Yury
I keep her hand against my cheek. After years of ignoring how much I missed Inessa it all hit me at once now. I am close to crying I can't do it in front of Nora.
What if she thinks I'm less of a man? What if she stops talking to me? What if she looses all interest in me?
I can't loose Nora too. She's worth too much now. I can't. I need her. Without her I can't breath. I'd rather die the most painful way a human can than to imagine what Mikhail would do to Nora after what he did to Inessa and my mother.
I arrive at the gate of my property and wait for it to open. When a tear drops from my eyes. "Yury please talk to me.", I hear Nora say. Her voice is so warm. So comfortable.
I start driving again and soon reach the house. I cling to her hand as I try to get more time rounding the huge fountain in our driveway.
I turn off the car and wait a second longer before letting go of her hand. I get out the car quietly. I can't say anything. I'll break down if I do. I speed walk to the door quickly unlocking it and walking in. I hear Nora call out for me again. And I stop turning to her and waiting.
"Please Yury. Tell me what's wrong.", she sighs and I hear the concern and guilt in her voice. "Please", she pleads.
You will never be seen as a man if you keep crying to your mother like this.You pathetic child of a whore. How are you ever going to be able to keep a woman by your side crying that much.
The words of my grandfather repeat in my head.
You will never be seen as a man if you keep crying to your mother like this.You pathetic child of a whore. How are you ever going to be able to keep a woman by your side crying that much.
I hear them again. And my knees buckle. I collapse but I don't hit the ground. "Yury.", I hear Nora gasp. I feel her slowly sit down on the ground and lean me against a wall. "Yury!", she screams. "Please talk to me.", she says panicking.
I can't breath. I feel like the room is getting smaller every second. "Yury please.", I hear her call out again. I feel like I am being suffocated in the ocean of words my grandfather used to describe me in.
"Yury please breath.", I hear her whisper.
You pathetic child.
I hear him speak.
"I'm sorry Nora.", I whisper. "I didn't want you to see me like this", I whisper as I see her right in front of me. "Stop thinking Yury.", she sighs. "Just breath okay. Please do it for me.", I hear her say in the warmest tone I've ever heard anyone speak to me. "Please just breath.", she whispers.
"Here.", she says placing my hand over her heart. "Breath with me okay?", she says as she puts both her hands on my face.
We breath together and I start to relax a little. The walls stop moving towards me and my grandfathers words stop repeating in my head.
I feel her pull my head forward and then lean her forehead against mine. "I'm sorry Nora.", I whisper my voice breaking towards the end. "No Yury. This is what we are supposed to do. If you cry I hold you if I cry you hold me. We vowed to protect each other from everything and everyone when we put these rings on.", she whispered. "I'm here for you. In good times and in the ones where you need me the most.", she whispered.
I pull back looking into her eyes. And I break. I start crying and sobbing. "Please don't leave me.", I whisper between sobs. "Why would I leave you Yury?", she asked me. "Do you think that just because you cry once I'll think of you as less than a man or something? I don't care wether you cry or not. You are my husband through and through. I'm not going to leave you for showing other emotions than happiness and anger.", she explains as she tries to comfort me.
"Yury. Im your wife. I'm supposed to be the person you rely on when you cry.", she whispers and pulls me into her chest hugging me tightly.
I Continue crying in her chest. I hear her heart beat and her breathing. I lift her off the floor and start walking to the bedroom where our suitcases stand untouched.
I lay her down on the bed and lay down on top of her. We lay there like that what feels like 10 minutes but actually are two and a half hours. I lift my head out from her chest and look at her.
She looks at me with concern in her eyes. "You okay?", she asks. I nod. "Good.", she smiles and wipes away my dried tears. Her hands stay on my cheeks and I can't help but feel myself collapse into her hold.
"I don't deserve you.", I sigh. "Yes you do. This is the bare minimum.", she says.
A comfortable silence settles between us and in close my eyes. I fall into a light sleep and then I feel her move out under me. "I'm just going to unpack. I'll pick out a pair of pjs for you.", she whispered placing a kiss on my forehead.
It felt nice being treated like a human for once again. She felt closer than before now. And now I realize how much I actually need this woman.
I hear her footsteps pace through the room as she quickly did what she was doing. And I laid there half asleep occasionally opening my eyes to look where she was when I didn't hear her pace through the room.
"Yury come on sit up please. Change into these. They're comfy and warm.", she whispered and placed a kiss on my temple.
I sat up on the bed and looked at her. Still half asleep. She pulls her hoodie over her head revealing her back to me.
Suddenly I'm wide awake. The scars scattered along her back rip out the little amount of sleep I have in me.
"Nora.", I whisper under my breath. "Wha-", I stop myself when she turns around and shows me her stomach. Showing me all the other scars. "What happened?", I ask her as I feel sadness and rage mix inside my guts.
