Someone's rubbing her back.
There's gentle pressure on her spine. Y/n sighs as she slowly starts to wake up, arching her back to get more of the soothing motions.
She groans, pressing her face into the pillow before she forces herself to blink her eyes open. Sana has her eyes closed, breathing deeply, and if it wasn't for the massage she's giving Y/n, she'd think Sana was still asleep.
Maybe she is.
Y/n blinks at her face for a moment, and once her brain stops slumbering, she starts blushing like an idiot.
"Sana." She mumbles, squeezing Sana's side where Y/n's hand is resting on her waist. Her bare skin.
They're both shirtless.
In fact, Y/n isn't wearing anything but her underwear, which she doesn't even remember putting on last night.
Sana hums and when she sleepily opens her eyes way faster than she usually would, Y/n knows that she's been awake for at least a while already.
"Hey." Sana says, her voice rough from sleep, and Y/n's lips naturally stretch into a smile, Sana mirroring the action almost instantly.
Y/n knows her skin is flushed, and she can feel her heart jumping everywhere in excitement, but she really can't find it in herself to care.
Sana puts more pressure on Y/n's back, where was some scratches. Stopping her movements when Y/n flinches at the sudden pain shooting down her spine. "Hurts?" She asks with concern in her eyes.
"Just a little." Y/n assures her, licking her lips when Sana pulls her closer until they're chest to chest, her arm warm and soothing around her sore muscles.
"I'm sorry." Sana mumbles, nudging the tips of their noses together instead of kissing Y/n like they both want to. Maybe once they've brushed their teeth. "I'll give you a proper massage later, okay?"
Y/n just nods her head because there's no use in putting up a fight; Sana is really damn stubborn when she wants to be, just like her mom said she was.
They stare at each other for a while and Y/n finds it a little hard to breathe when she realizes how Sana is looking at her.
It looks a lot like the gaze she gave Y/n after she kissed her in front of everyone at her birthday party; kind of awed, like she can't really believe Y/n's real, and really, really in love.
"How do you feel?" Sana asks, eyes never leaving Y/n's. She's not asking about her physical well being, Y/n knows that.
Y/n brushes her thumb over Sana's hipbone, drawing tiny circles into the smooth, warm skin there. "Good."
"Good?" Sana starts grinning and Y/n pinches her, making both of them laugh quietly and snuggle a little closer.
"Really good." Y/n speaks after a moment. It must be really cold outside because the windows look a bit foggy but the sun is out, and it's making the dust particles dance in the room around them. "Better than I imagined."
She never thought that being close to another person liked that could feel like that. The thought was always rather frightening and kind of off-putting to her.
It wouldn't have been possible for her months ago; just the thought of taking her shirt off in front of someone used to scare the shit out of her.
But this isn't just some random person. This is Sana, and that's a game changer in every aspect of Y/n's personality.
So, at twenty-two, Y/n is no longer what people consider to be a "virgin".
It was nerve wrecking, but Sana was so in control of the whole situation while Y/n was losing her shit on the inside.
Sana made it as good as it could get. She made Y/n feel safe, kept checking on her like
"Y/n, you okay? You with me? We can stop if you want-"
"No! No, Sana, please just- can you just..."
"Yeah, yeah baby, I got you."
And well, she definitely wasn't lying.
Sana took care of Y/n in a way no one else would have done, touching and handling Y/n like everything she was doing that night was the most important task of her entire life.
Maybe Sana's thinking of it, too. Last night. How it felt, skin on skin, lips brushing over the most sensitive parts of their bodies, the sounds Y/n made she feels absolutely embarrassed about right now but which made Sana's eyes darken in the moment.
Either way, her girlfriend's gaze turns heavy and knowing and before Y/n knows it, Sana is hovering above her, pressing her down into the bed much like she did yesterday. And despite her suggestive actions, the look on her face is nothing short of gentle and warm. "Y/n... you were so hot last night."
Y/n blinks up at her, feeling heat rising up her neck. "Don't talk about that."
Sana chuckles, her chest rumbling against Y/n's own. "Your voice is so low but it goes really high when-"
"You better shut up if you want that to happen again." Y/n rushes out, smiling triumphantly when Sana snaps her mouth shut with eyes full of fear.
