"Sig! Is it properly set up this time?" Rain asked in an impatient tone.
"Just a moment, everything is captured except your face," a voice from behind the camera said, presumably Sig. "Your face is blurry."
Rain made a little jiggly dance in front of the camera in an attempt to make the camera focus and in the screen, his blurry silhouette was funny.
"Sorry but the camera does not register faces of dumb asses," another different voice commented.
"The hell are you talking about, Por?" Rain said indignantly. In the background, someone's laughter could be heard. "Stop laughing, Sky! I graduated. That means I am smart. At least we're on the same level seeing that we all graduated with the same average."
"Don't lump me with you guys," Sky croaked somewhere in the room.
Rain, Sky, Sig, Por, all of them sounded wasted.
The camera finally focused and Payu watched himself in the video just sitting on the sofa, grinning at the mess that had befallen in that hotel room.
Prapai walked into view. "How did I end up babysitting with you?" The question was directed at Payu.
"Maybe because your boyfriend is over there throwing up?"
"I am questioning why I allowed Sky, or everyone for that matter, to drink alcohol," Prapai said, shaking his head before walking away from the field of the camera.
Payu in the video crossed his legs. "It's fine. It's the night of their graduation. We should let them let loose."
"Yeah, but I didn't expect them to be a bunch of wild animals," Prapai replied although his tone carried a laughter that made the Payu in the video chuckle. "If one of them undresses in front of that camera Payu, I swear they're in your hands."
"Nobody undresses in front of the camera, you hear me?" Payu announced.
Por and Sig shouted their 'yesses'. Sky was groaning in the background.
Rain on the other hand proudly raised a hand. "Yes, daddy!"
Sig and Por cackled in the background, probably kicking the floor and the stand where the camera was as the video slightly shook.
"Rain?" Payu in the video called sternly. "No reckless plays in front of your friends."
It was always weird hearing his own voice from so many years ago. That man's tone always carried confidence, sureness, and strength. A decisiveness that the Payu now couldn't comprehend. That man and him might as well be two different species.
He hated him before. He hated him still. But with that hate came an envy. An envy that ultimately led him to feeling sorry.
"Yes, daddy," Rain repeated.
"..."
"I mean, yes, sir."
"..."
"Ah I mean, yes, future husband," Rain replied with a mischievous glint in his eyes. He knew what he was doing.
"Rain."
"Okay, okay. Got it!"
Por's and Sig's snickers continued in the background.
"Look, look," Rain said by way of changing the topic, moving the camera to his direction so the screen took over his entire face.
"Ugh, move a little farther away," Sig complained. "No one wants to see your mug in 4k."
Rain didn't listen. His tousled brown hair caught on the chandelier's reflection, almost as though he had a yellowish halo. His cheeks were pinkish, his smile wide and goofy. Payu in the video and the Payu now both couldn't take their eyes off Rain waving his hand at the camera.
"You see this?" Rain asked proudly. "This is an engagement ring! I'm engaged to that cool, handsome guy sitting behind me! P'Payu! Today!"
"Yey!" Sig and Por cheered in unison in the background. Their clapping hands were the sound effects. "Congrats! Even though we don't know why a guy like P'Payu would propose to you, still! Congrats!"
"Shut up those two behind. I don't need your commentary!"
Rain got closer to the camera and showed his left hand. The ring on his ring finger looked shiny and new. The ring looked like it belonged there and nowhere else.
"Nobody can take this from me," Rain declared to the camera. "Just try."
Payu in the video shook his head.
Rain turned to look at Payu behind him. "If you want to take this back, you'll have to slice off my finger!"
"Why would I take it back? I gave it to you with my mind set that you're mine."
Rain stood and swayed as he climbed on Payu's lap. "Good. Just making sure."
"Oiiiii..." Prapai's voice entered the video. "I thought no reckless behavior? Aren't you sending this video to Rain's dad overseas?"
Rain quickly stood and stepped on Payu's foot in the process. The man in the video flinched and hissed at his toe, probably murdered inside his dress shoe.
"Ugh, you..." Payu hissed.
Rain ignored his fiance and went back in front of the camera.
"I am never giving this ring away," Rain said with all seriousness in front of the camera. "I won't. But if I took this off and gave it back, P'Payu it means you fucked up big time! You have to come get me. You grovel on the ground and do every cosplay I want you to do."
"Agh, there it is, Rain's kinks. Are you sure you want to keep recording?" Sig asked in the background.
