It feels like I've lost time. Like I've just awakened from a really long nap or recently come out of a coma. Everything around me seems much brighter; better than ever but there is also this sense of unknowing or a lack of awareness sitting heavily on my mind. One minute it was getting ready to dance and now I'm here trying to figure out why my phone and even the date on the TV says that today is Thursday. There are missing days between then and now and it makes no sense at all. I don't remember waking up this morning and can't say how long I've been in this position on my queen size bed watching huge drops of rain slid down the glass pane of my windows simply feeling...lost. This place is so unfamiliar to me but at the same time it feels like home.
I've walked around this apartment a total of three times taking in the bits and pieces of me in it before coming back to this bed where I'm sitting comfortably with all the fluffy pillows propped up beneath my back. Why can't I remember simple things like when I moved in here or exactly where here is? Why does that even matter? Aside from this place, there are unexplained feelings within me that's also contributed to my idle state on this bed. A part of me is mourning, empty, and longing as if I'm missing someone...but who?
A frustrated sigh is all I can manage at the moment. I'm tired of the circular motion going on inside my head and am in need of a break from my own mind. Throwing back the thick blankets and warm sheets I slipped out of bed heading straight for the bathroom. Of all the rooms in this apartment, this one has to be my favorite. The separate shower looks big enough to hold six people, the walls are shiny and made of the same granite rock as my kitchen counters, and the jacuzzi tub is up on a platform below another large window and surrounded by candles. I don't remember much of that bed and breakfast I was at but with an apartment like this I can't think of one reason why I'd need to go there to relax.
Sitting on the edge of the tub I flipped on the water immediately sighing when it touched my fingers. Right off it's the perfect temperature and fills the room with steam. I wasted no time pulling off the extremely large button up shirt that oddly smells of men's cologne and slipped into the water, again sighing my pleasure. It took no time at all to fill up and for that I was thankful because as soon as I laid back resting my head on the edge I found myself losing the battle to stay awake. The candles aren't lit but the aroma still filters around me. This feels like heaven. Fresh rain scented liquid heaven I wish I'd never had to leave. With my eyes closed and my body submerged to my breasts imagines of soaking in a hot spring that's situated at the bottom of a small grassy embankment with large boulder protruding from it enter my mind. Water cascades from the rocks cycling like a shower. Tiny green leaves cover every inch of soil around the boulders and the base of every tree.
I drop back into the water letting it soak into my hair and wash over me completely as if the beads of water running down my face, neck, and arms when I emerge from the warm depths take away every bit of stress and worry within my body. Suddenly there is whistling behind me and out of instinct I whip around folding my arms over my bare breasts. Men. Three men dressed in fancy dark attire stand within plain view of me watching with smiles and smirks. One steps forward, a tall grizzly looking man with sandy brown hair and a long nose bares his yellow teeth to me, props his foot up on the hollow log that hosts my dress. His mischievous grin is taunting sending chills down my spine. Disgusted chills.
"Where for art thou husband, fair maiden?" His voice contained heavy traces of an English accent that put so much fear into me that I didn't dare speak.
Wake up...wake up..why can't I wake up? I blinked hard thinking I'd be back in my bathroom soaking in the tub but my eyes land on the dark water surrounding me and the creamy white skin covering my arms. What the hell? Hearing the men behind me still, I moved a little deeper into the spring trailing my feet along the smooth stones at the bottom and turn my back to him.
"Art thou not betrothed?"
Still I said nothing but began to plot my escape. I don't want to get out of this water with them standing around me like vultures. I could turn, snatch my dress off the log and risk wetting it as I cross to the other side of the spring or stand here and hope that they'll soon leave me alone so I can dress and go home. Both options were soon lost to me as I hear movement behind me, glance over my shoulder and spot the man taking hold of my dress. He didn't have to speak for me to know his intention. He wanted me to get out and come after my dress. Overwhelming fear seeps into my heart as I'm left with no other choices. I'll stay here for as long as it takes to avoid these men.
The crunching of gravel and the unmistakable sound of a horse galloping near once again prompts me to look over my shoulder. This time I'm met with the blurred image of a dark figure. As he steps down from his midnight black steed his presence seems to cease the laughter of my tormentors. Without word he looks between me and each of the men, pulls off his cloak, and walks to the edge of the spring.