She looks down at them and quickly pulls her pajama top over her body. "Sorry I didn't mean to.", she whispers. And goes to leave for the bathroom.
I grab onto her arm out of instinct. "Who did this to you?", I ask her. "Don't think about it. It's nothing.", she speaks quietly under her breath.
It is something.
It is allot.
It is everything.
"Who did this to you?", I ask her again. "Don't occupy your mind with it. It's nothing. It's been years since it happened.", she says even quieter than before.
I look up at her and see the tears brimming her eyes threatening to fall. And they sting in my heart. They sting like nothing before.
"Tell me who did this to you.", I tell her in a soft tone. "I just got too comfortable. I forgot about them.", she whispered almost in fear. "I didn't mean to show them to you.", she quickly adds. "I really didn't.", she continues this time I can clearly hear the fear in her words.
She's scared.
She's scared but not of me. She's scared of what I think of her now that I've seen them. I slowly pull her closer and I can feel her resisting as if she's disgusted of herself.
I pull her against my chest. "Tell me who did it.", I whisper against her head and place a soft kiss on it.
Her whole body trembles in my arms. She's in fear of what I might say now. And I can't form a different sentence other than, "Please my love. Tell me who did this to you.".
She begins crying and sobbing. Her usual cold and put together self is gone and replaced with a scared woman who's crying in her husbands arms.
"Please bunny", I say again.
She takes a deep breath and I feel her chest shake. "Mother.", she only gets that word out. Nothing else.
And then I feel her break apart into a mess of tears, sobs, and cries. Cries that she's probably never been able to let out. "It's alright bunny.", I whisper. "You're safe.", I add quietly. "I'm here.", I whisper as I sit down and lift her into my lap lightly rocking back and forth.
A Tipp her grandmother gave me when I met them to ask for her and her husbands blessing.
If she cries, rock her back and forth. Slowly stroke her head and hold her.
I remember her exact words. She's a sweet woman. A woman who cares deeply about Nora. She's tried all her life to make the things right her daughter fucked up. All her life her grandmother has been trying to make the things good that Nora's mother fucked up.
I hold her close rocking her back and forth. Stroking her head and lightly rubbing her back.
"I'm sorry.", I hear her speak. "I should've told you about them before we got married.", she speaks between sobs. "It's okay if you don't want to-", I stop her. "Don't say it.", I say.
"I don't care how many scars you have. You are still the most precious and beautiful woman I've ever witnessed to live this earth.", I tell her.
"You don't deserve any of these scars.", I whisper. "And neither do you deserve what you've been put through.", I tell her. "Please my love. Don't distance yourself ever again because of some scars or anything else.", I whisper.
"I need you.", I say. "And I can't live without you.", I sigh quietly. "I wouldn't be able to live another day without knowing that when I come home I won't see you either sleeping or waiting for me on our sofa.", I tell her.
I feel her move her head and look at me. He tear stained cheeks, her bright red nose and her puffy lips. All seemed unreal to me.
She was unreal to me. Like a dream. A dream I never want to wake up from.
"Your understand me bunny?", I ask and look at her. She only nods. "Good.", I whisper and place a soft passionate kiss on her lips.
I get up and lay down on the pillow. "I want you to come to me from now on whenever you need anything. And if it's only a quick hello. I want you to call me. If you need a hug I want you to call me and I'll be there.", I whisper. "From now on we are in this together, alright love?", I say as I feel her snuggle into my chest. Burying her face in it hiding from all and everything this cruel world has done to her.
We lay there for about half an hour as she kept crying in my arms until she eventually fell asleep. That was when I climbed out of bed pulling the covers over her and walked onto the balcony calling Besnik who picked up immediately.
"What's up?", he asked. "I need a favor. I pretty big one and it's okay if you can't do it.", I say. "Shoot.", he says as I hear him get more serious. "I need you to fin your mother by the time me and Nora come back. I need to speak with her.", I state. "Why do you need to speak with her? She's been out of our life's for years now.", he asks.
"I want to ask her what I'm gods name is so fucked up in her brain that she goes and hurts Nora. Leaving scars all over her.", I state. "You saw them?", he asked. "Yes. So can you find her or not?", I ask. "I'll find her but don't say anything to Nora.", he says. "I won't for now.", I tell him. "Good and now go back to bed with her. Otherwise she'll wake up and be pissed.", he says. "All ready on it.", I tell him and walk back into the bedroom. "Good night brother in law.", Besnik laughs. "Night.", I reply quietly and then change into my pajamas.
I climb back into bed and wrap Mora up in my arms. "Good night Bunny. Dream of me will you?", I whisper and place a kiss on the top of her head.