Me and Jessica decided on going out to eat for lunch to talk about the past couple of days. She scheduled me for a Wednesday afternoon, due to her, quote on quote 'thick schedule'. I'd decided that I much rather believe a pathological liar before I gave credit to whatever bullshit she was planning on spouting out to me. Nonetheless, I had to turn the other cheek, for according to everyone around me, that attitude was the reason I was in the situation I was in now.
She picked some artsy outdoor seating restaurant that looked like it had high prices. By her offering to pay for my meal, it proved my theory even more.
I was sitting in front of her, watching her light a cigarette. She would need one for the conversation we were about to have. It was much hotter than it was yesterday, a rough, dry breeze rolling lazily over the city. Jessica's cigarette smoke lifted into the atmosphere, disappearing quickly. The exhaust surrounded her hazy head.
"It's nice to see you again, Savnnah." More smoke released from her body as she greeted me. "You look beautiful."
"Cut the crap Jessica." The cheesy cliche opening she was trying to portray was merely a waste of time. "You know what I'm here for. I would like some answers."
A stupid grin evolved on her flawless face. "Answers to what? There's a lot of questions that need to be answered." Jessica took a long drag of her cigarette, probably in preparation of what was to come.
"Okay, for starters, why are you down here? Shouldn't you be back home?" My hands gripped my chair out of anxiousness. The churning of my stomach gave me an uneasy feeling.
Another drag. "I'm just going to lay it all on the table. Savannah, I'm no longer Ryan's fiancee. He's a piece of walking shit who's living in his typical twenties. You're still mad at me over prom, I can tell. I'd thought you'd be over it, but it's obvious that you're not. I was inebriated that night, and when I say that, I mean I was wasted. I took pictures with everyone high. Someone snuck me some hard liquor, and I was gone. So was Ryan. But before I seem like the bad guy I've been deemed for years, I want you to know this: he was onto me all night. Everywhere I went, he was there.
"He kept saying weird shit, like 'Jess I've always loved you', 'You look stunning tonight,' and the worst of them all, 'I never loved Sav'. He kept calling you a dumb slut, and all of this other ridiculous drunk shit. He couldn't keep his hands off of me. Then we headed outside and that's when the alcohol took over. We hooked up. I was drunk. I didn't gain anything out of it. It was just.. drunk sex."
"And the thought of me never ran through your head? Jessica, I don't even know why you're telling me this, I already know what happened. Stop recapping it. I don't need to relive it, I already do every day." My voice was a lot more calmer than I expected it to be. Maybe it was because I was used to it.
Jessica took another drag of her cigarette, this time the ashes visibly falling off the end of the butt. "Sav, I know. I- I just need to say that I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for everything over the past couple of years, I'm so-"
A chuckle ripped out from my throat. "No you're not. You weren't sorry when you took my place in the senior house were you? Money I saved up, money I worked for. You took it. Why are you always trying to play the victim? Matter of fact, everyone wants to play the victim, when in reality, I'm the victim!"
Jessica scoffed. "Maybe if you stood up for yourself once in a while, you wouldn't be a 'victim'."
"You think I don't realize that? Why the hell do you think I'm in this fight with Tyler? I tried to stand my ground for once, for once in my life, now look at where that got me. He's out of my life, and everyone around me is yelling at me for it. You think I wanted him to leave? NO! I didn't! But yet, he did. Either way, I'm always the bad guy. All I ever try to do is make others happy by doing what's right. But no, all I ever get is 'Savannah, grow up', 'What are you talking about Sav' and a bunch of other degrading bullcrap. I can never win. I can never please anyone."
Jessica watched me closely. It was official- I hit rock bottom. I was venting to Jessica. Out of all people. She took another drag of her almost finished cigarette before responding. "I don't get why you have to live that way. You need to do what's right for you. You're still suppressed under expectations that were ridden of years ago. You're not proving anything to anyone, except to those imaginary visions of the people that you think are still the same from high school and who you're still holding grudges to. Like me. You still can't stand me. And that's okay, but I can't sit here and watch you still beat yourself up over something that happened over years ago.
"I understand what Ryan and I did was traumatizing, but shouldn't that make you stronger? Wouldn't that make your standards higher? You holding this grudge towards Tyler, it's unnecessary. He doesn't need that. You need to take that out on Ryan. You're not proving anything, Savannah. You're only proving that you're still stuck on the past that you hate so much."
I looked away. "No one will ever understand how much I loved Ryan. No one ever cares about how he was the bad guy. No one ever cares about me. No one." My voice couldn't help but mock the consensus.
Jessica threw her cigarette on the ground as one last puff of smoke drifted off of her body. Her polished feat covered in sandals crushed it's contents, putting the spark to rest. "We did. We told you repeatedly that he was a piece of shit. We told you towards the end of your senior year. But you ignored us. You just could not believe us. For some unknown reason, you tend to forget that. 'No, Ryan wouldn't do that'. 'Ryan loves me, so he would never'. 'That's a bunch of rumors'. You were so caught up in that fucking dumbass popular phase, that you did everything at all costs to uphold it. You didn't want to think that he was cheating on you because you didn't want him to. You wanted to brush it off as 'rumors', like they actually existed in high school. You were so stupid during that time. A stupid bitch, caught up in a wave that she had no business riding."
