Waking up next to Sana’s sleeping face is not something Y/n was prepared for.
She has to blink a few times to clear her mind and make herself believe that this is real and that she isn’t still dreaming.
She’s in Sana’s bed, in Sana’s childhood bedroom, and Sana is snoring softly next to her, her hair is tied with a rubber band.
All of this is real, and Y/n told Sana she loved her last night.
Her heart does an excited little jump in her chest and all Y/n can do is stare at Sana’s face like a creep for a good minute before she inhales deeply— and starts smiling.
She’s happy in a way she never thought was possible for her, no worries in her mind, no expectations of something in her life happening to take the happiness away.
She’s just lying here, next to Sana, so deeply in love with this girl it makes her heart ache, and she’s happy.
Y/n sighs and reaches her hand out, brushing her thumb over Sana’s cheek gently, over the faint creases caused by the pillow. Her eyes try to take in everything at once, like she’s seeing Sana for the first time, but that’s not true because Y/n could easily point out the exact location of the cute little mole on Sana’s neck with closed eyes.
Sana starts snoring quietly and Y/n snorts, takes her hand back before she gets out of the bed as quietly as she can. She grabs their clothes from the chair where they hung them up the night before so they could dry before she leaves the room to dump them in the laundry bin in the bathroom.
She walks downstairs after taking a shower, for the first time putting her own clothes back on which Sana’s mom kindly washed and ironed for her. It makes her smile, when she realizes that her own clothes are now smelling like Sana’s, like she’s a part of them, which she knows she’s not, but it’s nice to pretend for a moment.
Sana’s parents are once again not home, having already left for work, so she’s greeted with the sight of Minah sprawled across the couch in the living room, eating while watching TV.
It’s still raining outside, thick grey clouds hanging in the sky and the garden is scattered with leaves and sticks, something Y/n is sure will drive Sana’s dad up the wall once he sees the effects of last night’s storm.
Minah looks up at her once she notices her standing there, pulling a face. “Did I wake you up?” She points at the screen of the TV.
Y/n shakes her head and makes to sit down next to her, careful not to sit on the rainbow coloured fuzzy blanket that’s covering her lap. “No worries.”
She nods her head and for a minute, they watch what’s playing on the TV. Minah is watching some kind of documentary about sea-life, or corals to be specific. “I made myself an Acai-Bowl. There’s more in the kitchen if you want.”
“A what?” Y/n asks, peering into the bowl she has in her hands. It’s too early in the morning for her to learn about yet another weird food-trend she won’t be able to understand or find appealing.
“It’s like a smoothie but it’s more filling. It has oats and all. I can make one for you, if you want.”
Y/n’s stomach grumbles and so far, she’s forced herself to eat everything Minah’s wanted her to try, but it’s making her use the bathroom way too much. “Uhm, I kind of—“
Minah rolls her eyes. “Mom put some noodles and beef aside for you two from last night’s dinner. It’s in the red box in the fridge. You can heat it up in the microwave.”
“Okay. I’ll wait for Sana to wake up.”
They sit in silence for a few minutes and while the guy on the screen is talking about how sea-life is slowly dying because of global warming, all Y/n can think about is Sana. How Sana held her last night, how she kissed Y/n, how she said—
“What’s up with your face?” Minah suddenly asks.
Y/n gives her a clueless look, reaching up to touch her cheeks. “Why? What’s wrong with it?”
Minah narrows her eyes. “Your cheeks are all flushed and you look like you’re trying not to smile.”
She chuckles nervously, shaking her head and willing herself to stop blushing before she really starts giving anything away. “I’m not.”
Minah tilts her head, that dangerous glint back in her eyes. She’s wearing something blue on her eyelashes. What was it called?
“What happened last night?” She wants to know.
“Nothing?” Y/n waves her hands defensively. She’s so scared of Minah. She’s way too smart for her age and somehow Y/n can’t help but think that Sana’s little sister is one of those random people who secretly know several ways to kill a person without leaving any evidence behind. “What’s that thing called you put on your eyelashes?”
“You mean mascara?”
“Oh! Right…” Y/n smiles and nods her head.
“What are you doing?” Minah makes an annoyed sound and mutes the TV. “Don’t change the subject! You know I will find out one way or another so you should just—“
The footsteps on the stairs save her life. Y/n’s heart does a weird jump when she turns to see Sana standing there at the bottom. Sana blinks at her, a strange look on her face, and she sees Sana’s shoulders drop in something like relief when Y/n sends her a smile.
