Chapter 58: Another whole not half
Walking into his walk-in closet, Jimin glances at his middle size luggage that's opened on the floor. He hasn't been hanging his clothes up. This is temporary. Jimin took some essentials here. It'd be too much to take everything.
Hitting the play button on his phone. It's the same psychology channel Jimin loves to listen to. He usually listens to them while doing his morning routine. It keeps him sane. It gives him inputs to deal with things in real life.
Jimin takes a deep breath, closing his eyes. He imagines that the oxygen is going through his body as much as possible. As detailed as possible. He exhales deeply before he does the same thing again. In the chaos he's in, what's better than coming back to himself just by breathing.
Letting out a sigh. Jimin looks at himself in the mirror. Time for skin care. He loves his skincare time in the morning and night. Jimin looks at dark circles under his eyes that disturb him, but instead of whining about it. Jimin knows he should just sleep more, or if sleep or skincare don't help, he'll use money to inject some filler, why not? if these dark circles bother his confidence. Jimin learned to think of his flaws kindly. Thanks to that psychology channel that became his friends whenever he was cooking, doing dishes, putting away his clothes and cleaning his room. The channel kept him sane.
Well, dark circles have their stories, no? It tells Jimin that he works hard, no? In this case, the dark circles remind him that he had that amazing sex with Jungkook, last night.
Jeon Jungkook. What does Jimin do with him? Can't imagine not having Jungkook's presence anymore, but at the same time, can't give in. Jimin looks at himself in the mirror. This Park Jimin knows he's enough, but some memories cause him to feel the need to tell himself more often, and being enough in action is to work hard and take care of himself.
Jimin did not grow up with a low self-esteem. He doesn't have big insecurities that take over his body to make him hate how he looks. However, rejections can make people feel like they're not enough, and to feel like he's enough, Jimin was on the wrong path for some time before he found the right path. The path of becoming whole where he doesn't need anyone to make him feel completed. And that 'anyone', unknowingly, it's Jungkook.
But along the journey, with time, Jimin learned that no one can fill him up and become whole but himself.
Jimin created the mess for himself because of Jungkook, and when Jungkook decided to stop replying, Jimin created more and more mess for himself. He had been chasing after some sort of fantasy of someone to replace Jungkook. Someone better than Jungkook to finally completely get over Jungkook.
Sometimes, in life, one has to learn the hard way to rise back up gracefully. It didn't happen in one day. It had been happening through the years, and his whole journey is still on until present.
When Jungkook disappeared from the chat and stopped replying. That time. The guy named Ray was already in the scene. Jungkook stopped replying, which happened at the same time Ray started to be flaky after the first time they had sex.
A lesson learned. A man can do anything to get in his pants, even though that means driving two hours to see Jimin. Sex with Ray. Well, at first, Jimin was so happy with their sex since Ray treated him gently with his touch. Jimin was attached to Ray. He was attached to the idea of being treated gently. Jimin was attached to the idea of getting cuddled to sleep. Something he thought he didn't get from Jungkook. Something he desperately wanted later was rejected with Ray's excuses.
Things didn't go as expected. From driving two hours long just to see Jimin to not replying to text. Ray started to fade, and Jimin convinced himself that Ray was just busy. The cuddles Jimin expected to have with Ray were postponed again and again.
It was cold in San Francisco. It froze Jimin's heart and body. The coldness might be because of the weather, being far away from home, or just simply because of the absence of Jungkook. Ray was someone Jimin believed would be a replacement.
It became more clear that Ray was not being honest. Hours of waiting. Million times glancing at the phone. Nothing. It became crystal clear later when Jimin finally told himself the truth that Ray's worse than Jungkook. He's a fuck buddy. Nowhere close to friends with benefits, judging from how Ray left immediately every time they had sex. Ray even started to refuse to kiss. The hanging out Ray promised never actually happened.
Lost. Jimin could always remember the pain he felt clearly in his chest when Ray walked away, rushing. Ray was gone, and Jungkook stopped replying.
Jimin was using so much energy focusing on guys with the same goal. To prove that there's someone better than Jungkook. That's how deeply Jimin was in love with his best friend.
What about school? School was not at all in his focus. Jimin was living his life meaningless. It was shameful for Jimin to think about it later, but he decided to embrace his journey. Taehyung was there, but his soulmate is not the type to push him to study. Taehyung made sure Jimin wasn't feeling alone though since Jimin always shut people down. He was not interested in being friends with someone new. It was uncomfortable.
Life was not being put together. Late turned in assignments. Failing classes. Being absent. Parties, nightclubs and shopping malls. Those were Jimin's focus. First one night stand happened, and that's the last one night stand. The walk of shame was cold and well, painfully shameful.
Dating app was fun until Jimin made it clear that he wanted to get to know each other first before sex. Those guys would either ghost on Jimin, or they would try to have sex with Jimin the first time they meet. They know no boundaries. Therefore, dating apps ruined the mood completely since then.
