The area in which something can be seen without moving the head or the eyes.
* * *
It is strange to find myself crying over something that I am sure is part of the dreamscape. As I often do not have any dreams beyond this, I don't know if is also normal to feel the heaviness of my heart. I don't think that I'll ever be using such a cliché metaphor that it feels like someone carved my heart out of me. But it is truthfully how I feel right now.
Somehow, I am thankful that I manage to clear away my tears first once I am out of the room and head on back to our barracks where I am hopeful to be alone to burst all of it out. As another blessing, except for the few other soldiers in the field that I've crossed paths with that an exchanged of nods are all that's necessary, I make it back to my bed, crawling then underneath my blankets, and be the child I am to bawl my eyes and cry my heart out.
It is a little comforting knowing that I am alone in this place. And even if someone is to walk in and hear me or what, it seems like I no longer care when the confrontation itself with César had been painful.
I suddenly had the impulse to just leave. This is my dream, but time and time again, it proves to me that it isn't easy to disappear from here and wake up to that of my reality. For some reasons, it feels like I needed to deal with this dream sequence and accept that not all dreams are happy ones; some are also nightmares.
Pero ganito ba dapat ang isang nightmare? I ponder. Nightmares are supposed to be scary, but... the knowledge of what could've just happened to César... Yeah, I guess this is a nightmare.
For nightmares are meant to be one that make us cry once we wake up from it.
I don't know how much time passed by when my tears stop. I finally come to the moment that I want to cry still but there are no more tears to be shed. Such moment that I can say I have a good cry, being able to let it all out, and start to accept that I am surely a mess right now. The pillow is tear-stricken and I remain under the comforts of the blanket.
Not too long later, I hear the door opening that I tense up at once for who it may be. However, the voice that follow makes me ease a little, saying, "(Y/N)?"
I didn't reply and just curl underneath the blanket more, biting my lower lip as if it will hide any sound.
The door then closes, before it is followed by the slow sound of footsteps drawing closer to where I am. And a few moments later, it stops as the nearby bed makes a sound when Clara sits down with a heavy sigh. She then tells me, "I know that I'll find you here."
I didn't answer still.
"Hindi ka naman hinahanap sa medical bay; at hindi ka rin hinahanap ni doc. Mukhang alam niya na kung anong nangyari pagkatapos no'ng sobriety test. Nabalitaan ko na isa ka sa mga witness no'ng kay César. At... wala ka namang dapat ipag-alala sa mga usap-usapan nila; lalo na't napatunayan na totoo naman ang lahat ng sinabi ni César sa pre-flight check-up niya. Pero panigurado na nag-aalala lang din sila kung bakit wala ka doon," she explains.
"Gusto ko lang mapag-isa," I finally answer, almost in a whisper. "Mag-oovertime na lang kamo ako."
She sighs another time, and it takes another minute for her to talk to me again, saying, "(Y/N), alam ko kung bakit nagmumukmok ka ng ganyan. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang naging pag-uusap niyo ni César pagkatapos ng nangyari, pero alam ko na kung kami ni Tonio ang nasa posisyon niyong dalawa, panigurado nasakal ko na at napatay ko na si Tonio. Since wala naman akong narinig na natagpuang patay na si César, paniguradong naging kalmado ka pa kahit papaano sa nangyari."
"Bakit ko naman papatayin pa ang isang tao na sabik na sabik na mamatay kahit wala akong gawin?" I scoff. Saying it all over again now of how César truly sounds so willing to die pains me once more that I feel my eyes becoming watery again. "Binigyan ko na siya ng basbas, kung gustuhin niya man din."
"Grabe, binabawi ko na pala na mukhang mas naging kalmado ka. Mukhang mas masakit pa pala iyon. Sinabi mo talaga iyon kay César? Na binibigyan mo na siya ng basbas mamatay?"
"Alam naman niya ang ginawa niya, at sabi rin naman ni Godofredo na kahit sinong piloto ay alam na delikado iyon. Eh 'di totoo lang talaga na gustong-gusto niya na mamatay. Kung anu-ano pang kasinungalingan ang sinasabi niyang gusto niya akong pakasalan, tapos gusto niya na rin pala talaga mamatay. Pakasalan niya sarili niya."
