Sana is on her phone a lot.
Not when she’s alone with Y/n, but when they’re hanging out with their other friends, or when she thinks Y/n isn’t looking.
And there is always something off on her face when she puts it away. Like whatever she is doing is putting a burden on her.
Y/n tries to ignore it.
But the day after Y/n tells Lisa that she wants to go exclusive with Sana, when they’re working together in silence at the back of the uncle’s shop, Sana’s phone lights up on the table, and Y/n sees her clench her jaw after reading the message without picking it up. She even goes as far as quickly pressing the power button, like she doesn’t want Y/n to see it.
They might not be girlfriends, so Sana doesn’t exactly owe her an explanation, but they’re at least friends, and Y/n is worried about Sana so she puts her pen down and gathers some courage before she decides to simply ask her.
“What’s going on?”
Sana acts like she’s concentrating on her work. “What do you mean?”
“Who are you—” She starts, remembering the ‘I miss you’ someone sent her the week before and tries to shake off every single thought that goes in the wrong direction. “Just tell me what’s wrong. You’re always on your phone, and last week you said you didn’t want to talk about bad things on our first date. So you can tell me now.”
It looks like Sana isn’t going to answer her for a couple of seconds, but then she closes her eyes and drops the utensils in her hands, looking up at Y/n with a resigned look on her face. “I’m sorry for acting strange, okay? But Y/n I… I honestly don’t think it would be good for you to know.”
Y/n can’t help but frown at that. “What do you mean?”
“We only just started going on dates, and I don’t— I really don’t want to ruin things.” Just as she finishes talking the screen of her phone lights up again, both their eyes darting to it. Sana gulps and turns her phone around so the screen is facing down and Y/n’s stomach suddenly twists uncomfortably. Why would she do that if she didn’t have anything to hide?
“Are you… seeing someone else?” Y/n manages to ask. “Because you can tell me if you like—”
“No! What the fuck?” Sana’s voice shakes and she looks a little devastated at Y/n’s question. “I’m sorry. Shit. Y/n, no. I like you. I literally can’t get you out my head no matter what I do, so please don’t assume anything like that again, okay?”
“Then what is it?” She looks into Sana’s eyes, the relief she feels at Sana’s words overwhelming her for a moment. She wants to tell Sana that she feels the same, that Y/n’s starting to like her so much it scares the shit out of her, but she stays silent and patiently waits for Sana to explain what’s going on.
“It doesn’t have anything to do with my family.” Sana finally says after a long pause.
Y/n genuinely thought she was right with her assumption, especially after she saw how Sana’s mood dropped when they looked at her family’s pictures. “I just assumed... You said you didn’t want to talk about bad things when I asked about them.”
“I meant—” Sana starts and shakes her head. “I meant bad things about me.”
“About you?”
“Ah, fuck, this is too complicated.” Sana sighs nervously. “Please, hear me out before you say anything.”
She’s too confused. She didn’t think Sana had any major secrets, didn’t even think about her possibly having things from her past that she kept to herself, which is egoistic of her to think.
Y/n is keeping things from her, so why wouldn’t Sana do the same?
“Okay… what happened?”
“I fucked up.” Sana starts. “I… I had a best friend back in high school. We grew up together since our moms were close friends. In our junior year of high school we had this… genius idea to kiss each other, just to see how it was to kiss a girl. We started messing around after that and said we were just going to help each other figure out our sexualities and stuff, no feelings involved, so we could still stay best friends. Which was fucking stupid, of course.”
Sana isn’t meeting Y/n’s eyes while she tells the story, and Y/n wishes she would look at her, because she can’t really tell what Sana is feeling right now. “This almost went on for a whole year, but then I met my boyfriend, the one I told you about. And I obviously stopped this whole thing I had going on with her, but she got angry. She slapped me and started crying, and… I realized that she fell in love with me but it was a bit too late for that. That was the last time we talked. I mean, I tried to apologize, but she wouldn’t have it, and she moved to Europe with her family right after that, so things kind of just... ended there.”
Sana carefully looks up at Y/n, who doesn’t really know what to say to all of that. It’s a lot to take in. “She came back a few weeks ago.”
“Oh.” Is all that leaves Y/n’s mouth.