Rather than fear of another man with ill intentions I feel as if I can breath, as if I'm saved when he extends if hand to me. I avoided his eyes as I accepted his offer and made my way out of the water. He instantly wraps me up but I still feel shy that he can see the parts of me that I'm not able to cover with my hands. Warmth from the thick woven material silences the chill of my trembling body. I owe him. He's truly saved me and I owe him. It is only when he leads me to his horse that I turn and look up into his eyes. The deepest darkest pair of brown eyes.
I jolted awake, sitting now in lukewarm water. Instinctively I looked around the room only relaxing back when I realize I'm alone. Was I dreaming? It felt so real. More like a memory than something random my imagination could've drawn up. Every scent, the earth, the water, everything that has to do with nature I could smell and everything that was there I could see clearly. All but the kind man that offered me his jacket. Besides his lightly tanned skin and hair that was dark and wavy I couldn't make out anything else. It was like looking at someone through tears blinking hard to banish them in a desperate attempt to see clearly. The only feature that was visible to me was his eyes. Very dark and very familiar. I've seen them before. I don't know where or when but they will forever be burnt into my memory.
----
Walking the long narrow corridor I suddenly felt nervous. Why is yet another mystery to plague me today. It's easy to say that the reason is due to my absence that there is no excuse good enough to justify. As I approached the opened door I stopped and took a deep breath, peeking inside before taking the final steps.
"Nan?" The older version of my mother didn't even flinch as I called out to her. She just sat on the small sofa in front of her window and continued on with whatever was in her hands. Did I really expect anything else from her? No. My earliest memories of my grandmother all include incorrect name calling or just outright being ignored. As I walked around her bed and practically stepped into her view I smiled, sat beside her, and kissed her cheek. "How are you doing today Nan?"
"Who are you?" Surprisingly she looked up at me. What doesn't surprise me is what she said.
"I'm Rayne, Nan. Your granddaughter." All I got in response was a blank expression then she went right back to knitting. Even with the photo of me 6-years old and toothless, sitting beside her on the front porch of our old house residing on the table in front of her there was no sign of recognition in her eyes.
I remember why I stopped coming to visit now and that thought fills me with guilt. She was in another home before this one. I could never visit her there out of fear that Dalton would somehow track me down. After I moved in with Lou and had a good amount saved up, I was able to have her moved and also get the records sealed. After that my visits still remained far and in between due to the emotions being around her brought me. I'm pretty sure she has no clue that my mother, her only daughter, is no longer living. I'm pretty sure that she has no clue that I'm the daughter of that daughter. It's something that can't be helped but it hurts. For years, especially when I was sitting on those cold dirty park benches I'd question what life would've been like for me if Alzheimer's disease hadn't claimed my Nan. From the stories my mom used to tell me, my Nan was a tough woman. 'Pretty as the rarest flower, tougher than nails!' she'd say with the brightest smile. There is no way a woman like that would've seen her daughter with a man like Dalton or her granddaughter on the streets.
Around the room there are so many reminders of my mother. In a glass frame on the wall is the same picture from the wedding of Nan and my grandfather; a US marine at the time. Every inch of the window was covered by some kind of potted plant like in our house and each flat surface in the room contained pictures. Naturally I'm drawn to them since I don't have even one picture of my mother. That night I escaped Dalton I had no time to grab anything...not even a pair of shoes. Of all the things I wanted out of that house a picture was the only thing that ever came to mind.
I survey each picture and smile the whole trip down memory lane coming to a stop in front of the one that was always my favorite. Glancing quickly over my shoulder I checked to see if Nan was watching, which of course she wasn't. I feel bad like I'm stealing from her but I want--no need--I need this picture. Once I had it pulled successfully from the frame I took it to my grandmother holding it up so she could see it.
"I'm going to take this one. Ok, Nan?"
She didn't speak nor did she look at me this time. She just looked at the photo with a smile then went back to knitting. I'll take that as the 'go ahead' since it's clear she's not in the mood for talking. Placing one last kiss on her cheek I decided I'd end this visit. Since I don't have to work I can go and get this picture copied and if all goes well return this one to Nan by the end of the night. With all the pictures she has here one could say she could do without it but it's very special and probably still means as much to her as it does to me. The whole way out the building I kept looking over the still shot of my mother and the father I never knew, on prom night. Mom used to have a picture of them sitting at a table with all their friends that she would let me keep in my room. I used to tease her about how puffy her hair was and the bright colors she and my Dad wore. This picture brings back so many memories that I feel a lump forming in my throat. I miss her. I always miss her but the fond memories that arise when I'm around Nan always make it ten times worse.
