The next morning when I walked inside school to grab an early breakfast, I saw Alex leaning on a wall, with his earphones on. He looked in his own world and out of sorts. Like he was in a bad mood. I go straight for him, forgetting all about my food.
"Hey why do you look so sad?" I asked when he took his earphone out. Throughout the time I've gotten to know Alex, I grew accustomed to his mood swings. He was really quiet one day and then happy and outgoing the next. It depended on the day. Usually when he was in a mood, he'd ditch classes and go smoke somewhere with his friends.
He shook his head. "It's nothing. Hey, you wanna ditch today?" He asked with pleading eyes. This was one of his bad days.
"Sure, let's do it." I answer with no hesitation. I couldn't say no to him.
After grabbing a few breakfast sandwiches to go, we left for the view that Kimmy and I were hanging out at that one time. It was a place we'd go to talk about anything with no judgments and now it's a place for Alex and I. With school in session, we had the place to ourselves, and I was secretly loving our alone time.
We sat on the table closest to the ledge and watched the view in silence. Whatever was going on in his head must have been weighing on him heavily. I didn't know how to comfort him. Alex and I flirted all the time so this would be my first time getting to know the real guy.
"Are you okay?" I finally say after a very long 5 minutes of silence.
He stares off for a while, not answering. Whatever he was thinking about caused him to be short of words. "My mom visited me yesterday; she's been in and out of jail and can't get custody of me. She told me yesterday she's moving to Colorado." I listen to him go on. "I was always hoping she'd get her shit together so she can get me out of the group home but she's officially giving up. CPS won't give me to her if she has no job and no home."
"I'm sure she tried her hardest."
"Has she though? I've been in foster care my whole life because she can't get it together. But I've always waited because she's my mom. I wish she wasn't giving up." Alex really was going through a lot like Kimmy had told me a while ago. I had no idea what foster care was like or how it was affecting him. How can a child live like that? Without parents. Even though I had my issues with my mom, I'd hate to be living somewhere without her.
"What's foster care like?" I ask.
He sighs and looks down. "It's a lot of moving around and never knowing if people really care about you or if you're just a check to them." That sounded awful. I couldn't imagine having people around me that I couldn't trust. "It's being with people you don't know and calling them family." He continued. But if you're always moving around, are they really your family or just people you meet on the way?
"I didn't know you were going through this much."
"I don't like to bring down the group with my sad life. No one likes a burden." He was really opening up to me.
"I don't think it's a burden. I think I like you more now knowing you're not like everyone else." I say looking at him while he stares at the floor.
"What about you Millie? What's your life?" He asked, looking to his right to meet my eyes. I felt uncomfortable sharing myself with him, what if he found me too damaged and unworthy?
"I felt like a burden to my mom. She can be a lot." I don't think I'm ready to open up just yet, I don't want to scare him off. Talking about my mom was a huge wall of mine.
He chuckles. "Yeah, your mom's kind of scary, not going to lie. She kept giving me dirty looks."
"Probably because you remind her of my dad. She doesn't want me near any boys."
Alex nods his head. "At least your mom cares." If only he knew the half of it.
Moving closer to him, I give his arm a tight hug.
"I'm sorry about your mom."
"It's fine. I'll be 18 soon. I can find a job and get my own place." There is still another year for us in high school for him to figure it all out.
"Kim and I want to move far away from our parents. Maybe you can come with us?" I offered, looking up at him. He gives me a warm smile.
"You'd do that for me?"
"Of course. I'd do anything for my friends." Alex drops his head at my statement. I didn't mean it to sound like a friend zone, but he took it that way.
"Thanks Millie. I appreciate you listening. Usually, I have no one to talk to, or I talk to Kim. It's nice to have you around." My heart burns. He loved having me around.
"I love having you guys."
Alex looks deep into my eyes. "You fit right into our group. Like a missing puzzle piece. I just wish we would've met you sooner." I laugh. I wished the same thing. Having a tight friend group was rare and special. Nothing could ruin this.
"Can you imagine what it would've been like if I met you guys in middle school?" I joke.