Sana fleetingly glances at Minah as she makes her way to the couch before looking at Y/n again. She looks positively anxious and Y/n has no idea what to make of it.
Y/n slowly pats the space next to her on the couch. Sana hesitates before she sits down, so close to Y/n that Sana’s knee rests on Y/n’s thigh when she folds it up on the couch. “Morning.” Y/n mumbles, her heart beating rapidly at the sudden proximity.
Sana licks her lips, her eyes flickering over Y/n’s face and Y/n wonders if she lost the ability to speak.
Why is she acting like this?
Y/n takes a deep breath and reaches her hand out to take Sana’s into it, slowly easing her fingers in between Sana’s and smiles a little when she sees how the action makes Sana’s eyes widen almost comically.
Minah clears her throat and stands up, raising an eyebrow at Y/n when she looks up, finally remembering that Sana and her aren’t alone. “I’m taking the dogs for a walk.” She says before walking off with a satisfied grin on her face.
The documentary Is still playing on the TV and Y/n tries to focus on it while Minah is rummaging through stuff and getting ready to leave, but Sana is burning holes into the sides of her face and it’s hard to think about anything else.
The door finally clicks shut behind Minah, and then it’s just them, pressed close together on the couch, their fingers intertwined, Sana still soft and sleepy next to her.
Y/n forces herself to look at her. “Are you okay?”
Sana’s tongue darts out to wet her lips and Y/n fights the urge to tilt her head, lean a little bit in to peck them. “I… panicked.”
“Why?”
Sana shifts closer, turning sideways on the couch, and Y/n slowly does the same, Sana pulls her hand into her lap and stroke her knuckles with her thumb. “You weren’t there when I woke up.” Sana says, pulling a face, like she’s embarrassed about her words. “I thought last night was just a dream or something.”
Y/n takes a moment to understand what Sana is trying to say, and scolds herself for leaving before Sana woke up. Of course Sana would feel that way. “I’m sorry. I didn’t really… think that far.”
“It’s fine.” Sana quickly shakes her head.
Y/n gives her a smile, the pounding of her heart steady and strong, and when the corners of Sana’s lips move up, Y/n just leans in and kisses the smile.
Sana sucks in a breath, her smile melting against Y/n’s lips, and she makes a soft sound, her free hand coming to rest on Y/n’s waist, warm and gentle.
She’s so warm, her skin soft and smooth where Y/n’s palm is resting on her neck and Y/n can hardly believe that this is something she can do again.
Three months without Sana were hell; all she wants to do is make up for the lack of touches and kisses, wants to see the tips of Sana’s ears flush over and over.
Sana blinks her eyes open when they pull away – looking positively breathless – and starts grinning at Y/n.
Y/n’s stomach grumbles again, and they laugh at that, still not making any moves to pull away.
“Let’s eat something.” Sana says, her pinky finger sliding under Y/n’s shirt and over the skin on her lower back. Y/n leans into the touch, wanting more of it, but nods her head anyway.
“Okay.”
-
It’s still raining, and the temperature outside has dropped significantly. It’s not cold outside but Sana makes her wear one of her sweaters anyway.
“You just like seeing me in your clothes.” Y/n mumbles, fixing her hair after Sana puts the sweater on her. Sana sits down on the other side of the table garden table with a satisfied smile on her face.
“Can you blame me?” Sana shrugs, stuffing her mouth with some leftover beef.
“It makes me feel like a boyfriend or something.” Y/n mutters. “Lisa always does this with Jisoo.”
“Well, you’re not. Girlfriends do stuff like this, too.” Sana says, then freezes and looks at Y/n with uncertainty in her eyes. Her cheeks are full of noodles. “I… Uhm. I mean—“
“Girlfriends.” Y/n says, licking her lips. “We’re— We’re girlfriends.”
“Yeah?” Sana’s biting down on her bottom lip, the skin turning white for a moment before it turns bright red after Sana releases it again.
Y/n nods, her noodles slowly getting cold because she can’t stop herself from staring at Sana. Her eyes are still puffy from sleep and she’s wearing a white shirt with a wide neck, her collarbones out for everyone to see and Y/n feels anxious just looking at her.
How do they fit together? How does someone like Sana find Y/n beautiful?
“Good.” Sana nudges their feet together under the table.
“Good.” Y/n clears her throat when Sana starts smiling at her, digging into her food to distract herself.
Sana is her girlfriend.