"(Y/N)... Hindi ko sasabihin na hindi delikado ang ginawa niya. Nandoon ako sa field kanina, and narinig ko, kagaya ng iba, ang mga pinagsasabi nila sa radyo. Maging pagkababa nilang lahat, at kung paano sila pinagalitan dahil sa nangyari. Nakausap ko rin si Tonio, at aminado siya na delikado nga ang ginawa ni César, pero nasabi niya rin na ginawa lamang ni César kung ano ang sa tingin niyang tama. Last minute judgment and quick evasive maneuver, sabi niya pa. At hindi lang din talaga aaminin ng iba, pero... kung may isang piloto ang makakagawa ng ganoon na hindi man lang nag-crash ang eroplano, sabi ni Tonio, si César lang ang makakagawa no'n."
"Industrial Chemistry?" I suddenly remember reading it through his framed diploma, before being addressed by his father, telling me, "Yeah. Industrial Technology Major in Chemistry. With honors pa. Sinong mag-aakala na pipiliin niya magpiloto?"
I know time and time again that it takes brains to be a pilot. Flying might be easy, but the theory behind it all and the decision-making in-flight are additional requirements of pressure. I know as well that he is definitely smart, if not a genius to be branded; hence, he knows everything he needs to know with the concept of flying like the back of his own hand. Perhaps, with his own bachelor's degree, in a sense, he certainly finds a plane like something he can deal with, too.
And knowing that he is praiseworthy for being considered by other pilots to be one of the few to manage to survive such a dangerous maneuver and walk out of it makes me smile to myself of how proud I can be of him. I remark, "Malamang. Matalino siya."
"And..." Clara chuckles lightly as she transfers to sit on the vacant space of my bed, placing then her hands to where my shoulders are, and leans closer. "Paniguradong grabe rin ang will ni César to survive. Kaya kahit naging delikado, nag-survive pa rin siya. With the plane. Unscathed."
I slowly pull the blanket off my head and stare at her with a little pout. I know that I am a mess right now for her to giggle.
"Alam ko na tinadtaran at kinatay mo na si César ng galit mo sa nangyari. Pero... pagkatapos ng suspension, alam mo naman panigurado na mas kailangan niya ang suporta mo ngayon." She reaches out to brush my tears. "Kaya tama na 'yan. Tapos na ang shift natin, at hindi ka nga hinahanap ng iba, pero pinapatawag ka ni Kapitan Villamor."
"Clara naman. Bakit hindi mo kaagad sinabi?" I immediately sit up from the bed, brush off my messy hair, and wipe out the remaining tears from my cheeks and eyes. "Mapapagalitan ako panigurado no'n."
She laughs. "Easy, girl. Pinapahanap ka lang naman niya sa akin, at hindi rin naman ako nagmamadali noong hinahanap ka. Panigurado namang alam niya na ako ang dahilan kapag natagalan kang puntahan siya."
"Tapos ngayon kailangan kong hanapin kung nasaan siya." I move out of the bed and start fixing myself up to appear presentable as much as possible. "Mga ilang oras na ba noong sinabihan ka niya na hanapin ako?"
"Hmm... mag-dadalawang oras na, siguro? Hindi naman kasi siya mukhang galit na kailangan kitang hanapin kaagad. At noong sinabihan niya ako, nakasalubong ko lang din talaga siya, at mukhang naalala niya lang na gusto ka niya makausap kaya alam ko na hindi ganoon ka-importante o ano man." She volunteers to fold my blanket for me and ushers me to head on once she sees me all fixed up. "At mag-iingat ka sa labas. Medyo madilim na. Kung wala siya sa kanyang opisina, paniguradong nasa may hangar siya!"
* * *
As Clara had mentioned, it is definitely a little dark outside by now. A quick look at my wristwatch and I note that it is almost seven in the evening, and definitely all flight operations are over. At least, after what happened during training earlier, there is no doubt that they've also canceled their succeeding schedules. And as it is beyond office hours, I no longer dare to take the risk of heading to Capt. Villamor's office and as Clara also said, I then head on to the hangars of Zablan Field.
It had been a good judgment of mine, I believe. For as I am to approach the nearest hangar from our barracks, I finally find the man of my intent.