She laughs at the pout on the younger's lips, leaning up to kiss it away, morning breath be damned. Sana deepens the kiss after a second and Y/n feels like melting into the bed, the kisses slow and warm and languid. Sana drags it out until they have to pull apart for air and leans up a fraction, brushing her thumbs over Y/n's temples like she wants to make Y/n purr like a cat and honestly, she would, if she could, that's how blissed out she feels this morning.
"Turn around." Sana mumbles. "To rub your back?" She tilts her head when Y/n gives her a questioning look.
Y/n falls asleep after a few minutes of Sana massaging gentle circles into the base of her spine while she's talking and asking Y/n random questions.
The last thing she hears is Sana saying something about Christmas, and family, and spending it together.
-
The next few weeks seem to fly past Y/n in the blink of an eye.
She swears it was Thanksgiving just yesterday, but one look at the date on her phone proves that it is in fact already December. Finals are once again just around the corner. The stress that comes with them robs her of proper sleep so the first day of Christmas month (as Jeongyeon likes to call it) sees her walking around like a soulless excuse of a human being.
It doesn't really help that both her and Sana are too busy to properly see each other. While Y/n tends to grow tired really quickly if they spend too much time together, Sana's presence always helps Y/n relax, and Sana's smile always makes all of Y/n's problems pale in comparison.
They have to settle for Line conversations and daily competitions on who can find a more ridiculous emoji inside the app (Sana always wins). Sana will send her a voice message at the end of the day even though she knows she won't get one in return, but Y/n always looks forward to them. Hearing Sana tell her what she's having for dinner and ranting about shows on Netflix and always ending the messages by telling Y/n how much she misses her is kind of what helps Y/n get through the days.
Their friends say that Y/n and Sana don't really behave like girlfriends should and they're always so damn shocked when they hear that Sana and Y/n haven't seen each other in like three days, but it works for them and Y/n doesn't care what others think.
Because when they're finally together, they make up for the lack of time spent together. Sana will cling to her like a puppy and Y/n won't really be able to hold back from stroking Sana's cheeks and running her hands over her body whenever she gets the chance, and they will kiss a lot and Sana will spend a ridiculous amount of time just admiring Y/n's face, which will usually result in them play fighting on the bed because Y/n can't handle all the attention Sana is giving her.
It's kind of a perfect balance. Y/n still has enough time to herself to sort out her feelings and thoughts before she can get overwhelmed and when she's with Sana, she's actually there and not stuck in the mess of her thoughts like she used to be.
She still goes to therapy once a week, and they've stopped feeling like interrogations but rather like a chat you'd have with a friend when you want to get things off your chest.
Today's her last appointment for the year because Dr. Kang is going on a family vacation and will be gone over Christmas, so Y/n feels a little bit worried about the coming three weeks, because it'll be the first time in months where she won't be having her therapists' support to get through the week.
Everyone says she'll be fine, and everyone's being really encouraging, and Y/n just focuses on the urgent feeling of not wanting to disappoint anyone by falling back into old habits.
From: Sana ♥
- Y/nnnnnn when's your appointment done?
Y/n reads the message from where she's sitting on one of the blue chairs in the waiting room. There's a man sitting on the other side; he hasn't really moved ever since he sat down five minutes ago.
He has both palms pressed against his knees and he's just staring into his lap.
Everything about him screams exhausted and helpless. From how low his head is hanging, how greasy his hair looks, to the stressed crease between his bushy eyebrows.
Y/n feels sorry for him. She wonders, if that middle-aged man has a family that worries about him, if he has kids, if he's got a stable job, why he looks so sad and it all makes Y/n's heart ache in empathy.
She sighs and looks back down on her phone.
To: Sana ♥
- in an hour
Sana replies almost instantly.
From: Sana ♥
- i'll pick u up!!!!!
To: Sana ♥
- Sana it's late
- just go home i'll meet you there :)
From: Sana ♥
- nope
- i'll pick u up ^-^
Y/n gives a tired little smile, shaking her head as she puts her phone away. It's not that late yet, barely six in the evening, but it's already pitch black outside and Y/n can't seem to warm up today.
She already woke up freezing, the kind of cold that seemed to seeping deeper into her skin all the way to the bone. She's wearing a bunch of layers but it's not helping.
At first she thought she was coming down with the flue since seemingly everyone's coughing and sneezing all over the place because of the virus that's going around.
