I blocked out the sound. I wanted the world to fall away, I wanted darkness to rap me in it's comfort just for a moment of piece, I wanted the quietness, the calm, I wanted it to be over.
I lay on the bottom bunk, eyes closed, Maxton's voice becoming a muffle in the distance.
I have to breath, deep breaths, in and out, nothings here, you're safe. My breathing speeds up, my heart pacing, my eyes squeeze shut, I can't do this, I don't know what to do, I have to calm down now before Maxton notices, in, out, in, out. It's not working, just try again, in, out, in, out, I place my palms over my eyes, pressing down, I feel a slight wetness against them. Please don't do this, please just breath, I need to calm down.
My breathings loud, I try to focus on the breaths, in, out, my palms are still glued to my eyes, in, out,-.
I feel his hands on my arms before I hear him say, "Hey Leo, what's happened, what's going on?"
No this can't be real, I don't want Maxton here right now, I don't want anyone here, this is so embarrassing, which just seems to make it worse.
The feeling of shame swallows me, along with the over whelming feeling of regret and embarrassment, Maxton leans down, rapping himself around me.
"Hey it's ok, everything will work out and be ok."
This is so embarrassing what am I doing!?
The thought makes me cry harder.
I want my old bed back, my old life back, my brother, my friends, I want it all back to normal.
Maxton continues to hug me, slowly rocking me back and forth, my sobs are loud, my arms are not moving from my eyes, Maxton grabs one of my arms, trying to tug it down from my face, however the tug didn't work, I refused to move my arms.
"Leo talk to me."
"No." I sob, my voice wavering.
"Why? What's happened?" He inquires.
"Nothing." I mutter, my voice is three octaves higher, the tears are all over my cheeks, I sniff.
Maxton raps his fingers around my wrists pulling them down, I try to not get them removed from my eyes, but my body feels weak and I can't be bothered to fight his strength, instead I just turn my head away from his eyes, trying to hide my tears in the pillow.
Maxton quickly moves my head gently to face his, before I can bury my head into the pillow.
"Leo, you can trust me. If there's anything you need to get off your chest, or you just need to vent, or want advice, anything, I'm here for you. Please."
"It's nothing, I don't even know what's happening." I wine.
"...Is it something to do with your dom?" Maxton whispers.
"Don't even bring that stupid idiot into this!" My sadness turned to anger, before sobbing again in despair from yelling at someone who's trying to help me, I always do this.
I start crying again into Maxton's shoulder.
"I'm sorry!"
"Leo, it's ok." He sooths as he rubs his hand up and down my back slowly.
"Just go away Maxton."
"No Leo."
"Maxton, get away from me, It's all pointless!" I snap.
"I'll say it again Leo, no I'm not leaving you, do whatever you have to do, yell ,scream, hit me, whatever! But I'm not leaving you."
I push Maxton away from me, his head hitting the wall. We stare at one another for a second before he rushes back at me pinning me to the bed, his legs rap around my waist from the back as he raps his arms around my head in a headlock.
"Leo you better chill the fuck out or you're gonna get hurt!"
I wrestle against him, his grip tightens, I can't move against him, I wriggle and twist but he doesn't let go.
"Relax Leo, stop moving around and talk to me." He speaks firmly.
I huff, slowly stopping my movements, Maxton loosens his grip slightly, the silence stays in the air for a minute before Maxton speaks up again.
"Is there anything you want to tell me?"
"I don't know. Everything is just weird, I miss the stupid shit I used to do, when I could do anything. When everything made sense."
Maxton starts to stroke my hair, as I'm still lying on him, his legs are still rapped around me, however his arms are moved from my neck.
"Everything just felt a bit overwhelming for a minute. . .I'm sorry." I whisper.
"It's ok man. If you need to talk or have a bit of a fight to get your energy out, I'm here. And I understand what you mean. Just try and take it minute by minute, break things up, if something becomes to stressful break it down and analyse it differently, start to think of positive affirmations. Or start to think of the advice you would give another, if you were talking to a friend that's in your same situation what would you say to them? Ya know man? Trust me, everything will be ok, and when it's not you have me."
"Thanks man." I sniff.
Maxton continues to brush his fingers through my hair for a few more minutes, calming me down, waiting until my breathings even and my bodies relaxed.
My eye lids start to feel heavy, Maxton moves his head to have a good look at me, seeing that I was falling asleep he suggested we go to bed, I nod in agreement.
Maxton and I turn length ways on the bed, placing our heads on the pillow as we huddle together.
Maxton's even breathing becomes almost like a lullaby, relaxing me to sleep.
"Tank you." I mumble right before I pass out...
Only to hear the blaring alarm clock next minute. Well it felt like only a second of sleep, but it was more like six hours.
I groan, stretching my arms out, only to accidently hit Maxton in the face, he groans next, straining his eyes open.
