It's been a while since Y/n has seen Jihyo, and since she isn't exactly a regular at the café Y/n is a bit surprised to see her stand at the counter that night, asking for a chat with Y/n.
"Here you go." Y/n sets the Iced Americano down on in front of Jihyo before taking a seat on the couch next to her.
"You sure I’m not holding you back from work?" Jihyo asks, sucking her cheeks in as she takes a sip from the coffee through the straw.
"No." There are barely any people left in the café; for some reason, Tuesday nights are their least busy hours of the week, so the tables are practically deserted save for a few couples hidden in the corners to spend some time with each other in secret. "I wasn’t supposed to be working either way, but Nayeon got sick, so."
"Oh, she did?" Jihyo raises her eyebrows. "Is she fine?"
Y/n smiles. "It’s just a cold." She shakes her head, chuckling at Jihyo’s expression. "You still haven’t given up on her?"
"What?" Jihyo keeps acting like she has no idea what Y/n is talking about. "I’m just a concerned friend. I’m completely innocent."
"Ji, whenever you see her you have this predatory smirk on your face and your eyes are glued to her ass—"
"Okay, correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think we’re here to talk about me… or Nayeon’s marvellous butt."
"Yeah." Y/n’s smile slides off her face and she nervously twists her hands together on her lap. "Right."
"Now" Jihyo turns on the couch to face Y/n properly. "Update me on what’s happened since your comic book reading session in Sana’s bedroom."
"Hey— how do you know about that?"
"I was sitting outside?" Jihyo widens her eyes like it’s perfectly obvious. "Momo couldn’t stop smirking after she walked in on you—"
"We were reading."
"Yeah… okay. If that’s what you wanna call it."
"I’m going back to work."
"No, wait. I’ll stop." Jihyo laughs, pulling Y/n back down on the couch. "But on a serious note, what’s up? I can tell something is."
Y/n isn't exactly sure what happens in her brain in that very moment. When she thinks back to it later, she'd like to think it's one of these situations where the awkward protagonist of a story just kind of breaks out of their shell and says fuck it.
"I like Sana." But she’s Y/l/n Y/n, so it’s more like she trips over her feet and cracks her head and all her thoughts sputter out of her. "I like her. Like, a lot. And we kissed. More than once. And I’ve been hanging out with her for a few weeks and we’re not exclusive, not at all, but I like her and I thought I should let you know because no one else knows and I think I’m going insane."
She’s out of breath by the time she stops talking and she’s just kind of staring at Jihyo with wide eyes who has this eerily satisfied expression on her face.
Jihyo slowly brings her Iced America up to her lips, opens her mouth and takes a long, calm sip from the coffee.
"I already know that, Y/n." Jihyo snickers at Y/n’s bewildered expression. "You two aren’t exactly very subtle about it, did you know that? I mean, the others are idiots so you can’t expect them to notice anything, but I’ve known for quite a while."
"Then why… why didn’t you say anything?"
"Because I know this is a big deal for you. And I also know there must be a reason why you guys aren’t exclusive yet, so I thought I’d keep quiet about it and wait for you to approach me. Which you did. And now here we are."
Y/n blinks at her, her heart still racing and then it hits her that she just confessed her feelings for Sana out loud to someone that’s not the awfully familiar silence that surrounds her late at night.
"I think I need to stop it." Y/n mumbles.
"Excuse me? Stop what?"
"Things with Sana."
"What?" Jihyo furrows her eyebrows. "Did you not just tell me that you like Sana?"
"That’s why." Y/n bites down on her lip. "The next logical step would be to start a relationship and I can’t. I can’t possibly be in a relationship, not even… not even with Sana."
"Y/n." Jihyo slowly says. "First of all, this isn’t a romantic movie or one of your novels you read, okay? This is real life. There’s no such thing as logic in love."
Love…
God, no. Hell no—
"And second; what do you mean you can’t be in a relationship? Aren’t you already in some kind of relationship with Sana?"
