Sana tells Y/n to drive to the lookout of the city which earns her another skeptical look from Y/n because the lookout is only a few minutes away from the graveyard.
“I can’t shake the feeling that you want to murder me tonight.” Y/n mumbles after parking the car, shivering against the cold air when she gets out.
Sana puts her beanie back on and rolls her eyes. “I like having you around way too much to do that.”
The lookout is empty, of course it is — it’s a Wednesday night and no sane person would come up here willingly so late at night.
“Your shirt’s all stained.” Y/n points at Sana’s white shirt sweatshirt is covered in red and pink streaks.
Sana sits down on the grass. “Yeah, that wasn’t very smart.” The cherries fall into her lap when she starts dusting off her shirt and Y/n smiles because even her hands are stained at a few spots.
“You have to pour boiling water over it. Or use vinegar.”
Y/n sits down next to her. It’s been a while since she came up here; they used to come here a lot after going out, sitting on the rocks at the edge of the lookout to watch the lights of the city and question their existence together with Lisa.
“How do you just know those things?” Sana whines.
“It’s called google. You should try it some time.” It’s mostly called being forced by circumstances for Y/n, having to wash Chaeyoung’s clothes when her mom was… unable to do it. But she doesn’t mention that.
Sana snorts at her sarcasm and pushes Y/n away by her shoulder, and Y/n laughs at the pout on Sana’s face.
The grass is a bit damp but not really enough to wet their clothes. Y/n huddles deeper into her jacket because while it’s technically already spring here in the city, the weather is still frosty in the early hours of the mornings and chilly at night. The lights look prettier tonight, or maybe that’s just because Y/n is up here completely sober for the first time.
Sana hands her a cherry and Y/n takes it. “Shouldn’t we wash those? You know, pesticides and stuff?”
“Nah, don’t worry. That bastard’s an organic farmer.” Sana pops a cherry into her mouth and spits out the stone. It lands a few feet away from them, disappearing somewhere in the grass.
“That might grow into an actual cherry tree.”
“That would be awesome.”
It’s silent between them for a moment and Y/n listens to the noises of the city, mostly just the engines of cars, dogs barking, music playing from open stores.
“Are you going to tell me what makes you steal from him? Every week?” Y/n finally asks, leaning back on her hands.
Sana purses her lips, which turns into a pout after a moment. “That farmer killed a bunch of baby kittens a few months back.”
“What?” Y/n gapes, accepting another cherry Sana gives her. Y/n isn’t the biggest fan of cherries but she has to admit that these ones really do taste very sweet.
“I guess he didn’t know what to do with them. I don’t know what the hell his reason was— but he put them in a box and dropped them on the highway.”
Y/n frowns at the thought. “How do you know it was her?”
“There’s a kid in one of our classes who used to help him out on the farm. He told us.” Sana explains and even looking at her profile Y/n can tell that she’s upset. “So Momo and I decided to punish her ourselves since the police won’t do shit and we don’t have actual evidence that he did it.”
“You’re punishing him, by stealing fruit from him?”
“Not just fruit. Whatever we can get our hands on. Momo once took a whole canister of milk. I’d burn down her stupid farm but I feel sorry for the animals living there.”
Sana looks up at her and Y/n doesn’t really know what to do when she finds that Sana’s eyes look wet.
She’s pretty sure Sana is crying because those poor kittens were murdered like that. Y/n doesn’t think she’d ever cry over an animal’s death, especially not if the animal didn’t belong to her but she should know by now that Sana and her are a whole lot different from each other.
“I think the kittens would be really happy if they knew some girls were avenging their death.”
Sana blinks at her for a moment and starts laughing, sounding a bit choked up. “Fuck, I’m crying over kittens.”
“It is pretty sad.” Y/n shrugs a bit helplessly. She wishes she was better at this, so she could offer Sana emotional comfort like any other person would, but she can’t and she feels like an awkward, cold rock.
“Why the hell would anyone ever do that? It’s like killing human babies. Where’s the difference? Just cause they’re animals?” Sana aggressively eats another cherry and spits the stone out so forcefully it disappears over the edge of the lookout. “Screw that. I fucking hate humans.”
“You’re one too.”
“I know but like, we do eat defenseless animals, don’t we? We’re monsters. But— shit, that’s not the point. I swear I want to punch the shit out of that guy. Killing little baby kittens! I hope he rots in hell.”
Y/n doesn’t really know what she’s supposed to say to help Sana calm down right now, so she just wordlessly hands Sana a nice-looking cherry which she takes with a thankful smile.
