A little bit of patience.
Yan ang araw araw kong hinihingi habang inaalagaan si Zach. This is the hardest work I ever had. Ilang araw na kong hindi nakakatulog ng maayos dahil sa kanya. He always cry all night and I can't understand what he wants. Hindi naman siya gutom o hindi naman puno ang diaper niya. He's just crying.
"Meron ka na bang nahanap na nanny?" Tanong ko sa kakilala kong agency.
"Wala pa ho Mr. Montenegro." Anito kaya napa-buntong hininga ako at binaba ang phone. Damn! Everything is starting to piss me off.
Hindi na naman ako nakapasok sa trabaho dahil sa late akong nagising. Isa pang kinakainis ko ay di dumating ang babysitter na tinawagan ko dahil may sakit daw ang anak niya. My secretary was calling me a hundred times already but I ignored it. My head is pulsing and Zach's crying is really not helping.
I reached for my phone and scan my contacts. Pinagisipan ko kung tatawagan ko si mommy o hindi. Naiinis na binagsak ko ang katawan ko sa sofa at tinakpan ng throw pillow ang tenga ko. Just please! I need a damn silence for a while!
Isang doorbell ang nakakuha ng attention ko kaya lumapit ako dun. I saw Laurent grinning like a lunatic and welcomed hisself in my penthouse.
"Wala ka bang trabaho?" Tanong ko.
"I'm on my leave." Aniya at nilapitan ang crib ni Zach, "Hi there buddy. I'm your ninong Laurent." He said and suddenly, Zach stopped crying, "Oh, you like me baby? You like my handsome face, huh?"
Tahimik ko tong pinanood nang kargahin niya si Zach. Napa-iling ako at humiga sa sofa. At last! Silence!
"Why don't you rest, bud? You look restless. Ako nang bahala sa inaanak ko. You know I love kids." Aniya at binalik ang tingin kay Zach.
"Okay, honey. Take care of our baby." I teased and his face crumpled making me laugh.
"Gago!" He chuckled, "Seriously bro, get some rest. I'll handle this."
"Thanks man." I utter before heading to my bed. Pagkahiga ko pa lang ay agad akong nakatulog.
It was already dark when I woke up. Naligo muna ko bago lumabas ng kuwarto at naabutan ko si Laurent na hinehele si Zach. I grinned at him.
"Puwede na." Saad ko. He raised his middle finger at me and told me to keep quiet. I shrugged my shoulders and head to the kitchen to cook us some food. Maya lang ay lumapit si Laurent at nagsalin ng alak sa baso.
"That was fun." Aniya.
"I don't see fun in that." I answered and he chuckled.
"Because you don't like kids."
"I like kids too but not that I will babysit them, all right? I'm not yet ready with this, man. This is so surprising and immediate to me. I wasn't expecting this."
"You're already a father Zephyr. That child is a blessing. Hindi mo pa siguro nakikita sa ngayon dahil hindi mo pa siya matanggap. But someday you will." He said and finished his whisky, "I need to go, man. I need a good fuck tonight."
"Well, enjoy." I utter with a hint of disappointment.
"I know you want some hoe too but it's not your lucky night. Take a good care of my godson for me." Nagpaalam na ito kaya naiwan na naman akong mag-isa. Kumain ako at hinugasan ang pinagkainan ko tsaka ko lumapit sa crib kung nasaan si Zach.
Kailan ko ba matatanggap to? I miss my life before. I miss fucking and hanging out in the club. I miss everything and in just a snap, everything I want to do is gone. I'm stuck with this little kid. I keep on having a silent war on whether I should accept the baby or not and it's giving me stress.
I spent my night watching movies and drinking alone. I played a game in my phone and do some work in my laptop. Napansin ko lang na madaling araw na pala nang umiyak si Zach. Agad ko naman siyang nilapitan at kinarga. I tried to give him a milk but he don't want it. Tinignan ko kung puno ang diaper niya pero hindi naman.
"What do you want?" I asked him and sighed, "You want your mom? Well, mommy's not here. He left you."
Patuloy pa din itong umiyak pero parang nabibingi na ko sa iyak niya. The loud crying was starting to be deafening to me. I looked down at him and saw his face getting red.
"I'm sorry you have to feel this. You're alone and I can't take care of you." I said. His crying start to subside as he stare at me, "I don't want to be this hard for us Zach. Nahihirapan ka at gano'n din ako. Wala kong alam sa pagaalaga ng bata. I'm a single-want-to-fuck-a-hoe guy. I'm not yet ready for this."