Payu in the video stood from where he was seated and pulled Rain up from squatting on the floor.
"I placed that ring on your finger and I intend to keep it that way. No way I'll break that promise."
"But I still want a cosplay--"
"Sig, please turn the camera off. This one's totally drunk and out of it."
"You will get me even if I run away right?" Rain whined. "You will, won't you?"
"I will. I'll bind you to me so you can't even be far."
Quickly appeased in his drunken mind, Rain grinned widely and hugged Payu, burying his face into the nook of Payu's exposed neck.
The scene in front of him went still the moment Payu had pressed the 'pause'.
"..."
Payu dropped the remote he was holding on the low table before him and just stared at the faces. Such happiness and trust and contentment. In Rain's eyes. In the eyes too of the Payu six years ago.
"..."
"You've been watching that clip since this morning, Payu."
Payu kept on staring at the screen, not removing his gaze an inch away. He heard a soft sigh and felt his twin brother move from behind to sit on the other end of the sofa.
"They... were so happy, Saifa. Just look at them."
"..." Saifa glanced at the screen.
"I ruined everything. I ruined it, didn't I?"
Saifa reached for the remote and dialled the volume at the lowest. The man chose a random video of Rain practicing for a job interview.
With those hopeful and determined eyes staring at Payu through the screen, a sting not quite painful, yet something that cannot be ignored lingered inside him.
He wanted to look away. To stop seeing those earnest eyes. But something just kept his head staring back as if his own body was protesting, rebelling against him.
"Rain brought so much noise in this house," Saifa muttered as the man watched Rain go over his notes and stare back at the camera. "I miss those days Payu, to be honest."
"..."
"I can't believe that after all this time, this is how it's gonna end."
"..."
"It's a miracle he held on for this long."
Payu gritted his teeth and resisted the urge to stand and pull the TV's chord directly from the outlet itself.
"I am sorry, Payu."
Payu glanced at his twin. Saifa had lowered his head down. As if hiding himself from Payu and in shame.
"I couldn't do much for you and all I did was push you into a corner as if gaining your memory is as easy as snapping a finger."
"..."
"I dismissed your suffering and confusion as something trivial compared to what Rain's been going through."
"..."
"But when I saw you in the rain right after Rain had left, I realized no one had it any easier. Just because you were peaceful in the mountains didn't really mean you were okay."
"..."
"I'm sorry for failing as a brother, Payu."
Payu clasped his hands together, his elbows on his knees. "What else could you have done?" Staring on the floor, he glanced at his twin. "You did your best to make up to Rain for the misery I caused. You tried to protect and support him. I should be thanking you."
"..."
"..."
The clip on the screen changed into the sea. Just the sea and the seagulls flying in the distance.
"Is... is it really over Payu?"
"..."
"Is this what you want?"
Dragging his gaze from the floor to the screen, Payu gave a self-deprecating smile. "I have no clue of what I want, Saifa."
"..."
"You know, I sometimes wake up with my hand reaching up to the ceiling. As if I was trying to reach something. But I have no idea what."
"..."
"The voices in my head don't make sense. The unease in my chest would not settle. My therapy does not give me any progress. I'm like a mouse running endlessly in a circle."
Saifa watched the sea and the blue waves in the screen.
"Can I ask you something else?" Saifa started. "Let's say your memories are not a problem. Let's just say it's just you meeting Rain again for the first time as strangers, getting to know him again and knowing his quirks, his personality. Who is Rain to you, Payu?"
Payu's shoulders tensed, his clasped hands tightening against each other.
"..."
"Sometimes I wonder if we have been too focused on regaining your memories..." Saifa said absently.
Payu felt the slight thumping in his temples, slowly creeping in to end up like massive drums beating inside his head for later. He winced and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"I still could not believe this..." Saifa whispered.
As the headache that started from the front of his skull grew instense, now extending to the back of his head, Payu staggered to stand.
There was nothing keeping him here anymore. Him and Rain were no longer tied by the past that only one of them could remember. The more he thought about it, the more it became concrete but the less it also made sense.
Suddenly, all he could see in the back of his mind was the mountains. The massive skies. And the smell of dirt and wet grass in the air.
"...I am going back to the mountains."
That had Saifa raising his head quickly. "What? Huh? So suddenly?"
"I am going back to the village where I spent my five years."
Saifa stood as well, confusion in his eyes. "But Payu, if you leave in the middle of all this..."