Sana clears her throat. “She’s been staying at my parents’ house until she finds a place on her own. That’s why I went back home recently... to see her.”
There must be something on Y/n’s face, because Sana looks really alarmed all of a sudden.
“It’s not like that.” She says, almost urgently. “I swear, I’ve never had those kinds of feelings for her. I didn’t lie to you when I said that you’re the first girl I have feelings for, Y/n.”
She was the one who sent Sana that text message.
Y/n might not be very experienced when it comes to relationships, but she’s not stupid. She can read the look on Sana’s face, and she puts two and two together.
“Is she still in love with you?”
She suddenly wishes Sana would deny it. She selfishly wants it to be the end of that story but she knows it’s not, and it scares her.
Sana drops her gaze. She’s wearing the same expression she had when she was acting so down for the first time a few weeks ago, the same look in her eyes that appeared when in the bookshop when Y/n naively thought it was a simple family issue. “It’s complicated.”
Silence envelops them once again and Y/n just tries to stay calm. There’s no use in jumping to conclusions.
“Will you be okay?” Y/n asks when she realizes Sana isn’t going to start talking on her accord. “I mean, you two?”
“Yeah, we’ll get there.” Sana gives her a strained smile. “It’s just a stupid situation. I’ve known her since I was three and knowing someone like that just hates you… that you hurt them so much, is like, really kind of crushing.”
Y/n fiddles with her pen, trying to push her own feelings aside because she knows Sana needs her support. “You didn’t purposefully hurt her. I’m sure she isn’t blaming you anymore.”
“She’s not.” Sana sighs. “She’s too kind for that.”
There’s a pang of something in Y/n’s chest when she gives Sana a weak smile.
“It’ll be fine.” Sana says, like she knows how Y/n feels. “Please don’t worry about it. And I’m sorry for being so absent lately.”
“You two must’ve been close. It’s normal for you to feel that way.”
Sana looks at her for a moment before she suddenly gets up and walks around the table, taking her chair with her to sit down next to Y/n instead. “What are you thinking?”
“What do you mean?” Y/n tries to laugh it off.
“I can tell you’re having thoughts about it. And not the good kind.” Sana moves closer, her knuckles nudging against Y/n’s knee as if to get her attention. “I didn’t keep it from you because I wanted to do something behind your back. I knew it would make you worry.”
Y/n looks down at Sana’s hand, wanting nothing more than to reach out and hold it. “I’m not worried. I’m glad that you told me, because I didn’t like seeing you so down. But you don’t— you didn’t owe me an explanation. I don’t want you to feel like that.”
Sana shakes her head. “Maybe I do.” She brings her hand up to make Y/n look up at her, cradling her cheek. “Maybe I want to owe you an explanation for things I do. I want you to ask me why I looked at a girl’s butt or why I was flirting with a guy when you weren’t looking.” She stops and chuckles at Y/n’s confused expression. “I’m not doing these things, but if I would, I don’t want you to say ‘You can do whatever you want’. Do you understand?”
“I do.” Y/n finds herself leaning into Sana’s touch, suddenly needing the reassurance that Sana still wants her.
There is no way Y/n could compete with her childhood best friend. Someone she undoubtedly shares many memories together, someone she’s experienced intimate things with Y/n could never replace. For that person to come back into her life after such a long time, still harbouring these kinds of feelings for Sana, it makes Y/n feel threatened.
Like she might lose Sana any moment now. She knew something like this would happen sooner or later, but she thought she would have more time.
It makes her think of Momo’s words again, how she told her to stop leading Sana on, how right she was.
Of course Sana would prefer someone who didn’t hesitate in showing their love and appreciation for her, someone who doesn’t have problems calling her her girlfriend.
It’s like there’s an invisible timer somewhere, urging Y/n on to get the hell over her little problem if she doesn’t want Sana to leave her.
Y/n is very aware of the possibility, and she decides to do everything she can to not let it happen. She will start by making things official with Sana, but with this new information, she already finds her courage to do it faltering.
“I know you’re not ready to be with me” Sana then says. “But please just don’t- Don’t act like you wouldn’t care if I was with someone else. It... it hurts.”
