Their first official “date” is not exactly how Jihyo had planned it out for them.
She told Y/n to choose a public place, somewhere that would prove to Sana that Y/n didn’t mind others knowing about their feelings for each other.
They ended up choosing to go to a bookshop instead, and Jihyo literally facepalms when Y/n tells her about their plans.
“Babe, that’s cute and all, but a bookshop... is like, the last place I would’ve chosen to go public with my relationship.”
“We’re not going public.” Y/n sighs. “I just want to… I want to go about it like a normal person would. I asked her out on a date, and she was fine with it. What’s wrong with that?”
“Oh Y/n.” Jihyo starts gathering her things and empties her cup of coffee. “You have so much to learn.”
“Well.” Y/n picks up the cleaning cloth and tray from the table, standing up together with Jihyo. “That’s what I have you for, right?”
“What’s the point if you don’t listen to me?” Jihyo snorts. “I told you to take her to the campus café or the mall or something. Somewhere a lot of people will see you.”
“I didn’t feel comfortable with that.” Y/n mumbles, thinking about how much courage it took her to ask Sana out at all. It felt like she was asking her to be her girlfriend but Sana reassured her that she knew what it meant and that they were just going to hang out together like they would at the spectacle store, just somewhere else instead.
It calmed Y/n down a little, but made her feel guilty at the same time.
It’s something she’s been feeling a lot lately when it comes to Sana; guilt.
“I know.” Jihyo sighs and leans in to give Y/n a hug. “You’re doing good, I’m just joking, you know that right?”
“Yeah.” Y/n walks with her to the door and tries not to roll her eyes when Jihyo sends a wink in Nayeon’s direction.
“Hey, Y/n.” Jihyo stops before she steps out of the door, giving Y/n a warm smile. “You seem a lot better lately, did you notice?”
“Better? In what way?”
“You look a lot more… carefree. Happier.”
Y/n wasn’t aware there had been a change in her demeanour. “I… do?”
“You smile a lot more.” Jihyo shrugs. “I think we both know who’s responsible for that.”
Before Y/n can say anything else, Jihyo leaves the café and Y/n stares at her retreating back with a fuzzy feeling in her chest and only one name in her mind.
“Why are you smiling again?” Nayeon asks with a raised eyebrow when Y/n joins her behind the counter a moment later.
“I’m not.” Y/n denies, but the smile lingers on her face, and so does the gentle throbbing in her chest.
-
It’s already been over two weeks since they told their friends and Y/n has yet to tell Chaeyoung that she’s been lying to her this whole time.
She decides to do it before her first official date with Sana, just so she can tell Sana that she isn’t scared of people knowing about them anymore, and because she wants to start trying to face her fears more.
And coming clean to people about her thoughts and feelings has got to be one of the things Y/n fears the most in her life.
They’re watching a horror movie, Chaeyoung getting the popcorn anywhere but her mouth, and Y/n thinks things haven’t been going so well between them as it is, so she might as well just get it over with.
“I talked to mom today.” Chaeyoung says just as Y/n opens her mouth to tell her.
Y/n closes it again and stares at the demon on the screen for a good minute before she speaks again. “How is she doing?”
Chaeyoung turns to look at her. “She’s okay. She says she’ll make it to my graduation.”
“That’s good.” Y/n nods, clearly seeing the accusation in her sister’s eyes.
“She asked if you’re mad at her.” Chaeyoung mumbles. “She thinks you are.”
“Why would she think that?” Y/n sighs, already tired before the conversation has even started.
“You know how she is.” Chaeyoung frowns. “When you get like this… you know, distant, she thinks it’s her fault. She blames herself and it’s not helping. It’s triggering her panic attacks.”
Y/n keeps looking at her sister with a blank look on her face, not really knowing what to do with the information. “You make it sound like it’s my fault she relapsed.”
Chaeyoung shrugs. “No, but you could try a bit harder to help. She thinks you’re starting to blame her for…” She says carefully, like she’s treading on thin ice. “For the things you went through—”
“I don’t blame her.” Y/n interrupts her harshly, her jaw clenching.
Why does everyone think Y/n is suffering because of her past? Why the hell isn’t anyone just asking her how she feels about it instead of treating the subject like something that needs to be avoided in order for Y/n to hold herself together?
She’s not a ticking time bomb. “I’ve never blamed her. You guys keep thinking that.”
“It wouldn’t hurt you to call her. She’s our mom. When was the last time you talked to her?”
That would be the night after Y/n and Lisa got into that fight. They message each other from time to time but no, Y/n hasn’t made an effort to call her.
“I’m not good at talking.” Y/n shrugs. It’s not exactly a lie, but it’s not the whole truth.
She doesn’t want to talk to her.
Because she’s doing okay, she’s not as much of a mess anymore and she has somewhat of a control over her life and her emotions. She’s feeling okay, and she doesn’t want it to end yet.
It would drag her down with her again, like it always does. Her depression.
That, and she knows her mom always feels worse after talking to Y/n. She’s overheard her saying it to her father once.
And Y/n never said she was a good daughter. That’s Chaeyoung’s job.
“Sometimes I wonder if you’re really the older one here.” Chaeyoung mutters under her breath. Y/n instantly tenses at her sister’s words. Chaeyoung opens her mouth in shock, shaking her head. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that—”
“Yeah, you did.” Y/n sits up and throws the blanket over the back of the couch instead. “I’ll call her tomorrow.”
Chaeyoung’s face falls. “Y/n, please—”
“I lied” Y/n interrupts her once she’s stood up. She takes a deep breath before she says “I like Sana. Not just as a friend.”
