| L's point of view, six months later |
My eyes burn as I stare at my telescreen in the dark, resting my fist under my chin. Adam and Arabella created a chip simulator called Shield. It's an online environment where we can host any chip software structure and test and manipulate it. We're in the process of making a firewall to block hacks aimed at the chip. It's a long work in progress, a constant creation that needs reforming and tweaking based on the information we gather.
On top of Shield, I've been tracking Phantom's activity with Adam. There are five divisions in Haven: north, south, east, west, and central Haven-with many secret hideouts. I was in the central division led by Colton, with roughly twenty members split into five teams of four. We were designed to be small because our purpose was narrow: kill key Haven officials. That could mean a bombing at a place they were meeting or a single-person assassination. Adam and I have been on the lookout for such threats and similar ones.
In recent cases Adam had as a Watchman; unexplainable mindless violent acts have been occurring...strangers killing strangers on the spot...and their chip biomedical software showed no changes in their bodies. It is a serious, serious threat that if not extinguished, could prove to be fatal and cause anarchy. It sounds like something Phantom would be behind and I believe they are.
I know I'm painting a target on my back by exposing Phantom but I've never really worried about losing my life. Firewall's objective must come before filling my wants, needs, and desires. I couldn't care less if Phantom shoots me in the head or I pass out from lack of sleep.
There are many things to do and people to save. No matter what I do, my efforts are never enough. My worst mistakes will always be waiting for me in my shadow when I feel the need to rest. When I lay to sleep, the faces I've killed and the people I've tortured reappear before me. I hear their screams and feel myself standing over them.
I don't deserve rest.
Though I've accomplished all my daily tasks, I open up a case file in Shield that Adam has been working on as a Watchman. Maybe I can find something to prove Phantom is behind these crimes.
My caller rings and I glance down to see Adam's profile on my telescreen. It's 3:30 am, he's normally sleeping at this hour. I answer quickly.
"L...why are you on Shield?"
"I'm working," I respond simply.
I'm confused to hear a gruff sigh blow into my ear. I thought he would be pleased.
"L," He mutters, "When was the last time you slept?"
The off-topic question makes my mind go blank What? This is the third time this week he's asked about my personal habits. I don't understand why he keeps poking me with questions when I'm getting work done. There are more important things to be concerned about.
"There's no time for rest, " I insist, "Now when there's work to be done."
He sighs heavily.
"I'm coming over."
Hearing the door click, I spin around in my chair. Light breaks through the crack and Adam's voice booms as if he hadn't just woken up. I can't quite place the emotion in his words. He sounds mad but there's something else behind the frustration.
"L, what are you doing?"
I'm surprised to hear Arabella's soft, yet firm voice follow his lead.
"You need to sleep."
She's up too? What's going on?
The door flies open and light flashes across the room, temporarily blinding me. I blink heavily feeling my eyes sting sharply. Adam and Arabella's blurry forms move across the room.
"L!" Arabella exclaims, "You look awful."
"What?" I feel my face in search for blood.
I don't have any wounds. Nothing on me hurts.
What's wrong?
My vision adjusts so I see her kneeling in front of me, wearing her black robe. Her green eyes sweep across my features and I can feel her calculating the days I haven't gotten sleep. I sense the personal questions coming and turn away from her.
Why is she wasting time worrying about my health? Our objectives are much more important.
Adam, shirtless in a pair of ripped jeans, kicks an empty energy drink can across the floor. He scowls looking at my room though the only trash in sight is a single can. He gravitates toward the kitchen and conducts an investigation.
"No dirty dishes in the sink..."
He swipes a finger along the countertop.
"Dusty countertops. Clean fridge handle..."
The strange critiques puzzle me.
"You haven't been eating," He concludes, "This is where I draw the line."
His stern tone fills me with dread.
"I'm making you take a month off."
My heart beats rapidly in my throat and a wave of anxiety twists my chest into knots. What did I do to deserve this? How could he ask that of me? Clearly, I'm contributing value. Doesn't he know what this will do to me? There will be nothing to comfort me if I can't do anything.
I'm barely able to voice the words as I look at him.
"Are you...punishing me?" I whisper.
Shock softens Adam's features. His mouth parts and he shakes his head quickly.
"No! No!" He exclaims, "L...you've helped Firewall a lot. I'm not punishing you! You need a break to take care of yourself. Your health is declining..."
