Narrator
"Don't be alone," Hanni begged her old friend.
"Why did you leave? Did I mean so little to you?" She continued on.
"I showed you mercy," Y/n coldly responded.
"What?" Hanni asked in confusion.
Y/n then turned to leave again and Hanni finally broke down.
- Hanni POV -
It was the last year of school and Y/n was struggling a bit.
Y/n was having a hard time at home and at school. It was hard to watch....
I tried to be there for them but Y/n suddenly disappeared.
All my texts were left on read and all my calls were sent to voicemail.
I couldn't help but be worried.
After 15 years of knowing each other... Y/n just up and left.
"Can you at least explain?!" I yelled before Y/n-ah could walk away from me.
This was the first time we had come face to face since we were in high school.
It was supposed to be a simple coffee run... but that's not how things ended up...
We were standing on the sidewalk... talking....
Well... more like I was screaming and begging... while Y/n stood there with a blank look and teary eyes.
Y/n couldn't fool me.
It hurt them just as much as it did me, to suddenly see each other likes this.
"I showed you mercy, that's all" Y/n answered again.
Y/n began to walk away again as I tried to process or think back as to what I did wrong or what Y/n did wrong.
"What could have possibly went wrong?" I kept thinking to myself.
By the time I snapped out of it, Y/n was down the block and almost out of sight. So, I ran after them.
I caught up and grabbed Y/n's wrist.
"ANSWER ME!!!" I yelled in Y/n's face.
Y/n just calmly took a deep breath with an annoyed look.
"People get hurt when they're with me. They lose themselves.... they get confused... or depressed... or angry.... they go mad and insanity takes over.... I let you go... so you could be spared of the sorrow and madness," Y/n explained.
I felt tears running down my cheeks.
"This is why I never wanted to leave your side," I thought to myself.
"So, there. You got your answer. Now, let me go," Y/n replied with a death glare straight into my eyes.
"Let go!" Y/n angrily order as they tried to snatch their wrist from me.
"NO!!" I yelled with a cracked voice.
"You shouldn't have been left alone. YOU SHOULD NEVER BE ALONE!!" I cried out in pain.
"You didn't even give me a choice!!" I screamed.
"You robbed me of days that I never got to live. Of a life that could have been.... I loved you so much and you just left... as if I could not love you for being you... for being so much more than I would have expected!!" I continued to spill my heart out.
I knew...
I knew the answers to what I was asking...
"Hanni... let go...," Y/n coldly ordered.
It took time for me to see Y/n again.
I was now more successful that I could have imagined and Y/n seemed to be doing okay...
Or better than I could have thought..
But still not good enough.
A few years later,
It was at the very same coffee shop that we saw each other again.
- Y/N POV -
"Are you still alone?" Hanni-ssi approached before I could leave the premises of the coffee shop.
I stopped in my tracks and contemplated if I should answer her like an old friend or a stranger.
I chose to do neither.
"I mean... are you still single...?" Hanni awkwardly rephrased.
I swallowed a whole knot on my throat and finally turned to look at her.
"If I was... why would that possibly concern you?" I asked in an annoyed tone.
"You... you shouldn't be alone... and... and you know that...," Hanni answered.
"AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?!?" I turned to yelled in her face.
"WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY DO ABOUT IT!?" I asked in pure anger.
I couldn't deny that I had been upset.
At myself.
At the world.
At God.
At everyone.
For fucks sake... I just wanted to be alone.
"DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE I'M YOUR ENEMY!!" Hanni yelled back.
That had been my breaking point.
Before...
I chose to leave Hanni as a friend...
Because it would be better for her.
I had realized that I wasn't okay... and having someone like Hanni... someone who had so much to look forward to... someone who's so caring and kind.... maybe even to the point of too good for her own health....
I just realized that...
I didn't want to hurt her.
I didn't want her to become bitter because of me.... or hurt herself because she chose to sacrifice her sanity for me.
I was such a burden for her.
But she stuck around...
And I couldn't allow that.
"Y/n, speak to me. Please?" Hanni-ssi begged again when I went silent.
I took a deep breath and refused to let my guard down.
"Why did you do it? Why did you leave?" Hanni continued to asked.
"Because I had to!" I finally yelled back in her face.
"Just answer," Hanni calmly ordered.
"Did I do something wrong?" She continued on.
"I didn't just stop talking to you... I stopped talking to all those I cared about," I coldly sighed out.
"Why?" Hanni asked... almost as if she had ignored my statement.
"Did we do something? Did we fail you? Were we not there enough? Why did you leave when everyone else wanted to be there for you...? When I wanted to be there for you?" Hanni asked.
I snickered a bit and felt my cynical side come to light.
"I felt... like a burden...," I finally gave her an answer.
"Did you leave because I wasn't there for you as much as you wanted? Because I was busy and not able to give you all the attention you wanted?!" Hanni began to raise her voice gain.
I chuckled in amusement.
"Excuse me?" I asked.