“At least hus cherries taste good.” Sana shrugs.
“You should try to get a watermelon next time.” Y/n suggests.
“I don’t think those are ripe yet though.”
“Yeah, probably not.”
“I’ll get you one.” Sana says. “Just give me a month or two.”
Y/n opens her mouth when Sana tries to feed her another cherry. They share a look that gives away what the action reminds them of. Y/n looks away and Sana sighs softly, thankfully not bringing up the incident from the barbecue place again.
“Would you get mad if I told you I missed you?” Sana asks after a beat of silence.
Somewhere in the distance Y/n can hear sirens of an ambulance and she briefly wonders what happened; if it’s a young girl that needs medical attention or if it’s an old man in her eighties. How bad is their condition? Are they dying right now while Y/n and Sana are sitting up here, eating cherries without a care in the world?
“I hope they’re alright.” Y/n mumbles, not really expecting Sana to understand what she’s talking about but it wouldn’t be the first time Sana catches her off guard with the things she does.
“I’m sure they are.”
Y/n turns to look at Sana and she feels slightly overwhelmed by the urge to touch her. “I wouldn’t get mad.”
Sana wordlessly looks into her eyes and she looks so endearing, so beautiful, blinking because a few stray strands of hair are falling into her eyes, peeking out from underneath that baby blue beanie that seems to be glued to her head.
She wears it all the time, because her sister made it for her, because Sana cares so damn much about the people around her.
Y/n wants to be like that. She wants to be like Sana, caring, loving, warm but that’s probably not an option— at least not in this life.
“I missed you too.”
They saw each other yesterday but that hardly counts. Them meeting yesterday is nothing compared to them being here right now, sitting so close together, talking about murdered kittens and eating stolen organic cherries.
Sana hands her the last cherry with a thoughtful look on her face and Y/n stares at the fruit on Sana’s palm, feeling like a huge asshole all of a sudden.
She doesn’t take the cherry, instead takes Sana’s hand in her own.
“I’m sorry.” Y/n slowly says. “That this is so— that I’m making things so frustrating.”
“Frustrating?”
Y/n looks at their hands, and she can’t even put into words how much she likes feeling Sana’s skin against her own. “Because we don’t go on dates. And we don’t even really talk when others are around.”
Sana doesn’t give her an answer and it’s something Y/n’s been dreading, that Sana might get fed up with all this childish secrecy.
“Sana— if you want to see other people that’s fine.” Y/n clears her throat. “I mean, you can do whatever you want. You can, like, kiss other people. Or sleep with other people. Or if you like someone… I just don’t want you to feel like you owe me some sort of loyalty because I can’t expect that from you without giving you anything in return—”
Sana shuts her up by kissing her. She’s cradling Y/n’s face, and her lips taste sweet like cherry and Y/n kisses her back and shit, she does not want Sana to do this with someone else. She wants Sana. She wants Sana to herself.
“What were you saying?” Sana asks after pulling away.
“I said you can—”
Sana leans in again, kissing the words right off of her lips. “I can what?”
Y/n licks her lips, opening them to talk again but Sana is already kissing her again to shut her up.
“Okay. I get it.” Y/n mumbles when Sana’s lips finally leave her own.
Sana bites down on her lower lip – and yes, it definitely is a habit of her – and Y/n watches closely how her eyes flutter shut when Y/n curls her fingers around her arm. “I’m fine with this. I just want you.”
Y/n licks her lips, unconsciously trying to chase the taste of Sana’s mouth.
And then she wonders why she’s chasing Sana’s taste when her lips are right there—
And then she’s kissing Sana again. She has her palm on Sana’s nape, her fingers curling into her hair and Sana moves easily, leaning into her to deepen the kiss.
Sana kisses her. And she kisses her again, and again.
And Y/n kisses her back.
-
Lisa used to ask her why she gets like this sometimes.
Why sometimes Y/n doesn’t leave the house if she doesn’t have work or classes, why she shuts off her phone and acts dead to the world.
The first few times it happened – back at the very start of their friendship – Lisa went absolutely crazy, calling Y/n’s parents and driving to her house at midnight because Y/n wouldn’t answer her phone the entire weekend.
Y/n was confused why Lisa found it so weird, because it’s how Y/n’s always been and to her family it was something they were used to.
They knew to give Y/n space and time on her own, they knew when to leave her alone, because Y/n needed to recharge.
Recharging is the best word Y/n can come up with to describe this weird mood she gets into from time to time. After being around people for too long it gets draining and Y/n physically has no power left to even bother opening her mouth and talk to someone, let alone go outside and do social things.
