January 21, 2013
"Look at you little miss!" Jaclyn coos once the nurse has everything set. William leans against the door frame watching as Amelia settles into her new spot next to Jaclyn's cot in their private room.
She's still in the incubator, but the top has been taken off to see if she can maintain her own body temperature. If all goes well she'll be moved to an open crib. For now she's also off the IV and ventilator with her incubator set at the lowest level of oxygen.
It's peaceful watching them in a space where Jaclyn feels completely free to be herself. He almost doesn't notice the new polka dot dress or her flattened hair.
"Mia, I hope you know I love you, and I would do anything for you."
"She does," he speaks up, one hand running through his hair that's mussed from sleeping while the other swirls his coffee. It's packed with excess cream and sugar just to be edible, but he'll take anything to fight off the yawns and head dipping that will follow him for the rest of the day. Sleeping in the hospital is definitely not like sleeping in their home.
"I don't know how I know that, but I just do." In some inexplicable way he sees it in her eyes even though he knows she's probably not thinking anything. Somehow she knows that they're her mum and dad, and she's most comfortable around them.
Amelia's head turns, her little eyes squinting open through the bright light to see him because she knows his voice, and he swears she smiles.
"You better not be here to convince me not to go out today." William pauses, lips parting to protest, to swear he wasn't but... that's exactly what he was going to do. He rubs at his eyebrow, trying to massage away the aching tension that's settled there. Jaclyn focuses back on Amelia kissing her head.
Kate comes out from the bathroom, finally starting to look pregnant now that she's overcome the worst of hyperemesis. "Look who's finally up?" She giggles, dropping the bag of makeup and hair things to jog over to Jaclyn. "Oh she's going to look just like you Jac!"
"You can't tell," Jac mumbles, hiding her blush by looking down. Kate smirks at him and he shrugs, he already has an inkling suspicion that Amelia will be her mums twin.
Through the silence and with Jac's back firmly turned away from him he makes his way into the room, sitting down in the chair Brad and him have taken turns dozing off in. Kate gets the message, curious eyes shooting between them before she mumbles something about waiting by the car.
"Everything at RBC can wait, but you shouldn't over exert yourself too soon." The second he hears the words he knows he's said the wrong thing. He doesn't even have to see the way her eyes steel, or how she pulls Amelia into her.
Her words come out clipped, with a gentle warning side glare as she tenderly lays Amelia back down. "I know my limits." Arms now free they cross over her dress. The mossy green polka dot dress that he's sure Kate didn't just coincidentally pick.
He knows what this is, it's a game with the press, and his family's all for it because the people outside the hospital are going feral while they wait. They practically wept in relief when Jaclyn mentioned visiting The Royal Ballet.
He's sympathetic. She sits confined to these walls while people whisper outside, while the news channels speculate. They replay the same footage from Christmas over and over because it's all they have, and she hates the way it portrays her. She's not weak, and she won't let that become a lasting image for the world.
William approaches her, leaving behind his promising caffeine to become forgotten, so he can uncross her arms. She looks so serious like that. When his arms wrap around her back, in the same place hers laid, she becomes softer. An ever weak smile gracing her lips while her eyes connect with his.
"I need to do this," she whispers, only falling into his arms when she sees him nod. He's married to a woman with a spirit of a bird, and he has to let her fly.
------
"Don't worry," Kate soothes once they are within distance to the door, "I'm going to be right behind you." It's a small comfort, especially since she was insistent William stay behind with Amelia, but it does little once she's outside. The wind swishes the skirt of her dress, but it's long and heavy enough to stay down.
There's a second where she lingers on the steps scared to move. A month in confinement was enough to blur the memories of what camera flashes felt like on her skin. What hundreds of people simultaneously yelling at her felt like in her head. She considers running back inside, finding William and telling him he was right. She wasn't ready.
The street is small, and people stand on top of each other and press into the barricades just to be near the air she breathes. She doesn't have to worry about smiling and looking calm, it comes naturally and turns on like a switch in public. Her insides are a different story. They churn and twist until she feels nearly sick, but she moves down the steps into the street approaching the cameras that pop like firecrackers in her vision.
"Your Royal Highness, how is the Princess?"
"When will you be officially leaving the hospital?"
As she comes closer their shouts clear in her ears, and she's able to answer each question directed towards her despite the excitement bubbling from the people waiting on the other side of the street. "She's doing well, and she's making lots of progress, but we're not rushing anything."