I'm thinking about this since yesterday. I want to put him on adoption or I will give him to a trusted person to take care of him. And if he's a little older I'm going back at him. I need to go back to America for my business and I can't do that while Zach is here.
Nako-konsensya ako pero anong magagawa ko? I'm choosing my business over him. I want to reach my goals and achieve more. This is just temporary. I will still get him back.
Kinabukasan ay pinuntahan ko ang babaeng nakausap ko na magaalaga kay Zach habang wala ako. Two to three years is fast. Madali lang tong lilipas kaya alam kong hindi kami mahihirapan na magkasama ulit.
"Pasok ka." Saad ng matanda, "Ayan ba ang anak mo?"
"Opo." Saad ko, "I'll give you any amount you need. Just take a good care of my son." I added.
"Sigurado ka ba hijo? Kaya mo bang malayo sa anak mo ng tatlong taon?"
"Dadalawin ko naman po siya pag may pagkakataon." Sagot ko ulit. Lumapit sa'kin ang matanda at kinuha sa'kin si Zach. Agad naman tong umiyak habang nakatingin sa'kin. I felt a pain in my heart and choose to look away.
"O siya, iwan mo ''yung phone number mo sa'kin." Ani ng matanda at inabutan ako ng papel. Binigay ko ang number ko sa america pati ang e-mail ko.
"Babalikan ko po si Zach, nanay." Huling sabi ko tsaka lumabas ng bahay. Tumingin akong muli kay Zach at umiiyak pa din to. Tumalikod na ko at nagsimulang lumakad palayo hanggang sa makasakay ako sa kotse. I sighed and hold my tightening chest.
Paguwi sa penthouse ay nag-impake na ko ng gamit ko. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko dahil sa pagpapabaya ko sa anak ko. Mas pinili ko pang ipaalaga siya sa iba kahit na mas kailangan niya ko. But what done is done. I should just focus on leaving this country first.
Hindi ko na pinaalam sa magulang ko ang ginawa ko. After hours in the plane I finally arrived in America. Dumiretso na ko sa bahay ko at agad nag-pahinga. Tomorrow will be a tiring day for me again.
A month of being away to my son is really hard. Araw-araw ko tong iniisip kahit na inaabala ko ang sarili ko sa trabaho. I was already attached to Zach even if I don't want him in my life. He's still my blood in the first place.
Isang tawag ang pumuna ng attention ko at nakita kong unregistered number to. Binaba ko ang papel na hawak ko at sinagot 'yun.
"Hello?"
"Si Zephyr ba to? Zephyr Montenegro?" A familiar old voice of a woman said.
"Yeah. Sino to?"
"Si Nanay Lita to, ''yung pinagiwanan mo sa anak mo." Aniya kaya lumakas ang tibok ng puso ko.
"Kamusta po si Zach? May kailangan po ba—"
"Hijo, nagaagaw buhay ang anak mo sa hospital. Kailangan ka niya dito." Sagot niya dahilan kaya bumagsak ang phone na hawak ko.
My mind was in panic as I book my flight ngunit mamayang gabi pa ang next flight kaya hindi na ko nakatiis at ginamit ang private plane ni dad. My body is shaking and my palms are sweating as I feel nervous. Shit! I will never forgive myself if something happen to my son!
Nang makalapag ang eroplano sa Pilipinas ay nagpahatid agad ako sa hospital na sinabi ni Nanay Lita. Nakita kong nasa ICU si Zach at nanlumo ako nang makita kung gaano kalaki ang pinayat niya. There were tubes and apparatus in him and it made me feel worse.
"Anong nangyari? Anong sakit ng anak ko?" Tanong ko kay nanay Lita.
"Nagkaron ng impeks'yun si Zach sa bituka. Madumi daw ang tubig na ginamit sa pagtimpla ng gatas niya. At may pneumonia siya kaya mas lumala ang sitwas'yun." Sagot ng anak ni nanay Lita.
Gusto kong magalit sa kanila pero hindi ko magawa. I was at fault. I was the one who left my son to them. Nakuyom ko na lang ang kamao ko habang nakatingin sa kanya mula sa salamin na bintana.
Please, gumaling lang ang anak ko, I promise to be a good father to him...
Tinawagan ko lahat ng dapat tawagan habang nakaupo ako sa waiting area. Pinauwi ko na sila nanay Lita at binigyan ng pera. My parents arrived with my uncles and mom immediately hugged me when she saw me.