But she doesn't have any of those symptoms. She's just really, really tired and she kind of felt dizzy today at work a few times, making Nayeon shoot her several worried looks across the room.
She shrugs it off. She probably just needs to sleep more.
-
"What are your plans for Christmas?" Dr. Kang asks, sipping on her tea behind her desk. They're already done with her regular session, leaving time for questions like these.
Y/n is so much more at ease now during their appointments. There aren't many negative emotions coming up anymore, nothing like the sessions during the first two or three months, which were horrible and left Y/n exhausted all the time.
These days, she almost looks forward to her appointments, because she knows she's getting better, sees it in the little differences throughout the day. Like how she's not at all anxious about using public transport anymore which was kind of a huge deal before. She's more talkative at work with the customers, smiles more and is able to keep her mind from wandering off into dangerous territory where she can drag herself down.
She still doesn't enjoy hanging out with too many people for a long time, and she still refuses to talk to her friends on the phone, and she still locks herself up at home because she needs to charge her social batteries, but she already feels like she's... healed, in a way.
Maybe she was finally able to leave her past behind, maybe it's just the fact that she understands the causes of her strange personality, but if it was up to her, she'd drop the appointments altogether.
"I'm going to spend Christmas Eve with my family and the next day with Sana's." Y/n explains, watching a smile spread on her therapist's face. The woman really likes Sana and she doesn't try to hide it so Y/n ends up talking about her a lot more than she ever plans to before a session.
"That sounds lovely." She nods her head. "So she's meeting your family for the first time?"
Y/n freezes a bit and clears her throat. That's kind of a sensitive subject right now. "No, I uhm. I'm going on my own."
"Oh, I see." She says. "Well, you don't have to rush anything, do you? Meeting each other's families for the first time is a big deal, after all."
Y/n nods her head, and the room starts spinning again. Her expression must falter because Dr. Kang's features grow concerned all of a sudden.
"Are you okay?" She asks.
"Yes." Y/n assures her quickly. Her eyes flicker to the clock behind her. Sana must already be waiting downstairs. "I should go, Dr. Kang."
Her concerned gaze stays on her for a moment longer before she slowly nods her head. "Don't tell me you caught the flu as well. Three of my colleagues called in sick today."
Y/n smiles weakly. "Ah, no. I don't really get sick." She says, and gets up, and the room spins some more. It's worse than before and she has to brace herself on the chair so she doesn't trip.
"Y/n. You really don't look so good." She says, pushing her chair back to stand up.
"I'm fine-" She starts to say but the air suddenly leaves her lungs, and it's like all blood rushes to her head, the corners of her vision turning dark. She doesn't really have enough strength to hold the chair anymore, so she doesn't, and passes out.
-
When she wakes up again, it's in a hospital bed, with an IV in her arm and a very distressed looking Sana sitting on the chair beside her.
They're in a room in the ER. Y/n recognizes the design of the room because she brought Lisa here when her best friend gave herself a concussion after hitting her head while she was showering last year.
Sana locks their gazes and Y/n gulps because she's never seen Sana look like that. So angry. At least not at Y/n.
"You fainted." Sana says before Y/n can ask what's going on.
"I remember."
"You haven't been taking your iron supplements." Sana continues talking instead of asking Y/n how she's feeling, which is already so strange because Sana usually starts having a crisis when Y/n so much as cuts herself in the kitchen. "The doctor said your iron levels were so low it's a wonder this didn't happen sooner."
Y/n looks at her and thinks she must be really tired, driving to pick Y/n up after a hard day full of classes and having to take her to a hospital on top of that. "I'm sorry." She says, not sure what else she's supposed to say. "I didn't know you could pass out from that."
Sana laughs but it's humourless and makes Y/n draw into herself. "Would you have taken the supplements if you knew?"
"When can I leave?" Y/n asks, ignoring her question.
"When that's empty." Sana mutters, pointing at the IV bag hanging next to the bed.
"I'm sorry." Y/n says again and Sana ignores her, eyes boring holes into the ground instead. Y/n wants to say something more, if only to get Sana to stop acting so cold, but she doesn't know what to say to make the situation better, so she stays silent and listens to the hospital noises around them.
Utensils clattering, something being wheeled through the corridor outside, people chatting quietly, various beeping sounds.
