Winnie wasn't sure how to feel.
Her father was gone.
She knew she should feel relieved, finally free from his threats. But she could feel a small sense of grief wash over her as the group walked down from the ship.
So many people had died because of his actions. So many had suffered, herself included.
So why was she ... upset?
She walked a way behind the others as she tried to reason with herself and to process everything that had happened just hours ago.
She was part of the Fold. She contained the ability to absorb it and keep the darkness inside of her. It was why her father trained her the way he did when she was a child. So that he could use her to transport the Fold around to other parts of the world, unleashing its hell on anyone. And Winnie would be the one to do so.
But whilst she may not have to worry about that anymore considering her fathers end, the Fold was still very much alive.
Including the parts of it that were festering inside of her.
From in front of her she heard the occasional whisper from Alina or Jesper asking the others if they should check on her, but they were always met with a strict no from Kaz.
He knew that Winnie liked to be left alone when she got in this state. When she was processing things and trying to organise her mind.
But the second Kaz departed to go searching for clothes that Alina and Winnie could change into, Alina walked over to the shadow summoner.
"What's on your mind?" Alina asked.
"What isn't on my mind", Winnie said trying to muster a small smile.
"We did everything we could in there."
"I know. But it still wasn't enough", Winnie said as she turned her head to look at the Fold.
"We will take it down", Alina said confidently.
Winnie nodded slowly.
She felt something begin to turn inside of her at the mention of destroying the Fold.
She was a part of it. Even more so than before.
What does that mean?
If the Fold is destroyed, will she be too?
Great, just another heap of problems to figure out.
"Oh, and I told you so, by the way", Alina said.
Winnie furrowed her eyebrows and looked at Alina.
"What are you talking about?"
"That you weren't alone. That there were people who cared for you", Alina said as she looked ahead to Jesper and Inej who were walking with Mal in front of them.
"They all almost died. By the time I'm done yelling at them for being so stupid they'll wish they had never come in the first place", Winnie said.
Alina laughed softly. "Okay, okay. But after that. You'll thank them, right?"
"I might do", Winnie said with a genuine smile this time.
"Does basic human emotion not exist in Ketterdam?" Alina asked.
"Not one bit", Winnie said immediately.
"Saints, you're almost as cold as your father", Alina said, immediately regretting her words. "I'm so sorry, Winnie I –"
"No, it's okay. He's gone now. I need to push aside all the emotions I placed around him and focus on moving on. We have more important things to worry about."
"Well, it sounds like Ketterdam is the best place to do that."
"It would be, if I was going back there", Winnie said.
"What do you mean?"
"I'm not going back to Ketterdam. I have it on pretty good authority that I'm not exactly ... wanted there anymore. Not to mention I'm needed elsewhere. With you. You can't take down the Fold on your own", Winnie explained.
"What on earth makes you think you're not wanted in Ketterdam? I've seen what your criminal friends have done for you. They'll be heartbroken if you leave."
"Not all of them", Winnie said quietly.
"Listen. I'm not going to turn down help from the strongest and most badass summoner I know. Saints know I need you. But the Fold is a danger to you more than it is to anyone. Whilst your father may be gone, I have a feeling that your healing process doesn't involve being around the hell he created. Your friends need you too, Winnie. And I know I can take on the Fold on my own once I have more strength. You've fought this battle by yourself for years. It's about time you let someone else take the wheel."
"They don't need me. But I will admit, being as far away from that as possible will be helpful."
"That's the spirit", Alina said as she wrapped an arm around Winnie's shoulder.
"But promise me that if you ever need me. For anything, and I mean anything. You come and find me. I'll be there", Winnie told Alina.
"Oh, you can count on it", Alina said as she hugged Winnie in tightly as they reached the spot Mal, Jesper, Inej and Zoya had found to start a fire.
"How are you holding up, blondie?" Jesper said as Alina let her go and walked back over to Mal.
"Never better", Winnie breathed out. "What I wouldn't give for some valdrien right about now."