Y/n doesn’t do those things because she doesn’t care. Of course she cares. She probably cares too much but she didn’t think it was hurting Sana. It’s the last thing she wants. She doesn’t think she could take it, seeing Sana hurt because of her. “I’m sorry. I do… I do care.”
“Look, I’m not an insecure girl, you know that. I mean, usually I’m not. But with you I’m… I’m kind of terrified I’m going to make a wrong move and you’ll be gone.”
“I won’t.” Y/n rushes out, and she’s suddenly standing, towering over Sana who’s still sitting. “I want to be with you and I— I just—”
“Need more time?” Sana finishes for her, standing up too. She steps closer until their shoes are touching. “I’m giving you all the time in the world, Y/n.”
She doesn’t know what she did in another life to deserve someone like Sana because she sure as hell doesn’t deserve her in this one, but when Sana says that and Y/n kind of helplessly stares into her eyes, it’s like she’s falling for her all over again.
Y/n fell for her that first drunk night when they met, and then again at the club, and then again every single time they saw each other, and then there was no going back once Sana kissed her and she thought it would stop after that, but it didn’t.
Every time Sana smiles, laughs, tells a stupid joke or pouts over a silly thing, every time she sends Y/n an annoying dank meme, every time she gives Y/n that overwhelmingly fond look, every time she holds Y/n’s hands, every time she kisses her or says something just like this Y/n just kind of stops, the realization of just how much Y/n likes her sinking in.
It keeps hitting her and she doesn’t know if it will ever stop.
“We need to stop being so sappy.” Y/n says and Sana snorts and pulls Y/n against her.
“You better get used to it.” And then she leans in, the tips of their noses brushing and Y/n holding her breath before Sana closes the distance and kisses her.
They haven’t kissed in a while, not since that small peck after their date last week.
They don’t nearly kiss enough, is what Y/n realizes when Sana nips on her lower lip in a way that sends tingles over her skin. Y/n usually doesn’t kiss Sana because she’s, well, Y/l/n Y/n and Sana doesn’t kiss her because she’s scared of scaring her off and Y/n decides it needs to change.
Y/n pulls Sana closer by her shoulders, throwing her concerns out the window for once.
Sana sucks in a breath when Y/n parts her lips to deepen the kiss, and Y/n thinks she’s going to push her away for a second, but Sana only tightens her arms around Y/n’s waist with a soft sound against her mouth.
The kiss is different. It’s deep and languid and has Y/n squeezing her eyes shut tighter, her legs tingling and Sana pressing them together until there’s no space left between their bodies.
Y/n stumbles when Sana moves them to press Y/n against the working table, the metal bars on the side digging into Y/n’s spine painfully from the impact. She flinches and Sana pulls away a fraction, breathing a little heavier against Y/n’s lips.
“Shit, I’m sorry, baby” She whispers. “Are you okay?”
Y/n sucks in a breath, her hand in Sana’s hair tightening.
Baby.
“I’m fine.” She answers, a whine nearly making its way through her throat, because Sana calling her that feels so new and so strange but— good. It feels better than it should.
Sana nods, an almost knowing look in her eyes as she leans closer again, pecking Y/n’s lips. “Are you hurt?”
Y/n shakes her head, chuckling a bit breathlessly. “I’ll survive, Sana.”
Sana smiles and looks at her in a way no one has ever looked at Y/n before; it has Y/n’s neck prickling, her skin flushing. She presses another kiss against Y/n’s lips, and then to the corner of them, moving to Y/n’s jaw where she starts pressing kiss after kiss into Y/n’s skin.
Y/n’s eyes flutter shut, a new kind of warmth pooling in her limbs. “Sana.” Y/n breathing out her name is enough for Sana to lean up and kiss her lips again, and Y/n doesn’t really know what happens, but Sana licking into her mouth and her hands gripping Y/n’s hips suddenly make her feel so—
“Girls.”
Sana stumbles back when Y/n pushes her away, the chair behind her toppling over and landing on the floor with a loud crash. Both of them turn around, still trying to catch their breaths and Y/n feels her heart skip a beat when she sees the uncle standing there with a blank look on his old face.