Chaeyoung blinks at her with owlish eyes. “You…”
“We’re not… we’re not really dating, but I thought you should know.” She leaves the room, and her face crumples a bit because Chaeyoung’s words hurt more than she’d like to admit.
She takes a cold shower and writes Lisa back who invited her over earlier, and Sana sends her a selfie with a bunny filter while she’s on her way, and somehow it only makes her heart ache more.
-
Lisa drops the screwdriver with a loud whine, falling backwards until she hits the floor as well. “Why do I suck so much at this?”
“You suck at everything.” Y/n is concentrating on reading the instructions for the coffee table they bought for Lisa’s living room after the last one broke.
Lisa still refuses to tell Y/n how it happened, and Y/n is trying to think of ways to get it out of her best friend.
She might threaten to tell Jisoo some really embarrassing stories about her but the thing is, Lisa isn’t one to be easily embarrassed.
Heck, she’d probably be proud of all the stupid decisions she’s made in the past.
“Why are you here anyway?” Lisa asks, sitting up on the floor. “You said no at first.”
Y/n shrugs and places the first pair of legs on the underside of the tabletop where they’re supposed to be according to the instructions. “Aren’t you glad I’m here? You’d be screwed without me.”
“Unlike this piece of shit.” Lisa picks up the screw she’s been wrestling with for the past ten minutes and hurls it across the room.
“We need that later, man. Go pick it up.”
Lisa rolls her eyes and goes to search for it. “Seriously, Y/n/n. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Okay, that sure did not sound okay, buddy.” Lisa drops the screw on Y/n’s lap before sitting down next to her. “Trouble in paradise?”
“It’s got nothing to do with Sana.”
“Why do you automatically assume I’m talking about Sana?”
Y/n glares at her, fighting the urge to wipe that stupid smirk off her best friend’s face.
“Did something happen with your mom, then?” Lisa turns serious again.
“It’s just Chaeyoung.” Y/n shrugs and starts screwing the first leg in its place. “We haven’t been really getting along lately. I don’t know.”
“Why not? That kid adores you.”
“Look, it’s nothing. It’s stupid. Let’s not talk about it.”
“Uhm, no. Let’s.” Lisa snatches the screwdriver from Y/n’s fingers and raises her eyebrows at her. “I’ve been crying about my relationship problem to you for the past two weeks and you’ve not opened your mouth about Sana or anything once. Just spit it out. I want to help.”
Y/n stays silent for a long time before she finally speaks. “I think she feels let down. Or… like I don’t care about our family. About mom. I haven’t really talked to her lately.”
“Why not?”
“Because—” She shrugs, feeling like shit saying it out loud. “Everything’s been going well and I just… Whenever I talk to her I feel miserable. I’m being a fucking asshole, I know, but I hate calling her only to hear her lying to me about her getting better. She’s not. Every time she hears my voice she starts crying.”
Lisa purses her lips and tilts her head. “Y/n/n, you’re not an asshole, okay? You’ve went through a lot of shit because of her—” She stops, her eyes widening. “I mean, fuck, not because of her, but because of the entire situation. It was fucked up. It fucked you up. You really need to stop blaming yourself.”
“My mom gets uncontrollable panic attacks whenever she thinks of it.” Y/n says. “She wouldn’t even be like this if I was never born. No, Lisa, don’t fucking tell me otherwise.” Y/n rushes out when her best friend tries to speak up. “If I was never born she would be healthy and she would be living a nice life instead of being such a damn mess.”
“Hey, Y/n… don’t say that.” Lisa mumbles, her voice shaking a bit. “Yeah, maybe she wouldn’t be depressed if those things didn’t happen, but have you ever asked her how she feels? I’m pretty sure she’d suffer through so much worse than just depression if it meant having you as her daughter in return.”
“Screw a daughter like me.” Y/n picks the screwdriver up again. “She’ll get better again if I stay away.”
“Y/n/n, come on, don’t say that.”
“Whatever.”
“Y/n—”
“Stop!” Y/n’s hand slips and she nearly digs the screwdriver into her hand. “Please just stop. I’m done talking about it. I’ll be fine.”
Lisa blinks at her and slowly picks up the instructions, fiddling with the pages. “No matter what you say; I’m glad you were born. You’re my best friend for a reason. You’re amazing and I wouldn’t want anyone else by my side. Okay. I’m done talking now, please don’t hit me. “
Y/n stops twisting the screwdriver, feeling some of the anger sweep out of her. She looks up at Lisa and instantly feels bad for lashing out at her. “You’re my best friend, too.”
“Fuck” Lisa blinks her eyes a few times. “This just got way too serious.”
“Are you crying?”
“Shut the hell up.”
Y/n laughs and dodges the instruction manual Lisa throws at her. “I won’t tell anyone.”
“Let’s just get this done with before Jisoo gets here.”
-
The way the human mind works is fascinating.
Because when the day arrives, the day of her first “official” date with Sana, Y/n feels more nervous than she’s ever felt in her entire life.
Except for the three seconds right before Y/n kissed Sana in front of everyone.
It’s really stupid, because Y/n has hung out with Sana enough times before for her not to feel so anxious about it anymore, but the fact that they’re hanging out this time with both of them fully aware that it’s a date, is enough for Y/n’s mind to go into mental breakdown mode.
“It’s just Sana.” Y/n mumbles, staring at her pale reflection in the bathroom mirror. She looks down at her contact lens case, and then at her wire-rimmed glasses right next to them and then, instead of going for the lenses like she usually does when she knows she’s going to see Sana, she picks up the glasses.
She pretends she’s not doing it for Sana. Pretends she doesn’t want to make Sana happy by wearing them and tells herself that she does it because her eyes have been really dry and sensitive lately from wearing her contacts so much.
----