A/N: this can be read as one shot standalone, but it's written as part2 to previous Kit imagine 1, so I suggest reading them in that order for wholesome experience.
Friend from seven seas away and seven summers ago visited to return my pin and remind me why our love will never die
He came one day in january or was it december
I dont know. I dont count my mistakes anymore
He came with cold bite northern clutch
He came to wish me merry christmas
But we both knew he was carrying velvet box that became part of his every pocket
He still looks for me in crowds and next to him when lonliness hits, he upturned entire garden and smashed all mirrors in home that is more sanctuary than paradise, but still he hasnt found origin nor end of his anger carved in plaster of fustration peeling layers funny how once it finds soil you can never get to the bottom of it despite being the host. You feed your insanity because it keeps you from losing it all together, madness is not product; its perpetuer that gave name to reaction of defying to succumb to ilogic in matrix, bear the name of enemy trick to outcast the unwanted in system more easily. Am i being too harsh? Who would love me with mindset that sees fire under snow, enemies in parents, friends in taken, home in forest, liberation in thunder, imagination as only religion that can deliver, rhymes as confessions of unspoken sacred poem why you cant see vials are not only way to bleed the person and leave a heart dry cooled off skeletonial construction a churred hull nothing can grow from no one to call it a home. I am exiled from my own heart. ( i listened to others too much and wrote not enough lock picks to get me out of prison my mind fortified around who i am. who are we? Slimy grey liquer they pick apart under microscope or etheral reflection of stars? I have to be more than this materalisation of doomed for failure)
He had big fireplace. We used to sit there on thick plush carpet pondering over meaning of it all. Him drinking, me watching his throat move with every gulp, high on sadness. Mind you, i didnt know david yet, nor his metaphorical perfection eclipsed my every romance thought. Kit was everything i wasnt, yet my stream of conscious always met his; i watched him with adoration that comes when you are exposed to art for the first time. I went to museums before, but I was never allowed this close.
Sometimes we would be joined by other fallen fellows. And we would drink for all the lovers who will never return affection for pain of loving them in silence. No one ever cared for my heart enough to show me love can be burden divided. Meeting them, showed me happy endings live on screen and in pages that dont spill in reality that is same losing sanity game for most people. Only reason there wasnt shortage of bandages, was because we were all liars, inheriteted strategies, hiding the wound smilling while bleeding, sooner die than let someoe see. But he saw me.
My best friend alex was dead for some time when my first friend came to our northern town. It was seventeenth day of christmas, harbour cafe bars were adorned in fairy lights, carols were mixing with generic mandatory christmas pop songs down the street, cinamon and clover drifting from patiseries on corners, ships and gullys christms trees wraped at bottom with blanket of frozen sea that will keep them stuck here in this fairytale wilderness till spring awakens with yawn that will run cracks along sleeping hardened earth and everybody will throw away their coats elsewhere in the world but not here, here cold lives with us, in cracks on pavement and drinks served with mittens.
He wonders if thats all thats left of me, if i took it little to literelly, to settle in place and make it home, lose yourself so they like you or go where they are like you.
I never told him about alex. He heard i moved on replaced our love with new friends, and i still dont know if i broke his heart when he told me to move on and i didnt fight for him to stay, he told me to be happy to find another crowd and i let him go like he didnt teach me meaning of patient love.
He was wrong. I didnt become cold. It claimed me before we parted ways. But my past is now under frozen slates of harbour and i would do everything so spring never comes; my past is burried in grave in forest that still sings hymes to my crimes; my past is more me than i am me today. I am ruthless wind he leaves windows open when blowing, because he likes the sound of things shattering, it muffles the wails of his heart that lies in pieces; i am words my father is horrified to hear and in his ignorance that he graces me with calls them bullshit, while i pour my heart out of every truth because lies have pulled the rope too tight around my throat around my mind around my heart i am running in circles so i write write write get it all out hoping one day words will get me out of my head and into sunlight that wont hurt; i am my enemy and i hate both of them.
He was in jacket and his curls were wild and untamed. We met in the middle of the street, greeting with usual teasing like no time has passed at all. Even then i knew time didnt steer him right into my path by pure coincadance. I was mad, you see. My mind tortured by reality it didnt recognize as authority over its wandering nature that seized every moment to escape in carefully created daydream retreat that had its foundations planted on drive home from party where boy with curls another kid that didnt believe anymore in happy endings, got so wasted that he never again remembered how he changed my life with just one conversation.