“Uncle—” Sana starts, sounding really nervous. Y/n is pretty sure she hasn’t told the man about any of this, and she also knows how older people tend to react to same-sex relationships, so she feels kind of sick to the stomach right now. She stands close to Sana who nearly takes her hand but stops herself last minute. “I’m really sorry.”
The man grumbles something under his breath, his eyes flickering between Sana and Y/n for a while before he lets out a gruff curse. “To hell with it. I don’t care what you two punks are up to. Just don’t do it in here.” He starts to turn around.
“W-Wait, uncle” Sana sounds extremely lost. “You’re not mad?”
The old man sighs and Sana rushes to bring him a chair to sit down. Y/n just kind of awkwardly stands there, her skin feeling hot and feeling strangely… alive from how Sana just kissed her, how she touched her.
She knows it’s a serious situation, but she can’t stop staring at Sana, and she can’t stop feeling butterflies fluttering around in her chest when Sana glances at her while she helps the man sit down.
Sana flashes her a quick smile, another knowing look in her eyes, and Y/n can’t help but smile back, feeling giddy and so damn happy all of a sudden.
“I might be an old geezer but I was young once too.” The man says, watching how Y/n and Sana try not to stand too close together like two idiots. “You two are not as subtle as you think you are.”
Y/n clears her throat and glances at Sana who looks like she’s trying really hard not to blush. “I meant… because we’re, you know—”
“Because you’re girls.” The man finishes for her, nodding his head thoughtfully. “I won’t lie to you. When I was your age, me and my friends used to beat up a kid. Call him all sorts of homophobic names cause we saw him kissing a fella behind the school.”
Y/n flinches a bit and Sana suddenly walks over to her and takes her hand and Y/n nearly pulls away, too scared in front of the uncle, but she realizes Sana isn’t doing it to reassure Y/n; Sana’s hand is trembling. So Y/n squeezes her hand and steps closer until she can feel Sana’s arm against her own.
The uncle silently watches them and Y/n has no idea what the man is thinking. “Then I met Minhee.” He goes somewhere, the uncle, Y/n can see it in how distant his eyes become. He’s thinking of his wife. “That woman was really something, I tell you. She knocked some sense into this thick skull.” He points at his head where he’s wearing a worn-out cap. He looks kind of cute with his chubby cheeks and the moustache, but his eyes are incredibly sad.
It’s his birthday today, and he has no one to who will give him a present.
No one who remembers it, no one who cares.
Y/n’s heart aches again and she instinctively clings onto Sana’s hand some more.
“I see two people who are in love. I don’t care about anything else. And screw everyone who thinks otherwise.” He suddenly says. Y/n and Sana both freeze a little at his choice of words, Y/n’s heart beating a lot faster, but she doesn’t correct him.
They were kissing. They’re holding hands.
It’s only normal for the man to assume how they feel about each other.
And maybe he’s not even that wrong, but it’s too early, and Y/n doesn’t need another reason to freak out right now.
“T-Thank you.” Sana stutters. “We, uhm. We will be more careful from now on.” Her palm is sweaty against Y/n’s, and Y/n wonders if it’s because the uncle spoke of love in relation to them.
Maybe Y/n isn’t the only one freaking out all the time.
And then something weird happens; the uncle looks at them, and then he smiles. The grumpy uncle that used to shoo Y/n away because she spent too much time in the shop smiles. “I was hoping my eyes weren’t just tricking me. You make a nice pair.” He starts getting up then, holding his back as he goes. “Now let’s go eat. I’m hungry.”
He leaves a flabbergasted Y/n and Sana behind.
“I thought he was going to beat us with his walking stick.” Sana mumbles, her shoulders sagging in relief as she pulls away from Y/n’s hold.
“I thought he was going to chase me through the entire town with it.”
Sana laughs, and Y/n lifts her eyes, finding that Sana looks really happy. Happier than she’s been lately.
It makes Y/n think that this whole situation with her best friend must’ve really bothered her. It still does, but Y/n doesn’t want to think about it too much for tonight.
She just wants to pretend everything’s okay. That they are okay.
“Come on. Let’s not keep him waiting.” Sana reaches her hand out for Y/n to take again. Y/n presses their palms together, intertwining their fingers when Sana starts pulling her out of the shop.