He brushes the hair out of my face. "I bet you had all the boys chasing after you." False. I had no boys chasing after me, not even one. Although I do wonder now how it would have been like if I was friends with them. The old me would've been in love with Alex.
Every time he'd pass me in the halls, I would hide my face so he wouldn't see me blush and if we hung out at middle school parties, I'd stare at him all night. Kimmy would try to get us together by playing spin the bottle, where he would probably reject me and say I was just his friend. Marco and I would probably get along great because we both loved to talk shit and Cam and I would be attached at the hip because we are both dorky.
"Yeah. They all loved me." I lied. We sat in silence a while longer enjoying the morning breeze. It was nice to not have to think about anything but the wind blowing and the birds chirping.
Alex pulls out a joint and lights it. He takes a puff and hands it to me, I take mine as well.
"Wanna go to the skatepark?" He broke the silence. He had his board with him wherever he went.
"Hell yes!" Watching him skate sounded like a dream. I get up quickly and freeze when I feel something on my butt. When I look behind me it's gum sitting at the bottom of my skirt.
Alex began to laugh like a hyena. "Omg Alex! Why didn't you tell me I was sitting on gum!" I push his chest back hard.
"I didn't know! Oh Mills here!" He takes his hoodie and wraps it around my waist.
"I'm not going anywhere like this. Let's make a pitstop at my house so I can change." He nods his head still laughing.
My mom was at work by this time so we walked right in and straight to my room so I could change my clothes. Having a boy over was new to me, I felt like I was breaking the law. And to make matters worse I thought about having Alex in my room countless times. I wanted us to be fast just in case my mom made a surprise visit. If she caught me with a boy in my room, she'd quite literally kill me.
I quickly ran inside my bathroom in the hall to change into leggings and left Alex unattended in my room. When I finished, I headed back to him to see he was admiring my desk. It had usual things, like schoolbooks, makeup and an old laptop.
His hands grazed the table and stopped when he noticed a book in particular. My journal. Oh no. I run at him to grab it but he picks it up and raises it above his head.
"Is this your diary?" He smirked down at me.
"No! Give it back!" I try to grab it, but he moves in the opposite direction.
"Why? Am I in it?" He flirted.
"Ha Ha. You wish now to give it back." His hand falls, giving me my journal back. I snatch it and throw it in my dresser.
Alex gives me a once over, at my new outfit. "You look hot, are you trying to bed me Millie?" I was wearing a crop top and low-rise leggings. My belly piercing is on full display, just for him.
I blushed and Alex laughed. "Put that in your diary."
"Shut up!"
Truth was, he was in my diary. A lot. All about how I wanted to jump his bones and how hot made me feel whenever he was near me. How badly I thought about sleeping with him and having my way.
But Cam was also in it too. I had written all about the crush I had on him, how good he smelled, how funny and charming he is and how he has the cutest dimples.
My plan about sleeping around to get revenge on all the boys was in it as well. So no, I couldn't let him read it.
"You know.. I kind of don't want to go to the skatepark anymore...not with you looking like that." He slowly walks over to me, closing the gap. I can't breathe now. My fake confidence disappeared, and I felt vulnerable. Like the girl I was a year ago who didn't know how to talk to boys. His hands find themselves on my hips. The notorious bad boy, Alex, was alone with me in my room.
"I can't get anything done with your blue eyes staring at me but somehow I manage." I replied. Yeah, I was gone. The moment was taking me along with his presence. I've wanted Alex in my bedroom since the day I met him, and he was finally here. And he wanted me too.
"You dress like this to tease me, don't you? To get every guy to stare at you." My outfit was doing things to him. I had done it on purpose, I know guys love the way a girl's ass looks in leggings.
"Or maybe I like to dress like this." I admit I did like dressing for the male gaze, but I also did it for me. My belly ring was my favorite thing to show off.
"When I met you. All I wanted to do was fuck you. But now, I like you and I want to see where we can go." I'm blushing. Shit. This can't happen. Not like this at least. Not in my room with my mom at work. What if she walked in on us?
"Alex, I don't want to mess up a good thing. I like our friend group." I say, backtracking.