I narrow my eyes, feeling an intense burning in my chest. So I haven't gotten a few nights of sleep...so what? I avert my gaze from Adam and Arabella.
"I don't understand what you're trying to do," I admit, feeling the smallness in my voice.
Arabella lays her hand on mine, "Come with me to the bathroom."
The bathroom? Why would I go with her to the bathroom? Adam offers me his hand with a winning smile.
"Come on."
After working with the two for six months, they still manage to surprise me. I sigh in defeat and take his hand. When he pulls me onto my feet, my legs almost give out underneath my weight. That's strange, I straighten to my full posture, I have no reason not to be able to stand.
I walk toward the bathroom and when I look in the mirror, my stomach twists painfully. A queasiness comes over me as I watch a skeleton stand between Adam and Arabella.
"We're worried about you," Arabella whispers, "You've been consumed with your work and haven't been taking care of yourself."
I ran a hand in the hollow of my cheek. I've always had abnormally bright eyes but now they are dark and void of color. I rotate my arms and legs, feeling sick to my stomach at the amount of muscle I lost in just six months. Surely, I ate...I ate complete and consistent meals...right? The longer I try to remember, the more I realize I'm pulling from my imagination. What I considered meals was a bag of crackers and a few energy drinks a day.
The longer I stand, the more I feel tired of it and want to sit back down. I'm sickly. I'm weak. I hate it.
"You need to take time off to care for yourself," Arabella continues, "We want you to see a doctor and a counselor."
Adam nods in agreement and his kind words strike my heart.
"There's more to life than working, kid. You're human. You've got a soul. You need to care of it, too."
A soul...My gaze lands on the black number four Roman numeral on my neck. The tattoo was part of my initiation into Phantom. It was my group number, a constant reminder of the worst choice I've made in my life.
I lift my hand to the number and drag my fingers heavily across it.
I wish I could erase what I've done. I feel like an empty shell, like there's nothing good inside me. If I have a soul, it's got to be damned for hell.
"I can still see their faces..." I whisper, "...the people I killed and hurt."
Cold tears run down my face as I recount the horrors. I'm shocked to hear myself open up about this.
"That's why I can't sleep or eat," I confess, "I refuse to help myself. I deserve nothing."
There's a heavy silence as Arabella and Adam look directly at me. My chest tightens as I feel their arms wrap around me simultaneously. Arabella's voice is soft and soothing, like calm waves upon a shore.
"Everyone has done terrible things, Logan, whether in their minds or in their hearts. You're no different from us or the rest of the world. We're all guilty of evil."
How could she lump me together with her and Adam? I'm worse, much worse.
Adam nods in agreement, shocking me further.
"You know what you did was wrong. You have to let it go. You know how..."
I swallow hard staring at my reflection. Adam has given me some incites into the Way. A Creator full of love, mercy, and justice taking on my pain and my mistakes? Why would anyone do that? I stare at the cross tattoo on his chest.
Complete love and forgiveness...does it exist? As I stare at the two people beside me in the mirror, a thought unfolds in my mind.
I tried to kill their daughter and they are embracing me right now, wanting me to have life and joy. If they are capable of...loving me...then that is all the proof I need to believe in the supernatural.
I let out a small breath, and the first time, allow myself to feel loved. I slowly wrap my arms around them to return their embrace.
Take it, please. Take everything I've done. I will follow you. I will follow The Way.
The people I've killed, the torture, the emotional turmoil, the hatred toward others and myself... Like wind sweeping away dead leaves, the memories stir within me and their sting and power fade as they are carried off into a vast and open space.
Suddenly, I'm free.
| One year later...|
The bass beats heavily in my earbuds. I feel the music increase the speed and power of my movements. With my feet hooked on the pullup bar, I curl my body up and down. Blood flows to my head and sweat drips down my face.
Holding out my arms, I unhook my feet and land on my palms to do handstand pushups. I smile feeling myself move fluently. I've progressed since my last workout. When I finish my last set, I throw my legs backward and land smoothly on my feet. Adrenaline courses through me as I gaze at myself in the mirror.
There's a fire in my eyes that wasn't there a year ago. I swing my arms around and take in the muscle growth. I lift up my black shirt and grin shamelessly at my six-pack before throwing it down. My hard work is paying off. Content with my progress, I grab my bag and leave the gym.