"You made a decision based on your needs and wants?! Did you really leave me because of your own selfish reasons!?" Hanni screamed in my face.
I furrowed my brows at her, disgusted by her tainted words.
"Are you really judging me for being looked down on and pitied?" I coldly asked.
"Are you judging me... for allowing you to not be looked down on because of a friend who couldn't get their shit together?!" I began to yelled.
"You have been a lot of things.... but you have never been stupid. If attention is what I needed then attention I would have gotten.... in the end... I'm sorry that you felt that your need was disregarded. Now if you'll excuse me... I will go ahead and continue on with my life," I attempted to ended me and Hanni's interaction.
"Really? Just like that?" Hanni interrogated before I could leave.... again.
"I didn't need you before and I don't need you now," I coldly responded as I tried to swallow the knot in my neck and continued on my way.
- Hanni POV -
The shittiest feeling in the world was knowing that you couldn't help someone like you wanted to.
Y/n was spilling out their feelings to me and all I could do was be upset about it.
I wasn't upset at them.
I was angry with myself for not being able to do enough.
"Are you really going to deprive yourself of your basic needs in life just because you feel like shit about yourself?" I started to get a bit defensive over Y/n's feelings.
"Do you really think that I didn't know that you were struggling? That you were having such a hard time? Do you really think that you were sparing me of a pain I wasn't sure I could endure?" I started to get serious about what was going on.
We weren't kids anymore.
It had been years now....
But the same mentality I had then... had not gone away.
"I've never wanted you to be alone for this reason. How can you look at me and judge me for caring about you? I'm not pitting you. I'm not judging you. It's simply love and care trying to fight your bitter soul," I continued on with my own feelings about the situation.
"Back then... on this very same spot... you acted as if you were sparing me the burden, but it sounded more like I was the burden. Like you couldn't possibly handle me and the good things I wanted to do for you. You didn't want to do the hard work that is to just smile... and you still don't. Is this miserable life all you want for yourself? You want to be alone and hurt yourself more than you can imagine?" I kept standing up for what I believed and what I wanted...
And what I wanted was Y/n.
I wanted all of the misery and all of the trouble that came with it.
"We were just dumb kids then," I sighed out.
"I'm sure we still are in a way," I chuckled in reminiscence.
"But I can't let you go. You were a big part of my life... and all I ever wanted for you.... was for you to have good day. You can't have a good day being alone. I don't ever want you to be alone-" I kept on talking....
But as always Y/n stepped in when it came to suggesting the things they hated the most.
"All I want is to be alone," Y/n interrupted.
I took a deep breath out of pure stress.
Getting Y/n to understand and really see themselves for how they really are was always a struggle...
But it was even harder now, after what felt like literally years of isolation...
I stepped up and cupped Y/n's face. Y/n immediately tried to pull away but I stopped them with a stern pull at their face.
To most...
An action like this would look like harassment.
But I didn't care.
This was someone I loved for years. Someone I thought about without having seen them for years...
This was the one person in my life that I could never get out of my head.
And maybe, potential had something to do with it.
Maybe it was all in my head...
All of it was maybe my fault...
For seeing Y/n for how I knew they could be verse what they really are.
"Don't be alone," I sternly said as I held Y/n's face in place to face me.
"All that has ever done is hurt you. I don't want you to hurt anymore. I want you to smile when it feels wrong. I want you not deprive yourself of memories that could make you happy for years. I know it hurts to even just feel any pleasant feelings.... but you don't ever have to accept those feelings around me," I finally let go of Y/n's face when I realized that maybe at times Y/n didn't need someone who was pushing positivity on them or pushing for them to just be happier and have a good life.
"I'm okay with just being there for you when you're too confused to understand what you're feeling.
Maybe being alone was what you needed then but I'd like to sit and learn about what life taught you during that time. I'm okay with being alone together," I felt like I was starting to realize something.
I didn't know what it was,
But I wanted to know what it was.
"Being alone together?" Y/n suddenly asked.
"Mhm," I nodded slowly.
Y/n suddenly extended their hand.
I looked at it a bit confused.
I didn't know what to do.
The whole concept of Y/n even acknowledging what I was saying was so foreign to me.
"Let's go be alone together for a bit?" Y/n asked while reposition their hand for me to grab.
"I know it's not what you want... but being alone is what I like the most... maybe having some supervision for today won't hurt," Y/n told me with the softest smile I hadn't seen in a while.
My eyes started to tear up at the sudden offer.
I hadn't seen Y/n genuinely smile for years.
I couldn't even count how many years Y/n had been sad for.
"What do you say, hm?" Y/n was doing their best to smile at me.
I could literally see all of their energy just going into that faint smile..
Into the small gesture of extending their hand out.
Before Y/n could even get too tired from such small actions...
I took their hand.
"Pham Hanni...," Y/n suddenly whispered as we interlocked fingers.
"I missed you,"
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Author's note: Even when all you want to do is be alone... don't be. It's not good for you... not for long periods of time at least.