“I think uncle ships us.” Y/n whispers into Sana’s ear.
Sana laughs, her eyes crinkling in amusement, and pulls Y/n closer into her side.
-
They eat at a small restaurant run by a local family where the uncle seems to be a regular at.
Y/n’s never really talked much to the man, mostly because he isn’t very talkative to begin with but also because he’s always had the notion that the man doesn’t really like Y/n that much.
Tonight they do talk, and the uncle even goes as far as praising Y/n for her hard work at school, and thanking her for helping Sana concentrate a little more at work.
Sana smiles the entire time, and the uncle and her go back and forth with their teasing, and Y/n can just see how much the man actually cares about Sana. If he didn’t know their relationship, he’d honestly think the man was her grandfather even though he might still be a little too young for that.
He’s turning sixty today.
They had a hard time finding a present for him, since he kept saying that he didn’t want anything whenever Sana asked him. Y/n and her spent an entire day trying to pick something that the man might like, and they finally decided on getting h a new cap, since the one she’s wearing right now is really worn out.
It’s an expensive designer hat. Not that uncle can tell the difference. He gets flustered when they give it to him, like he hasn’t received a present in ages, which he probably hasn’t.
They drink a little bit and the restaurant owner plays some really cheesy trot songs and Y/n can’t tell if the pleasant buzz in her body is from the alcohol or Sana’s hand on her knee under the table.
“Hey, uncle…” Sana starts when it’s starting to get late and the uncle starts looking a little sleepy. “I’m sorry if this is rude of me to ask, but you rarely talk about it and I was just curious—”
“You want to know about my Minhee?” The man asks, once again getting this distant look in his eyes, like he’s remembering her.
The way he calls her makes Y/n smile sadly down at her half-empty cup.
Sana nods, her thumb rubbing over the side of Y/n’s knee.
“We met in high school.” The man starts after a heavy exhale. “She was a good girl, and I was the troublemaker of school. She got into detention because of me and for some reason, she fell in love with me after I gave her a letter where I apologized.” He smiles at the memory. “When she came into my life… she turned it upside down.” He starts. “I made a complete fool of myself for her. I was a rascal, an airhead that thought the world was at my feet. She didn’t just teach me otherwise, every day I spent with her was a day she taught me how to be a good person. She made me decent.”
Sana gives the man a comforting smile, handing him a napkin when the uncle starts blinking like he’s trying to stop his tears.
“I spent almost forty years of my life with her. When she died, I didn’t have a reason to wake up anymore. All I wanted to do was go after her.” The uncle clears his throat, and his hands are shaking when he reaches for his beer. “I hated god. I hated everything for taking her away from me. I blamed myself for not spending more time with her, until I realized that no time in the world would’ve ever been enough. When you find your soulmate, nothing with them is ever enough.”
It sounds nice. Having someone like that. Y/n doesn’t know why the story hurts her so much but it’s almost enough to make her nose prickle and she’s taken aback by her own reaction. She doesn’t usually cry that easily. Sana leans over, her lips brushing Y/n’s ear, hand squeezing her knee reassuringly. “Are you okay?”
Y/n nods, and she tries to find Sana’s hand under the table, fumbling with their fingers before she laces them together like someone might try to break them apart.
Sana gives her a concerned look and when she leans back, she subtly pulls Y/n’s chair closer to her, brushing her thumb over Y/n’s knuckles to soothe her nerves.
“You’re both still young.” The uncle continues. “You don’t know what will happen in the future. You might end up with someone completely different, but make the best of the time you spend together.” He gives them a pointed look. “One of the worst feelings in the world is regret. Make sure you don’t regret anything if you ever end up not being together anymore.”
The atmosphere has turned so serious all of a sudden, serious and sad, at least that’s how Y/n feels after listening to the old man.
It isn’t like he’s wrong. They’re young and stupid, and with Y/n’s issues on top of that, they likely won’t last.
Y/n gulps and looks down at their intertwined hands, and she’s nearly clinging to Sana’s at this point, enough for the younger to give her another concerned look.
Sana changes the subject, clearly sensing how much it has upset Y/n, and the rest of the night is spent with light-hearted jokes and the uncle softly singing along to the oldies playing in the restaurant.
