❝Cuz maybe we'll be nothing more than
Just a memory I'll wanna forget.❞
.Round & Round, Avery Lynch.
.Rusalye.
.Part One.
♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪
Kaz hadn't slept that night. He was too busy drowning in his own memories, playing the argument over and over again in his head. How he could of handled it differently. He hated himself for what happened. He was angry at the whole situation of going back to Ketterdam without Alina and he'd took it out on her.
And now look where she was.
Fish food.
Another loved one lost to the fishes.
He could see them both standing side by side in the water, drenched and covered in sea weed. The moon bright behind them and their skin a sickly grey colour. Their clothes were torn and tiny bites dotted their skin, Ambrosia's lipstick was smudged to look like blood dripping from her mouth and Jordie had firepox all over his face.
"This is your fault, brother." He knew that. "One by one we're being picked off. What is the worth of your life, if you have no one left to fight for?"
Kaz wanted her to speak, he wanted to hear her voice. He wanted her. But almost as if she knew that, Ambrosia stayed quiet - prolonging his torture.
And oh what a painful torture it was.
♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪
Inej walked into the diner and scanned the room until she spotted the familiar silhouette of a Zemini boy against the morning light shining through the window of the booth he was sitting in. Jesper hummed as he swallowed his drink when Inej sat down in front of him, "started to wonder if I had the wrong time or place."
"This is where Kaz left word to meet." Inej looked around briefly, keeping her voice at a hush. "So you know, it's worse today."
"Worse how?" Jesper's face contorted as he gestured to himself, "we had to sleep on that novice's floor. This body deserves a proper bed."
"Word is we also killed a constable."
"What?" Jesper shook his head, totally baffled, "I have so many questions. How? Why? Who? Where? When? I guess..." He lifted his mug to his lips, "yeah I guess that's all of them."
"Last night, after you escaped the wagon. Constable Sem was his name. Shot with his own weapon. Stadwatch are shaking down every informat they know."
"I would never shoot someone with their own gun." Jesper leaned back in the chair. "Besides, that's not even good frame-up."
Inej reached for the water jug and poured herself a glass, only looking up when Jesper asked, "have you seen him today?"
Inej put the water jug down, "avoiding questions, I suspect.
"Yeah from both of us. Blowing up the Crow Club..."
"Makes you wonder what else he's willing to destroy."
Jesper sighed, "he's not doing great, is he? With her I mean."
"Do you blame him?" Inej's face went solemn but she didn't think she could cry over the girl anymore. "We've all took a hit."
"I know but you know, they've known each other for what?" Tears welled up in Jesper's eyes, "almost a decade? At this rate he'll join her."
"Or find himself locked up in Hellgate in the process."
"Do you think that's his plan? A suicide mission I mean." He wiped his eyes, "what if they had a death pact? What do we really know? He doesn't tell us anything."
Their conversation was cut short when Kaz, Nina and Wylan joined them in the booth.
♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪
"Ambrose?" A voice sounded from the darkness.
Ambrosia pushed herself up against the bars,"Kaz-"
Kaz reached his gloved hand through the bars towards her face, she expected him to grab her neck or by scruff of her shirt - she waited for the harsh contact with closed eyes. But instead, he rested his hand on her cheek. She was stunned. Why was he being so gentle with her? She sunk into his touch for a moment before her eyes snapped open.
She stepped away from him. "No," there were tears in her eyes, "you've got to right to do that."
"Do what?"
"Touch me like that and act like everything is okay." She took another step back into the darkness, "you're the reason I'm here, Kaz."
Kaz shook his head, "I'm not Ambrose, I would never. Not you."
"Then why am I here?"
"I don't know."
Ambrosia scoffed.
"I don't, Ambrose please. Everyone misses you, I'd never put you here."
"Everyone misses me? Does that include you?"
Kaz nodded, "of course I miss you. I'm a wreck without you."
She stepped towards the bars again, "I'm sorry."
"Why?"
"For leaving you, alone."