Payu raised a hand, stopping his brother mid sentence. He shook his head a bit and offered a smile to his worried brother, acting confident when he himself felt reeling at the sudden urge of what he was about to do.
"I don't know much of anything right now, Saifa... But going back to the village is something I feel like I have to do."
----------------------------------------
When Sky opened the door, the shock on his face was still visible. It was as though he didn't believe it although the man already saw Rain through the door monitor.
"You look like you saw a ghost," Rain teased as he handed Sky a box of cake.
Sky accepted the box but his eyes wouldn't leave Rain's face.
"Well, that is exactly how I feel right now," Sky replied. He nodded for Rain to enter and he closed the door behind. "You were gone with nothing but a 'do not worry I am just thinking' text and was gone from the face of the earth for two damn weeks."
"I was giving updates through texts," Rain pouted. "I just really am thinking about a lot of things."
"..."
Sky pursed his lips, his eyes narrowed. It was as though he wasn't sure whether to hug or strangle Rain.
"Have you eaten?" In the end, Sky just expelled a resigned but patient breath and headed for the kitchen. "I can heat up some stew for you."
Rain followed Sky and shook his head. "I already ate. Thanks."
"Well," Sky turned to get some plates and forks. "We can share the cake you brought instead."
Rain smiled and nodded. "Sounds good."
"Where have you been anyway? What have you been up to?" Sky asked as he was carefully opening the delicate box of blueberry cheesecake. "You kept on saying you were thinking in your texts. That not to visit you. I am respecting your decision to be alone but I still can't help but be worried, what with that Ple fiasco."
Rain sat on the chair and just watched his best friend carefully slice into the cake. Sky was so serious but his eyes sparkled at the sight of the cream spilling.
"..."
After some time, Sky looked at Rain.
"Why are you looking at me like that? It's making me nervous."
"What?" Rain asked. "Can't I just look at you?"
"Not when you're staring at me quietly that way."
Rain crossed his arms on the table and rested his chin over. "I just realized that it's been a while since I looked at you. Like really looked at you. I actually miss you. I didn't even notice that you had your hair permed. I am not a good friend to you lately. I'm sorry."
Sky ungently slammed the knife into the waiting paper towel on the table. "Yeah, I got it permed this week for a work mate's baby shower which is why you missed it. It's not a big deal."
"It's good on you. Have it styled that way for a longer while."
"Are you actually drunk?" Sky huffed. "You're talking nonsense right now."
Rain grinned. "I'm just saying that I actually missed you, for real. No lies."
"You know, buttering me up won't make me any less annoyed that you're acting like a mushroom lately." Sky sighed. "You just pop out whenever you feel like it."
"Sorry," Rain said, smiling when Sky pushed the small plate of cake towards his direction. "I lose grasp of time sometimes. It's so excruciatingly slow for me. But then I realize the world is fast spinning for you, for everyone else."
"..."
"I have freed myself. But I also feel stuck. It's funny but it's not."
Instead of sitting on the chair across Rain's, Sky walked all the way from the other side to the chair beside Rain. The man sat, facing Rain with a concerned look in his eyes.
"What are you not telling me?"
Rain smiled a little at Sky before turning to the cake, slicing in the middle and bringing a small portion into his mouth. He chewed quietly and Sky just let him, patiently waiting, not hurrying Rain to speak.
When Rain swallowed and the taste of the cake remained bland and no sweetness could be traced in his mouth, he glanced at Sky. "P'Payu and I are over."
Sky just stared at Rain. There was absolute confusion and hint of disbelief as he watched Rain just sit there staring into the cake again.
"I ended it," Rain said nonchalantly before picking another portion of the cake into his mouth. "Is it just me? But I can't taste anything? I mean, it tastes okay I guess but the texture is off too..."
"..."
"You should taste the cake, Sky. Maybe it's not good or it's past its expiration date. We can still ask for a refund."
"..."
Rain scooped another portion and popped it into his mouth. "It's really weird," he mumbled as he scooped another and pointed it at Sky. "Here, you taste it."
Sky looked at the fork and the way the cake was precariously holding on for dear life, not falling to the floor. He looked back at Rain with a pained expression before eating the cake Rain was offering.
"What do you think?" Rain asked.
Sky chewed. For someone eating cake, he looked like he ate something bad. His expression was downcast.
"It tastes the same," Sky mumbled. "But the taste is bland and the texture is off for you because you're eating it along with the paper underneath."