He rests his forehead on mine.
"What if we made it better? Don't be so pessimistic." Why is he so persistent? I look down at my fingers that I'm fidgeting with.
"Are you like the rest of them? Like Danny and Ryan?" If I was going to consider Alex, like really consider him, I had to know if he was worth it. Every guy I've ever known, turned out to be an ass. I don't want to open myself up to the possibility of a boy unless I trust him. I can't afford to get my fragile heart broken. How do I know if he's worth my time and not like the rest?
He lifts up my chin. "I'm nothing like those idiots."
"How do you treat the girls you sleep with?" I want to grill him. The way he treats girls will tell me everything I need to know or at least half.
"Like queens." I push him off.
"Alex, I'm being serious." If we were going to cross that line from friends to whatever else. I had to know he wasn't going to break my heart, otherwise what was the point of messing up everything.
"Really?" He laughs. My face doesn't change.
Taking in my current state of mind, Alex sits down on my bed and pats the side next to him for me to sit down.
"Why do you want to know how I treat girls?" He asked when I sat down.
"Because guys treat them like crap, and I want to know if you're one of the good ones or not."
He laughs. "Haven't I proved that already? I've respected your wish to stay friends, I kicked James's ass, I crashed your date with Danny." Those were all amazing things that he did, and it was why I liked him more and more every day. But he was still Alex Lopez, the man whore. How could I ever trust him from his history?
"Crashing a date isn't that noble." I crossed my arms smiling.
"It felt pretty noble."
His knuckles took my focus, when I noticed the scarring.
"I thought it was so hot when you fought him." I say touching his hand. His eyes were staring at our hands. My finger dances around his, then slides up his arm. Having him on my bed and so close to me made me forget everything I was worrying about. Alex is so damn sexy. His eyes, the way his lips curl when he has a dirty thought, and his rough hands any girl would want rubbing on them.
"Can I ask you something?" He says in a low voice.
"Yeah." I whisper, leaning my head in. Screw it. I'll give into this. Why was I depriving myself from a boy I liked. All I've wanted to do since I met him was to kiss him so why not do it now while we're alone. I don't care anymore, I want him.
"Are you into Cam?" I pull my head back. Where was this coming from? Why is he asking if I'm into Cam? I shake my head at him.
"No, why?"
"Never mind no reason. Forget it."
"Alex." I say bluntly. I wanted an answer.
"I saw you two hugging when I was kicking James' ass. It looked intimate." Oh. I didn't think about the way it looked.
"Cam and I are friends. I was having a hard day and he comforted me that's all."
"I wouldn't blame you if you are into him." He tells me. "Every girl at school has a crush on him, he's the charmer." From what I've learned about the boys, I knew every girl did in fact like Alex and Cam but for very different reasons. Alex is the mysterious bad boy you have dirty dreams about late at night and Cam is the guy you take home to meet the parents.
"I don't see him in that way." I lied. Technically it was half true because all I have is a tiny crush not a full one. It only really ever comes out when he says sweet things to me but other than that, it's nonexistent.
Alex gave me a reassuring smile. "Good."
His head leans down and our lips meet. Finally. We were finally kissing. It felt like fireworks went off behind us with the electricity that was created between us. He tasted like mint gum. I want to laugh; he must have chewed a gum when I was in the bathroom. How adorable.
This was my first real kiss. One where we equally wanted each other and there was no hidden motive. I've grown to like Alex so much this past month together and the harder I tried to get away from him, the more he wanted me. We were bound to happen, it was inevitable.
"You're so beautiful Millie." He pulls away with one hand on my cheek. Did he really mean it? "I want to know all of you." He rasps. "I know you have a guard up and I do too. But I want you to take yours down for me."
Was he being serious? Since when was Alex the sweet and sensitive type? "I don't trust easy." I reply, still rubbing my hand on his leg.
"I know but you can trust me. You can tell me things. Ever since I met you, I noticed how different you are. I love it." Does he mean these things or is he just saying it to get inside my pants?