He had his demons. And i was getting familiar with knowledge they come in various shapes, and that no one escapes their acquantace; he tried to drown them. I never fully understood depth of misery that can carve a home in every surface underneath skin, settle there and dig further into essence of your being, with every hit more desperate to get to the heart where child hides, until alex died and i was left with his and mine demons and they were one and the same; where kit was my tragic counterpart whose sadness and anger matched mine if not in level of poisoning yet, in lonliness we exiled ourselves when we realised we are becoming poison ourselves; alex was romantic notion life can get better if you surround yourself with people who are in sync with your heart, who know not to leave you alone when you withdraw.
Kit knew when i needed silence; but alex knew i needed life too.
He said i left my pin at his place all those years ago and that he thought i should have it back. Or he just needed excuse to see me. He could've gone further north and see polar lights if he needed to feel me.
"i am not going up there again. Besides, you arent spirit yet."
Yet, i bet i haunt his dreams neverthless.
I turn my attention to golden pin i started turning over in my hand, inspecting sides like its not memento i used to keep on a bedside cupboard for years, just so I don't have to meet his teddy bear gaze. I cant afford to go back there.
Cheap prop replica from some book series popular while i was still in school. More than a fandom triffle.
Relic of hope.
He carries shadow in his pockets, i have them too many to tell when one leaves me.
Is love I stomped out under northern lights, somewhere out there or still in us?
He closed my fingers over it with his and held them there then pulled me in bearhug. He still smells like home.
We walked around town, christmas market and tivoli lights, shoulders brushing, pin heavy in pocket of my coat, Christmas carols and cinnamon in air, I don't remember he ever came to visit me back in day when I was just designated driver and he was the cool kid who befriended me.
II.
"Can i stay with you?" I whisper.
"Always" cookies are brittle i can hear him chewing on bite.
Box between us is almost empty. I can see blades of grass underneath plastic bottom.
"I-" I have no where else to go.
"I know."
Ofc he does.
Past remembers its scars.
Your pain recognizes mine
"I left all my words with you"
"I came to remind you that words arent expendable goods."
Now he is talking funny. Like we arent living in the same world. "Words arent goods. No one wants to trade with them anymore."
"You call yourself ruthless. Be imposer, make them obey new rules."
"Its too late for revolutions"
"Its never too late for new ideas"
"I dont want to wait till I am one step from grave to make my name; i want to enjoy my fame. I want to enjoy life, is that too much human asks from life on only planet it can survive?"
"Maybe there is reason why no other bio system wants us"
"Do you think they are so inhospitable because we lived on all those places already and ruined them like we are doing to earth, but cant remember for some reason?"
He turns all the way on his side to look at me. We are laying in patch of meadow left behind alex's old house now empty but for couple of bird nests under roof and broken windows, shards of remaining glass like jaws standing on guard clinging on frame warning signs little too late.
yesterday there were six teeth in downstair frame now there are four, three on porch where there were five two nights ago, none left in doors. I count every change knowing damn well nothing will change. But birds built a nest, badger was on windowsill couple of days ago, and branches started to enter thtough upstairs bedroom window that used to be his sister's.
Will his family ever call again? Will they ever know it ruined me to lose him? Will i ever grow bigger than my pain, or kit's tangable grief for my tragedies i make myself go through just to feel something, for who i used to be and who i have become, grief i feel is treathning to spill but he keeps it to himself for my sake, because there is box in his pocket that i cursed, coffin will rot, diamonds are forever, i should have known before i created his burden; will his grief be echo i will never outrun, only partner in crime, whisper mocking my shadow even in darkest places, forever would take to dismantle the pity behind the mask and they would still bring it up in eulogy to kill me one last time;
Is grief only kind of tree that will ever surrand me in any forest i run to; i want to pin him to ground catch him off guard hit him until i beat that pity out of his warm brownies and melted choclated chip eyes that were never supposed to be found by prophectic lies my demons spread around, they were never supposed to locate that corner of my mind, my sadness was never supposed to grow bigger than his, he was the one who was supposed to save me when tide got too rough pull me out bring me back with his breath in my lungs, not show up from nowhere one ordinary winter afternoon after no call for years, ghost of christmas except this is the season i love the most, and he came to take away my fairy lights too early, he showed up like some king of north in black tight jeans and black jacket and black curls glistening on icy sun that puts jewels in his eyes, to tell me he is cutting the tie, all wrapped in his sad puppy smirk a charm i ripped away ftom my bracelet and now he is paying me back for thinking i can just kill part of myself without holding a funeral and writing an eulogy worth a dime or two or seven, no one will understsnd i want to tell him no one was there but he thrusts my pin in my hand and choice of words takes me back when he made love to me in one of alternative endings i created by sheer power of will to banish his pieces scatter our sin so he can never again haunt me in all his glory, dreams devoid of his warmth, imposed detachment, and did i save my sanity? I found new faces to finish me, argubly they took up where he leff off, for he loved me too much to ruin me when there was still enough hope i could become something more; all the names that took his place at table, gave me fairytales and adventures he never belived in, respite i needed, my indulgment was my ruination for i lost the grip on anything real, to run away from sorrowful conversations, to dance at parties and be crowned as kings and queens of town of my dreams, but he put himself back together to remind me everything needs to be immortalised in reality if i wish to stay hidden in my mind.