"Who does she look like?" Someone else shouts down the way, the accent is distinctly American and this time she sees the ABC logo. "I'm afraid it's too early to tell. She's got blonde hair and blue eyes, but that can always change."
She shakes a few hands on the other side of the street, naturally relaxing once her back is away from the lenses. The people over here are more personable too, and it's calming. I woman tears up when she explains Amelia's off the ventilator, and a group of uni girls excitedly give her a teddy bear while everyone shouts prayers into the air.
Eventually, Kate has to nudge her towards the car, or she'll stand there listening to stories all day.
Once they're in the car, and Robert has successfully gotten them off the cramped street, Kate turns to her. "You didn't have to do this. You're still recovering, you have a baby who's still recovering. Everyone understands why you needed to be in the hospital."
Jaclyn shrugs, but she's not sure what to say. Kate's great and she trusts her more than anything, but she doesn't get it. Just like William, despite how hard he tries, won't ever get it. They didn't sit on their splintered porch and watch a woman shuffle to work two weeks after a C-section, or sit in class with their teacher who couldn't afford to stay on unpaid maternity leave even though her baby was in the NICU.
She loves them, just as she loves all they do, but they can't understand the horrors of the world due to the hope in their eyes.
"Several donors have nearly backed out because I haven't been present." Her words carry a cold finality to them, hitting the air with a soft force that warns Kate she won't change her mind. "Why did you come when I called?" Jaclyn asks, knowing Kate isn't exactly well herself.
"Because you needed me..." She trails off with her realization, and Jaclyn shrugs but now she's smiling. "I was discharged last week, and I've made promises to people. I can take a few hours to see them through."
Because if other women have to pound the pavement at a job to keep their family going then so can she. It's different too in the UK, it's better, but she thinks back to Villa Grove. Where families survive but never live. She thinks of most women who don't get to stay every night with their baby, who have to go back to work, and she decides she can do her privileged job for a few hours.
But not for the first time she wonders who she is.
-----
She doesn't realize until she's inside RBC, and being escorted around by Dr. Retter, how much she would miss both William and Amelia. For weeks her world has revolved around them, and in their absence a new guilt finds its home in heart. It's different from the guilt she got sitting in the hospital, and in some ways it aches more.
He's showing her around, but she's finding her mind lingers. What if something happens? What if Mia takes a turn for the worst and she's not there?
"This is where we're planning on setting up the gym equipment and over here we'll have gyrotonics equipment, and around the corner we'll have the physio and pilates area." Jaclyn shakes her head looking around the empty room with exposed beams and newly finished walls. The floors are still dusty and plastic wrap is scattered around, but the vision is there as Dr. Retter points everything out.
A camera crew trails them, far enough away to act like they're not there, but close enough to pick up onto every word. "I can't thank you enough, ma'am," Greg starts as they come to stop outside the exit that leads to the dressing rooms and studios. "You were the one that started this idea and brought everyone together."
Despite her best efforts her cheeks burn, and she fights to not drop her chin as they continue on to where the dancers are practicing. "I'm just thankful I could help."
Internally she cringes, cursing herself for not thinking of something better, but her minds going in so many different directions she's lucky she's speaking at all.
She's about to say something else when they cross into the main lobby and an excited gasp fills the air. "Jac's here!" And she turns to see several kids jogging up to her. They're eleven now, old enough to know better, but she's known these kids sense they were in the Primary Steps Program, so she gracefully crouches down and embraces as many as she can.
"We were so worried about you?"
"But Ms. Lewis said you were strong."
Jaclyn laughs, "And Ms. Lewis, like always, was right."
Dr. Retter is beside her, slightly pale and shocked from their sudden interruption, and she has to remind herself that they've only talked a handful of times. He doesn't entirely know her. "Children, the duchess-"
"It's quite alright, Dr. Retter," she stands up grabbing a few hands and giving him a calming smile to show she really doesn't mind. "I've known these rascals for years. How about we go watch the rehearsals?" She asks the last part directed more to their unexpected guests, and as they all chorus their agreement she's pulled along.
A part of her that hibernates now comes alive in the studio air. The part of herself that is still a dancer, the part she has loathed and cursed for months now, but here she can't keep that part tucked away.
Chairs are set up along the mirrors in the front, with Monsieur Michael standing on one while he passionately shouts corrections. Natania spots her first, their connection buzzing between them so they're always the first to see each other in a room. Jaclyn can feel the surge of eagerness between them both, but they're on the job.