"You had your reason," he nodded.
Kaz reached for her cheek again and time she didn't freeze, she leaned into his touch. "Come home."
"I want to."
"Please," his voice cracked, "I need you."
"I know," she whispered.
"I want you," the way Kaz whispered was like something she'd never heard before, "to come home."
Ambrosia couldn't ignore the light shaking motion anymore, she allowed herself to wake.
"You alright?" Aleksandra asked, "you missed an explosion last night."
"An explosion?" Ambrosia sat up in the bed, surely she would of heard an explosion.
Aleksandra hummed as she put a plate on Ambrosia's bed, "in Ketterdam, lit up the sky line."
Ambrosia looked up at the tiny barred window, she wondered what had caused it but she knew it had to do with a certain Kaz Brekker. She could feel it. She picked up the plate with one hand and held a lobster claw in her hand, the meat didn't look appetising.
"Don't eat the lobster, it's churned." Aleksandra sat back down on her bed, "they get it from the markets for free so that was long dead before it was boiled."
Ambrosia put the claw down.
Aleksandra pulled one of the water buckets over to the middle of them and dipped the bread into it. "Water adds more flavour," she shook it and water droplets flew off, "also softens it up. Unless you want to break your teeth."
Ambrosia picked up the bread and the smell made her put it back down, "on second thoughts, I'm not that hungry."
"You'll regret that, trust me." Aleksandra told her, "they feed the animals more than us."
Ambrosia copied the blonde's actions with the bread before biting into it, she gagged and Aleksandra chuckled softly. "You'll get used to that. It's not great I know but it's better than nothing. You'll need all the strength you can get here."
She begrudgingly finished the bread.
♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪
Kaz was standing on the edge of the roof staring over at the smoke still rising from where the Crow Club once settled. He looked down at the bustling city goers beneath him, one step and he'd see her again. She'd kill him for it, he knew that. What about Jesper and Inej? she'd say Nina and Wylan? You've got them in this mess won't be fair to leave them to battle through it alone.
Kaz sensed her behind him, Inej.
He turned his head for a brief moment before returning his stare to the skyline, "what did you find?"
"There's a doorman even after hours, and a pair of roving guards in the halls." She told him, remaining several feet away from his dark figure. "But I can get you through a window if Nina watches the front."
"If this goes sideways, tell the others to regroup at Black Veil."
"We're all struggling with her death Kaz," Inej's voice turned to a whisper, "you're not by yourself in this."
Kaz rolled his shoulders, his glare went sour.
"How do we even know she's dead? We never saw her. For all we know she could've swam ashore somewhere and is trying to find us."
"Like I've told you before, Inej," he snapped, "hope is dangerous. It clouds your judgement. She isn't coming back, the quicker you accept that the better."
Inej scoffed, "like you have?"
"I have accepted it. I know there's no way we'll see her again." He turned his head again for a moment. "Get the Heartrender, we leave in ten."
Inej stood up straighter, "no."
Now Kaz turned to face her properly, challenging her argument.
"Not until you tell me what happened between you two and Pekka."
Kaz turned away from her, "all you need to know is that I have a reason."
"There's enough secrecy in this crew as is."
"Secrecy is the only way to survive the Barrel, Inej. Why do you think Ambrosia faced the fate she has?"
"So keeping me in the dark is about survival?"
"Now you're getting it."
Inej hummed, not yet pleased with the response she was getting, "my survival or yours?"
When Kaz didn't say anything she spoke again, "truth is the other side of secrecy, Kaz. Remember that.
With that she left him to dwell in silence on the roof staring up at the stars.
♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪
Ambrosia was standing by the small window gazing up at the stars and humming a small tune. She had mixed feelings and different theories. Her heart was pulled two ways, her moral and loyalty towards Kaz and then the thought that he would do anything for kruge.