The air is warm, carrying with it a soft breeze. The sun descends upon the city, painting shades of rose and gold against the skyscrapers. The colors merge as I walk past them, enveloping me in gold and red splashes of light. I feel as though I'm walking through the sun itself, and there's a hop in my step as I stride through bright flowers of flame.
I hum tracing the silver cuff on my left ear. My ear still pulses from the fresh piercing but I can't help but feel thrilled at my new accessory. Another exciting form of self-expression. I ponder the possible outfits and different earring combinations I will try. I do love fashion...
Feeling the icy glares around me, it takes me a moment to realize I've been chuckling this whole time, making the unhappy city folk even more unhappy. They flee from my path in annoyance like cockroaches dispersing when light hits their shells. Is that how I used to look? I laugh harder, amused by their disdain and my past lack of joy in simple things like the sun.
I've come a long way, I realize. That first month of my recovery was one of the most challenging periods of my life. The counseling sessions were crippling. The to-do lists Adam gave me made no sense. I smile remembering the content.
"Get a hobby: Read a book, go on walks, people watch, listen to music.
Meet People: Go to a club, food market, or city square and talk to people. Get to know their names and ask them about things they enjoy. Help strangers and speak with the elderly.
Express yourself: Practice voicing how you feel, even if it's to yourself. If you're happy, smile and laugh. If you're angry or down, remember your coping methods. Find a healthy way to experience the emotions and release them. Try to figure out who you are and what you like. Develop a sense of style and let your natural personality come out."
The concepts were so foreign to me and seemed like a waste of time. It took me a while to realize I could enjoy life and people. I could enjoy being myself.
I shut my eyes feeling the warmth of the sun on my face. Soft music reaches my ears and I slow in my walk. I've arrived at Cloud Noir, my go-to spot for people-watching. The first hobby I tried was people-watching and it is still my favorite thing to do. There is something curious about observing people in their natural state. Watching them exchange words and feel emotions helped me learn to socialize and proved to be very entertaining.
Cloud Noir is a smaller, intimate bar-not crazy and overwhelming like The Helix. I like being in the presence of people but not so many at a time. It's not that I'm nervous, I just don't see how I could connect with all of those people and learn about them, and that's what I desire...connection. That, and I'm curious about people. What are their ambitions and drives? What are their natural tendencies? What makes them smile or laugh? I want to know it all.
I step into the doorway of Cloud Noir and the waitress's face lights up upon my arrival.
"Thought I'd see you soon!" She chirps, "The usual booth?"
She always seems happy...which is odd for a waitress. I wonder what makes her smile so much. As I follow after her through the neon purple-lit room, I glance around and feel more than one female gaze on me. My emotional intelligence gears spin slowly.
Wait a minute...am I attractive? Is that why the waitress smiles like that at me?
I slide into the shadowy purple booth and feel an odd sensation come over me with the waitress's beaming smile and her recollection of my usual drink order.
"Blackberry Mojito?"
Could it be she likes me? She's nice looking with her blonde braid and magenta dress. Should I flirt? Though I don't feel a pull toward her and the idea sounds foreign to me, I can't help but wonder what it's like. I've watched a collection of romance films and read quite a few love stories. I do enjoy them and have wondered how I would act in that situation. From what I've seen, women like confident men and want to be treated with care. Should I try it?
I think I will...
After all, I should practice for the day I meet Raven. After being her invisible bodyguard, I've observed her ways and she has unknowingly won my heart. I aspire to gain her affection and charm her one day.
I smile slowly at the waitress and mirror a pose I've seen in a film, leaning my fist against my chin. I do my best to keep my voice low and gentle.
"You've got a good memory. Do you remember every person's drink?"
She smiles softly, averting my gaze. She looks nervous, I realize. Did I come off too strong?
"O-oh!" She chuckles, "No. You're easy to remember, I guess."
I quickly rack my brain for an answer. This is kind of fun. It's like a game. I get to make my own persona. I could be straightforward or indirect. I could be confident or shy. But what would be natural for me? There are different types of flirting: physical, sincere, polite, traditional, and playful to name a few.
"Am I?" I ask her, feeling my voice trail off.
Interesting. I'm a playful flirt. Dimples form on her cheeks and she glows at my comment.
"Yeah!"