"I am?" Rain asked. He didn't really realize that he was also eating the paper. He was all over the place lately. Granted, he always was. But he also knew he was getting worse. "Haha, silly me."
"..."
Rain ate some more. He ate and ate, chewing the softness, taking in the sugar that was supposed to pick him up. Serotonin boost or whatever that was called. But all he could feel in his mouth was moist blandness and the pain in his chest still throbbing unrelentlessly since the day he last saw Payu.
"I bwoke up wij him, Schy..." Rain mumbled with his mouth full. "I bwoke up wij him." He swallowed the cake and he almost threw it up. "It's been two weeks and it still hurts."
Sky gently pulled the fork out of Rain's grasp and placed it back on the plate. The man then wiped the cream off the corner of Rain's mouth.
"Break ups are always painful, Rain..."
"..."
"...especially when it's the last thing you want to do."
Rain pursed his lips, fighting off the tears welling in his eyes.
Lately, his eyes had become a damn waterfall. He would cry when he couldn't find the other pair of his socks. He would cry when the traffic lights would take long to change. He would cry when he couldn't squeeze out enough toothpaste. He would cry when the leaves from the trees fell. He would cry simply for no reason.
It was tiring. He was so tired of being tired. He was sad for being sad.
"You're so brave for saving yourself and P'Payu. For giving both of you the chance to heal on your own."
Rain balled his fists on his lap.
"Sometimes I wonder if it's the right decision... what if I made a mistake?"
"...do you regret it?"
"No." He really didn't. Because deep down he knew they both needed it. He didn't regret it at all. But it didn't mean that the severity of the pain was less. If anything, it was more pronounced. Almost fathomless, killing him inside.
"We cannot tell if it's the 'right' decision or the wrong one. But from what I can see... it's a much needed decision at this moment."
Rain smiled. "Look at you, with these big encouraging words. Always the voice of reason between the two of us."
Sky patted Rain's hand and gripped it tight. "You will be okay, Rain."
"..."
"You always bounce back. You will be alright."
"..."
"And so is P'Payu. He will be alright."
"..."
"You two will be alright," Sky whispered as he wiped Rain's cheek with his other hand. "It hurts now. Let it. Allow it. Slowly... surely... one day, it will be okay."
For a whole while, the two of them just sat there. Allowing the silence in the kitchen and each other's breath a reminder that they got each other. That whatever the situation was, there was no judgement between the two of them. Only understanding. Kindness. Support only a long time best friend could provide.
When Rain gave the first sign of a yawn, Sky gripped Rain's hand one last time and stood.
"Stay the night."
"..."
"It's been ages since we did a sort of overnight. P'Pai is on the last day of his business trip. I've been alone in this damn huge box for three days now."
When Sky started clearing the plates, Rain stood and attempted to help.
"You go wash up," Sky ordered, quickly taking the plates so Rain had nothing to do. "You still have your clothes in the guest room from the last time you stayed over." Sky turned his back and began putting the leftover cake into a container. The ones that Rain butchered but didn't eat ended in the trash. "Now that I think about it, it's been so long since the last time you've been here."
"..."
Sky glanced at Rain with a smile. "It's just like when we were in college."
"..."
"Go on. This won't take long."
Rain stood for a few more minutes in the kitchen, just listening to Sky tinker about the dishes. The running water was loud. The kitchen was modern but homey. Because unlike him, Sky was a good cook and the man did spend a lot of time in this space.
Rain slowly took his steps, letting the soles of his feet feel the cold floorboards. P'Pai and Sky were living together in a quiet exclusive apartment in the center of the city. Due to each other's work, they decided to be closer to everything.
"..."
In the living room, picture frames were all lined up in display cabinets and walls. Rain smiled at the collage of black and white photos behind the massive sofa. It was like a history of Sky's life from childhood to now.
"..."
Rain paused at the left portion of the wall. His face was in one of the photos. So happy while clinging to Payu. Payu had thrown his head back in a laugh and despite it being black and white, Rain could still remember the bright blue sky above them and the smell of newly mowed grass on the university grounds. It was the day of his and Sky's graduation and the day Payu had proposed.
"..."
Rain smiled. At the memory. At the warmth it brought. But at the same time it also brought a deep ache inside him. Piercing sensations that reminded him that the him in the photo was in the past and now was his future.
"You were so happy then. Who would have thought..."
Payu's finger shone with the engagement ring. It made Rain feel for his own ring finger, now cold and bare.
