To Sana:
How are you? <
Y/n’s thumb hovers over the little paper plane symbol of the chat for a good minute.
It’s been a month. A whole month, and a few days more.
Y/n… she misses her.
A month should be enough, right? It can’t take that long to get over those fleeting feelings Sana thinks she has for Y/n, right?
So why is Sana still avoiding her?
Y/n stares at her phone screen for a few seconds longer, her eyes hurting from the brightness of it in her otherwise dark room.
She deletes the message and locks her phone, letting it fall on her chest with a sigh.
Maybe she’s got it all wrong. Maybe the reason Sana doesn’t want to talk to her isn’t because she isn’t over Y/n yet, but because she is.
Because she tried to make a move two times and Y/n rejected her both times and Sana understood that there’s no point in trying anymore and that she has better things to do than to chase after some girl that isn’t even worthy of her attention if she’d just stop and think about it—
Yeah, Sana probably – finally – did just that.
This is probably for the best, anyway. This way Y/n will get over her stupid feelings as well, and everything can go back to normal.
-
“Whose birthday is it anyway?”
It’s a Friday night; Y/n had an eight a.m class this morning and only got off work an hour ago before Lisa appeared in front of her apartment to drag her to some kind of birthday party.
“Jisoo’s best friend,” Lisa mumbles, pulling over to where Jeongyeon is waiting with Dahyun and Seokmin. They get into the car, barely greeting them since they’re too busy arguing over something Y/n doesn’t have the energy to try and ask.
“Why am I here, then? I don’t even know this person.”
“Because he told Jisoo he wants to meet my friends, since I already met Jisoo’s. He’s really cool, I think you’ll get along.”
Y/n sighs and leans her head back. She checks her phone and looks at the selfie Chaeyoung sent her from the movie night she’s having with the dance club at her school, Tzuyu behind her doing a dab. It’s a pain to look at; she didn’t think people were actually still doing that.
“Momo just texted me,” Seokmin speaks up after a while. “They’re there too.”
“Nice! Feels like we haven’t seen them in ages.”
There’s a spark of hope in Y/n’s chest, which quickly turns into something uglier; like fear, because Sana probably doesn’t want to see her and Y/n actually doesn’t really want to see her either.
“Shouldn’t we bring that guy a present or something?” Dahyun asks.
“We’re bringing ourselves. Isn’t that enough?” Jeongyeon sounds genuine with her question, which triggers yet another argument among the three in the back seats.
Y/n leans her head against the cold car window, doing her best to blank out the nervous churning of her stomach.
-
It’s a house party, nothing huge. The house is huge, so whoever’s party it is, their family must be well off. The amount of guests is too big for Y/n’s liking too; it’s not enough to feel cramped but more than she can count and that’s too much for her liking.
They make their way through the crowd inside and Y/n just blindly follows Lisa until her best friend has found Jisoo, who seems very excited to introduce them to her friend.
She walks off to go find him while Lisa pours them some drinks.
“Jeong, shouldn’t you be like, not drinking?” Dahyun frowns when Jeongyeon accepts the cup Lisa hands her.
“It’s fine,” Jeongyeon says and takes a sip. “Unless I get completely shit faced, it shouldn’t kill me.”
“Jeongyeon…” Dahyun starts to reach for her cup, looking genuinely concerned.
“I’m being serious. It’s fine, trust me.”
“You sure?” Dahyun snorts.
Jeongyeon smiles and wraps an arm around Dahyun’s shoulder, ruffling her hair. They’re arguing most of the time they spend together but everyone knows that deep down, they genuinely care for each other.
“This shit is nasty.” Lisa pulls Y/n closer to her side, pulling a face at the taste of her drink. “Shouldn’t expensive liquor taste better?”
“Nah, screw that. Nothing beats the five buck vodka from Mr. Nam’s convenience store.” Dahyun chugs her drink in one go and groans afterwards.
Y/n isn’t able to pay their conversation any mind. She chuckles but her stomach is in knots and she keeps eyeing the crowd, looking for a certain someone without even meaning to do it.
“You’re being obvious,” Lisa suddenly whispers, an arm around Y/n’s neck and close enough for her lips to brush the shell of Y/n’s ear. “She’s here. Don’t worry.”
“I’m not woried.” Y/n grunts, trying to brush her arm off but it only Makes Lisa hold her tighter. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Sure you don’t.” Lisa snorts, putting on a big smile when Jisoo suddenly emerges from the crowd, holding the wrist of who has to be her friend.
“Guys, this is my friend Taeyong. It’s his birthday party and I actually just wanted my friends and Lisa’s friends to get to know each other a bit more.”