"You need to cut back on those. I mean seriously. I know they're non-addictive but I'm starting to think you're single-handedly changing science with the number you go through", Jesper said.
"Should you really be lecturing me on addictions?" Winnie said with wide eyes as she took a seat on one of the tree logs.
Jesper cleared his throat and dropped the conversation.
The two sat down on one of the tree logs as Mal started lighting a fire. Zoya had sat down to Winnie's right whilst Inej sat next to Alina who had Mal to her left.
Winnie shifted her body into Jesper and laid her weight onto his chest, her head placed on his shoulder.
Jesper knew the poor girl was exhausted and since he barely felt her weight against his body, he could only assume she hadn't eaten for days.
He bought his arm around her, pulling her in closer so she could rest comfortably in his arms.
Winnie watched as the flames of the fire in front of her danced as they lulled her off into a world of her own.
She could hear the Fold shifting, the monsters growling, her father screaming.
She could feel her chest burn ever so slightly where the shadows had entered her system.
She could also feel throbs of pain up her arm from where she had cut out the antler that bound her to her father.
With that reminder she bought her arm out of the comfortable warmth of her black cloak and held it up in front of her.
Jesper bought the arm that was laid across her torso up to bring his hand to her wound.
"How on earth did you get that?" he asked.
"It doesn't matter. I'm going to need something to stitch it, the wound is too deep."
"Yeh. It'll leave a pretty big scar, you know", Jesper said.
"The bigger the better", Winnie said with a small smile.
"You know it, blondie", he whispered into her ear.
She used her free arm to slightly elbow him in the chest giving him the hint to shut up.
Winnie had drifted off whilst leaning against Jesper but was awoken when he gently nudged her so he could stand.
As she peeled open her eyes she saw why.
Kaz was walking back with a sack slung around his shoulder.
As he got closer Winnie could see him almost glaring in her and Jesper's direction.
Jesper stood and Winnie sat up straight, bringing her hands to her eyes to rub them open.
Kaz handed Jesper the sack with a little too much force.
"Step one for any good plan, a change of clothes", Jesper said as held the sack out in Mal and Alina's direction.
Mal stood to take it from him and shot him a cautious look.
"It's worked for me", Jesper said.
"He's right. Playing dress-up accounts for most of our success during jobs", Winnie said as she stood up herself.
Alina stood with help from Inej.
"Thank you", Mal said.
"So ... will you still be trying to kidnap me?" Alina asked.
Kaz tilted his head to his left to meet Winnie's gaze and gave her a glare which said you told her?
Winnie narrowed her eyes and nodded her head in Alina's direction to prompt him to reassure her that wasn't going to happen.
"Of course not", Jesper said instead.
"Have you found religion, too?" Kaz said to Jesper earning an eye roll from Winnie.
"No, it's just ... I'm exhausted. Besides, it would be bad form to kidnap someone after they saved your life. Not to mention Winnie would skin us all alive before we could reach her", Jesper explained.
"You got that right", Winnie said sternly as she kept her eyes on Kaz.
Kaz shifted his gaze from Winnie back to Alina.
"You are quite valuable, you know?" he said.
Alina started walking towards him.
"So is this", she said as she pulled out the decorative bejewelled headpiece she had been dressed in.
Kaz took the black and gold gemmed piece and looked it over carefully.
"And this", Winnie said as she pulled out the diamond clip that held the strands of her hair back.
Kaz's eyes met hers and she raised one of her eyebrows.
It was a face off.
Winnie knew the temptation of one million kruge would easily sway the already dubious moral compass of Dirtyhands and so he would need something worth more to push him in the other direction.
He slowly reached out his other gloved hand and took the clip from her before looking it over next to Alina's headpiece.
"I've seen both of these in portraits of the Queen in the Little Palace", he said.
"It's not a gift", Alina said. "It's to keep quiet about who I am and where I go from here."
Kaz briefly shifted his eyes back to Winnie who was responding with her business expression that told Kaz there was no negotiating.
