“I need your car.”
Lisa blearily blinks at her, rubbing a fist over her eyes like a kid. Her messed up hair and stained shirt give away that she just woke up.
“Good morning to you, too.” Lisa slurs, stepping away to let Y/n inside. “What do you need my car for?”
The apartment’s a total mess. Not that it’s a surprising sight, since Lisa isn’t exactly a clean freak, to put it mildly, but this is making Y/n’s eyes hurt.
You can easily tell that Jisoo has left to visit her family and hasn’t been around here to kick Lisa’s ass a little. “God, open some windows. It smells like someone died.” Y/n nearly chokes on the stale air inside.
“Oh get over yourself.” Lisa rolls her eyes but she still does as she’s told. “You hungry?”
“No.” She sits down on the couch, her palms feeling a little clammy. She’s nervous.
Lisa jumps on the couch next to her, scratching at her armpit and Y/n swears she’s never seen her best friend this… dirty.
“Why are you like this?” She frowns. “Is it because Jisoo is gone?”
At mention of her name, Lisa’s lower lip just out, and her eyes get big and a little watery. “I can’t function without her, Y/n/n. I’m miserable.”
“It’s been only three days—“
“I’m not myself without her.”
“Okay.” Y/n sighs, furrowing her eyebrows as she watches the creature she calls her best friend. She swears if she squints her eyes she can almost see those squiggly cartoon odor lines coming off of her.
As Lisa told her the week before, her and Jisoo finally slept together. Lisa’s been so scared of rushing things and destroying their relationship that she’d been avoiding heavy make-out sessions or any form of touches that went below the waist. They’ve been dating for nearly half a year and it seems like Jisoo’s finally had enough of her ridiculous behaviour.
Lisa generously told her all about how it happened, in great detail.
And while Y/n is actually happy for her best friend, she can’t really decide what’s worse; a sexually deprived Lisa that had lost all of her shame (Y/n once walked in on her masturbating, and Lisa said “Hi bro” before she simply kept going) or Lisa after she finally got laid. Like, Y/n didn’t think Lisa could love Jisoo any more, but now that they went all the way, Lisa seems to have switched into some kind of Alpha mode.
Lisa’s horny 24/7, to put it simply. It’s awful.
“Can I like, help you feel better or something?” Y/n asks, shuddering once she realizes how the question sounds, especially after thinking about that.
“Unless you can magically turn yourself into my cute girlfriend, then no!”
“Jesus. Okay.” Y/n mumbles when Lisa ends up shouting the last part.
“You didn’t come here to pity me, did you?” Lisa asks with a childish whine. “Shoot, what do you need my car for?”
“I’ll be back tonight.”
“That’s not answering my question.”
“It’s not important, I just need to—“
“You’re going to Sana, aren’t you?”
Y/n slowly closes her mouth while a satisfied smirk spreads on Lisa’s face.
“I…” Y/n starts after a good minute of silence. “I want to talk to her.”
The smirk fades from Lisa’s face, turning into something less teasing. “Y/n/n, are you sure that’s a good idea? Like, didn’t Jihyo say it would be bad for you or something? Won’t she trigger you or something?” She stops, her eyes widening a little. “Damn, I never thought I’d use that term not related to memes one day.”
“It’s just Sana.” Y/n sighs, tired of hearing everyone say the same thing to her. “I’m not a ticking time bomb that’s going to explode just because I see her again.”
“Yeah, it’s Sana, that fucker left you hanging for her stupid childhood friend and you’ve been eating yourself up about it ever since.”
“Don’t call her that.” Y/n snaps a little without meaning to, a blush spreading across her cheeks right after.
“My bad. Didn’t mean to offend your sweetheart.” Lisa laughs at the glare on Y/n’s face before letting out a sigh and forcing herself to stay serious. “Obviously you can have my car. You don’t even have to ask, what’s mine is yours and all that crap.”
Y/n lets out a quiet chuckle, looking at Lisa in a way that she hopes conveys how thankful she is to have her.
She doesn’t expect it to make Lisa tear up.
“Lisa, you’re a mess.” Y/n states. “You should call Jisoo or something.”
“Already did.” Lisa sighs. “Four times today.”