Capt. Jesús Villamor, like countless other pilots in this dreamscape of mine, is also one I've known from the company. Despite his young age, he is also considered a senior pilot to be given the left seat at once. I remember him being mentioned when we've crossed paths with Capt. Mondigo during the promotional shooting at Davao, Capt. Zablan calling him affectionately as "Capt. Jess" as it seems to be his preferred nickname, too. I just wonder if it is also an acceptable nickname in this dreamscape as well, but I doubt it as the military had been quite too strict in imposing decorum in their ranks. Despite that, he is also quite too short compared to the majority of pilots, and a little lanky. Though all of the PAAC pilots are definitely fit and lean, there is no doubt that they are made of taut muscles, one that can be easily hinted of César. However, Capt. Villamor is different that he can be considered as someone small but terrible.
He is wearing one of those flight suits that I saw César and the others had been wearing earlier today. It seems like they've already exchanged their formal uniforms to one that is definitely needed for flight to almost make them on-call in any event that will arise. He isn't wearing, though, the cloth helmet and goggles; but the white satin scarf hangs undone around his neck. And as he keeps his arms crossed and his back against me, it seems like he is watching something from afar. After all, he just stays a few meters away from the hangar entrance itself.
Drawing closer to stand a few feet away from him, I realize that in the midst of all the aircraft parts and tools and planes inside the hangar itself, his eyes are focus on to where César is across the other end, gone is his flight apparel as he's only wearing his flight suit now, hanging out with a few mechanics and discussing with them about something as they worked on the latest repairs.
It is a little strange to see César outside the environment I envision of him; very much as well with how I've resembled him with Elian. I can imagine both of them being focused and well-oriented inside the cockpit and flying, but finding César now with the maintenance works is like figuring out something new to put this piece of a puzzle as another part of him.
"Minsan iniisip ko kung anong mayroon sa chemistry kaya siya makalikot din sa mga ganyang bagay. Hindi naman maitutulad ang paghahalo ng mga kemikal sa pag-aayos ng mga makina o kung ano pa man," Capt. Villamor remarks, definitely a statement turned at me concerning César. It is very evident with how he watches him too well, and I wonder how long he had been here to do so.
"Pwera po sa chemistry, siguro dahil din po sa Industrial Technology," I counter. "Inhenyeriya pa rin kaya siguro ganoon po."
"Sabagay. Mas malayo pa rin sa business o sa commerce. Pero sa talino niya na makapagtapos ng ganoon? Malayo-layo ang maari niyang marating kaysa dito na nakatali siya sa militar," he says.
I bite my lower lip, unsure of how to reply to that. I also think of that back then when I found out his bachelor's degree and the additional honor roll at that. However, I'll also be asking the same thing out of Elian to do so, given that they both share the same college history before opting to be pilots themselves. That no matter how I want not to get involved with Elian any longer, I'll definitely find much more answers about the reason why when it comes to him.
At my silence, Capt. Villamor casts a look at me. "Kilala mo ba si Orobia?"
I blink, unsure if I've heard of that name before. I wonder if it is another of the many pilots in the company that I didn't know of, and for some reasons, his name doesn't seem to sound a bell to me.
"Siya 'yong isa pang candidate, except sa akin, upang pamunuan ang Sixth Pursuit Squadron. Ayon sa kanya, dalawa lamang ang matuturing na 'ace pilots' sa dami ng mga piloto na napasama sa Sixth Pursuit Squadron. Si Juliano at si Ebuen." He scoffs. "Muntikan na ako matawa noong sinabi niya iyon. Hindi sa minamaliit ko 'yong dalawa, dahil kilala ko sila at masasabi ko na talagang magagaling din. But, at that time, I told myself that if I am leading a group of pilots, I need to know them. Their strengths and weaknesses. Ganoon ang ginagawa ko sa mga naging estudyante ko bilang flight instructor. Flying is a matter of life and death; kaya bilang flight instructor, sinisigurado ko na almost perfect ang mga nagiging estudyante ko. Halos lahat ng mga piloto ng PAAC dumaan din sa akin bago nakapag-solo at mabigyan ng lisensya; kaya alam ko kaagad na imposibleng sila Juliano at Ebuen lang ang masasabing 'ace pilots'.