"You don't trust that she'll keep us in check", Kaz said to Alina, referring to Winnie.
"Oh, I know she will. This is to make sure she doesn't have to. She already has too much on her mind. Besides, one day she'll leave you in Ketterdam. Depending on when I'll need her help with the Fold, it could be sooner rather than later. And when she does this will be my insurance that you'll keep your mouth shut", Alina stated.
Winnie let a small smirk fall across her lips.
She had never had anyone look out for her like Alina did. Standing up to Kaz Brekker isn't something anyone wanted to do, but here Alina was. Putting her foot down for her.
That's my girl.
Kaz raised his chin and took in a short breath.
Winnie prepared herself to step in as she didn't know what Kaz would say to someone trying to back him into a corner. She had witnessed the things he had said to her when she did, and it was never pretty.
To her shock, Kaz tucked both jewelled pieces into his coat pocket.
"The deal is the deal", he said as he held out his hand for Alina to shake.
Alina looked to Winnie who nodded her head to tell her to take the deal.
The sun summoner understood and shook Kaz's hand, sealing in the terms.
Winnie couldn't help but smile. Kaz had let Alina go. Let the job go. Let the million kruge go.
What on earth was he thinking? It wasn't like him at all. But Winnie wasn't about to say a word that might make him change his mind about going after Alina.
Alina gestured for Winnie to follow her as she turned back to Mal so they could go and change in private into the clothes Kaz had acquired for them.
As Winnie passed across Kaz she looked at him with gratitude and a small smile.
He met her gaze and nodded as if to say you're welcome.
__________<>__________
Winnie joined Alina and Mal and they walked into the woods where Mal stood watch with his back turned as the two girls took off their cloaks and dresses.
Alina opened the sack and pulled out a heap of clothes. As she ruffled through them, she laughed.
"He's not really a big fashion guy, is he? Look at this stuff!" Alina joked.
Winnie laughed as she pulled her dress down.
"Knowing Kaz he probably grabbed the first two dresses he saw and shoved them in there", she replied.
"I would beg to differ", Alina said as she held up a smaller bag which she had opened.
"What's in that?" Winnie said as she grabbed one of the dresses from the pile.
"It's for you", Alina said with a small smirk.
Winnie furrowed her eyebrows and reached over to take the small bag from Alina.
She tipped the contents out onto the floor and a few items fell out.
There were supplies for her wound. A needle and thread to stitch it, rubbing alcohol to disinfect and some cloth to wrap it up when she was done.
There was also a small wooden box which Winnie picked up and slid open. It was full of cigarettes and matches.
Valdrien.
A small smile crept on her face as she looked at her cigarettes.
"Brekker", she whispered.
"He's just a big softie, isn't he?" Alina said as she pulled on the other dress Kaz had put in the sack.
Winnie closed the box and placed all the items back in the small bag before beginning to do up her dress.
"Believe me, he's not. He's just a thief who couldn't keep his fingers still and so took unnecessary things", she said.
"Not unnecessary. You need those things to help your wound. That must've hurt, by the way. The antler was really in there", Alina said.
"It could've waited until I got somewhere that had the supplies", Winnie offered.
"But he didn't think it could. Because he cares about you. Which, I must say is wild. Kaz doesn't strike me as someone who has the ability to care about anything."
"Oh he does. Himself and money. Those are the only things Kaz Brekker cares about."
"Well, that bag says otherwise", Alina said suggestively.
Winnie had finished putting on her navy dress and leaned down to pull on a different black clock whilst she shook her head in disagreement.
"His own words will back me up pretty well, I think you'll find", Winnie said as she wrapped the cloak around her shoulders.
"And what words are those, exactly?" Alina said as she finished doing up her burgundy dress and reached for a brown cloak.
Kaz's hurtful words entered Winnie's mind.
I have no use for you if your shadow summoning abilities are off the table.
You do this, and you're as good as dead to me.
We no longer need her.
Tell me you hate me.
