ZAAIN
9140 Norum Rd, Delta, BC V4C 3J1
3:54 am
13th of October 2019
"I'm really tired, okay? I'm tired of tip-toeing around my mom, I'm tired of the stupid rules and regulations. I want something real! I want something that I can actually talk to other people about."
My eyes begin to smart with tears, "We have something good going here. Don't you think so, Miss Selassie?"
"Enough with the stupid fucking formalities! Call me by my first name! "Say it! Please, please just say it. It drives me insane when you call me Ms. Selassie. It quite literally churns my stomach."
I look into her eyes. They're so deep for others but they're so empty for me,"But... the rules. You said-"
"Fuck the rules! Fuck them! You know what?" she opens a drawer, then another and fishes out our agreement, "Fuck this goddamn piece of paper." she throws it flagrantly into the open fire of the fireplace.
"What are you doing?" I exclaim. I grab the fire poker and fish it out, blowing the nascent flames off as if it were a marshmallow over a campfire.
"Are you fucking serious right now? You saved a goddamn piece of paper so you wouldn't have to say my name? What the actual fuck is wrong with you?"
Her careless tone and lack of understanding alone could make me weep, "It's not the fucking paper, it's us. That paper is the only insurance I have to stay with you. When I follow the rules, you stay with me, you love me... you want me when I follow them."
"And what if I don't want you anymore?"
I feel like I've taken a blow directly to my windpipe, "What?" it comes out warbly and distorted and I hate how weak I sound.
"I don't think I can do this anymore. This has gotten way out of both of our hands."
"You're joking...tell me you are joking!"
"Zaain, don't-"
I take a deep breath to calm myself before continuing,"You- you made me into this—this groveling, worthless shell of a man. You molded me into what you wanted me to be. Who will love me now if not you?"
She looked at me with such pity and I fucking hated it. She looked at me like something that could be loved but that she could never be in love with. "You're a smart man, Zaain. I'm sure you'll figure it out."
She's so careless! How can she be so careless now? Did she change or has she always been like this. I don't want to believe the latter but I'm almost left with no choice.
"Why are you throwing me out as if I was the problem, as if I was the catalyst that tore us apart. Yes, I've made mistakes, I know that, but I also try to fix them– rectify them." My breath caught in my chest and my throat closed,"Who are you?" I whispered, "What are you? Did you ever even love me?"
She shook her head at me, "I'm not doing this. You need to go."
I don't recognize this cold girl in front of me. She's a stranger, an indifferent stranger. Nonetheless, I take her hand in mine and look her in the eyes, "Ornella...my Ornella." I cup her hand to my cheek and a lone tear of mine rolls down her palm, "I did so much for you. I want to be so much with you. I have so many plans. Real plans. Please, don't hurt me anymore."
She wrenches her hand away and opens the door, "Leave, Zaain."
The gaping space of the door is reminiscent of the chasm I felt in my chest. Out of a moment of irrational desperation, I grab her by the arms and pull her in, "Was what I did so bad?" she looks up at me innocently with puddles for eyes and for a split second we click and I see her reconsider, flipping through a possible alternative scenario.
But she quickly looks away, "Let go of me."
But, I don't; I can't, "Answer me! I don't understand why we can't work through this. I don't want to revisit our past but quite frankly, you've done worse."
She drew in a heavy, painful breath and firmly demanded, "Get out of my face, get out of my house, get out of my life! I don't ever want to see you again, I mean it."
I looked at her. I just looked. There was nothing to say. Her words sounded muffled and felt like water in my ears. The water travels and spills out of my eyes and rains down my cheeks.
A drop even falls on my lips and I taste the bitterness of my own sorrow.
"Please don't make me do this. Don't make me live a life where I never know anything about you again. I can't, I can't," my voice breaks pitifully and a part of me is embarrassed and the other part hopes that she will pity me and take me up in her arms and let me weep bitterly over the ball of her shoulder.
"You can, and you will." she asserted, motioning through the door. Her tone was so cold, so hopelessly frigid that it made me wonder if she had ever even felt anything for me at all. I needed to know.
I know, it's stupid. I look like a fool, an absolute fool but she's made me into this self-piteous puddle and at this point I am programmed to beg on my hands and knees and kiss her feet for the measly scraps of her love.
I take her wrists into my hands and try to make her feel me through my pulse, "Please." I sound so small, so feeble.
What even is dignity?
"Don't you see that you're hurting me, Zaain?"
I don't try to! I'm always so gentle with your feelings, even in my most desperate times. How can I make you understand that if not by my actions? Words are never enough.
I tie my arms around her body, and hold her close so that she can feel how hard my heart thumps for hers, "What I did was bad, I know it was bad, I was wrong, I was reckless and you can hate me, you can call me whatever name you'd like and you would be justified."
"Stop, you're crushing me." her voice is hoarse as a whisper and she starts to cry.
I cry with her, "I'm too much sometimes, I know! My emotions can be bigger than me, but what can I do about it? Tell me, sweet Ornella. What can I do?"
"Let me... go." she looks at me with a desperate, pained expression and it's in that instant that I realize that I've practically been squeezing her like a boa constrictor and I release her at once, "Ornella! I'm so sorry."
She heaves in a breath and massages the red bands around her wrists.
I hurt her...How did I do that? How did I get so careless? I'm unregulated. I can't remember how to control myself.
"Ornella, I didn't mean-" I reached for her impulsively, but my consoling hand might as well have been a buboe-ridden claw to her, for she recoiled as if it were riddled with leprosy from the wrist up.
"Get out!" she cries, "Get out! Get out!" she breathes quickly and heavily as if she's on the ebb of a panic attack.
At that point I knew that there was absolutely nothing that I could do or say to console her. Although I want to stay so badly to at least calm her down and make sure she's okay.
"I'm going, I'm so sorry." I walk out of her bedroom and go down the stairs until I hear the front door slam closed and I freeze.
Her mother is home. Just my fucking luck.
I turn around and Ornella is frantically signaling for me to come back. Only if you were signaling for me to come into your arms. I hike back up the stairs as quietly as I can manage and we return to her bedroom.
"Fuck, she wasn't supposed to be back so early. Okay, you can leave out the window."
"I have to go right now? Can't I just wait here for a little while until she goes to her room?"
"Are you fucking stupid?" Ouch. She opened the window,"Get out"
I don't even bother arguing and head out the window. Before making my descent I looked up at her, "Good night, Ornella. I'm so sorry for everything. I hope when you calm down that we can talk."
She looked at me blankly, "Read my lips: I never want to see you again."
I nodded my head as my eyes began to prickle with tears. I lowered my body and stepped over until I found my footing on the broad stone wall that separated Selassie's house from the neighbors and as soon as I let go of the window sill, Ornella swiftly closed the window and drew the curtains.
Don't cry. Don't cry. Do not cry.
I hopped down from the wall and as soon as my feet met the ground I heard from behind me, "Leaving already, Kazem?"