"But we’re not— we’re not official. She’s not my, like, my… my girlfriend." Just saying it sends chills down her spine, and not the good kind. Y/n feels terrified, for seemingly no reason, but that’s how she feels and it’s horrible.
"Okay, let me get this straight" Jihyo points her index finger at Y/n. "You like Sana, and she likes you. You kiss, and you go on secret dates together, but no one knows about you two and you’re not actually together…?"
It sounds so damn stupid, hearing it out loud. "Basically."
"So, since you’re not together, Sana could technically kiss and sleep with whoever she wants without it being considered cheating."
Y/n gulps, her hands clenching together tighter in her lap. "Yes."
"And Sana is fine with that?"
"I don’t know. I don’t think she’s fine with it, she’s just too nice to say something…"
There’s a long pause, and the happy bubblegum-pop song playing in the café sounds a lot like it’s mocking Y/n’s situation right now.
"Y/n, how is this going to work out?" Jihyo asks, her voice gentle. "Relationships are there to give both sides a sense of security and loyalty. There are rules that should be followed so you don’t end up hurting the other’s feelings or betraying their trust. You and Sana both have feelings for each other, but doing what you guys are doing now… that just can’t end well."
"I know… Ji, I know that." Y/n mumbles miserably. "I’m scared, but I don’t know why and I don’t know how to change it. Remember how I told you that I thought there’s something wrong with me? This is part of the reason why."
"There’s nothing wrong with you." Jihyo pats her knee. "It’s called commitment issues, although I have a feeling yours are a bit more deep-rooted than the usual. But I mean, that’s just what I got from our conversations before."
"I’m sorry for bothering you with this stuff." Y/n rubs her eyes with her hands. "We don’t even know each other that well."
"Come on, I was your first lesbian kiss. That should count for something." Jihyo gives Y/n a big smile that she can’t help but return, no matter the circumstances. "I like talking to you. You’ve got a lot on your mind, and I definitely love listening and giving advice, so I don’t see a problem here."
"Thank you. For uh, listening."
"That’s okay, Y/n, but are we really done here?" Jihyo arches an eyebrow and lowers it again when she doesn’t get an answer. "Let me ask you something: do you want to be with Sana? Yes or no."
"I can’t—"
"No, just answer me. Let’s pretend you’re fine with dating and relationships and all. This is just a theoretical question, so relax. Do you want Sana to be your girlfriend?"
"Of course I do." Y/n answers and her voice shakes a bit, but she means what she says, and it takes her by surprise how easily it slipped out.
Jihyo grins, satisfied and proud and nods her head. "Good. We have to go about this the right way. We can’t just take your fear of relationships away, the only way you can conquer that is by facing it, which would mean you’d have to go out with someone."
"You know, you said you wouldn’t make a good therapist but you really sound like one right now." Y/n mumbles.
"Thanks, but focus." Jihyo taps her fingers against the plastic cup in her hands, her lips pursed. "There are two main problems: One, you’re not ready to be with Sana. Two, Sana won’t wait forever."
Y/n feels her heart plummet to her stomach, and the panic must show on her face.
"I’m sorry Y/n, but I think you’re aware of that too… aren’t you?"
"I am."
"Okay, look. I have a suggestion, but it’s up to you to decide whether you’re ready for that or not. It would make you two a little more exclusive without labelling it as anything."
Y/n gives her a wary look.
"How about you… simply hold her hand, or kiss her cheek when we are around? It’s not much, but at least everyone would know that you two are, you know, something."
She can’t.
There’s no fibre in Y/n’s being that feels capable of such a move.
And she’s about to say that to Jihyo, but she stops herself before she can, because she thinks of Sana.
She thinks about holding her hand and she thinks about Sana smiling at her and kissing her and it’s making her feel warm all over, and the only thing Y/n thinks after that is that she doesn’t want to let Sana down.
More than that, she doesn’t want Sana to grow tired of waiting, and Y/n knows she needs to grow a pair if she doesn’t want that to happen.