"Just trust me. Kaz's only interest in me is for my shadow summoning abilities. It's the reason he hired me the in first place and it's the only reason he keeps me around. Without them, I'm no longer of use to him. Think of me as his investment", Winnie said with a twinge of sadness at her words.
It hurt to admit, but she knew it to be true.
Kaz only kept her safe because she was valuable to him. But only for what she could do. There was nothing else. And she knew better now than to try and believe otherwise.
"Then answer me this. Why do you stay around him? I mean it sounds like he treats you like the dirt under his shoe, and you've been treated that way your whole life. You deserve better", Alina said as she pulled on her cloak.
Winnie thought carefully about her words. She had to stay around when she was in Ketterdam because he offered her protection. She then stayed because she foolishly thought she cared for him, and he cared for her in return. She then stayed because she had found a life for herself there. Friends, business, happiness.
But everything was different now.
After the drama with the Fold everyone would want her head considering she was a shadow summoner. She would get the blame for what happened. Ketterdam would be too dangerous for her.
And this time she wouldn't have Kaz to protect her. Not only did he not care about her enough, but she also wasn't under his employment anymore.
She has the means and the motive to move on.
So why didn't she want to? Why did she want to stay in Ketterdam?
"I ... I don't know", Winnie said as she pulled her old cloak into the empty sack.
Winnie didn't see as a small smile of realisation came on Alina's face.
"I should move on. I should just come with you", Winnie said sadly.
Alina put her hands over Winnie's to take the sack to put her own cloak into.
Their eyes met.
"I think you should stay in Ketterdam", Alina said.
"But you just said –", Winnie started.
"I know what I said. But for some unknown reason you found peace there. You found people who care for you there. You need more of that in your life, Winnie. You've suffered through so much that when you have an opportunity to be happy you need to take it."
Winnie took in a deep breath and stood up, grabbing her old dress to fold in her arms.
"But what about you. The Fold. It's not over", Winnie said.
"Taking down the Fold is my battle. Yours now is with yourself. To heal", Alina said as she stood up herself.
Winnie nodded slowly and walked forward to pull Alina into a hug.
"Remember what I said. You'll know where I am and how to reach me. Anything comes up, you let me know", she whispered and felt Alina nod into her shoulder as she wrapped her arms around herself.
She heard leaves rustling next to them and they both lifted their heads to see Mal walking towards them.
"Don't stop on my account", he said.
The two girls laughed as Alina stepped forwards and hit Mal on the arm.
Winnie smiled at the interaction. She knew that Alina was in the hands of someone who could try and protect her and who cared for her. It made it slightly easier to go the other way.
The three walked back towards the rest of the group who were all sat in silence around the fire awaiting their return.
Mal was carrying the sack with the two girls cloaks in his hand whilst Alina had both their folded dresses in hers, and Winnie was carrying the small bag Kaz had stolen for her.
As they approached, the others raised their gazes to acknowledge their presence.
Alina stepped forward and tossed the dresses into the fire causing them to set alight.
"I didn't expect them to burn at all. But it can be destroyed in the end. Just like him", Mal said.
Alina and Winnie shared a look before both turned their attention towards the Fold.
Winnie couldn't keep her gaze on the intimidating wall of shadows and so she began walking back over to where Kaz, Jesper and Inej were sat on the other side of the fire.
Alina took a few steps towards the Fold and Mal followed her.
Winnie sat down next to Kaz and rested the small bag in her lap.
She pulled out a cigarette and lit it with one of the matches before taking in a deep breath letting the smoke enter her system.
She felt as the uneasy turning in her stomach from her darkness begun to settle.
"Thank you", she whispered.
Kaz lowered his head and smiled ever so slightly away from anyone's eyes.
"I have to go", Zoya said as she stood up and walked around the fire.
"Wait. You can't go back into the Fold", Inej said as she stood up herself.
"To Novokribirsk. I had family in that city. I need to know how much of it is lost", Zoya said.
Kaz stood up next to Winnie.