“It’s ten in the morning.”
“Yeah.”
“Are you sure you don’t need anything?”
“I only need you to stop walking around with a permanent frown on your face the whole summer.” Lisa says, giving her a pointed look. “And if talking to Sana will make that happen, then you have my blessing.”
“Thanks.” Y/n snorts, slowly getting up from the couch.
“Be careful okay?” Lisa mumbles, her voice laced with worry as she follows Y/n to the door.
“I’m an amazing driver, thank you.”
“I’m not talking about the drive.” Lisa lightly kicks her thigh. “With Sana. You’re finally starting to get better and I don’t want all your efforts to go to waste just because… I mean, like, a lot can happen in what? Three months? What if she’s— I don’t know, what if her feelings have changed?”
Y/n slows down where she’s quietly putting her shoes on, her lips pressing together in a tense line.
It’s nothing that hasn’t crossed her mind before.
What if Sana doesn’t want her anymore?
What if she’s with Roseanne now?
What if she hates Y/n?
What if… What if… What if…
If she thinks about it any more her head will explode, and Y/n has no time for that.
“Then I will have to accept it. I’m— I’m not going there expecting anything.” She slowly stands up, facing Lisa with a nervous expression. She tries to act confident, like she knows what she’s doing, and Y/n may have gotten better in the past few months, but she’s still Y/n. That self conscious, self doubting part of herself won’t ever really disappear, and it’s already back to nagging her, scratching annoyingly at the back of her head, telling her to leave it be and not go see Sana. “I just want to talk to her. And apologize.”
“She owes you an apology, too, Y/n.”
Y/n sighs and grabs the car keys next to the door. “Shouldn’t you be giving me pep-talk now or something? It’s all you’ve been doing lately.”
“Damn right I have!” Lisa laughs, pursing her lips when Y/n opens the door. “Hey, did you eat anything today? Did you take your iron supplements?!”
“Okay can you, like, calm down—“
“I’m just worried about you. You and that small beating muscle in your chest that pumps blood through your tiny body.”
Y/n turns around and leaves. “I hate you.”
“Call me, okay?!” Lisa shouts after her, Y/n turning around to shoot her an unimpressed look over her shoulders.
“I don’t do phone calls.” Y/n calls back. “Aren’t you my best friend? You’re supposed to know that kind of stuff.”
“Text me then!” Lisa rolls her eyes. “Asshole.”
Y/n laughs up at her and Lisa smiles, doing a bad job at hiding her frown before Y/n disappears.
Normally, Y/n would get anxious over Lisa’s behaviour, but not right now.
Y/n somehow feels like she has to do this.
Her gut is telling her as much, so Y/n just goes with it, hoping for the best.
-
Sana’s parents live three hours away.
The distance alone was nearly enough for Y/n to screw the whole idea, but then Y/n realized that the distance wasn’t really the problem; Y/n is scared.
She’s so damn scared that she’s looking for excuses not to do it, and she’s half tempted to call Lisa and have her talk out of it, but she doesn’t.
She gets into the car and just… drives.
-
And the drive is pure torture.
Not because of her horrible tinnitus in her left ear acting up from all the stress (which she tries to block out by blasting loud rock songs through the car) but because Y/n starts thinking.
Y/l/n Y/n should not be allowed to think. At least not when she’s alone for such a long time.
It’s like when you have a loose thread at the hem of your sweater, and you just start fiddling with it out of boredom, and then you start tugging on it and you can’t bring yourself to stop and before you know it, you’ve pulled out so much of the thread that half of the sweater is completely destroyed.
That’s exactly what happens to Y/n during the drive.
What starts off one of her familiar thoughts her anxiety sparks up, thoughts that have her worrying on her lower lip until the skin is bitten red and raw, ends up lodging a huge lump in Y/n’s throat, her chest heaving, panic rising in her whole body.
She knows she’s a lot better than she was a few months ago, she knows she’s made progress, but it’s like none of that matters anymore when it comes to Sana.
Because for some reason, Sana is always the exception, no matter in what kind of situation.
Right now, two hours into this drive with the sun already starting to set and her leg cramping and eyes watering because of the aircon, Y/n is back to being the Y/n she was when Sana and her met for the first time.