Kaz is cold-hearted, ruthless, and well-known for being willing to do any job, no matter the danger or violence involved, so as long as it will make him a good deal of money. This trait and his various egregious actions had earned him the nickname "Dirtyhands", a reputation he drew upon to intimidate his opponents. Kaz is manipulative and conniving and makes sure to always be the person in control of the situation. For this reason, Ambrosia had doubt if how much she actually meant to him as a friend more than just a thing to make him money.
He always did discourage trust and was willing to exploit almost anyone for his own gain.
But deep down, Kaz Brekker was also the Kaz Rietveld she first met. The one that would sit on her bed listening to her rant about her dad, watch the stars with her from rooftops, stand by her side through everything and always kept his loyalty for her no matter where they were in terms of distance.
"Who's Kaz?" Aleksandra asked from where she leant arms crossed against the door.
Ambrosia turned to her rather abruptly, "what?"
"Who's Kaz? You say his name a lot in your sleep," the blonde shrugged, "is he a lover?"
Ambrosia folded her arms across her chest and slowly turned to face the window again, "old close friend."
"Anything more?"
"You're from the Barrel aren't you?"
"Yeah, I don't see how that has any relation to this."
His name left her lips like it was something she'd been so desperately wanting to say allowed for years, "Brekker."
"What?"
"Kaz Brekker," Ambrosia turned towards the other girl again.
"Kaz Brekker?" Aleksandra raised an eyebrow, "no way, your lover is that psychopath?"
"We're not-"
Aleksandra smirked, pushing off the door, "you sure say his name a lot then."
"Kaz Brekker is not my lover Alek."
"You keep telling yourself that," the blonde winked and watched as the other girl tried her best to protest. "He's not."
"Sure..." The girl sneered, "I know someone in love when I see it."
"I'm not- we're friends," she then tilted her head, thinking over what she was saying, "I think."
"You think?"
Ambrosia sighed, "I think he's the reason I'm here. I left him a few years back and never told him why. We were arguing because he wanted to know and I told him before I left the room. I think he told an officer."
"You think?" The girl repeated, she knew if you'd earned Dirtyhands' loyalty and trust he wasn't likely to break it. Ambrosia's whole idea of her friend's current situation was built on overthinking - she couldn't blame her though not with his dark reputation.
"He'll do anything for money, there was probably a bounty on my head for it."
"Do you think he'd do that to you?" She tilted her head, "does he care about you?"
Ambrosia nodded, "I think so."
"More than a gang member?"
She shrugged.
"How many times has he tried to keep you safe?"
"Multiple."
"Does he act the same way with you as he does others?"
"No."
"Do you think he'd do that to you?"
"No. He wouldn't," the realisation then hit her, "he wouldn't trade me in for anything."
"There you go," the shorter girl smiled triumphantly.
"Then where is he?"
"How do you know that he knows where you are? You said yourself that you left him, for all he knows you've run off."
"We were on a boat."
"Now that is a question." Aleksandra sighed, "I don't know where he is Amb, but I doubt he's the reason you're here and deep down I think you agree."
♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪
"Oh," Pekka shot Kaz a sour smile as he twirled his gun around in his hand "and I got my men to lay a trap for your gunslinger."
Kaz stood silently taking in his words, his crew had been knocked down one by one.
"Now for your little legend, that was a little more complicated but I'll be surprised if her hiding position keeps her hidden for much longer."
Kaz's jutted to the side slightly before he straightened, "that's a lie. She's dead." The words felt strange to say or even hear out loud - no one had actually spoken the words.
Pekka laughed, "I know, I heard. I just wanted to hear you say it."
Kaz bit his tongue and loosened his grip on his cane in an attempt to stop himself from clearing this man of a head.
"Clean sweep, Brekker." Pekka smiled again with much taunt, "all that will be left is my little spider back in her cage."
♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪
It's half term so I thought I'd throw in a chapter for you all seen as I'm being allowed a short four day break from heavy revision - I recommend you guys take a break from yours too.
I'm seeing the Arctic Monkeys next week🤭 genuinely cannot wait
Hope everyone's doing okay, I'll see you all again shortly.
With love,
~ Erika