After marvelling at the slice of his life inside the photo, Rain pushed himself to walk away. If he could, he would have jumped right into the photo and live inside it. But now was his reality. And even when shackles were like chained around his ankles, he would have to get used to his new now. Of settling into the idea that he was now truly single and on his own.
It didn't take long for him to find the guest room and wash up. Although it had been years, all of Rain's belongings were still neatly kept in one of the drawers in the room.
"..."
Carefully, Rain climbed into the bed, pulling the covers right above his mouth. The window's curtain was pushed to the side, letting him look at the inkly night sky and the stars. He closed his eyes. Breathing calmly, evenly. He let all the tension from his body ebb away. From his shoulders to his neck down to his toes.
"..."
Rain didn't open his eyes even when he heard the door open and close. He remained unmoving even when he felt the dip of the bed and the sigh Sky expelled after settling beside Rain in the bed.
"Are you asleep?" Sky whispered.
"Not yet."
"Hmmm..."
The room was quiet for a while before Sky turned to his side, facing Rain.
"We can sleep in the master's bedroom. The bed's bigger."
Rain opened his eyes and glanced at Sky. "No way. I don't want to sleep on the bed where my best friend does the deed."
Sky was expressionless before he ended up snickering.
"That's so weird," Rain said with a laugh.
Sky snorted under the covers. "Shut up."
Rain didn't really care where they slept. But the master's bedroom was PPai's and Sky's personal space. Rain had been constantly inconveniencing them for so many years. He didn't want to invade that one last place for the couple.
"Someone's reminiscing," Rain teased.
"Shut the hell up," Sky groused as he kicked Rain by the feet.
They continued snickering under the covers. Snickers that turned to giggles until it turned into full blown cackling as they rolled all over the bed like kids in their tent.
Sky grabbed a pillow and smothered Rain with it lightly. "Shut up already. Why are you even laughing?"
Rain slapped the pillow away and jabbed Sky on the shoulder with his finger. "Why are you laughing?"
"I don't know," Sky replied, taking a deep breath to save his burning lungs. "That was tiring... stop shaking over there."
Rain laughed some more before finally calming down.
The room was even more quiet after their laughter had died down. Just them staring into the dim ceiling, watching the imaginary patterns that emerged from nothingness in the dark.
"Sky..." Rain began.
"Hmm?"
"Go ahead and get married."
Sky, who was getting drowsy, opened his eyes in surprise. "What is this about so suddenly?"
Rain turned to his side so he could look Sky even in the dark. "You think I don't know?"
"..."
"That you and P'Pai are stalling your wedding because of me?"
"That's not true--"
"You two are already engaged before we even graduate. You already planned for it. A small intimate gathering with just your closest people."
"..."
"But then the accident happened. P'Payu went missing and I was a mess."
"..."
"You think I don't know that you want to get married already? But because you guys are worried about how I'd feel, you keep stalling and stalling."
"...it's a decision P'Pai and I came up with."
"Sky... I won't feel bad that my best friend is going to get married. Sure... I may be a little jealous..."
"..."
"But I don't want your plans getting pushed back just because of me."
"..."
"What?" Rain poked Sky in the arm. "Don't tell me you're still thinking about that joke I made before? That the four of us should have a double wedding?"
"..."
Rain smiled. "Sky... I don't know when or if P'Payu and I will still get back together."
"..."
"It may not happen in this lifetime any longer. Don't wait for me or for P'Payu and our situation to be fixed. Hmm?"
Sky searched for Rain's hand under the cover and held it tight.
"I want to see your wedding, Sky. Do it while I'm still here."
Sky stared at Rain's eyes for a good minute, his expression unreadable, his shoulders tensing. He gripped Rain's hand tighter as if he was afraid Rain would slip away from his hold. "You... talk as if you're going away for good."
"Silly. I just suddenly thought of travelling."
"..."
"See new places. See new cultures. Maybe if I keep myself busy and get new experiences... the emptiness that I feel will somehow lessen."
"..."
"So don't worry about me too much na?"
Sky just quietly gripped Rain's hand tighter between his two hands.
"I will worry about you no matter what."
"...are you my second mom?" Rain kidded.
"I might as well," Sky mumbled before closing his eyes.
"So you're gonna get married? When? How soon?"
Sky slapped Rain's hand but didn't let go.
"I'll just surprise you."
Rain smiled and excitedly scooted closer to Sky. A few seconds later, his best friend's breathing had even out. Sky's grip on Rain's hand had loosened, only their fingers were idly tangled. He watched his best friend sleep. Something that he'd not done in forever.