Y/n takes a deep breath and shakes her head. There’s no reason to freak out now. She needs to stay calm.
Sana liked the Y/n you were when you met. The thought comes out of nowhere but it makes her shoulders slump, the heavy tension there fading the tiniest bit.
She holds onto that thought for the rest of the drive.
-
Y/n parks her car on the other side of the street where Sana’s house is.
She doesn’t want to draw attention to herself by parking right in front of it, should she decide that she can’t do it after all.
After having a crisis with her forehead pressed against the steering wheel for what feels like an eternity she pulls the key out of the ignition and gets out of the car.
She stands a little too fast, black dots suddenly clouding her vision. She should’ve listened to Lisa, like how hard can it be to remember taking a stupid pill in the morning?
It goes away as quickly as It came though, so it’s fine, and Y/n approaches Sana’s house with shaky legs.
It’s a fairly large house and Y/n remembers Sana telling her that her parents were owners of a cake shop. It must be a very popular cake shop.
Okay, now she’s just being a judging prick.
It looks welcoming, painted in a warm, pale yellow with lilacs blooming in front of the windows. There’s a welcome sign attached to the door, colorful and eye catching, like they genuinely want people to know that they’re welcome here.
This is Sana’s home.
Something about the thought tugs at Y/n’s chest, because it suits her in every way possible. Big and cute and inviting.
“Okay.” Y/n whispers to herself, swallowing heavily when she feels how much her hand is shaking when she lifts it to press the doorbell.
And then she presses down, her heart skipping a beat as she listens to the melodic sound resonating inside the house.
“Minah, can you open the door?” A woman shouts inside. “My hands are dirty.”
“I’m on it!”
Oh no.
This was a mistake.
What the fuck was Y/n thinking? Why did she think this was a good idea? She has no business here. She’s a stranger to those people, she’s definitely not welcome, and maybe Sana isn’t even home, and even if she was home she most likely doesn’t want Y/n here, why is Y/n the biggest idiot that the world has ever seen—
She’s genuinely about to turn around, already taking a few steps backwards when the door suddenly gets torn open, and Y/n just completely freezes.
“Who are you?” The younger version of Sana asks her.
No, what is Y/n even thinking? God, this is Sana’s sister. It’s the girl from the pictures Sana showed her. She’s still sporting that buzzcut and she’s looking at Y/n with eyes shaped just like Sana’s, big and curious and wary.
“I- Uh-“ She stutters like the idiot she is. “I’m sorry, I’m Y/n. I was looking for, uhm, for Sana?”
“Is that a question?” She tilts her head and in any other situation Y/n might be a little taken aback by her straight forwardness. Girls her age usually tend to be really friendly and respectful but she seems to be they type to be quickly done with someone’s shit.
Y/n clears her throat. “Is she here?”
“Yeah, she is. But she doesn’t have a friend who’s called Y/n. How do you know her?”
Oh. Yeah.
Of course Sana didn’t talk to them about Y/n. Why would she?
Y/n ignores the pang she feels in her chest, trying to keep a straight face.
She shouldn’t have come here. What is she supposed to say?
“Minah, what’s taking you so long? Who is it—“ The same woman from before asks, before the door opens a little more, Sana’s mother appearing behind Sana’s sister.
She looks just like she did on the pictures, friendly and pretty, her hair pulled up into a high pony tail which makes her look a lot younger than she probably really is. “Hello. Can we help you with something?”
Y/n forces herself to smile, but it probably looks like a grimace because Sana’s sister looks really amused by her expression. “I’m sorry for uh, just showing up like this. My name is Y/n and I’m— I’m a friend of Sana.”
“Oh, I see!” She pushes Sana’s sister out of the way by placing her palm on her bald head and in any other situation, Y/n would’ve laughed at their interaction, especially when Sana’s sister starts complaining. “I’m her mother, obviously. Why don’t you come inside? She’s in her room with Roseanne right now but…”
She says something else but Y/n’s ears go numb.
Idiot.
Y/n truly is an idiot.
Roseanne—
Roseanne is here, she’s in Sana’s room, and Y/n may be an idiot but she’s not stupid, she knows what that means.