When that happens, she locks herself in her room and spends time with herself. Thinking about the universe and questioning human existence. Ignoring the piles of textbooks on her desk and ignoring the fact that there might be people out there who are worried about her.
It’s selfish and her dad used to say Y/n just wants attention and it hurt the first time around, until Y/n realized that this wasn’t something she had control over. She couldn’t even go outside without immediately wanting to go back home again when she felt so drained.
Lisa knows by now when exactly Y/n will get into those moods so she leaves her alone until Y/n reaches out for her again.
But most people don’t know.
Sana doesn’t.
So when Y/n’s phone runs out of battery one day and she doesn’t recharge it on purpose, staying in her bed and reading a book the entire weekend, she does what Lisa did the first time.
She shows up at Y/n’s apartment.
Y/n isn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. She gets snappy and she feels like shit but Chaeyoung is out at practice and she has to physically drag her body out of bed to go open the door.
Sana looks taken aback by Y/n’s appearance and Y/n is pretty sure that if her strange character isn’t reason enough for Sana to drop her, this moment right here will be.
“You didn’t reply.” Sana carefully says. “Since Friday. I was worried.”
It’s Sunday night now.
Y/n clears her throat, her voice cracking from the lack of use. “My phone died.”
It’s a stupid excuse, why not simply recharge it? Why does Y/n look like death?
Why is Sana here?
“Are you sick?”
“No.”
They look at each other for a long time and Y/n has never been more aware of their differences than right now; not just in their social status but also physically. Sana looks so effortlessly beautiful and Y/n looks like she doesn’t know what the word shower means.
“Do you want me to leave?”
Y/n expects herself to say yes because she doesn’t want Sana to see her like this. She doesn’t want this thing between them to end yet; wants to be with Sana for a while longer before things go downhill.
But she shakes her head no, and Sana quietly steps inside, wordlessly follows Y/n into the living room and slips under the covers on the couch with her without questioning anything.
“I’m sorry.” Y/n mumbles, lying on her side and staring at the letters printed on Sana’s university sweater. “Sometimes I need to be alone.”
Sana nods her head. “Okay.” She scoots closer carefully and Y/n is a bit tired from holding back, from always overthinking her every move, so she shuffles closer too until Sana wraps her arm around her waist and pulls them flush together. “Tell me if you want me to go.”
“I don’t want you to.”
“Good. Cause it’s way too toasty here to leave.”
Y/n laughs, the sound muffled against the blanket and Sana’s sweater. She wraps her own arm around Sana, her hand resting on her spine and she thinks she can feel Sana’s warmth even through the clothing.
She likes how Sana doesn’t ask any questions, she appreciates how she simply stays here in silence with Y/n even though Y/n’s behaviour is more than just questionable. Y/n doesn’t know how long it will last, how long Sana will be nice and patient before she gets tired of all of this, so she squeezes her eyes shut and presses herself closer into Sana’s warmth.
Sana rubs her palm over Y/n’s back and Y/n feels her lips brush against her hairline when Sana speaks. “Going out sucks when you’re not there.”
“Where did you go?” Y/n quietly asks.
And Sana starts telling her about the weekend.
She tells it like she’s telling a child a bedtime story, and it works because Y/n gets really tired.
“Are you falling asleep?” Sana snickers, nudging Y/n’s shoulder when she notices Y/n dozing off against her.
“Tired.”
She blinks her eyes open and Sana is looking down at her with a soft look in her eyes. “Then sleep.”
So Y/n does.
-
“I saw you with Sana.” Chaeyoung says the next day when they’re eating dinner.
Y/n stops chewing for a second and looks up to meet Chaeyoung’s eyes. She’s not sure what she expected to find there, maybe anger or annoyance.
Maybe disgust.
“We fell asleep.”
“I saw that.” Chaeyoung puts her spoon down and looks at Y/n with her eyebrows furrowed. “Does she like you?”
Y/n shrugs. “We’re just friends.”
“I know you think I’m still a kid, but I’m not stupid.” Her sister raises her eyebrows as if to get the point across. “I see the way she looks at you.”
“You’re mad?” Y/n tries to figure out why Chaeyoung sounds like that, almost like she’s worried.
“No.” Chaeyoung shakes her head but there’s something in her eyes that Y/n can’t pinpoint. “I just… I’m a bit surprised. I didn’t know you liked girls.”
“I don’t.” Y/n says too quickly and she belatedly realizes how stupid she’s starting to sound, constantly denying it. “I mean, I don’t know. I don’t know if I like her.”
Such a hypocrite.