It was my turn to scoff. "Like that justifies having sex with him right? You want to point out all of my flaws, but how about yours? Why did you have to have sex with him? What was so cool about it? You had your popular wave too, but the only thing was, you had nothing to lose. So you rode it as hard as you could for as long as possible."
Jessica ran a hair through her bob. "Exactly. Now look at me. I have nothing to lose, because I have nothing. I am nothing. I'm a piece of shit. Ryan never loved me. He never loved you, he never loved anyone. He's a piece of shit. I'll admit it, yeah I had a popular phase. I rode it and did some shit I regret. I fucked Ryan because I was bored and drunk. You didn't need him anyway. It was an efficient way to save you from getting hurt. So I took him on my wave. He enjoyed it. I did too. But you? I didn't think you'd still hate me over this many years. Christ, if I had known, I wouldn't had even showed up to that stupid prom anyway." She took a long sip out of her lemonade.
"So you had sex with Ryan to make us break up?" I asked for confirmation.
Jessica nodded. "Yup. I sure did. I didn't need you dealing with a heartbreak. I'd rather you hate me than yourself. Ironic how that turned out huh?"
Once again, I was proven to be the bad guy. I was so dumb. My eyes filled to the brim with tears. "How do I manage to always end up this way?" I whined out. Jessica sighed as tears overwhelmed me again.
"Don't cry Savannah. " She reached over to rub my hand. "Jeez, you were always an emotional girl."
More and more tears fell down my face. Jessica never meant to hurt me. She wanted to help me. I was attached to something so toxic, so harmful, that she had to do something as devastating as what she did to detach me. All I ever wanted was attention. I was a big baby my whole life. I pushed away others when I got the slightest hint of attention. I was selfish. I was stupid. I was fucked up.
"I'm sorry Jessica. I really don't mean to be who I am. It's just.. hard." I wasn't sure I was making too much sense, but by the look of Jessica's compassionate grin, I was sure that she understood my point.
"It's okay baby, we all make mistakes. I should know quite a bit about that." Jessica dug in her bag, and pulled out her iPhone. "Listen, I'm going to show you something. But before I do, I want you to know something," She looked into my eyes, grabbing both of my hands. "Tyler loves you. He was the wrong person to push away. I know that we did.. you know, but he's really sorry. You need to talk to him ASAP. I know you, Savannah. You guys are perfect for each other. Please don't fuck this one up."
I nodded, releasing my hands in her grip to wipe away a tear. "I won't. I'll talk to him as soon as I get home. What do you have to show me?"
Jessica scrolled down on her phone a bit before turning around. A picture on Facebook was on the screen.
Someone from our class was hosting a class reunion, celebrating five years since graduation. It was going to take place in July, and would be a BBQ. The time read from 6-12. "Jessica, do you know how much can go wrong?"
She laughed. "Yeah well, it's kinda creepy how all of this is falling into place. You know, with your past, Ryan, and so on and so forth."
She had a point. "I would go, but it's all the way back home. I mean, I would have to talk to Tyler about this. Considering if he even wants me back."
"Oh hush your mouth, he wants you back. Talk to him about it." Jess threw a couple of twenties on the table. "Listen, Sav. I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm going back to New Jersey. I'm not going back home to Ryan. I found my own place. You were lucky to catch me today, because my flight leaves tomorrow."
"You're leaving already?" I couldn't help but ask.
Jessica nodded. "Yeah. It was good talking to you. I'm always going to love you Sav, just like the little sister I never had. I hope you feel the same." She pulled me into a tight hug that brought back a shitload of memories. I hugged her back as tight as I possible could.
"I'm sorry again Jessica. I was a bitch." I mumbled into her shoulders. She smelled the same- drugs and perfume. He lanky arms rubbed up against my back before she pulled away.
"It's okay Sav, trust me. I love you, okay? I don't want you making the same mistakes that I did. You don't need to turn out like me."
Her words lingered as she patted my shoulder. "See ya Jess."
She sauntered off as she turned around. "This isn't goodbye, my love." Jess blew a kiss my way before continuing on her path.
It hurt watching her walk off. But nothing hurt as much as the realization I came to. I made Jessica carry the burden of my mistake. I was too caught up in Ryan's 'love', that I pushed everyone away. I was so ashamed of myself, that I wanted to blame everyone. Julia and Tyler's words finally made sense.
Tyler. I pulled my phone out and rung him up. It was on a whim, but then again a lot of things that have happened recently were. He picked up on the third ring.
"Sav?" His voice sounded as if he had woken up out of a nap. "What's wrong?"
"I just wanted to hear your voice. I- I'm sorry Tyler. For everything. Do you have time to talk? I mean, you sound kind of sleepy so if I'm infringing on your time, I'm sorry. If you can't talk, it's understandable."
Tyler chuckled over the line. "Yeah, I just woke up. I didn't expect you to call, especially at a time like this."
I checked the time. "Tyler, it's 3 in the afternoon."
A long sigh took over the audio on the phone call. "Not where I am."
"Well, where are you? Aren't you in Dallas still?"
"I'm in Prague."
I furrowed my eyebrows. "Prague? Where the hell is that?"
"Uh... Europe?"