"Your mind is gold pot. Exploit the depths and wonders of your mine. "
"i am trying. Is that why you came? To guilt trip me?"
Of course he lays claim on my royalties. He created me, my madness, this frantic writing that never meets ending, all the ideas and pieces of conversations burried in piles of notes that mount to nothing because my mind is wounded animal running from society on too many places in same time, standing in front of his doors walking away letting myself in after he leaves i lay on carpet he changed nothing room is cold memories are charred coal in fireplace i just want his skin on mine as close as it gets i dont want to be myself make me forget i am real.
"I dont know where you are going with this" crow flew over us, it didn't even screech and I wondered what we look like to her; two bodies sprawled in grass, admiring sky, two skeletons with beating heart and tummies full of cookies and gummy bears, two humans: too big of a bite or not worth the bother?
"You got rusted"
He never misses the beat. "You havent used me in a while"
"There were others"
"You need to stop. This convo has run its course"
"I cant. i promised myself i will finish this tonight"
"Who am i if i dont write?"
He echoes my thoughts then settles with arm under his head staring back at stars above that dont care if we make it or die in sleepy towns working dead end jobs just to get money that will never be enough to pay for a new life somewhere far away where dreams lead the way.
Sky got painted over and stars vanished from outline.
"I am scared kit."
"We all are, kid"
"You wanted to shag me. I am not kid"
"I wanted to marry you too"
"They are all kids, those boys i imagine to help myself fall asleep. They never know me"
"Do you know yourself?"
"Does anyone?"
"Pondering over existential questions is surely not going to clear the picture"
I lost my best friend, kit! I want to scream in his stupid smug face. I want to know why! Not everyrhing is about you having superiror insight to backstage of all the revelations just so you can call quits on all your emotions you dont want to face and call them all bs because you are just as immuture as me and you wish happy endings exist but you prefer to live in pain because you are afraid of change and everyone is loser to you if they care because you kit, you are afraid to love and let yourself feel smth unless you know you can win!
Hello, i am your mirror. Glad we got here finally.
Car ride candies left on seat liquor in veins neon road you kissed me dont you remember we caught a taste of happy ending for passing second devoured by time, am I selfish for calling you out or you are for coming back around just when I thought I was getting better?
"I am scared there will come a day when you wont come right away"
"Past never forgets"
"But humans do"
"I am not real, y/n"
"I am talking about myself"
"Your dreams are entangled with thought of me; i have showed you how it can be, you cant forget what makes your soul alive"
I play with pin in my hand, caress the outlines, ridges and edges, my fingers remember the pattern the hope the comfort
But i dont feel the spark
World is as it is
Empty without my friend
"Here you can have it", i hold the golden thing in air between us. I see top of trees through tarnished circlet, i see myself flying away carried by the winds that tell me of my friend's last words, i see releasing those in my head, i see saving everyone left, i see peace clearer than ever.
"It kept me safe, now is your turn"
Save me i think the world is slipping from underneath me
Why does everything new feels like end of world, tell me i can bring myself with me wherever i go tell me i dont have to leave myself behind tell me its one thing that never changes tell me i can carry myself along until i become the most free version of myself tell me my life is not over yet tell me i am not dead just because things change tell me its just a start tell me i will get out eventually tell me you will be there on both sides.
He takes my head between his palms like he always did, and places a kiss on my forehead, and as i am falling into him for the last time, i find it funny how body remembers what heart had to kill to stop thinking about, shooting all the stars from the sky to put what it wants the most on the furthest shelf away from itself, my beautiful love will my heart when it hears yours finally know answer to why when the path is right, it gets twisted and complicated why then monsters wake up and forest gets dark?
He holds me and we stay that way while world is crying out its last but we know too much by now to help and prolong its death; let it go to sleep, let us be at peace, with new dawn maybe some better world will be born.
(in which i will be more than dissapointment)
He knows i cant hurt him, he knew it will take me this long to write it all down, he knows he can come back anytime, he knows my mind is too far gone for anyone to find me....so he lets me go at last.
When the first drop of rain hits his lips, he says "amen (go in peace)."