"Thank you for everything, Sky," he whispered.
He just felt the need to say it. And whether Sky heard it or not, the man just squeezed Rain's hand gently before completely slipping into the lull of sleep.
-----------------------------------------
The chilly breeze normally comforted Payu. The smell of the grass and the dirt normally calmed him down. He thought coming back to the mountains where he stayed for almost five years would provide him some steadiness.
But aside from the familiar places and faces, the restlessness inside him just grew. Almost like something was rioting inside him, seeking something in anguish.
"..."
The villagers welcomed him with wide, warm hugs. The kids were happy so see him once again. And not a single person in the village had mentioned or asked for the person they knew as "Rose".
"..."
The evening had just started. The sky offering thousand more stars than the city sky could ever offer. He'd been back here for three days now. Yet the tiredness he could feel down in his bones was not letting up. It was fatigue clearly not from the travel. It was as though the farther he got from the city, the heavier he felt inside. Like an invisible band trying to pull him hard back.
Payu was sitting on the grass, under the same tree he came to the first time he learned that all of his five years were only lies. That night, he was still trying to put the benefit of the doubt, weighing Ple saving him instead of the fact that he was snatched from his real life.
He glanced at the large hut from a distance. The yellowish glow of the oil and solar lamps served like a light in a lighthouse in the sea of darkness. The hut that served as the place for medical concerns looked tiny and sad. Rain had sat outside of that hut the entire night as well, waiting for Payu to return.
"..."
It was a terrible thing he'd done. Letting Rain wait for him all the time. During those times, Rain was the bringer of uncertainty and chaos in Payu's five years of peace in the mountains. Rain was the enemy.
"..."
But that enemy only showed patience, a bottomless amount of care and understanding. A fathomless and selfless love.
"..."
Payu sighed and felt for something inside his pocket. When he felt the cold and smooth silver band that belonged to Rain, he pulled it out and just let the metal rest inside his palm. Sometimes he would wear it in his pinky, the ring slightly tighter and smaller to fit his own ring finger.
"..."
As he sat there, unable to settle the confusing emotions and thoughts in his head, the sound of leaves crushing under a weight of light footsteps alerted him that someone was coming close.
When he glanced to the other side, a small shadow was moving closer to him. The sky and the clouds gave way for the moon to peek and it showed Gemma's young face.
"Hello, Phi."
Payu closed his fist, caging Rain's ring inside his hand.
The girl didn't speak again and decidedly sat beside Payu on the grass. Both kid and adult stared into the dark expanse of the mountains for quite a while. The wind whispered the songs of the trees and the nocturnal animals replied in the distance.
"You came from the direction opposite of the village," Payu said after some time. "I know you're familiar with the mountains but it's still dangerous to be walking around alone at night. Does your grandma know you're here?"
Gemma hugged her knees, her pale pink dress earlier looked gray in the night. "It's still early in the evening so it is fine, Phi. Also... I dug something up that I buried before."
Payu glanced at the girl. Gemma had always been quite different from the kids in the village. She spoke maturely and without a filter. Maybe it was because her grandma had treated her like an adult from the very beginning, being her as a healer in training.
Gemma shook her head, her demeanor slightly off. She looked feeble and unsure which was contrary to her usual calm demeanor.
"I hope it's not a corpse," Payu replied, trying to lighten the mood for Gemma's sake.
The girl gripped the hem of her dress, appearing unsure for the first time in a long while Payu had known her.
"Is something the matter?" Payu gently asked.
Gemma continued picking the hem of her dress. "I was hoping that when you come back here Phi, P'Rain is with you."
Payu let the wind brush by them.
He didn't know how to respond to that. He didn't know. He had no idea his life, this situation, would be like this. He was tossed from one situation to another. He hadn't even settled his thoughts and emotions about something and he was thrown again into another.
His life confused him. His very own mind confused him. The thought of Rain weighed heavily in his mind.
"You've taken a liking to him," Payu whispered. "That's rare."
"Because he's honest, Phi," Gemma replied. "You don't probably totally believe about energies, Phi. But P'Rain has got the prettiest pale yellow glow around him. It's warm. It's welcoming even though he is hurting."
Gemma and the village healer always talked about 'energies'. It was a concept that was hard to understand and accept but it was the norm in the village and Payu never questioned it. Perhaps, Gemma and her grandmother could really distinguish these 'energies'. These people were after all more in tune with the nature all around them than anyone else.