“…I’ll get her for you—“
“No!” Y/n rushes out, interrupting her a little too quickly. She can barely force herself to talk, let alone stay polite and friendly.
The black spots in her vision are back but more than that her whole chest feels like someone is pressing down on her lungs, making it hard to breathe.
“I’m sorry” She shakes her head. “Don’t get her. I should really leave.”
Sana’s mother looks confused and her gaze on Y/n grows concerned. “But you came all the way here?”
Yeah, which clearly was a mistake. She should’ve listened to Dr. Kang and to Lisa. “I can just call her. It’s fine. I have somewhere else to go so… But it was nice meeting you, Mrs. Minatozaki.”
She still looks concerned but she gives her a smile and nods her head, waving her goodbye when Y/n hastily turns around to get to the car and go home.
Y/n’s nose is prickling and her face crumples a bit but she’s not going to cry now.
She’s such a hypocrite.
She told Lisa she’d be fine, no matter what happened, but she’s not fine. Her chest aches and she couldn’t even see Sana, because she’s with Roseanne, it’s been over three months and she’s still with Roseanne—
“Y/n!”
Y/n stops walking. Her heart also stops beating, and she stops breathing.
She just stops altogether.
Someone runs towards her, all the way to the other side of the street, and Y/n hears them slow down somewhere behind her before the footsteps stop completely.
“Y/n?” Sana asks, slightly out of breath from her short sprint.
Y/n clenches her fingers into fists, her heart pounding heavily at the sound of Sana’s voice, and then she turns around and Sana is standing there.
She’s just standing there, looking at Y/n with those eyes, her black hair sticking to her skin at her temples because it’s so damn hot outside. Sana stares at her with her eyes squinted because the sun is shining directly into her face. She’s unmoving and Y/n just quietly mirrors her.
Sana looks tanned, like she’s spent the past few months out in the sun, which might explain the shorts she’s wearing.
And furthermore, Sana looks thinner. Not in an alarming way, not how Y/n used to look at times, but it’s apparent especially in her face. Her cheeks aren’t as round and full anymore, and Y/n thinks this is what Momo meant when she said Sana was worrying her.
Y/n herself feels incredibly worried because she doesn’t know another person that has an appetite like Sana does.
Y/n doesn’t know what to say.
She might’ve thought she missed Sana, but standing in front of her now, not knowing where they stand and how to act or where to look, she realizes just how much she’s missed Sana.
“You shouldn’t—“ Y/n starts, her voice just above a whisper. “You shouldn’t walk around barefoot.”
It’s not what she wanted to say when she saw Sana again, but Sana isn’t wearing shoes, and it’s the only thing that comes to her mind.
Sana looks confused but she lowers her gaze and stares at her feet, and huffs out a quiet laugh. “I thought you had left.” Is all she says and Y/n can barely meet her eyes when she looks up again.
“You might step on something—“
“Y/n” Sana interrupts her, a disbelieving look in her eyes. “What are you doing here?”
She sounds accusing. “I wanted to talk to you.”
“But then you changed your mind?” Sana asks. “You were about to leave again.”
Sana’s eyes keep moving over Y/n, from her hair to her mouth to her cheeks to her arms and it’s so unsettling because Sana’s eyes should be easy to read.
Sana is an open book.
But not anymore, not right now.
“Your mom said Roseanne was with you.” Y/n says. “I figured…” She trails off, watching how tired Sana suddenly looks. Y/n closes her eyes and shakes her head. “Look, Sana, can we just… can we talk? It won’t take long.”
“Okay.” Sana says, shrugging her shoulders. Her face is blank and it’s breaking Y/n’s heart. Sana seems so unaffected by seeing Y/n again while Y/n has to forcefully stop herself from doing something stupid, like reaching out and touch Sana’s cheek. “Let’s not do it here. Too much audience.”
Y/n follows her line of sight when Sana turns her head, only now noticing the three kids sitting on their bikes a few feet away. Sana smiles and waves at them and the kids start giggling gleefully, like they just got noticed by their Idol.
Sana’s already looking at her by the time Y/n tears her eyes away from the kids, and Y/n immediately stops smiling. “Let’s go inside?”
“Okay.”
----