I run my thumb over her face wishing and pointlessly praying that somehow I could have her back or even find something that could equal the amount of happiness I had when she was still alive. During my dumb decision to wish for the impossible I closed my eyes and ended up walking into something hard causing the picture to bend and float to the ground.
"Oh shit! I'm so sor--" Hands reached out and grabbed me before I could fall back ungracefully to the wet pavement. "Rayne?"
"Dave...I'm sorry I wasn't--"
"No it was my fault! I keep forgetting that I don't know how to walk and text at the same time." His face was so serious that I couldn't help but laugh. "What are you doing out here in this weather?"
"I needed to get out the house so I figured I'd visit my grandmother." Hooking my thumb over my shoulder I pointed to the large apartment-like building behind us. "What about you? I'd think you'd be home sleeping before a long night of stopping horny men from climbing on stage."
"I don't really sleep much plus I hate staying inside. Makes me feel caged." He smiled sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. I don't know why but for some reason I get the sense that what he'd just said had a double meaning. Before I even had the chance to mentally question it more or part my lips to ask, his smiled widened a little and hope filled his eyes. "Well seeing as we were both in need of some time out, why not do it together? Dinner and maybe a movie...on me?"
"Dave..."
"This doesn't have to be a date. Just maybe a chance for us to talk a little." He said that but I can see in his eyes that he didn't mean it. Lou always taught me to never mix your home life with what happens at work so I've never allowed myself to look at Dave in the way he was obviously looking at me. He subtly asked me out many times but I've always declined. Maybe that's why I was feeling the way I was this morning; lonely with half of my heart missing. I've been alone long enough and probably should start making moves to change that.
"Alright. But nothing too expensive." I glared playfully pulling the hood of my jacket up a little further.
"The dollar menu is too expensive?" At that I frowned and threw a quick punch into his arm to which his only laughed. "Just kidding! Come on before your hair gets too wet and I become the blame for it."
"You're already the blame for it." I joked stopping behind him as he knelt down picking something up off the ground. After a few seconds he was still kneeling so I leaned over his shoulder resting both my hands on them. They were tense beneath my fingers and rippled only as he turned his head to look at me.
"You dropped this?"
I smiled warming taking the picture of my parents from him. "Yeah when I ran into that wall also known as your chest." My laughter that followed those words were not returned.
"Rayne how do you know the man in this picture?"
My brows went up with that question as did my curiosity. The friendly playful demeanor that is always surrounding Dave is gone in a flash and he's looking at me intently with a strange look in his eyes. "He's my father...?" I didn't mean for it to trail off like a question but it did. Right away there was a change in his features. His muscles rippled again underneath my hands as he stood to his full height and ran his hand through his hair slowly. He stared at me unblinkingly and to be honest, it's freaking me out. "Dave? What's going on?"
There was another long drawn out pause before he even blinked and looked away from me. For the third time his facial expression changed but this time he looked heartbroken. Dave stepped forward taking my hand into his and looked me straight in the eye as he held up the picture with his other hand. "The man in this picture Rayne, is my Uncle."
In a hot spring surrounded by bright green grass
The only person that comes to mind right now is Nan but the feelings that come along with thoughts of her are of guilt. I haven't visited in a long time and it's not fair to her. I avoid her and all the emotions that come along with being in her presence because she looks so much like my Mom did. Not only that, for years I've feared that Dalton would somehow find me if I went to see her even for a second. It took a lot just to get her moved to a new nursing home after I escaped Dalton and moved in with Lou. Costed a lot to have those records of her move sealed as well. Despite that, I've yet to see her and I need to make up for it.
Throwing back the thick blankets and warm sheets I slipped out of bed and headed straight for the bathroom. After a nice hot bath and ,I have no one outside of Nan and it's really hard to miss someone who doesn't even remember you.
The last time that I visited her she looked at me as if I were a stranger. Even after she glanced over at the picture of me when I was six, toothless and sitting on her lap she still cut her eye at me. Instead of pushing it I
Absently I throw back the covers and eased out of bed making my way through the huge while double doors opposite the windows. After a few steps I hit a corner, turned and found myself standing the livingroom with my jaw damn near touching the floor. The room is furnished with warm colors, browns, tans, and gold offset by more smooth white carpet. My kitchen which I can clearly see from where I'm standing is a wide open space of granite counters, marble floor, and high-tech appliances. over to said windows and marveled over the view. The cars filling the street below resemble ants and the people, nothing more than tiny dots. This feels weird. I feel out of place and like someone just paused my life, picked me up and put me here. Not that I'm complaining or anything but I can't help but question.