"I’ll do it." She says, and watches Jihyo nod her head like a proud dad.
"Good girl." Jihyo reaches out to pat Y/n’s head.
"Don’t ever say that again." She grunts and dodges the touch, Jihyo merely laughing at her reaction.
Y/n tries really hard to ignore how her body just reacted to the affectionate touch and the praise. She knows it’s an issue, has known it ever since the feeding incident with Sana, but it can wait for now.
-
The following days, she once again starts drowning herself in revisions and books and showing the new employees at the café around, which is a lot more stressful than it sounds because most of them are freshman at college and way too eager to do well, which results in one of them dropping a coffee on a customer and another one almost killing this girl who had a hazelnut allergy and somehow received a latte with hazelnut milk in it.
It’s been a stressful week to say the least, and by the time the weekend comes around, Y/n has almost completely forgotten about what she told Jihyo.
That is until they announce their plans in the group chat, and Y/n just kind of sits there, frozen on the couch with her phone in her hands and a mildly concerned looking Chaeyoung glancing at her from the other side.
"What’s with that look?" Chaeyoung asks and Y/n quickly closes the chat and shoots up from the couch.
"Forgot to hand in a paper. It’s due tonight." She lies and rushes into her room, where she proceeds to press her back against the door and takes a deep breath.
There’s a barbecue tomorrow.
It’s also Sana’s birthday.
Everyone is going.
Her phone buzzes in her hands; a text message from Jihyo.
From: Jihyo
> Tomorrow, it’s going down ;)
Y/n doesn’t reply but all she can think is that if anything goes down tomorrow, it’s her.
-
There’s a lot of ways Y/n imagined it to happen.
She thought she’d stand next to Sana and just grab her hand, lace their fingers together and wait for the others to notice it.
Maybe she would’ve done something corny like put her head on Sana’s shoulder, or like Jihyo suggested, go even further and kiss her cheek when everyone was paying attention.
It’s been eating her up for too long, her mind coming up with different kinds of scenarios where Sana pushes her away, or where their friends react in a bad way, or how she might ruin things by not asking Sana for permission beforehand.
The barbecue is at a park and there are way more people around than she expected there to be, and that doesn’t help with her nerves either.
The music is too loud, it’s dark and smells of weed and beef and alcohol and everyone is already way too drunk by the time her and her friends arrive.
Sana is sitting on a picnic table, her feet resting on the seats and there are people sitting left and right of her that Y/n doesn’t recognize. She spots Y/n first, and a smile spreads on her face before she’s already up and pushing through the crowd to reach Y/n.
They stand still like that, and Sana must be doing it on purpose because she looks so, so good tonight, her hair pushed back and her face illuminated by the huge campfire in the middle of the park.
"You’re late." Sana says, quiet enough so that only Y/n hears it. Not that anyone is paying attention; their friends are too busy hugging the living daylights out of each other, acting as if they haven’t seen each other in over a year.
"Seokmin couldn’t decide what to wear." Y/n shrugs, her heart hammering in her chest, like she’s about to explode, like she’s keeping a secret from Sana — which she is, in a way. "Happy birthday." She adds, sounding out of breath from how nervous she is.
Sana pulls her into a hug, nothing that is too intimate, but she still buries her nose in Y/n’s neck, still whispers a thank you there than sends shivers down Y/n’s spine. Y/n closes her eyes and grips Sana’s dress, taking in her scent and hoping to calm down but it’s only making it worse.
Having Sana so close definitely isn’t calming her down at all.
"Sana! Birthday girl, come here!" Jeongyeon shouts and a second later Sana is pulled out of Y/n’s arms and into a huge group hug instead.
Jihyo gives Y/n a reassuring smile from afar, and Y/n takes a deep breath.
Right.
She can do it.
-
It’s an hour later, and Y/n can’t do it.