Y/n blinks at the guy when she starts squeezing everyone’s hands with a warm smile on his face.
“Hey! I’m Taeyong, and you are…?” He’s suddenly standing in front of Y/n, a strong scent filling Y/n’s nose.
They shake hands. “I’m Y/n.”
“Oh! You’re Lisa’s best friend? God, she seriously won’t shut up about you…” He keeps talking, and Y/n stares at him like an idiot.
It’s Taeyong.
It’s the guy Sana went out with.
Why did it take Y/n so long to make the connection?
“… I’m so glad you guys made it. I’m sure you had better things to do.” He chuckles a bit nervously. Y/n automatically shakes her head, giving him a smile.
“Thanks for inviting us,” She says, which makes Taeyong smile even brighter.
He’s so handsome. His smile is stunning and his eyes are so dark and sharp—
“Please move, the party just arrived.” It’s Jihyo’s voice, and Y/n is still dumbly blinking at Taeyong even when her friends start mingling with the others.
She absently returns the half hugs from Jihyo and Momo and Suga ruffles her hair and then— Sana is there.
Y/n doesn’t even realize she’s holding her breath until Sana has finished greeting her friends, until she turns around and her eyes flicker to meet with Y/n’s right away. It’s just Sana, with her dark hair, her penetrating eyes, her pink lips that are usually pulled into a lazy smirk but it feels like Y/n is meeting her for the first time.
Sana freezes for a split second and Y/n tries to ignore the unmistakable flash of uneasiness in her features. “Hey.” Sana then says – smiling as if nothing happened – and gives Y/n a brief half-hug.
Short and meaningless; just a friendly greeting between friends. The scent of jasmine is only there for a second but it’s enough to make Y/n want to turn around and leave the party.
Sana’s eyes stay on her for a moment longer, and then Taeyong calls her name and Sana starts beaming, turning around just in time when he open his arms as she throws herself into them. “Happy birthday, babe.”
Babe?
Taeyong tugs on Sana’s arm, and Y/n quickly averts her eyes when Sana glances at her before they disappear into the crowd.
Y/n feels like an absolute moron. Here she was, foolishly worrying over Sana needing more time to get over her when really—
“Come on.” Lisa has one of her hands clasped with Jisoo’s and is holding Y/n’s arm with the other one. They sit down somewhere, Y/n squished together between Lisa and Jihyo who is already talking to a slightly older looking guy on her other side. “Here, drink this.”
Lisa passes Y/n her own drink but Y/n shakes her head. “I don’t want to get drunk.”
“You sure about that?” They both simultaneously turn their heads when a sudden noise erupts among the crowd, both of them witnessing their friends standing in a circle doing shots of some kind of black liquid. Sana is there too, Taeyong arm wrapped around her as they both tip their heads back to down their shots.
“Not anymore,” Y/n slowly speaks and Lisa chuckles, although it sounds very pitying.
“They’re not… a thing, if that’s what you’re thinking.” Lisa offers, sipping on her drink while her hand is absently running through Jisoo’s hair. It’s awfully cute.
“I’m not thinking anything.”
“They’re just friends.”
Y/n shrugs and snatches the drink out of Lisa’s hand, immediately taking a few big gulps.
“Woah, slow your damn horses.” Lisa takes the drink away again and Y/n grows increasingly frustrated with how this night is turning out.
She hears Sana laugh – even over the music blasting through the house – and she’s trying to come up with an excuse to leave earlier when Jihyo absently hands her her own drink.
“I don’t drink gin,” She speaks over her shoulder when Y/n gives the back of her head a questioning look.
Y/n doesn’t object; she downs it in one go.
-
Two hours later, Y/n is proud to say that among her group of friends, she’s the least drunk one.
Who would’ve thought she would ever witness such a day? Not her, certainly.
A lot of the guests have left, but there are still too many unknown faces for Y/n to count, so she just focuses on the familiar ones littered around in the seating area where they’re gathered together.
Lisa and Jisoo are making out on the couch next to Y/n, who is currently getting her ears talked off by Jeongyeon and Dahyun simultaneously. She’s spotted Sana here and there, but they haven’t talked.
Sana hasn’t even spared a glance in Y/n’s direction but it’s probably Y/n’s fault for even paying attention to that. She should get over it, she knows that, but for some reason Sana’s indifference hurts a whole lot more than it should.
“No. No, I think you’re wrong.” Jeongyeon vehemently shakes her head.
“I didn’t ask for your opinion though. I’m telling you the truth! There is no heaven or hell—”
Jeongyeon gasps dramatically. “How dare you?! Take that back!”