Y/n feels incredibly tired and cold, and she would like to hold Sana's hand because that always makes her feel better but she feels like Sana would pull away if she tried that, and Y/n doesn't want to deal with a rejection like that.
The silence inside the room is only broken when a nurse walks inside a few minutes later to check up on her and to remove the needle from her arm once the IV bag is empty.
She's good to go after that. The IV she received was an iron infusion that should last her for a few months, which is good, because Y/n is really forgetful when it comes to taking pills.
Which is why this happened at all.
She simply forgot.
If she knew this was going to happen, she would've forced herself to take them every single day.
Anything to keep something stupid like this from happening. She fainted. She fainted in front of her therapist because she was too stupid to remember taking her pills and she had to go to the hospital, and the bills are going to be a bitch to pay and all of that is bad enough on it's own but then there's Sana, who's the last person Y/n wants to bother or worry.
Y/n hates attention like this, she wasn't seeking for it, she doesn't want people to worry about her, and it's causing her mind to stress about it so much that she's getting one of her migraines she used to get daily in the past.
She's sitting in the driver's seat a few moments later, Sana practically ignoring Y/n's existence except for telling her to put her seatbelt on.
Y/n fiddles with her phone, not really looking at anything, but she needs to distract herself from the fact that her girlfriend is this upset because of her.
Sana's never treated her like this before. Even that night when they had their fight, Sana didn't look at Y/n with eyes like the ones Y/n woke up to at the hospital. Disappointed and annoyed and it seems really familiar, somehow, reminds Y/n of other people from the past.
She can't help but feel like a stupid, helpless kid again and there's honestly no feeling in the world Y/n despises as much as that. It brings up too many memories and it hurts, getting that treatment from Sana.
Sana stops the car in front of Y/n's apartment once they arrive there, but she doesn't turn the engine off like she usually would, and that alone is enough to make Y/n's heart drop.
"You're not coming inside?" Y/n asks, struggling with the question.
At first it looks like Sana's isn't even going to give her an answer. She's just looking out of the window, facing away from Y/n. "No."
Y/n stares at Sana's side profile for another moment before she understands that Sana doesn't want to see her. She finally pushes the door open, climbing out of the car and into the cold night outside. She wants to apologize again but she knows it'll be ignored, so she settles for a quick "Goodnight" and shuts the door before she can get an answer, which she likely wouldn't have gotten anyway.
She hears Sana driving off and that's enough to make Y/n's eyes sting pathetically because Sana always makes sure to wait for Y/n to go inside before she leaves and she just doesn't understand why Sana is so upset.
Sure, it must've been really upsetting to drive her girlfriend to the hospital, she was probably worried but was that really reason enough to treat Y/n like that?
They never fought before, at least not where they treated each other like this, and Y/n doesn't know how to handle it. She knows it's normal to fight in relationships but it's- it's just scary.
Y/n's really tired and kind of feels dizzy from the IV she got at the hospital so when she's upstairs, thirty minutes later after taking a shower, dressed in her pyjamas and brushing her teeth, Y/n fails to hold her tears back.
"Stop crying." She mutters angrily but it doesn't help because something about Sana treating her like she was a nuisance, Sana just leaving like that scares the hell out of her.
She used to worry about this so much back at the beginning, Sana growing tired of her, Sana not wanting to keep up with her anymore. She hasn't had those kinds of thoughts in a while and it scares her to think how easy it is for Y/n to actually fall back into her bad ways when she thought she was perfectly fine and didn't need therapy anymore.
Y/n nearly jumps out of her skin when the doorbell rings a moment later and she quickly wipes at her cheeks before moving. She looks through the peephole, frowning when she sees Sana standing there.
They stare at each other for a few tense seconds after Y/n opens the door, Sana's face falling once she sees the redness around Y/n's eyes.
"What do you want?" Y/n asks, avoiding her eyes. She's upset, too.
"Can I come in?"
Y/n doesn't answer. She leaves the door open and walks into her bedroom, slipping into her bed and closing her eyes. Sana can do whatever she wants. Maybe everything will be back to normal when she wakes up tomorrow.
She stays like that for a few minutes, unable to fall asleep, and tenses up when she hears Sana walk into the bedroom. She hears her shuffle around for a while, hears her brush her teeth in the bathroom, and feels her get into the bed behind Y/n.