"It's dangerous to go looking for the dead. What you see may haunt you for the rest of your days", Kaz said with a tone that hinted he had experience in the matter.
"Not going will haunt me more", Zoya said.
Winnie stood and walked over to her, as did Alina.
"Neither of you can stay in Ravka. The Apparat will try and keep his power. Blame this on all of us. On you most of all", Zoya said as she looked at Winnie. "The people will turn on Grisha again. You need to find new allies."
Alina pulled Zoya into a hug. "Then I'll come back and reclaim our country."
"I still don't like you... but I'm grateful for you. So remember this. Saints become martyrs before they get to be heroes", Zoya said to Alina as she pulled away from the hug before turning her attention to Winnie.
"You I like. So try and stay out of danger. What your father did to you is beyond unforgivable. But the war of your father isn't yours to bear. Remember that."
Winnie pulled Zoya into a hug of her own.
"I hope to see you again", Winnie whispered.
Zoya pulled away from Winnies embrace. "Stay alive. Both of you."
"They'll have to get through me first", Mal said.
"Us too", Jesper chimed in.
"You need more than bullets and bravado to survive the people hunting you now", Zoya said to the two girls disapprovingly before turning and walking back to the demolished city.
Winnie took Alina's hand in her own.
"She'll be fine. She's as tough as they come", the shadow summoner said.
"As are we", said the sun summoner.
Winnie gave her a small smile before resting her head on Alina's shoulder, feeling Alina place her head on top of her own.
"It's a two-day walk to Os Kervo from here, given our condition", Kaz said which caused Winnie to remove herself from Alina and go to pick up her small bag.
"Two days as the crow walks", Jesper said.
"We can smuggle ourselves onto a ship to Ketterdam from there", Kaz continued whilst looking to Winnie for any sign of confirmation that she was coming with them.
Winnie quickly glanced away and lent down to pick up her bag before helping Jesper and Inej put out the fire.
Mal and Alina walked at the front of the group with Jesper and Inej engaged in conversation in the middle whilst Winnie and Kaz trailed at the back.
Winnie slowed her pace to keep in time with Kaz's limp, but she knew that he must be walking slowly for a reason considering sometimes he could be faster than herself despite his cane.
"You berated me for letting her go, and now that's what you're doing. What's your angle?" Winnie asked him.
"I don't have a death wish", Kaz responded keeping his gaze on the path in front of them.
Winnie recalled back to the threat she made to him back in the bar before her father took her.
If you want Alina, you'll have to go through me.
"I find that hard to believe considering you boarded the skiff completely exposed going into the Fold", Winnie said.
"You were on it", Kaz said quickly. "Also, it was our only option to get back through considering Arken blew up his own train."
"That little bastard", Winnie said with a small chuckle.
"Those gemstones on the pieces Alina and I gave you. I want to use one to clear the books at the Menagerie", Winnie stated as she looked at Inej.
"Making deals so soon?" Kaz said.
"It's not a deal. You'll do it anyway", Winnie said.
Kaz knew she was right. Besides the fact that it was Inej, a useful and loyal friend to him, Tante Heleen currently had his deed to the Crow Club and the other offer she proposed to Kaz was to trade Inej for Winnie and Kaz would give Heleen each and every gemstone if it meant stopping that from happening.
"Somehow you've gotten even cockier, Marth", Kaz said.
"And yet I'm not even close to being on your level", she said in her signature tone Kaz knew was intended to wind him up.
"You'll learn. Cockiness can be extremely useful in the Barrel, if you know when to use it", Kaz said. He intentionally bought up the Barrel to push Winnie into letting him know what her plan was. He had a feeling that her answer wasn't going to be the one he wanted to hear.
Winnie stayed silent and let her eyes trail over to Alina. She knew why Kaz had mentioned the Barrel.
"She needs my help more than you do", Winnie said softly.
"Yes, but we do need you", Kaz said as he stopped walking and turned to face Winnie.
The shadow summoner stopped in her tracks and turned her head to face him.
"I need you."