Whenever she tries to approach Sana, someone else starts talking to her. And it’s not just someone, it's either a pretty girl or a buff guy, and then it’s a pretty girl again, and then it’s Jisoo introducing one of her friends to Sana and Sana has been chatting with him for the past twenty minutes and there’s just nothing Y/n can do.
"You know, take your time and all, but do it while everyone’s still sober enough to remember it tomorrow." Jihyo appears next to her, leaning in close to talk into Y/n’s ear like she’s either the angel or the devil sitting on Y/n’s shoulders, constantly telling her what to do.
"She’s busy."
"Oh, come on." Jihyo rolls her eyes. "Stop making up excuses and do what you have to do. I can distract her, if you want."
"Oh, no you won’t!" Jisoo suddenly pushes her small frame between them both, stabbing a finger into Jihyo’s chest. "Stay away from them. God knows how long it took me to get them talking."
Jihyo scoffs at her. "Why on earth are you trying to set Sana up with one of your little friends all the time?"
"Because" She takes a deep breath, her shoulders sagging afterwards. "Sana needs it, okay? She hasn’t been on a date in over a year. I know Sana. She’s feeling lonely but for some reason she just keeps rejecting everyone that even mildly shows interest in her."
"Yeah." Jihyo glances at Y/n, a smirk playing on her lips. "I wonder why."
Jisoo sighs and shrugs her shoulders. "I just want her to be happy. She seems to like him, don’t you think? Suho. They look good together."
Y/n slowly looks at them and sees how Sana laughs at something Suho said, probably a stupid joke he just told her, and yeah, they do look good together.
She gulps and looks at the ground again, something lodging itself in her throat.
"I don’t think they fit." Jihyo muses and while Y/n appreciates her help she knows she’s lying. "Sana looks pretty bored, if you ask me." Jihyo adds, louder this time, to get Y/n’s attention.
Y/n looks up at her, sees her move her eyes towards Sana almost urgently and Y/n follows her line of sight, her eyes immediately locking with Sana’s.
Sana is looking at her while Suho is saying something to her, and she nods her head, looks at him to quickly reply before she goes back to staring at Y/n.
It’s like Sana is trying to tell her something really important right now, or maybe she’s trying to get a question across, Y/n can’t tell.
A few seconds pass where Y/n just stares back at her, and then Sana’s jaw sets and she looks downright sad. She looks away, her attention back on Suho, and Y/n’s heart suddenly slows down dramatically.
That heroic fuck it moment Y/n was thinking about a few days ago - the one she kind of messed up with Jihyo at the café - that moment happens the second Y/n sees the disappointment in Sana’s eyes, when she realizes Sana isn’t going to stick around forever and wait for her to get her shit together.
And yeah, Y/n might’ve thought she would do something harmless like hold her hand or sling an arm around her shoulder, but one second she’s busy counting to three and the next she’s standing right in front of Sana, both her and Suho giving her confused looks.
Sana opens her mouth but before she gets to speak Y/n pulls her down by her neck and kisses her.
Y/n kisses Sana, in front of everyone, in the middle of a huge crowd, and her hand shakes on Sana’s nape and her chest is heaving a bit and this is probably the craziest thing she’s ever done.
She faintly hears their friends screaming, first Lisa, then Seokmin, then Dahyun.
"Oh my god! What the fuck is happening?!""
"Pay up bitches! You owe me ten bucks!"
"Y/n is lesbian?!"
She hears them but their words don’t really make sense. Y/n pulls away a little, in desperate need of air, and Sana stares at her with wide eyes and flushed cheeks.
"Y/n…" She starts, their faces still close enough for them to whisper. "I thought you didn’t want—"
"I want them to know." Y/n stutters, about to pull her arm back but Sana quickly shakes her head and pulls her closer, their noses nudging together.
"Are you sure?"
"Look, if I think about this too much I will really freak out so can we not—"
Sana smiles, so wide Y/n worries it will split her face apart, and then she pulls Y/n into a hug, one that’s so intimate no one watching might mistake it for anything else but what it really is, which is Sana kissing Y/n’s neck and Y/n hiding her relieved smile in Sana’s shoulder.