"What happened? Kamusta si Zach?"
"He's still in ICU for observation. Malala ang infection niya at ang pneumonia niya kaya hindi puwedeng pumasok sa loob." Sagot ko.
"How did he get those?" Dad asked. I looked down and was hesitant to tell them but I still did.
"I left Zach to a person I know and went to america." I said. Mom gasped in shock and dad shook his head in disappointment, "I'm sorry. I-I just..." I sighed not knowing what to say. Napaupo ako sa waiting area at tahimik na yumuko sa isang tabi.
Ilang oras kaming tahimik na nakaupo sa waiting area nang makarinig ng sunod-sunod na pag-beep kung saan. Agad nag-takbuhan ang mga nurse at doctor papasok sa ICU kaya agad akong napatayo at lumapit sa bintana.
Nagkakagulo sila sa loob at hindi ko naririnig ang mga sinasabi niya. I saw the doctor gave a CPR and my eyes widened. I slammed the window to get their attention.
"What the fuck is happening?!" I shouted and opened the door of the ICU, "What's wrong? What happened? Answer me!"
"Sir, hindi po kayo puwede pumasok." Pigil ng nurse sa'kin.
"Answer me!" I shouted at her. Pilit naman nila kong pinalabas at tumulong na din sila uncle sa kanila. My heart was racing fast because of nervousness and anxiety is eating me up. Palakad lakad ako sa hallway at pasilip silip sa bintana habang nagkakagulo sila sa loob. Ilang saglit lang ay lumabas ang doctor.
"Sino po ang magulang ni Zacharias?" Tanong niya kaya agad akong lumapit.
"What happened? Is my son okay?" I asked him.
"I'll be honest to you Sir. Malala ang lagay ng anak mo. His body doesn't accept the medicine we're giving him. I'm sorry but it's up to him if he wants to live." He said and my blood boil in anger. I hold his collar and gritted my teeth.
"What the fuck are you saying?! You're a doctor! Dapat pagalingin mo ang anak ko!" Galit na sigaw ko. Pilit naman tong kumakawala sa'kin habang pinipigilan ako nila dad. Marahas ko siyang binitawan at ramdam ko ang panginginig ng katawan ko.
"I'm sorry Sir." Anito. Tinulak ko siya at pumasok sa loob ng ICU. Naglagay ako ng mask at kung ano pang pinasuot nila sa'kin bago ako nakalapit kay Zach. My tears build beside my eyes when I saw him sleeping with a pale face. Pumayat ito at parang hindi na siya ang anak na iniwan ko isang buwan na ang nakaraan.
"Baby." I whispered and my tears fell. My heart broke as I stare at him. He didn't response and all I can hear is the heart monitor and the oxygen machine, "Damn, I-I'm so sorry."
I caress his tiny hands and hold it, "Please don't leave daddy. Magbabago na ko. Tatanggapin na kita sa buhay ko just please, don't leave me all right? I want you to stay strong for me Zach. I promise, I'll give you the whole world. Just for you."
I heard him utter a soft sound and seconds later his eyes opened. Gumalaw ang mga kamay n'yo at paa tsaka ngumiti. Mas lalo akong napaiyak nang makita ang ngiti niya.
"You're a strong little guy, right? Magpa-galing ka okay? Daddy will be here. Hindi na kita iiwan." Saad ko sa kanya. Nakatitig lang to sa'kin kaya ngumiti ako. After few minutes ay pinalabas na ko ng nurse dahil hindi daw ako puwede magtagal.
—•—
It's been a week and Zach is getting better everyday. Nakalabas na to sa ICU at nasa isang private suite na. Malakas na din itong dumede hindi tulad dati na kahit tikim ay ayaw niya.
Dad was currently carrying him in his arms and I was fixing his bed. Palaging bumibisita sila mommy sa hospital at hindi 'yun pumalya araw-araw.
"Mabuti naman at nagtino ka na." Natatawang saad ni Dad, "How can you leave this cute guy, huh?"
"I'm sorry." I said sincerely. Napangiti naman ako nang marinig ang tawa ni Zach habang hinahalikan ni dad ang tenga niya.
"You should man up now, son. For your child." Mom said as she eat.
"I know. Gagawin ko 'yun mula ngayon. I decided to stay here in Philippines for good." Sagot ko na kinagulat nila pareho. I like staying in US because that's where I'm comfortable. Nandun din ang trabaho ko kaya mas nagtagal ang pagtira ko dun. But since I have my Zach now, it's time to change where I live.