Sana wraps her arm around Y/n's waist, pulling her back against her chest and Y/n feels her press her lips against Y/n's nape. Sana's fingers are ice cold and it makes Y/n shiver against her.
"I'm sorry." Sana finally whispers and she's never sounded so serious and so defeated before.
Y/n blinks, staring at the dark wall in front of her. "Why were you so angry?"
Sana pulls her closer and Y/n closes her eyes, unable to hold back from curling into the warmth behind her when Sana presses another soft kiss into her nape, like a silent apology. "Because I'm an idiot." She says thickly.
"Sana. Tell me."
There's a beat of silence before Sana kind of sags against her, face buried in Y/n's hair. "You're not taking care of yourself. You... You're like always making sure if I eat enough or if I dress warm enough but I'm your girlfriend, Y/n, I pay attention, okay? And you're not doing any of that for yourself."
"You're saying I'm not eating? Of course I'm eating-"
"No, you don't get it." Sana sighs. "It's like... it's like it's not important to you. If you get sick. Sometimes you say you forgot to eat. How can you forget to eat? It's like you just- sometimes I feel like you just give yourself enough to get by."
Y/n freezes a little, slowly understanding what Sana is trying to say. "I'm not starving myself."
"That's not what I mean." Sana sounds a little desperate at this point. She turns Y/n around so they can look at each other and the lights from outside are enough to illuminate their faces. "I don't just mean food, Y/n. Sleep, breaks during work or school, your supplements? I know you didn't stop taking your supplements just so... something like today could happen. You forgot, because you always think you'll be fine, until you're not. But if I didn't take my vitamins you'd be drilling my ass about it."
"Because I care about you."
"And I care about you." Sana shakes her head. "So don't you understand why I'm so upset about today?"
"I... I understand." Y/n slowly says, even though she doesn't really. She doesn't get what Sana is trying to say at all. Y/n is eating fine, she gained a lot of weight, so she doesn't understand.
Sana can tell that Y/n's confused because she sighs heavily and leans in to kiss Y/n's forehead. "You need to take care of yourself. Your body. You're allowed to, you're important Y/n. What would I do if something happened to you?"
So maybe Y/n still hasn't worked out all of her issues from her past. Y/n hasn't magically turned into a psychiatrist, but she doesn't have as much of a hard time anymore to draw connections between her behaviour today and things from her past that might've caused it in some kind of way.
Maybe she was stupid to expect herself to be magically healed like that after such a short amount of time.
"Okay." Y/n mumbles, bringing her arms up to wrap them around Sana and pull her closer. She's just relieved that her worries from before were stupid and pointless. She should know by now that Sana isn't going to leave, at least not over something so trivial. "I'm sorry, Sana. I didn't mean to worry you."
Sana makes a whiny little sound and kisses Y/n's cheek. "I was so worried about you, Y/n/n. Dr. Kang called me upstairs when you fainted and when I saw you like that... it was the worst thing ever. But I shouldn't have reacted like that. I'm such an asshole. I- I made you cry."
Y/n just shakes her head, closing her eyes. "I know you didn't mean it. It's okay."
"It's not. I was a dick."
"Yeah, okay. You were." Y/n smiles, can practically feel Sana's pout on her temple. She pulls back, giving them both some space and to let the atmosphere calm down. It was a hectic day and an even more chaotic night and Y/n feels the exhaustion creep into her limbs as she locks their gazes. Sana is blinking at her, her eyes gentle when she reaches out and cards her fingers through Y/n's hair.
"Don't do that again, Y/n/n." She whispers and the sincere concern written across her face makes Y/n's heart clench.
"I won't. I promise."
Sana licks her lips, leaning up to close the distance between them to kiss Y/n. One arm is braced next to Y/n's head, cradling Y/n's cheek with her other hand and Y/n slowly links her arms around her neck, pulling her down against her.
They kiss until they're both tired and sleepy, just slowly nipping at each other's lips. Y/n keeps her eyes closed when Sana pulls away to kiss down her neck, hiding her face there and mouthing at Y/n's skin sleepily.
They fall asleep like that, and Y/n's dreams are filled with Sana, her lips pulling into a smile even in reality through the night because apparently, even the dream version of her girlfriend is adamant to make her happy.
----