Minatozaki Sana, that girl that spilled beer on Y/n’s shirt all those months ago, who kept being the most amazing and understanding girl on this planet despite Y/n treating her so unfairly, is Y/l/n Y/n’s girlfriend.
It doesn’t make any sense but she remembers Jihyo telling her not to look for logic in love, so she doesn’t.
They don’t talk much after that; they’re just listening to the rain, to Seulgi’s obnoxious laugh they can hear all the way over here while they’re playing footsies under the table. The wind tousles Sana’s hair and she groans when it makes some of the raindrops hit her face.
Y/n laughs and Sana pouts and the sight makes Y/n’s heart swell all over again. Y/n nearly goes ahead and says I love you so damn much, just to remind her, because she just wants to make sure Sana knows.
Y/n’s heart still does a gentle flip whenever Sana looks at her, but it’s different; it’s a happy flip, a content one, not something caused by uncertainty and fear.
They clean up after they’e finished eating and in the kitchen. Sana keeps touching her, just a hand on Y/n’s arm or hip, her thumb swiping something from Y/n’s chin.
Then, when Y/n is washing up, Sana comes up behind her to hook her chin over Y/n’s shoulder, plastering her chest against Y/n’s back.
Y/n tries not to flush. “You’ve never been this touchy.”
“I wasn’t sure if you liked it before.” Sana mumbles, turning her head to bury her nose nose Y/n’s neck. “Did you take a shower?”
“Yes.”
“You smell really nice.”
Y/n licks her lips, nodding her head. She turns the tap off and dries her hands, turning around to face Sana. Y/n is taken aback by the sudden proximity, especially when Sana’s hands come up to cage Y/n in against the counter. “I do like it. You touching me. I always have. I just…” I just didn’t think I had the right to feel like that. Why would you want to touch me?
Y/n shakes the thoughts off. She’s over that. She doesn’t feel that way anymore.
“You what, Y/n?” Sana asks, like she knows there’s a deeper meaning behind it.
“Nothing.” Y/n naturally says because it’s been like that between them before. Sana’s face does that strange thing again; Y/n’s seen it before, like that night when Sana broke up with her, when she wanted to know why Y/n never told her anything. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to tell me anything.” Sana says and it feels like she’s going to step away so Y/n brings her arms up to wrap them around Sana’s back, keeping her there like a child scared to let go. Sana sighs and lowers her head, hiding it in the hollow of Y/n’s neck and shoulder. “I’m just worried. I want to help you but I can’t when I know so little about you.”
“Do you want to?” Y/n asks, closing her eyes when she feels Sana’s arms around her, warm and safe. “Do you want to know?”
Sana presses closer into her. “I just want to understand you.”
“Then I’ll tell you.”
Sana shakes her head and Y/n shudders when she feels the gentle kiss pressed into her shoulder. “Don’t feel like you have to, please. I’m sorry, I don’t want to force you—“
“I want to, Sana.” Y/n gently pushes at Sana’s shoulder so she can look her in the eyes. “You’re my— my girlfriend. We’re supposed to tell each other everything, right?”
Sana’s face softens, and she looks at Y/n with so much love and fondness it knocks the breath out of her a little. “Yes. We are.”
“Okay.” Y/n nods her head.
Sana grabs a few rice cakes on their way out, and when they sit down on the garden swing a moment later, Y/n has a strange feeling of déjà vu. The only difference is that this time Sana isn’t pushing her away and Y/n doesn’t feel like her heart is breaking.
Their feet and legs are gettingg a bit wet from the rain but the rest of them is shielded by the hood of the swing. Y/n smiles gently when Sana flinches at the distant sound of thunder.
Sana hands her a green rice cake and Y/n picks at it for a moment, letting Sana push the swing for a few silent minutes before she takes a deep breath and starts talking.
“Don’t even think about pitying me over this.” Y/n says in warning, before she starts telling Sana about all the reasons she is the way she is.
Sana frowns. “Is there a reason I should pity you?”
“No. There really isn’t.” Y/n quickly says. “But the others have been doing it and I don’t want it. Especially not from you.”
Sana hesitates, her eyes searching Y/n’s, before she nods her head. “Okay. I won’t.”
“Just…” Y/n shrugs. “Please just listen to me and if you still have questions, you can ask but other than that I’d like it if we didn’t make a big deal out of it. Like, just let it go.”
“Okay.” Sana says very slowly, like she isn’t sure if it really is okay.