The girl pursed her lips and glanced at Payu with her young but knowing gaze. As if the girl could see more than what the physical world offered. "Everything is chaotic around you, Phi. But P'Rain is the one thing that's constant. That's what I saw when he first came here."
Payu gripped the ring tighter in his hand and sighed. "Constant..."
That constant had put a stop to everything and no one can blame him.
Gemma rolled her shoulders and glanced at Payu's closed fist. "What are you holding, Phi?"
Payu looked at Gemma for a few seconds before opening his fist. Rain's ring glinted in the middle of his palm, the moon reflecting on it.
"It's P'Rain's, isn't it?" Gemma asked in a small voice Payu barely heard it over the sudden gush of wind.
"It is. But how did you know?"
Gemma pursed her lips before pulling something from the pocket of her skirt. She extended her closed hand over Payu's open hand and dropped something small. The sound of two metals meeting and brushing each other was exceptionally loud in the middle of this nature filled darkness.
"...because I have been keeping something similar, Phi," Gemma replied quietly.
"...?!"
Payu stared at the two rings in his palm. One was Rain's. The other one that Gemma dropped was slightly larger. The rings had the same cut and design. He picked it up and looked at the engraved words inside. It was his and Rain's name that met in an infinity loop around the band.
"Why..." Payu whispered. "Why is this with you?"
"..."
Payu turned to look at Gemma. Conflicting emotions crashing like whirlwinds inside his chest.
Gemma hugged her knees and rocked herself as she was staring in the distance. Payu could tell in her stance that she was actually... afraid.
"The first night you came to the village, I was just eight years old, Phi. Grandma was busy and everyone in the village was panicking trying to look after you."
"..."
"Even after all the commotion, while I was fetching water from the well, I saw P'Rose outside the hut."
"..."
"I saw her throw something shiny in the grass."
"..."
Gemma tightened her arms around her knees. "I didn't like her energy from the start. But when I searched the area where she stood and found the ring, I didn't like her even more."
"..."
The girl glanced at Payu. "At that time, I truly don't have an idea what it all meant. The ring, your memories, P'Rose's motives. All I know... was I didn't like her."
"..."
Payu hesitantly placed the larger ring into his ring finger. It fit so perfectly goosebumps ran all over his arms.
He stared at the band on his ring finger more. Feeling the unfamiliarity of the band around his skin. The weight. The meaning it carried.
"Why didn't you return this to me before?" he asked. He couldn't even be mad. "Or even when Rain found the village and claimed to be my fiance?"
"Because I don't understand what was going on, I just held on to the ring, buried it in the woods until I have forgotten about it." The girl lowered her gaze to her lap. "I am so sorry, Phi."
"..."
"I am sorry for acting on my own and keeping the ring from you..." She began picking the grass beside her. "When P'Rain came to the village, that's the time I remembered about the ring. Even then I couldn't return the ring back to you, Phi."
Payu swallowed. "Why?"
Gemma continued picking at the grasses until most near to her were gone. "Because your energy at that time was all wrong, Phi. Back then, even if I gave you the ring, it would all still be meaningless. You were... strongly rejecting P'Rain the first time he came here."
Payu stared at his closed fist, his throat tight. What Gemma said, although hard to grasp, was probably not far from the truth. Payu was strongly holding on to the life he had in the mountains with Rose and even if he didn't want to admit it, he did brush Rain aside for all the times Rain attempted to talk to him.
"Please don't be mad at me, Phi..." Gemma whispered. Her voice breaking.
"..."
Payu drew a deep breath and lifted his free hand. He placed his hand on top of the girl's head for a few seconds.
"I am not mad at you. It is not your fault."
Gemma hugged her knees some more, burying her face on top of her knees. She didn't make a sound but the brief tremble on her shoulders was sign enough that it was something that weighed over her young shoulders.
"I am not mad at you, Gemma."
She was quiet for a long time. The shaking of her shoulders had stopped. Her breathing was more even. Her eyes when she raised her head were clear.
"What made you return the ring now?" Payu asked.
Gemma tucked her hair behind her ear. Her confidence coming back to her slowly.
"Because... this time it is different."
"Different?"
"Returning the ring to you before would have been meaningless. But not now, Phi."
"...it has meaning now because?"
Before Gemma could speak, a bunch of voices called to them. Payu was so focused on the ring and Gemma he didn't hear the other kids at all.
"P'Payuuuuuuu!"