Winnie took a step towards him, searching his eyes for any hint of dishonesty.
She couldn't find any.
"Prove it", she whispered.
Kaz knew what he needed to do. What he wanted to do.
But he couldn't.
"You'll have to stay in Ketterdam for that", he said.
Winnie felt her heart drop.
"And why should I? Ketterdam will pose a threat to me now more than ever after what my father had me do on that ship."
"Ketterdam was always a threat to you. But I can protect you", Kaz said taking a small step in towards her.
"So you can keep me in your clutches. To use me for my abilities. I've spent my entire life being controlled by the likes of men with a darkness they push onto me."
Kaz bit his tongue. She was so close from slipping out of his grip for good. He could see it in her eyes.
She wanted to leave. To be free. It was selfish of him to want her to stay. Especially considering why she thought he wanted her to stay.
She believed that he only saw her as a pawn in his game. It was far from the truth. But how could he blame her? He had never really shown her how he truly felt.
Because it scared him. He couldn't have such a weakness. Especially not going back to Ketterdam. Especially not when that very weakness was in such danger. He didn't know what it would mean if he accepted what he felt for her and if he let her know it.
Would it mean more danger for them both?
Her leaving was an inevitability. He didn't have the time to despair over her missing presence. Keeping her around would only make her leaving harder.
His mind and heart were divided.
Mind being the one spurting logic and reasoning.
Let her go. It will provide a solution to all this turmoil and confusion. It will rid you of the weakness she brings upon you. Now is the best time to push her away. She already believes you don't want her around. She'll take her leave and move on. It's best for everyone that she does.
Heart being the one fighting to be heard.
Tell her how you truly feel about her. She'll stay in Ketterdam. With you. She'll be yours to cherish, to hold, to protect.
But no matter how hard his heart fought, Kaz Brekker was a man of logic.
"You're right. You deserve your freedom. Take it."
Winnie averted her gaze as she took a step away.
"I have important business to attend to in Ketterdam. After that, we'll see."
There was defeat and despair lingering in her tone.
She knew what answer her heart wanted to hear. But her mind knew it was an answer she was never going to get.
She recited her promises over and over again in her head as she stepped back from her greatest desire.
I will no longer love Kaz Brekker.
"I know not what you think of me, Brekker. Perhaps I will never know. But I do know one thing. That somewhere inside of you, you hold the ability to care about something other than yourself and your kruge. It is one of my greatest wishes to see it come to light one day."
Kaz felt his heart burn as he listened to her words.
"I don't know what lies ahead of me. What challenges I will face. How many times my life is to be put in danger. But I know there is a timer on my survival just as there is one on yours. Don't let it run out before you decide to become a man instead of a devil."
She turned away to join Jesper and Inej, leaving Kaz to sit with her statement.
Winnie leaving was one thing. No matter where she was, he could find her. He knew he would convince himself that she was away living happily, in the arms of another man who could do and say what he couldn't. It would hurt, but he has felt worse pain.
The pain that comes from death. The death of someone that you love.
With Winnie hinting towards her own, it struck something inside of Kaz.
He had never loved someone since Jordie. Losing him bought on a pain that he had suffered from every day. One that he had taken extra caution to avoid feeling ever again. To stop himself from loving another.
But his heart had betrayed him.
And how could he let her die without telling her the truth?
With her father gone, Kaz had believed she would be safer. Alina seemed capable of taking charge in bringing down the Fold. Winnie's involvement seemed to disappear.
But there was something hidden in her words.
An emphasis on the timer on her life. It was as though she knew it was already running out.
It was then he realized something.
She knew she wasn't out of the woods just yet. Why? She would never tell him. Her pride was too stubborn.
It was as though she were begging him to be honest with her. To say the words he wanted to say before it was too late. To do the things he wanted to do.
The pain he would feel having to touch her, to kiss her, to be closer with her, it made his heart beat faster.
But the pain he would feel from losing her without having done so would be even worse.
======\_(._.)_/======
I also hate this lol <3