"Good morning." He yawns.
"Morning." I smile.
We both lift ourselves out of the bed, once again I have to borrow Maxton's clothes as I haven't gone to the office to get some that I can take as my own.
We walk through the halls and into the class together, standing around talking waiting for whatever's gonna happen today.
Even though I hate this place, it doesn't feel as dooming as it felt yesterday, it feels better knowing that I actually have someone beside me, I'm not doing this alone right now.
We've connected emotionally straight away, not from asking for a cigarette and becoming drinking buddies, we actually talked, I can tell him things, I feel like I can trust him, which is so fucking scary but it also feels amazing.
The Professor makes his entrance within the class, bellowing throughout the room for everyone to take a seat.
I bite the inside of my cheek, I watch as Maxton sits down and looks up at me in question if I'll do the same.
I ball my hands into fists, my jaw clenching, I slowly bring myself down, I'll sit but I'm not sitting on my knees.
I've already taken a step into being well-behaved, they should be happy and appreciative for this advancement.
Professor Gocalon looks out into the crowd of students searching, until his eyes land directly on mine.
"I see you've decided to start behaving, did you're dominate start talking some sense into you, or did you finally realise your father will never take you back unless you change?"
My face drops, every thought about trying to become better, every sentence that Maxton spoke to me dissipates from mind.
Blind anger takes control, my eyes don't waver from his view.
I stand, feeling Maxton try and grab onto me, I step away.
"Was it to hard for your mother to love you so you became a dominate to try and have control of something in your life."
Cockalong's face turns to pure fury.
"You delinquent, you disgusting brat! Get out of this class right this instant, go to the guidance office, and so help me god if you don't go or if you come back into the classroom you, your friend and everyone that's interacted with you will be in so much shit they'll all turn on you and you'll be right back were you started, being hated by all!"
"Get fucked!" I storm out of the room, slamming the door behind me.
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.
I take a deep breath. Let the anger take control, if the anger leaves you become weak, you become vulnerable, you become nothing.
I keep my fists clenched. Barging the door open and storming in.
A huge room, with a huge ceiling, a dark grey painted room, with red curtains, a long lengthwise line of church looking chairs are seen on the back wall, multiple desks with all different people behind them, with one chair in front facing them and one cushion placed on the ground beside the chair.
One of the people behind the desks looks up towards me, sighing before becoming me over. I storm towards him, plonking myself down in the seat.
His eyebrows raise as he continues to watch me.
I huff. "What?!"
"Who were you sent here by?"
"Some dickhead who doesn't know shit."
"I'd suggest keeping it down sir and that is not a proper answer. I need a name."
Wow, he's the first person who's actually treated me with a little inch of respect. I still don't like him though.
"His name rhythms with Cockalon."
"Your talking about Professor Gocalon?"
"Yes."
"What did you do to be sent here so early."
"Absolutely nothing. I did what I was supposed to do and he started something for no reason!"
I can feel the pinch of tears hitting my eyes, I blink and look away.
"Ok, well would you mind please telling me your name?"
"My names Leo."
"Well Leo, I'm sure you were ordered to stay here for the remainder of the class, and you are also supposed to be here for your next lesson on the contract anyway, so I'll just say that you're early."
"Cool." I don't move my face to reface his, I continue to look over at the wall with the art on it.
I kinda like the look of it, they've got all different types of art, all colourful and unique.
The person continues doing what they were doing before, I refuse to think on the situation which occurred, I even more refuse to image what Maxton was probably thinking and feeling, I bet he's thinking 'Well, we all knew this would happen, he's always gonna fuck up and soon enough he's gonna drag me down with him, I should cut him off as soon as I can.'
Oh god I've ruined everything!
Soon enough people start to enter the room, my leg is hanging over the arm rest, and the scribbling and typing of the person in front of me has placed me in a bored trance.
Soon enough I see James marching in with a scowl on his face.
I already know I'm about to be kicked out of this chair, to bad I was actually comfortable.
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wow two chapters in one day when I've been off for like 3 months, yay!
well I hope this chapter was good
but just a random add on from my life lol I have this kinda work college and she's like 51 and she's celebrating her birthday, and one I have NO idea what to wear, I'm panicked and I don't really have good clothes apart from uniforms lol, but also these people are older then me and they have interesting lives and I don't! So I'm not gonna know what to talk about or say! And I am a very awkward person no matter what age category you are in I can't speak.
I am so scared, because I want to leave a good impression, but I also don't really know this person but their really nice, but if I'm there that means of course they'll be other people there and I don't know anyone!!!
This is stressing me out
And it's tomorrow.. And I found out today
I hate socializing.
YAY!
Well I hope everyone else's days are going good, please remember to hydrate, eat some good food, and get some SLEEP!