"God Alex shut up." I grab his face back, this time sticking my tongue inside his mouth. It was getting way too mushy for my liking and I just wanted to get back on track. Kissing my bad boy. Having him felt like I won the lottery. My mouth began to wander down to his neck, giving more wet kisses.
His hands roam my body, down to my thighs. Did he want to have sex? Should I sleep with him? My mind was a mess. It was hard to focus with his tongue in my mouth and his hands rubbing my body.
My hands find their way up his shirt to feel his abs. Oh wow, rock hard. This moment felt unreal. How did I manage to get Alex to like me this much? His hand reaches up to cup my breast and my mind immediately returns back to reality.
No, we can't. I pulled away from his embrace.
"Alex." I breathed out. We had been making out for almost 10 minutes.
"Aw no Millie don't say whatever you're going to say. Don't ruin this." He pouted.
"We can't happen. Not until I know you're worth my time." He gives me a look, like I took away his favorite toy.
"You say you don't understand me. But I really don't understand you. You went out with two guys you didn't even like, but you won't even consider me?"
"It's complicated. I just don't want to mess us up unless I know it's worth it. Until I really get to know you." There was no point in sleeping with him to mess up the group unless we were taking the relationship seriously. Not just casual sex but something more than that.
He looks down in despair. "I want to actually get to know you too." Alex laughs. "Man, this is the first time I actually want this."
Was I changing the bad boy? There's no way. "I don't want to ruin our group." I say with hesitation.
"Do you care about your friendships that much?" He looks at me with suspension.
It was about how I had a plan to sleep with boys and break their hearts. If I slept with Alex then my plan would go out the window. It wouldn't matter anymore. Because my focus would be with him. I wasn't going to treat Alex the way I treated the other guys. If we slept together then all my eggs would be in his basket.
"My heart is fragile Alex."
"I'm beginning to realize that. Maybe you're right. Let's cool off and figure out what we are. But I think I already know my answer, so I'll be waiting for yours." What was his answer? Does he want to date me?
"Okay." I blushed. He leans in and gives me one last kiss for added pressure.
"Man, I really wanted to bang you though."
"Me too." I smile within the kiss.
I hear a car door. No. Please tell me that's not who I think it is. I jump up to look outside my window and its mom. She came home early. Why is she home early? I really had the worst luck ever.
"Alex, get out right now." I say getting up and grabbing his arm.
"What why?"
"My mom's home she's going to kill me. And murder you." I pull him out through the hall and run for the back door.
The front door opens simultaneously.
"Millie? What in god's name are you doing home?" My mother snaps. Her voice was cold and frigid. A voice I've heard once before, when I came home late.
"Mom. Um. I came home sick, and Alex was just dropping off medicine. He's leaving now." I stumble over my words, shaking with fear.
She slams the door and Alex stands still next to me. Even he looked a little scared. My mother was the absolute last person you wanted to make mad. It's why Priscella acted so perfect.
"Why are you taking him through the back door?" She throws her purse and keys on the coffee table.
"I know you don't want boys over. But he was only here for 2 seconds I swear."
"Do you think I'm an idiot? You're alone in this house with a boy." I needed to calm her down somehow. Alex had to seem non-threatening, maybe then she'd be okay with him being around me.
I walk over to the living room and Alex follows.
"Ms. Gomez, I swear I just got here." Alex speaks. My mom cocks her head at him and crosses her arms.
"Show me the medicine you brought her." Oh crap.
"I already took it and threw it away." I answer. She lets out a mean chuckle.
"You've never been a good liar, Millie."
She gives Alex a hard glare. The vein on her forehead pops up.
"Millie is not allowed to date. And even if she was, I would have to approve of the boy." She pauses. "I will never approve of you." I knew she wouldn't. It was no shocker to me.
"Why not?" Alex asked. I wish he'd stop talking.
"I know your type. I married your type. I won't have Millie ruin her life over a boy."
Alex is about to say something else, but I speak over him. I need this to be over before it gets worse.
"Mom, we're just friends." She moves her body over from blocking the front door.
"You can go now Alex. And you're banned from ever coming back. Do I make myself clear?"