Chaeyoung doesn’t really seem convinced either, she picks up her spoon again and lets go of a long exhale. “I hope she knows you don’t easily trust people. I like Sana, but she better not do anything stupid.”
Y/n scoffs. “Thanks, but I don’t need you to look out for me.”
“Well, someone has to.” Chaeyoung mutters, not looking up from her food. “You’re good at looking out for others but you don’t really give a shit about yourself.”
They don’t really talk anymore for the rest of the dinner.
Chaeyoung takes her things to the sink and leaves without a word and Y/n thinks that if everyone’s going to react like this to the possibility of Y/n liking Sana, she’d rather not tell anyone at all.
-
She’s trying, she really is, but as hours morph into days and their busy schedules don’t leave room for private meet-ups, Y/n thinks she’s not trying hard enough.
Or maybe the progress is just too slow, because it’s been almost two months since Sana kissed her for the first time and they’re still trapped in this unspoken rule of not telling anyone about them not exactly being just friends anymore.
Sana doesn’t talk about it, she doesn’t complain, but Y/n can see how sometimes the smile Sana gives her from across the room when their friends are around doesn’t reach her eyes. And how they sometimes go without seeing each other for over a week, and when they do they’re with the rest of their group and they have to settle for a hug that lasts a bit longer than you could deem friendly but no one takes notice of it.
Y/n knows she needs to get a grip, she’s not being fair, but everything that’s happened between her and Sana already feels like such a huge step away from Y/n’s old habits that she doesn’t know how she’s supposed to change herself even faster without her anxiety swallowing her up whole.
-
Sana seems to be in a bad mood tonight. She still gave Y/n her trademark smile, still hugged her like she wouldn’t be able to hug Y/n ever again, but there’s something off about her.
She’s concentrating on her work, handling the different utensils on the table like an expert, and Y/n tries to make it not too obvious that she’s staring at her rather than her textbooks in front of her.
It’s already past nine, and Y/n wants to go home and sleep but she doesn’t want to leave Sana alone at the shop, especially not when something is obviously not okay.
Sana once catches her staring and Y/n doesn’t even bother looking away to act like she wasn’t doing it. “Why are you staring at me?”
Y/n shrugs her shoulders. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. Of course.” Sana answers a bit too fast and her smile is a little too forced.
She’s lying and Y/n doesn’t know why.
“Okay.”
If Sana wanted to tell her, she wouldn’t have lied before, so Y/n drops the issue and suppresses the unpleasant feeling in her stomach.
But that doesn’t mean she’s not bothered by the fact that Sana seems to be upset. She wants to cheer her up but she’s not sure how.
Y/n tries to imagine what Lisa would do in this kind of situation but none of it is something Y/n feels comfortable with.
There’s only one thing her mind comes up with, so she gets up to grab her bag. Once she finds what she was looking for she walks over to Sana’s side and nudges her arm.
Sana looks up at her and then at whatever Y/n is holding in her hand, a smile appearing on her face once she sees it. “Is this going to be our thing?”
She takes the sour apple lollipop from Y/n and looks at it for a moment.
Y/n feels a bit awkward, giving Sana candy like she’s a kid and not a grown girl. “I bought it for you last week but didn’t have the chance to give it to you.”
“You bought it for me? Why?”
“Because you were sad over those kittens.” Y/n shrugs. “I wanted to cheer you up. But it seems like you could use it now as well.”
Sana peels her eyes away from the candy and looks up to meet Y/n’s instead. “That’s really nice of you.”
“It’s... just a lollipop.” She basically repeats what Sana said after she gave Y/n those energy gums in the car.
Sana puts the candy down and then leans forward to wrap her arms around Y/n’s back. She presses her forehead against Y/n’s chest and lets her shoulders sag, her eyes squeezed shut.
Y/n stands frozen for a few seconds, her arms hanging at her side uselessly but then she hears the shaky inhale Sana takes. She steps closer to the chair so it’s more comfortable for Sana, who pulls Y/n that much closer and sighs in something like relief when Y/n places her hand on the back of her head.
She can’t see Sana’s face, she can’t tell what she’s feeling right now. Sana acting like this is worrying because she’s usually all smiles and teasing words, but not this. Not… so sad. “Sana…”
“Can you please just hold me?” Sana’s voice sounds small.
“Okay.” Y/n wants to ask, but she shakes her head to herself and gently starts petting Sana’s hair, carding her fingers through the silky strands.
She wants to know what’s bothering Sana, but she thinks about how Sana didn’t ask for answers when Y/n ignored her for almost three days.
So she keeps her mouth shut.
----