"Kaya kinuha ko ang record ng iba pang mga piloto na pinatawag dito mula sa Lahug para mapabilang sa Sixth. Sabi ko nga, halos lahat ay dumaan sa akin kaya kilala ko silang lahat. Alam ko kaagad kung saan sila magaling, at kung ano ang kailangan nila iimprove to become better. I also realized, upon reading all of their records, that all of them are aces. They're practically the best of the best. Medyo naging bias lang talaga si Orobia dahil mas mataas ang oras nila Juliano at Ebuen kumpara sa iba. That's unfair; though it is the cruel truth na flying hours ang nagiging basis if one is skilled enough or not.
"But, in my book, I'd rather trust my back to someone who knows his and his plane's limits with less hours, than someone with higher hours who only knows how to take-off and land. The Sixth Pursuit Squadron is meant to always be at its prime. Aanhin ko ang matataas na oras kung pagdating ng mga eroplano para sa Sixth, lahat naman sa kanila ay walang experience sa pagpapalipad no'n? Because there's some sort of thirst for knowledge para sa mga mabababa pa ang oras, na kumpara sa mga matataas na ang oras ay nagkakaroon na ng complacency na kaya nila ang kahit anong bagay."
Once more, I don't know what to answer to that. I don't know the ruling book concerning pilots, but I somehow get it. The fact that most people will look at experience more than eagerness. That companies, especially in the aviation industry, are in search of pilots with high flying hours out of one plane with the belief that they are capable, than pilots with less flying hours but had a good record and series of experience from more than one aircraft. It is the cruel assumption of the world that just because you have more experience, you are wiser to share it. Time and time again, it is also proven that age doesn't come with wisdom; there are those beyond the years who never grow out of childish knowledge.
"Alam kong nag-aalala ka kay Basa, (L/N)," he adds. "'Yong nangyari kanina... alam kong ilang ulit mo na narinig na delikado iyon. Hindi ko siya sinuspinde dahil doon. Ligtas at buhay sila pareho, 'yon ang mas importante; pangalawa na lamang na nagawa nilang hindi i-crash 'yong mga eroplano. Sinuspinde ko siya dahil kailangan kong malaman niya na ang pinaka-importante sa lahat ay ang buhay. Aaminin ko na hanga ako sa ginawa niya kanina. Hindi lahat ang nakakagawa no'n; kung sa iba iyon, paniguradong matataranta, magkakamali at babagsak ang eroplano. Ganoon ang eroplano, katulad ng lahat ng bagay, nanaisin at nanaisin na bumalik sa lupa. Kaya kapag hindi na nakayanan ng eroplano ang kinakailangan nito para manatili sa ere, babagsak ito. But then, as I've said, it's an incredible feat that he really remained clear-headed, and successfully executed the maneuver and its stall recovery. I think the honor roll is a pay-off to that."
"Kapitan, alam ko naman po na delikado," I finally speak up this time. "At alam ko po na alam din po iyon ni César at ng kahit sino man po na wala pong lugar ang talagang matatawag na ligtas. Kaya po mas lalong nag-aalala ang mga tulad po namin na walang alam sa pagpapalipad."
"Totoo na normal lang para sa mga taong nakapaligid sa amin ang mag-alala. Alam din namin na hindi iyon dahil sa milagro ng pagpapalipad, pero dahil nakadepende ang lahat-lahat sa piloto. Sa amin. It's like we are the soul of a soulless machine. Kaya sana..." He smiles sheepishly at me. "Be a little lenient and be more understanding with César."
"Po?"
"I'm sorry. Narinig ko kanina ang pag-aaway niyo. Masyado kang... stressed kanina kaya panigurado hindi mo ako napansin, pero kahit wala akong sinabi kay César tungkol doon noong kinausap ko siya pagkatapos mo makaalis, alam ko na alam niya rin. Alam kong maging siya ay madami na ring iniisip pagkatapos no'ng nangyari... pero alam ko na kaya niyang malampasan iyon. Ganoon naman talaga ang pagiging isang piloto. At para sa amin, paano kami matatawag na mga piloto, kung nandito lamang kami sa lupa? Of course, it was the natural thirst of a pilot. We wanted to fly; what were we pilots for except to fly? And with the additional pressure of being part of the Sixth Pursuit Squadron? I know that it is a little overwhelming for everyone, too. We're the envy of everyone who had wings. Naiintindihan mo ba?"
"Uhm... I guess so."
"With that, nagbigay na ako ng issue na mag-leave ka rin ng tatlong araw. Damayan mo siya. Alam kong mas kailangan ka niya sa mga panahong ito."