-
They take him home when it’s nearing midnight, and the man thanks them for keeping him company today and Sana sighs and hugs him, Y/n watching a little too fondly how the uncle pats Sana’s hair with an annoyed grumble.
Sana holds her hand out for Y/n to take, and Y/n gently laces their fingers together when they start walking.
“Sana” Y/n tugs on her hand when they reach the street where they should separate since both their apartments are in different directions. Sana keeps walking in the direction of Y/n’s apartment though. “Where are you going?”
“You’re feeling down.” Sana tightens her hold on Y/n’s hand. “Uncle’s story upset you, didn’t it?”
Y/n doesn’t say anything and has half a mind to bend down and pick up the empty cigarette box from the ground to throw it away. She doesn’t really talk until they’re only minutes away from her apartment. “I feel bad for him. He’s all alone. And he’s—” She clears her throat, feels Sana’s gentle eyes on the side of her face. “He’s still so in love with her. How can someone live with that feeling?”
Sana stays silent for a moment, apologizing quietly when she bumps into a guy that rushes past them. They turn to take a shortcut through an empty alley, having to walk closer together since it’s quite a narrow passage.
Sana suddenly brings their hands up and presses her lips against Y/n’s knuckles softly. It’s a tiny gesture, but so gentle and so intimate Y/n feels her breath get stuck in her lungs. Sana seems to be embarrassed about it a second later, lowering their hands again. “I don’t know how he does it. But I strongly believe he’ll be with her again, sometime.”
Y/n still feels her heart thump wildly, still not used to Sana’s intimate touches. Her kisses. “You believe in heaven?”
“I… I go back and forth.” Sana shrugs. “But I don’t believe that all of us just goes away once we die. I think, our souls they, you know, go somewhere. Somewhere nicer than here.”
Nicer than earth.
That shouldn’t be so hard.
It’s beautiful here. The nature is breathtaking, the animals are fascinating, humans are beautiful like art yet— it’s all just a facade, right? All those wars, the suffering, the poverty, the hate, the famine, the destruction of the planet, the lies and scams and diseases…
If there really is something like an afterlife, it can only be better, right?
“Like a fresh start?” Y/n asks, her voice quiet.
“Yeah, maybe.” Sana squeezes her hand. “Don’t be sad about uncle anymore.” Sana makes her stop walking right before they enter Y/n’s street. “He’s going to meet her again. Both of them will be seventeen, and he will have her dashing looks back and her Minhee will be the most beautiful girl ever.”
Y/n laughs, but her eyes are a little wet and Sana steps closer and pulls her against her chest. She presses her lips against Y/n’s temple, their hands still locked together at their sides, Sana’s free arm wrapped around Y/n’s waist securely.
“That sounds nice.” Y/n touches her fingers to Sana’s arm, feels the tiny knob in Sana’s elbow and makes her giggle when Y/n mindlessly starts playing with it. Y/n smiles and presses closer into Sana’s embrace, and for once her heart doesn’t go completely crazy in Sana’s presence.
The thumps are slow and steady, and her thoughts are clear, and the only thing she knows is that if there is someone like Minhee for Y/n in this world, it has to be Sana.
“Are you okay now?” Sana pulls back and Y/n looks up at her, her eyes trailing over Sana’s beautiful features silently. “Y/n?”
“Do you want to come upstairs?”
Sana blinks at her, her eyes widening a little. “Upstairs?”
“You can stay over.” Y/n says, only then realizing how her invitation might’ve sounded. She wasn’t even thinking about it, and now she’s left staring like an idiot at Sana who in return looks like an owl with how wide her eyes are.
A very cute owl…
“Oh. Uhm. Do you want me to?” Sana’s ears are once again very, very red and Y/n suddenly can’t look away from the flushed skin.
Y/n is reminded of her conversation with Lisa earlier this week, and something about tonight is different, but this isn’t Y/n asking Sana to come upstairs so she can… experiment with her.
She doesn’t want Sana to leave yet.
That’s all there is to it.
“I’d like it.” Y/n shrugs and gives Sana a nervous smile.
Sana smiles back, bright and beautiful. “Okay.”
----