Nat in the middle of a dance and Jac stuck I her own performance.
"Your Royal Highness!" Monsieur cheers, giving an almost teasing bow from his chair with a secretive wink to her. He knows how awkward she gets when her old instructors curtsy or bow. Thankfully her back is to the camera as she scowls at him.
They all take seats to watch, and Jaclyn finds herself going rigid. It's hard to watch, knowing she'll never quite be like that again thanks to the scars no one sees, but watching Natania and Leo for their pas de quatre makes it easier. She's just as springy and light as ever, so quick she just nearly pounces on every note.
Jaclyn finds herself smiling, leaning down whenever one of the kids wants to share a secret with her, or chatting with Dr. Retter whenever he wants to point something out to her.
Thomas beams at her following his solo, and he bows so deeply with such a cheeky grin she has to stand up quickly to give him a hug. The quick shutter of the cameras makes her jump, but she returns to her seat knowing that at least one photo she likes will make the front page.
Her breath only stops when Natalia Osipova starts dancing her solo. It's like the music stops playing from the piano, but comes from the Russian girls soul itself. Her jumps are rumored to be the highest in the world, and her legs come in contact with her face in every direction.
So this is your replacement...
It's not exactly bitterness that consumes her, but more a realization. The world continues to spin and problems continue to arise, and people move on. She couldn't be the shiny youthful ballerina forever, and her career couldn't hold a place among stars when the night sky changes every night.
After the rehearsal she manages to sneak her two friends into a corner far enough away from the cameras they can hug ferociously. "We wanted to come by the hospital-"
"But protocol," she finishes for Natania giving her a sympathetic grin. "Hopefully Mia will be out soon and she can meet all of her unofficial aunts and uncles."
"I hope you and his highness are prepared because Uncles Thomas and Arthur are going to spoil her rotten." Jaclyn winces slightly hearing Arthur's name, reminded that he's currently flying solo in the Falkland Islands when Will was supposed to be with him.
She shakes away the guilt knowing she can't carry it all without breaking down. "Don't worry I'm prepared to counteract any spoiling." After all, her daughter was going to be loved, but she wasn't going to grow up to be a brat who expected things to be handed to her.
Subconsciously, her eyes shift, spotting the dark haired slender beauty through the mirror. Even when not dancing Osipova is beautiful and graceful as she moves. Captivating everyone near. Thomas catches her eyes and lights up. "Oh, you'll love Natalia! You're both so alike, and she admires you..."
Jaclyn nods, and knows he's right. She'll come to love and admire the woman as well, but in time. Right now she feels awkwardly empty.
-----
Returning to the hospital is sterilizing.
She greets everyone outside again, but rushes in to check on Amelia. Jaclyn's not sure what she's expecting, but coming face to face with her wide eyed baby makes her exhale.
"Hi Mia, I'm sorry if you missed mummy." Jaclyn reaches in and picks her up with ease, allowing her little hand to wrap around her thumb. Like always Amelia's head nuzzles near her heart, and her small and shallow breaths chase after Jaclyn's own. When they're connected like this they rise and fall in opposite times filling the space the other leaves empty.
Naturally, without even thinking she starts to hum a waltz, her feet shuffling the pattern she's known for years without jostling any of the wires Mia's hooked up to.
"Your mum used to be dancer, and if you ask I'll tell you about it someday." She turns slightly, still humming the tune that lives in her soul, and slowly she can feel Amelia falling asleep in her arms. "Maybe I'll dance with you too if you want."
Strong arms gently snake around her, and with their daughter asleep Jaclyn allows William to guide her back to the open incubator. She leans back into his arms, relishing in the cold air that warms with him wrapped around her. His hands settle on her stomach that's still recovering from having a baby, his lips press a kiss to the back of her neck.
He doesn't say anything, but as she turns her cheek in his jumper she notices the dark stains of tears and snot that must belong to her. How long had she been crying?
"They've officially replaced me," she whispers. Saying it out loud is like period to the end of that sentence of her life. There's nothing left to say, nothing left to do. She doesn't miss dance, not like she should at least, but it reopens the wound. William tries to hold her, tries to reseal it, but it's one that will heal with time.
What will her kids think of her when they're older? Will she be a sell out? Naive for giving up a dream for love? Will they admire the courage she had to have to make that choice?
For a second she thinks he's not going to say anything, but then he kisses her neck again, her legs jolt as her spine erects. "They can't replace the way you made people feel." Her heart melts, crying into his through the tears that stain his jumper.