It’s a lot like her first therapy session with Dr. Kang, but this time Y/n rattles it down. She doesn’t meet Sana’s eyes while she’s speaking. It’s easier this time around. It doesn’t hurt Y/n to talk about it anymore, at least not as much, and she feels proud of herself for being able to do it so freely when she almost started crying about it only a few months ago.
She also tells Sana about seeing a therapist, and how it’s helping her, and then she stops talking after what feels like hours but when she finally looks up to meet Sana’s eyes, it’s only been a few minutes.
It’s still raining and the thunder is slowly creeping closer and Sana looks at her with watery eyes.
Sana swallows heavily. She opens her mouth a few times and then settles for a tight smile. “Okay. Thank you for telling me.”
Y/n did ask her not to make a big deal out of it, but Sana’s reaction is strange. She averts her eyes and Y/n frowns, her gaze flickering down to Sana’s hands, her fingers which are now curled into the cushions tightly, her knuckles white.
“Sana?” She mumbles after a beat. She can’t see Sana’s face. Sana doesn’t react so Y/n reaches her hand out, curling her fingers around Sana’s wrist to get her attention. “Won’t you look at me?”
Sana shakes her head and Y/n’s heart feels like it’s breaking at the sound that leaves Sana’s lips. “I’m sorry.”
She finally turns to Y/n but before Y/n can even catch her gaze, Sana wraps her arms around her, pulling her into a tight hug. Y/n sighs and melts into the embrace, curling her arms around Sana. One palm rubbing her back, the other at the back of her head, stroking Sana’s hair.
Sana’s shoulders are shaking and Y/n feels some wetness on her neck, and it truly breaks her heart and she wonders if she shouldn’t have told Sana at all.
“What are you sorry for?” Y/n carefully asks. She can’t take it; Sana crying has got to be one of the worst things in the world.
But Sana doesn’t elaborate, instead she only curls more into Y/n’s arms, like if she tries hard enough she can make herself smaller and fit in Y/n’s lap. It’s strange, seeing Sana like this.
People who usually are strong and bright are the scariest when they get like this, vulnerable and quiet.
“You said you wouldn’t pity me.” Y/n tries again. She breathes in Sana’s scent and lets her warmth soak through their clothes. “You’re… you’re studying child education, right? You must know how certain things can affect kids, and those things just happen wether you want it or not. That’s just what life’s about. It’s how you deal with it that counts. The only reason I am… like this is because I was too much of a coward to face any of it. But I’m okay, you know. I’m getting better. There’s no reason for you to cry. Sana… say something.”
Sana finally pulls away. She looks at Y/n for a long moment, her eyes a little red but dry otherwise. One of her hands move to cradle Y/n’s cheek. “Is there anything you need from me that’ll help?”
Y/n smiles. “No. But thank you.”
“Yeah, of course.” Sana smiles as well, wobbly and sad, and Y/n wouldn’t have ever thought that Sana was such an emotional person when she first met her that night. “I— I have snot dribbling down my nose, haven’t I?”
Y/n makes a surprised noise – her eyes flickering to Sana’s nose – and starts laughing. “Oh my god.”
“I’m sorry.” Sana laughs but as she looks at Y/n’s laughing face, her eyes start welling up again. “Y/n.”
“Stop.” Y/n is still laughing but her heart also aches. She seriously hates seeing Sana cry. “Stop crying. You look ugly.”
“But you’re amazing.” Sana whimpers. “How could anyone treat you like that? How could anyone not want you?”
“Sana…” Y/n sighs. “Don’t start pitying me now. You promised you wouldn’t.”
“I’m sorry.” Sana says again, clearing her throat. “It’s just… you’re my baby. I can’t just sit and listen about people treating you like shit when it’s breaking my heart.”
Y/n’s face flushes and she hits the back of Sana’s head jokingly. “Who are you calling baby? I’m older than you.”
Sana chuckles and leans in to hide her face in Y/n’s neck again, snuggling into her. “Last time I checked you liked it when I called you that.”
“You’re an idiot.” Y/n huffs, but her hand is carding through Sana’s soft hair again. It’s strange how natural it feels to have Sana’s body so close, to hug her and touch her. Y/n’s mom wouldn’t believe this if anyone told her; her daughter that used to shy away from gentle touches suddenly seeking out physical intimacy from someone.
“But you love me, right?”
Y/n’s glare is gone in an instant, replaced by a smile she fails to hold back.
“Yeah.” She says, watching Sana’s puffy eyes turn into happy crescents. “Yeah, I do.”
----