I lean back in my seat as she walks away, pondering my performance. How did I do? Maybe I should ask her. Wait, no. That wouldn't be socially acceptable.
Hearing a click on the table, I look up and find her beaming with my drink. That was fast.
"Here you are!"
Eye contact is supposed to be important in situations like these, right? I take the drink and lock eyes with her.
"Thank you..."
Her eyes widen slightly and she hurries off before I can say anything else. Did I just scare her off? I sigh in defeat, running a hand through my hair. Apparently, I have some work to do.
A familiar laugh reaches my ears and I sit up quickly. Seeing who walks in, my heart leaps in my throat at the long black hair and sky-blue eyes. Raven! Panic hits me when I realize I'm without my mask in her presence. I throw myself to the back of the booth and hide in the dark purple shadows.
With Adam's list of opponents growing longer, he has deemed me Raven's invisible bodyguard, which means I know her schedule inside and out. She's supposed to be working at Helix right now. Did something happen at work? Also, why is she here of all the bars? Her usual spot is on the other side of Karmika.
I can't risk leaving now, she may spot me. I'll have to wait her out.
I slowly reach for my drink, feeling greatly intrigued at this rare opportunity to be in the same room as her. I lay my hand against my neck as I watch her, concealing my flame tattoo. Adam suggested I get it and I was glad to cover up my Phantom tattoo. I love the symbolism of the fire burning away my past life. That, and it reflects so many things-love and my duty to Firewall.
If Raven saw it, it would be a dead giveaway that I'm connected to her. She isn't supposed to know who I am until she joins Firewall.
I can tell she's already drunk as she talks to the bartender. Her speech slurs together and she laughs loudly, something she never does in public. She prefers the shadows, like me. I grin watching her, knowing I'm in for a good show. I've seen her drunk before. It's quite amusing to witness the change in personality.
She shouts at the woman beside her, startling her.
"Do you like my dress?"
I take a closer look at it. The dress is black and asymmetrical, mid-length and single-sleeved. The v-neck split sharply, and with the shiny material giving the dress a wet look, she looks like she's rising out of a black crystal.
It is a most excellent dress.
The woman ignores her and I feel myself frown. I pick up my drink and mutter into my class.
"Yes," I answer for her, "I do."
I shift my gaze off the dress and onto her. The wings on her eyeliner are sharp and black, making her stunning, sky-blue eyes pop. Heat spreads through my chest as I admire her soft, pink lips and wonder how they would feel against mine. My stomach turns at the thought.
Just one touch, just one glance...I long for what I can't have.
She turns to the young man beside her and I freeze holding my glass as she lays her hand on his shoulder. Raven doesn't normally hit on men when she's intoxicated. She must be really drunk.
Is she lonely? I wonder. She hardly ever hangs out with anyone. She must long for a connection.
"I bet you like my dress!" She exclaims.
The man smiles looking down at her and wraps an arm around her waist. My drink slams against the table much louder than I realize. I lay my hand against my burning cheek, feeling an intense urge to throw this stranger into the ground. He knows she's drunk yet, he sees this as an opportunity. Scum bag.
For a year, I've sought Raven's well-being and have gladly protected her life without revealing myself to her. I've gotten into fistfights and gun battles defending her. She can't know who I am, yet I know her. I know her interests, personality, and ambitions. I've learned so much from her without her knowledge, just by observing her. She's inspired me with her kindness for those around her and her determination to apply herself in hacking. She's determined to make a difference and goes out of her way to care for people, even strangers.
If she's lonely, I want to help her. If she's longing for companionship, I would be her friend. If she wants to be loved, I'd enter into a covenant with her and satisfy her longings.
Oh, how I'd satisfy her.
But I can't. I can only look out for her safety, which means I have to stand idly by while some man who doesn't care about her pulls her into his embrace, knowing she's drunk.
She leans toward him for a kiss and I hold my head, feeling helpless and crushed that I can ward off her enemies but do nothing to protect her heart. I look away and clench my fists. My brain pictures their kiss against my will and a ragged breath leaves me.
When the day comes, and I know it will, I'll have the chance to give her that connection. I'll be her friend, someone she can rely on. I'll look out for her and care for her. I'll give her careful attention and affection. I'll make her feel special. If she desires me, I'll be her lover.
A small grin forms on my lips and I chuckle lightly without realizing it.
Oh, Raven...just you wait...