“No! I don’t have to believe in that stuff if I don’t want to.”
“Then what happens to us when we die, huh? Where do we go?”
“Nowhere! We just cease to exist! Our bodies start to rot and we become a part of the earth and our soul just disappears like the flame of a candle when you blow it out.”
“Shut up!” Jeongyeon hisses. “Y/n, tell her she’s wrong.”
Y/n doesn’t even know why she’s here. “Actually—”
“There’s no such thing as an afterlife! Tell her, Y/n.”
“I don’t really—”
“Oh my god, are you an atheist now? Is that what you’re trying to tell us?!” Jeongyeon pokes a finger into a very drunk Dahyun’s chest.
Y/n sinks back into the couch. Maybe she can just sleep until they leave.
“Maybe I am, what’re you gonna do about it—”
Someone suddenly starts catcalling and others join them, sounding like a bunch of barking dogs, and then one of them shouts “Hell yeah, get it Taeyong!” and that’s what gets Y/n’s attention.
She wishes she would’ve missed it, she really does, because when she does look up, it’s just in time to see Taeyong drunkenly stumbling over his feet, pushing himself down on a chair before he pulls sana into his lap to—
He kisses her.
They’re kissing.
People around them are cheering them on, and Taeyong is holding Sana’s face in his hands and Sana isn’t pulling away, her hands coming up to rest on Taeyong’s shoulder.
Y/n forcefully tears her eyes away from the sight, her fingers clenched tightly around the cup in her hands, her heart dropping to somewhere around the pit of her stomach.
This isn’t right. She shouldn’t be feeling like this. She shouldn’t feel so— so hurt and betrayed, she has no reason to feel like this but here she is, feeling like the biggest idiot on the planet.
This, this stupid, nasty feeling in her chest, her stomach, everywhere, has to be the biggest part of the reason why Y/n usually shuts down when subjects like love and dating come up.
Sana and her are nothing, absolutely nothing more than friends that have known each other for a little while and Y/n already feels like this; she can’t even imagine how much worse off she’d be if she would’ve given in to Sana’s advances.
“Damn.” Dahyun purses her lips at the sight of it. “I thought Sana had a crush on you?”
“What?!” Jeongyeon gawks at Y/n. “What the hell? Is that true? Why did I not know that—”
“It’s not true,” Y/n mutters, hating how her voice shakes.
“Bullshit, I could’ve sworn Sana was all over you last time I talked to her—”
“Dahyun, enough.” Jihyo suddenly speaks up from the other side. Y/n looks up, their eyes meeting, and she sees Jihyo sigh heavily, almost like she already judged the entire situation and understood it better than Y/n ever could.
“I’m sorry,” Dahyun mumbles quietly, widening her eyes like she can’t quite understand why she was just scolded. She shrugs and nudges her shoulder into Y/n’s once she senses the tense atmosphere. “Whatever, Y/n. Forget about her, there are plenty other good-looking people here. And you know what they say; the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else!”
“Hell yeah.” Jeongyeon lifts her cup in a silent toast.
“Y/n, come with me for a minute, will you?” Jihyo gets up from the couch and sidesteps the coffee table, looking down at Y/n and waiting for her to get up.
Y/n doesn’t really think twice before she starts following Jihyo; anything to get out of here.
“Some party, huh?” Jihyo mumbles as she makes her way through the packed hallways of the house. She keeps looking over her shoulder as if to check if Y/n is still there and even in her current state of mind, Y/n can still appreciate it.
They walk to the back of the house, away from the loud music and the voices and the smoke, reaching some kind of balcony where they sit down on the floor. It’s cold outside, but Y/n welcomes it. It helps her calm down, clear her mind, stop being an idiot.
Jihyo looks at her for a long time, not saying anything, occasionally taking a sip from her drink, until Y/n can’t take the silence anymore.
“Why did you want me to come here?”
“I thought you might want to get away from there.” Jihyo shrugs. “You looked like a caged in animal.”
Y/n chuckles. “Sounds pretty accurate.”
“Didn’t like what you saw in there, did you?”
“Can we not… talk about that.”
“I think we should.”
“I don’t want to.”
“You know why she’s doing that, right?” Jihyo raises her eyebrows at her. Y/n gives her a blank look, too tired to protest. “It’s because she’s an idiot. But you are one too, so you can’t really blame her.”
“I’m not blaming anyone.” Y/n sighs. “Jihyo, please stop. I really don’t want to talk about it.”
Jihyo looks like she’s going to ignore Y/n’s request, but she just sighs very dramatically and tips her head back to stare at the sky. “I’m really good at playing amor, you know? So it physically pains me when I see two humans being as stupid as you two.”