-----
February 10, 2013
The parts of herself that came out over the last few weeks are just as quickly hidden away. Her natural coiling waves are straightened until steam flies off her hair.
The signs of sickness are gone, the pain an aching echo. Her scars are hidden under the concealer and baggy dress, and her smile is the key that locks the doors closed.
"You look lovely," Kate says. Through the mirror her eyes are calming and tranquil, her smile so natural that it reminds Jaclyn that today is a happy day.
Jaclyn turns, stopping her from applying more blush to make her look somewhat alive. "You didn't need to come again." She means it, and she tries to keep the concern from her eyes, but it's not a secret Kate has suffered throughout her pregnancy. "I had to find some excuse to come see you. They won't let anyone but family through, and Nat is expecting me to report back to her."
Jac rolls her eyes ready to point out she just saw her friend three weeks ago. "And what have you gathered?"
Kate scrutinizes her, but Jaclyn takes the chance to do the same. The brunettes lost weight despite the bump in her dress, her cheeks narrowing and her wrists fragile. "I shall report back that you are in good spirits."
Kate slides a blue headband on Jaclyn's head to hold down the creases of her hair that won't lie straight. She slips on the flats for her still recovering ankles, and grabs the wrap around purse set aside. Jaclyn gives Kate one last desperate hug before making her way out to where William's waiting.
He's holding Amelia who's free of tubes and wires now that's she's passed all of her tests and is ready to go home, and Jaclyn takes another breath. This is a good day..
The beanie is removed from her head revealing tresses of thin blonde hair that stick up, and Will has wrapped her up in the traditional shawl from G.H Hurt & Son, and they're all coordinated to match, to make a striking image on the steps.
She takes Amelia, who looks up at her with curious eyes as if asking where they're going. While William guides her down the halls, with his hand firmly on her back, but once the door is in sight she stalls. Through the glass of the door Jaclyn can see people pressed on top of each other already. Within that small shot of the street at least ten cameras are pointed at them, ready for them to step out.
They can't see through, and more importantly they can't see her. They can't see the slight stutter in her feet, or William turning around to patiently wait for. They're alone in the hall, a normal family of three for a few seconds more. She rocks Amelia slightly who continues to stare at her completely confused.
"I can't do it," Jaclyn chokes, and if it weren't for the stress hammering her heart William's taken aback face would've made her laugh. It's one thing to walk outside into chaos yourself, but it's another to carry an unknowing innocent child into it.
"Once we step outside she becomes theirs." Her lip quivers, but Jaclyn fights to stay in control of her spazzing emotions. One way or another they will be stepping onto those steps and the last thing she needs is a screaming baby.
His hand starts running up and down her back, while also shooting goofy faces at Mia who's face is threatening to squeeze up because she can tell her mum's upset. "Darling, I promise you she's never going to belong to them, I won't allow it." Jaclyn sees the promise in his determined blue eyes, the eyes she's trusted for so long to steer her. So she takes a step forward.
They'll be the ones to raise her afterall. The ones who tuck her in, and chase her around the yard. They'll take her to school, and help her through her first heartbreak.
The doors open and the world implodes. They both try and shield Amelia from as much of the noise and flashes as they can without entirely hiding her. She's still a preemie, and though she passed all her hearing and visual tests they don't want anything to happen.
But these people will try to eat her alive...
She shakes the thought from her head so it doesn't poison her smile. They switch so William is holding her while approaching the cameras, and with her hands free Jaclyn turns around to wave at the people behind her.
"Your Royal Highness, can you tell us how you're feeling?"
She looks to William smiling as Amelia's hand pokes out wanting to hold someone's hand, and the tiny gesture makes everyone go crazy. "We're overjoyed," she finally settles, "It's been a long couple of weeks, but we're so thankful for the staff here, and we're excited to go home."
"Ready to start being a family," William finishes, turning to her while they both gaze down at Amelia. The crowd goes crazy.
-----
First I want to start pointing out that dates are subject to change because this is a work of fiction. Harry was supposed to appear in this chapter because he got back from Afghanistan on the 21st in real life, but then everything became too crowded, so he'll get back home in the next chapter. I also wanted to fit in a scene with her family but that will also happen in the next chapter as Mia meets the extended family.
If I've planned it all correctly we have three chapters left, so yay! And I've actually managed to stick with a consistent schedule which I'm so happy with!
Let me know what you guys think!!!