I was dragged out of my thoughts when the steward interrupted; handing me snacks and asking what I'd like to drink, but I was straight back to replaying everything that happened in Sheffield through my head once she'd gone. I thought about Matt and Chloe, my Mum and George, even Corey a little bit, but there was a clear set of memories that took centre stage in my mind, and those were the ones with Oli. God he looked like trouble to the outside world and he had such a cheeky streak, but he was the most gentle, patient and quiet soul behind all of that stuff. I thought about the times he'd just be sitting quietly somewhere with his guitar, or on his laptop doing music stuff. I could just picture him sitting cross-legged on his bed back in Sheffield, messaging me back about the auction before I'd taken off an hour ago. The funny thing is that he probably didn't even think anything of what he'd done, like winning that auction was no big deal, but he did things for me all the time that quietly showed how much he cared. I started wondering if I regretted the way I had acted and how I'd pushed him away every single time he tried to talk to me. Maybe I shouldn't have been as closed off as I was? Maybe if circumstances were different I wouldn't have been... Maybe if I'd had the proper closure from Corey that I had now, I wouldn't have been completely shut down.
There was no doubt that I felt different within myself since I'd left The Bahamas, like there was this clarity that I didn't have before, but had I really changed? It wasn't like I suddenly realised I was in love with Oli and had been repressing it, or that I suddenly wanted to be in a relationship, I just started to question 'what if'. I hated unknowns. What would have happened if I didn't make all of those rules? What would have happened if I let him open up to me? I had no idea what laid beneath the surface. I could say the same thing about Harry Styles; that maybe if I was in the headspace I was in now, that things would have gone differently between us, but deep down, I knew they wouldn't. Maybe I needed to stay away from everyone for a while to really figure out what I wanted? My view on relationships had definitely shifted with the closure from Corey, but I didn't need to rush into anything. I didn't want a partner and I definitely wasn't looking for one, but maybe, just maybe, I wasn't completely closed off to the idea of being with someone on a deeper level anymore.
I wondered what it would be like if I retraced the steps of the past three months now, with this new mindset. I wondered if things would have been different with Oli, but maybe I just felt guilty for how I'd treated him now that I'd found out about this auction thing. I had definitely realised that I had treated him really badly while he'd treated me with so much care, and I was going to apologise for it. I owed him an apology for my behaviour at least. I wondered if I should have done everything differently, but it's not like I would never have the chance to if I wanted it. I would see Oli again. We'd cross paths in Sheffield or we'd catch up when he played in New York because our lives were intertwined through my brother. My mind was all over the place, questioning my actions, regretting my outbursts, wondering if I'd done it all wrong, but I'm a firm believer in fate, in the theory that 'if it's meant to be, it will be', so I was happy to put my trust in the universe. Time was going to allow me to properly get in tune with myself and figure out what I want, and if there was ever meant to be something more with Oli, well, one day it would happen. It would happen when it was meant to, when the timing and conditions were right. Life always tends to give you what you need when you need it most.
I felt thoughtful as I watched the clouds out the window, but I also felt at peace. I used to hate feeling anything, but as I travelled home to New York, I felt a lot and that was OK.
When we landed at the airport there were paparazzi who immediately started asking me stupid questions; 'Are you and Corey back together?', 'Is the engagement back on?', 'Did you secretly get married in The Bahamas?'. My God, I wanted to turn around and go back through security to get away from those people so badly, but you know, welcome back to New York! I had NOT missed being hassled the moment my feet were on the ground. I pulled my sunglasses onto my face and ignored the media's stupid questions about Corey, but I did answer one guy who asked if I'd enjoyed my time at home in England. "Yes I did, thanks for asking." I said as I climbed into the SUV waiting for us in the drop off zone. My manager hauled my suitcase into the boot as I hid behind the tinted car windows, and we zoomed away from the pesky media - thank god.
"I am so fucking sick of being asked about Corey." I whinged to him in the backseat.
"I know. Maybe you should make a statement saying you're not getting back together. He's not going to admit that because he wants the media to keep asking so he gets attention." he replied with an eye roll. He was probably right but God, I didn't want to give Corey any more of my head space. "OK, let's do it. You do realise he'll probably do a fucking sit-down interview about being heartbroken or some bullshit after though?" I questioned. My manager laughed.
"Yeah he probably will. Why did you ever date him?" he asked me.
"I have absolutely no fucking idea." I replied.
I arrived back at my apartment in New York just after 11:30am and it's weird how quickly I felt like I was home. My apartment still had the same, familiar scent about it, the view hadn't changed at all, and in a way, it felt like I had only been away for a few days rather than three whole months. I guess Matt's house had never felt like my own, despite living there and spending so much time there. I opened up the door to the terrace to get some fresh air then took my suitcase to my room, and I messaged my dad, Matt and my mum to let them know that I had arrived home. In opening my messages, I noticed that Oli had replied to the ones I'd sent before my flight a few hours ago, so I read them to myself. He'd kept it short, saying he hadn't done a lot of rehearsals for the tour and that he looked forward to chatting later. I guess that meant he was going to be home when I called Matt in a few hours time, and honestly, I was happy he was. I still needed to thank him properly for the auction thing.
I was already comfortable with my phone on my couch and I didn't want to move, so I ordered some groceries and then shut my eyes to rest. I hated ordering groceries rather than going to get them myself but I just couldn't stand the idea of paparazzi annoying me again, and besides, I was still tired. It seemed like I couldn't catch up on sleep since leaving Sheffield! I'd only been home for an hour when my doorbell rang and made me jump. Ugh! I was so comfortable and I just wanted to chill all afternoon before I met my dad for dinner at six. Damn delivery man always had the worst timing! I got up and begrudgingly headed for the door. It was probably just going to be a backlog of deliveries from brands hoping I'd post about them since I'd been away for months, that or something I ordered and forgot about, lol. I went to my intercom to check what it was and there was a bouquet of flowers on the doorbell's LCD screen, white daisies never-the-less. What in the world? Was my dad home? I opened the door in confusion before Oli's face popped out from behind the flowers and scared the absolute fucking life out of me. "Oh my God! What are you doing here?!" I squealed in total shock.