He nods his head. "Yes ma'am. I'll see you tomorrow, Millie." He goes out the door and now I'm stuck alone with her. My day went amazing to sucking in the matter of minutes. Why does she ruin everything?
Mom moves past me, going straight for my room in a hurry. I chase after her.
"What are you doing?" I say, standing at the doorway.
"Where is it?" She looks in my trash can, then my dresser, then my bed.
"Where is what?"
"The condoms Millie. Where are they?"
I go to block my dresser; I don't want her getting any ideas about my journal.
"Mom, I told you we're just friends I wasn't having sex with him. And I sure as hell wouldn't do it here." I was smarter than that. There was no way I'd ever get away with it, mom was always in my business.
"You expect me to believe you had a boy over and you two weren't having sex? I know boys like him. I bet he has tons of girls at his disposal. Do you really want to add yourself to that roster?"
Her words made me reevaluate my decisions to give Alex a chance. He did have lots of girls who wanted to sleep with him, and he has slept with most of them. Did I want to be just another number? This was why I wanted to know if I could trust him first.
"Mom, I'm not you. I don't sleep around with a bunch of boys, and I didn't sleep with him." I've heard the stories of my mother when she was in high school. She had lots of sex and even got herself a bad boy, my father but I was nothing like her. I just looked like her.
She lets out a small chuckle. "You have a boy over when no one is home. You are exactly like me."
"We didn't have sex!" I raise my voice because she's pissing me off. I am nothing like her.
"And the other boy?" She cocks her eyebrow. She's referring to Cam. "Are you using condoms with him?"
Seriously? "Mom, omg. He has a girlfriend." I say with an attitude. "Why do you think I'm fucking my friends? Is that what you did?"
Mom stays quiet. She did, didn't she? It was written all over her face the way it fell when I asked my question.
She stops what she's doing and calms down a little.
"Why must you constantly drive me insane Millie?"
"I haven't done anything. You create these problems; how come you don't do this to Priscella?"
She shakes her head in distress. "You know why. I have to protect you. Priscella doesn't need protection."
"I don't need protection; I can take care of myself!" I'm so tired of her saying I need to be protected. She just wants to control me and make sure I don't make the same mistakes she did.
"Millie, I am trying here! Stop pushing me away!" Oh, for God sakes. I walk away back to the living room now because she's pissing me off.
"You never cared before, don't act like you care now." I spit, the house is too small, I have nowhere to go but the kitchen.
"I am trying to make up for it. You may think it's overbearing but I am your mother."
"You have to let me make my own choices and trust me! You're just going to drive me away."
She stands in the hall in defeat, slumping her shoulders down.
"You're right." Did she just agree with me?
Putting her hand on her forehead to massage her headache she groans. "I'm just scared okay. You look just like I did when I was your age. I worry you're doing the same things I did. I know you get a lot of attention from boys, and I'm worried they'll take advantage of you. But you're smarter than me. You've always been smart, even if you don't apply yourself at school."
"Thanks for the tutoring by the way." I say with sarcasm and attitude.
She ignores me. "I may consider letting you date if I can approve of the boy and he asks for permission to date you."
"Even if it's Alex?" I bargain.
She gives me a look. "That boy is trouble. I don't like him."
"He's not that bad."
Mom leaves me alone so she can shower. Somehow, I had gotten off easy. Maybe mom was finally going to treat me better and not like a criminal.
Now that I had time to think, I thought about my day with Alex. He had finally opened up to me and I feel like I really got to know the real him. Not the famous man whore but the sad foster kid who felt like a burden.
It's probably why he would get quiet a lot or why he was in moods most of the time. And he told Kimmy all this stuff because he trusted her and now, he trusts me. That made me feel special.
Should I give him a chance? I mean we had things in common and we got along great. We're both sexually attracted to each other, and we've never been in a relationship, so it'd be new to the both of us.
I'd have to really consider this because if I wanted to give him a chance then I'd have to drop the revenge plan altogether. Was I ready to do that? The revenge plan was all I had, what would I be without it? Just a broken girl afraid of getting hurt.