"Y/l/n Y/n come here I will fucking whoop your skinny ass—" She hears Lisa shout from somewhere, but someone probably shuts her up because it’s followed by a very unwomanly screech right after she’s cut off.
Sana grabs Y/n’s hand and leads her away from the crowd before their friends are on them, away from the campfire and towards the parking lot.
"H-Hey, wait a second." Y/n tugs at Sana’s hand when she starts guiding them away. She takes them to Lisa’s car, being the designated driver for the night, and unlocks it to grab Sana’s present from inside. "Happy birthday. Again." She quickly presses it into Sana’s hands.
"You got me a present?"
"Well. It’s your birthday."
Sana looks up from the little wrapped up box in her hands, and Y/n feels overwhelmed by the warm look in Sana’s eyes. Too warm, and too intimate.
God.
Y/n did that.
She actually did it.
Why isn’t she freaking out?
"It’s nothing huge." She quickly says before she can start having a nervous breakdown. She doesn’t feel all that anxious.
Y/n just feels relieved, and she feels nervous but like, the good kind, and Sana is staring at her and Y/n can’t really help but stare back and she feels like she’s in… like maybe she might be…
"You already gave me the best present in the world." Sana bites down on her lip and her eyes are actually shining, like she’s radiating happiness. "I can’t believe you did that."
"Me neither." Y/n breathes, chuckling nervously. "But I— I would do it again. For you."
Sana’s lips part, and she’s blushing again and Y/n kind of likes how their roles seem reversed for once. "I’m like, so happy right now, like this is the best birthday ever but Y/n, you’re— you’re okay, right? I get that you want to make me happy but I don’t want it to be at your expense."
"I’m fine. I think." Y/n shrugs. "If we take it slow and just… no labels. For now. Please. I’m sorry, but I just don’t think— "
"It’s fine." Sana stops her. "We don’t have to be anything. But I can... I can hold your hand, and kiss you and stuff, when other people are around, yeah?"
Y/n nods, feeling her smile falter at Sana’s question - because Sana shouldn’t have to ask a question like that. She shouldn’t sound so hopeful, or anxious, like Y/n might change her mind.
This wasn’t Y/n being fair to her, this was Y/n giving her a taste of something she’s not sure she’ll ever be ready to give to Sana.
"Open your present." Y/n says, not wanting to ruin the mood with her sudden thoughts. They’re still there, nagging at the back of her mind, but Sana’s smile is so beautiful right now and Y/n wants to focus on that tonight.
Sana does, and she laughs once she sees what it is, but she’s also trying not to let the secret nerd living inside of her break free at the sight of the present, Y/n can clearly tell by the excited glint in her eyes. "You were actually reading what I texted you?"
Y/n nods. "You didn’t get it in the meantime, right?"
"No." Sana shakes her head, looking at the action figure in her hands. "But that was months ago when I told you. And you hated me back then."
"I never hated you."
"But you didn’t like me."
"I didn’t know you well enough. And I was a little scared of you."
"Scared?" Sana laughs. "Of me? I’m like a human puppy, what’s there to be scared of?"
"You’re intimidating, Sana. You might not realize it."
"Well… but you like me now, right?"
"I wouldn’t have gone to a dozen comic book stores to find that action figure for you if I didn’t."
Sana smiles. "How romantic."
"I’m trying." Y/n laughs, and Sana laughs too, and it would be really nice if things could be this normal and careless forever. But knowing Y/n and her messed-up brain, it’s only a matter of time before reality foils her.
"I know." Sana steps closer and grabs Y/n’s hand, lacing their fingers together. "Let’s go back before they come here."
"Let’s not." Y/n mumbles, following Sana out of the parking lot. If Sana notices how tightly Y/n is holding her hand, she thankfully doesn’t mention it.
"Don’t worry, I’ll protect your skinny ass."
----