One of the village kids screamed, running towards the hill where he and Gemma were sitting. The other kids waited at the foot of the hill. The boy screaming Payu's name almost stumbled but stopped the momentum. With his little legs, he climbed the hill and thrust Payu's phone the kid had borrowed that afternoon to his direction.
"Your phone is so boring!"
Payu took the phone, realizing the battery was drained.
"But you used up the battery," Payu replied, pressing into the power button. After a few seconds, the screen lit up almost blinding him from getting used to the dim.
"Hmpht!" the boy crossed his arms. "You don't have games. You don't have movies. You don't have anything!"
Gemma glanced at the boy.
"Why do you only have this many pictures of this guy in your gallery? Just one person! He isn't even looking at the screen! How boring is that?"
The boy stuck his tongue out and ran down the hill towards the other kids waiting for him. Their laughter filled the air and the farther they ran from the hill, their voices sounded like how voices fade in a dream.
"..."
Payu slowly swiped on the screen. From the few apps of the phone towards his gallery. He didn't even know why his hand began noticeably shaking.
The phone that was given to him the first time he arrived at the city by Rain was seldom used. It was only used for calling and even that was contained to just a number of people.
As he scrolled through the gallery, he saw something he failed to notice before.
He swiped and swiped, seeing a pattern so clear it was... unnerving.
Why was something so obvious so hard to see?
"..."
The only pictures there-- the only subject-- was of Rain.
Rain in his swing in the garden.
Rain's back as the man was trying to cook.
Rain watering the plants.
Rain watching the TV.
He snapped photos of a single person for no reason and just because.
He couldn't remember when it started. Maybe the day after both of them broke down in that massive house's kitchen. Maybe after they have watched the rainbow after that calm rainshower. Payu had no idea.
All of it were stolen pictures of Rain.
When Rain wasn't looking.
When Rain wasn't aware that Payu was watching.
"..."
The phone gave a soft warning tone. Then it died again with the battery completely used up this time. Payu stared at the black screen of the device in his hand. The shadows were even darker after the phone took out the light.
Payu looked at Gemma. The rise and fall of his chest was fast and heavy, almost as though something in him was catching up, slamming into place.
"..."
His chest was so tight. Even when he could breathe it just wasn't working. It made him so dizzy and yet all too self-aware at the same time.
Gemma stood and patted her skirt clean of clinging grass and leaves. "...I'm gonna go head back to the village first, Phi."
"..."
"...I am sorry again..."
"..."
"...and uh... I don't think I have to answer your question anymore, Phi."
The girl quietly walked down the hill, following the trail that led back to the cluster of houses not so far into the horizon.
The sound of the wind was gone even when the air was whipping at Payu's hair.
All he could hear was a beating in his chest so loud it was deafening.
Payu staggered to stand, tucking the dead phone into the back pocket of his jeans. He gripped the rings tighter in his right hand, the other holding on to the tree trunk as he reeled and felt himself loosing his ground.
His blood was so hot, as if he was having a sudden fever. He could feel tingles from his fingertips to his toes. An electric current that felt so new but also familiar.
"...?"
He went with Rain at the time hoping to find the most important thing that he'd lost.
All this time he thought it was his memories.
It was too late to realize that Rain was the embodiment of what probably where his happiest and proudest memories. And he just brushed him away, kept pushing him aside.
"Ha..."
The heat in his palm transferred to the rings inside his grip and it was as though the rings were now on fire, burning his skin.
"Haha..."
Payu turned around and leaned his back against the rough trunk of the tree. One hand over his eyes, he began laughing.
"Hahaha..."
He laughed and laughed, the wind carrying his hallow, empty voice away.
He tried to laugh some more but nothing came out. Instead, it was a pained breath, a low whimper from his gut as it finally dawned on him that he made a huge mistake.
"..."
The rings in his hand have lost their meaning. And with his realization that very moment, they gained a new one.
He gritted his teeth, thumping the back of his head against the tree behind him.
"..."
It was too late to realize that even with no memories even now, he'd fallen for the same person twice.
"..."
He lost him five years ago due to an accident.
"..."
And it hurt to finally see that this time again, he lost Rain.
"..."
He lost Rain because of his own blindness and stupidity.
Tbc.
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Notes:
See you in chapter 11! I heard there's an eclipse coming or it already passed in your timezone? I hope you experienced that. I never get to see shooting stars and eclipses even when I wait for them. LOL
ps. Payu and Rain have been engaged a year before the accident. Chapter 4.
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