And then this one guy showed up. Eric is a Swedish who was Jimin's classmate in the same major, who walked into Jimin's life and gave Jimin hope. Eric loves to read. Good taste in food. Good taste in fashion. He's an athlete. He's also very smart. Romantic. His eyes. Oh god. His eyes were so dreamy.
They flirted. Eric offered Jimin's flowers when they met in class. He always made sure to give his obvious glance at Jimin. He finally asked Jimin out on dates, and Jimin agreed. Jimin liked him. For months, they felt lustful. They made out a lot, but they didn't get to do anything further than that because later, one day, Eric started to fade. Jimin figured out later that he went back to his ex-boyfriend.
A lot of crying over and over. Did Jimin like Eric that much? Not so much that he had to cry so hard. It was simply because the idea of someone better than Jungkook is gone again.
Jimin missed Jungkook from time to time, but he was too disappointed to bring his soul to type another text to Jungkook. His ex best friend already hurt his pride too much.
School was not going well, but it was going. Jimin felt so uncomfortable talking in class. He spoke so little that it was complained about by the instructors. American culture, they like people who talk. They valued talkers more than the quiet ones, and later on, Jimin learned that he had to know when to speak up.
'You've got good eyes, Park Jimin. You have so much to offer, but if you don't talk, you're gonna hurt yourself so bad in this industry.'
That was a small life changing event though. The instructor told Jimin that he's good at what he does? People said Jimin has a good brain, but he never believed it. He always thought they were just cheering him up. So his work was good? His eyes are good?
Jimin kept up with C or C+ just to pass. Guy issues aside, for some reason, it started to get more and more shameful to show his 'ok' level work since critiquing was what they mostly did in classes.
Another life changing event is how one time, in class, Jimin was assigned to design everything for the restaurant. He was supposed to create logos, typefaces, trifolds and merchandise for it. The duration was four months, and Jimin didn't turn in an 'enough' quality of work because partying and shopping was so much more fun. Something was always more important than the assignment, but if he failed that class, Jimin would get probation, so the last night of his finals, Jimin decided to finish everything all at once. And it turned out just great. People loved his work. The instructor was satisfied.
God, it felt good when his work was appreciated. That's when Jimin noticed that he's capable. He has the potential if he really puts in the work.
Assignments became a distraction from thinking of Jungkook. Jungkook started to fade. Unknowingly, Jungkook was replaced, not by the other boys, but by school work. Instead of Jungkook and boys, school became Jimin's life. Doing good at school became his focus. From C or C+ to all B. From all B to B and B+. From B+ and A to A and A+. Jimin enjoyed his night time finishing assignments. He felt complete. He felt so full. It's addicting.
Party, yes. Shopping, always. Getting drunk and wasted, every weekend, but Jimin felt secure to make time for his assignment.
Satisfied. Jimin was satisfied, focusing on his own life. Jimin enjoyed decorating his room, getting to learn things about himself. What he likes or hates. Matching carpets. Matching bed sheets. Lots of candles. Several house slippers base on his mood. Laundry day. Putting away clothes day. Groceries day. Cleaning day, and oh cooking day.
Jimin started to explore himself. He found comfort in cleaning. Random broom sticks turn to all in one vacuum and steam mop. Disinfection wipes everywhere. One small knife turns to professional different types of knives for different uses. One small cutting board turns into several cutting boards for vegetables and meat. From too wet or dry rice to perfectly cooked rice.
That's when Jimin found the way to liking himself again. These things fulfill him. There were guys Jimin interacted with, but he never felt attached to anyone after his transformation. There was a guy who was extremely sweet, bringing Jimin some food when he was working on his project, but sex was not good, and Jimin did not hesitate to fade on that guy. That's only fair. No more being desperate. Park Jimin doesn't compromise. Jimin would rather eat his pizza alone Friday night than inviting his fling over.
Yes, fling. Jimin did need sex from time to time. A guy he met at school. A guy he met at a co-working space in his apartment. They're all short terms. Jimin didn't think he would have that much time for a relationship. He needed time to hang out with his friends including Taehyung. Yes, Jimin started making friends. Good work attracts cool and fun people. He also mostly needed time for his assignments. Where would he put his boyfriend if he actually had one? And well, he hasn't been meeting the right guy that he actually liked.
The reason to find the right guys faded since he didn't need to replace Jungkook with them anymore. He had his goals and achievements to focus on. That's how it's like to become whole. He's looking for another whole. Not half.
But the whole journey is never ever easy. There's always some challenges. There's always work to work on oneself. To actually become whole, it means that Jimin has to fix all the unfinished business and get some closure.
The journey of becoming whole always comes with surprises. From external factors or internal factors that Jimin didn't even know exist.
Self-love attracts the right person. Subconsciously, who exactly is Jimin trying to attract?
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End of chapter.
A/N: I wrote this chapter to satisfy myself. I think Jimin's transformation story needs to be told.