"Po?! I... I mean, hindi naman po—"
"I insist," Capt. Villamor insists. "I need him back in shape after the suspension, and I know your relationship enough for me to deduce that he'll need you. You're both his weakness and strength, (L/N). It's about time he decides which of those two you should be."
I am... César's weakness and strength? Anong ibig-sabihin no'n?
He sighs heavily and casts a look back to where César and the mechanics are that before leaving me behind, he tells me, "Ordinaryong tao lang din kaming mga piloto. We do not have any death wish, and we are all just fighting to survive." He then gives me a small smile at that. "And surviving close-calls are proofs na mas malakas ang will namin mabuhay kumpara sa iba. We're not so eager to die than you think of us, (L/N)."
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A/N: Vote, comment and share! Whatever you do means a lot to me, and I am really wishing for some feedback!
A few list of notes to share!
1. Lt. Eustacio Orobia was a graduate of the US Flying School Class 38-B and was Commandant of the Basic and Advanced Flying School in 1941. With the 6th Pursuit Squadron about to be reactivated, he was recalled from Maniquis to train, with Lt. Jesús Villamor, would-be pursuit pilots on the art of fighter flying. He singled out two outstanding fliers: Lt. Godofredo Juliano and Lt. Benito Ebuen. Orobia lost the chance of leading the 6th Pursuit Squadron to Villamor because of the objections of Lt. Jose Francisco (US Flying School Class 1936), saying that Orobia cannot take responsibility, because even at Maniquis Field, he had to call in Lt. Pelagio Cruz. They actually did not know the true story, so Villamor was given the slot. During WWII, he distinguished himself in the defense of Aglaloma Point in Bataan to a point where he was hit by a Cal.50 machine gun. He was also taken as prisoner of war during the fall of Bataan. Upon his rlease from the Capas concentration camp, he joined the guerillas under the 2nd Corps Area. After the war, he held important positions before he assumed the Commanding General of the Philippine Air Force on 16 March 1951. Later on, he was assigned to the Office of the Chief of Staff, AFP as Military Attaché in Bangkok, Thailand from 1953 to 1956; as Chief of War Plans; Commandant CGSC, PA; and Superintendent of PMA on 28 February 1962.
2. Lt. Benito Ebuen was a graduate of PAAC Flying School Class 38-B and became a flight instructor at Zablan Firld before later becoming the Commander of the Seventh School Squadron in Maniquis Field. Despite being credited by Lt. Eustacio Orobia, Ebuen didn't become part of the 6th Pursuit Squadron and returned to Maniquis. During WWII, he served as Commanding Officer of the 2nd PAAC Provisional Infantry Battallion, before evacuating to Mindanao to join the 81st Field Artillery Regiment and Bolo Combat Regiment, and be incarcerated as prisoner of war from 1941 to 1943 at Malaybalay, Bukidnon. After the war, he held important positions such as Base Commander of Basa Field on 2 June 1948; Commanding Officer of the Philippine Air Force on 2 June 1952; and Commanding General of the Philippine Air Force from 12 December 1956 until his untimely death with then President Ramon Magsasay in a plane crash at Mt. Manunggal in Cebu on 17 March 1957. On 18 January 1999, Mactan Air Base was renamed in his honor for being the brain behind the study, planning and development of Mactan Air Base as alternate International Airport and Air Base.
3. Flying hours is always equivalent to experience and skill; but I was always told by my flight instructors that they'll better want a wise pilot with lower hours than an ignorant pilot with higher hours; because, for them, higher hours is equivalent to complaceny. Well, unless, said pilot had matured with the training itself.
4. Lower flying hours but with an additional type rating or higher flying hours but in one type rating alone? Currently, this is the most well-known debate. Based on what I encounter, the previous is much prevalent and has a higher chance of being part of the airlines. Well, how? Out of my ground instructors, additionally two of my batchmates, with 200 hours and an additional A320 type rating, landed an airline job, out of one of a known flight instructor who did so, too. Airlines are being practical with the said set-up, because the cost of training for an A320 is already shouldered by the applicant than by them.
Chapter title: Field of Vision. As the meaning mentioned above, it seems quite contradictory with how the chapter flowed. But with how it ended is definitely because of that respective perspective that the Reader has without even thinking to look away from that of theirs and to that of a pilot's perspective.
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