Y/n looks up at the sky too, but there must be clouds hanging there because there’s not one single star in sight.
They’re both silent for a long time, and Y/n’s neck is starting to hurt but she likes looking up at the black nothingness. It really helps her calm down, helps her stop thinking about… about…
Sana. Sana… why did she ever step into Y/n’s life? Y/n never asked for this. She really didn’t.
“Jihyo.”
“Hm?”
“Are you a lesbian?” Y/n looks at her. It’s a question that’s been nagging her ever since she met Jihyo.
“You saw me kiss a man before, Y/n.” Jihyo snorts, but her smile turns a bit softer once she sees the genuine confusion on Y/n’s face. “I’m into both; guys and girls.”
“Oh.” Y/n figured as much, but she wasn’t sure, so she didn’t want to jump to conclusions. “That’s cool.”
“What about you?” Jihyo asks, a strange glint appearing in her eyes. “Are you a lesbian?”
“No.” Y/n automatically answers, but she starts frowning immediately, because that can’t be true, right? Not anymore…
“No?” Jihyo starts chuckling at the concerned expression on Y/n’s face.
“I don’t know.” She really doesn’t. She’s never had a reason to believe she’s a lesbian, but then again, she’s also never had a reason to believe that she’s straight either. “I’ve never been interested in anyone before.”
“Never?” Jihyo tilts her head. “You mean, you’ve never been attracted to a guy or girl before?”
Y/n slowly shakes her head. “Is there something wrong with me?”
Jihyo smiles at her. “I don’t think so. There are a lot of people who feel like that. Are we talking about sexual or romantic attraction?”
“Uhm…” Y/n shifts a little. “Both, I guess.”
“Well… stuff like that isn’t black or white, you know? If you’re not interested in, you know, sex, people usually call that being asexual. And the other term is aromantic, but that’s for people who don’t want romantic relationships or can’t develop romantic feelings for anyone. I don’t know about your sex drive but I mean, you like Sana now, don’t you? So I doubt you’re aromantic, but you know, who am I to judge that.” Jihyo takes a deep breath and starts chuckling, like she didn’t just drop such a bomb on Y/n.
Y/n doesn’t answer. Her mind is suddenly one big mess.
Silence engulfs them again, and Y/n shakes her head to get rid of those consuming thoughts, suddenly coming up with an idea. Well, drunk slash tipsy Y/n has an idea. Sober Y/n would discard an idea like that the second it popped up in her messed-up brain.
Jihyo looks really beautiful right now, her bangs falling into her eyes, the shoulder length hair cut on her, and Y/n is pretty sure she’s wearing a bit of eyeliner too.
No wonder she’s got guys and girls swooning over her wherever she goes.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Jihyo asks, and she sounds like she knows what’s going on in Y/n’s mind, and Y/n briefly feels scared at how good Jihyo is at reading people but she quickly disregards the thought because she has a plan, okay? And she’s going through with it. “Y/n…” Jihyo speaks again, her voice wary.
“We should kiss.”
Jihyo still seems taken aback by the words because she gapes at Y/n for a moment. “We really shouldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“You’re drunk, for one.”
“I’m not that drunk.” Y/n doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing. “Do you not want to kiss me?”
“That’s not it.” Jihyo furrows her eyebrows. “You’re really cute but we can’t. You and Sana, that’s a fucking mess, and I don’t want to get involved in that.”
“Sana doesn’t care.” Y/n scoffs. “And she wouldn’t know about this anyways.”
“Of course she cares, what are you talking about? Do you think she kissed Taeyong because she likes him?”
“Look, are you going to kiss me or not? Because if not I’m going to find someone else.”
Jihyo looks surprised for a second, and then she starts laughing again. “Wait, is this because of what Dahyun said earlier? About getting under someone else to get over Sana? Because I can guarantee you, kissing me won’t help you with that.”
“That’s not it, okay?” Y/n groans. Well, it kind of is… “I’ve never kissed a girl as I remember before. And I would like to. And you’re my friend, right? You’re the only lesbian person— I mean, the only girl I know that’s into girls as well, so there’s no one else I can ask.”
It’s stupid, there’s no way Jihyo is going to agree to this—
Oh, okay. Nevermind.
Jihyo is suddenly crouching in front of Y/n and Y/n presses back against the reeling of the balcony, their faces inches apart.
“Don’t fall in love with me. You hear me?” Jihyo says and Y/n just kind of dumbly nods her head. “Close your eyes.”
The last time Y/n kissed someone was at a random party in her last year of school. Some gorl found her cute for some reason, and he kept kissing her, and Y/n remembers thinking that it felt like kissing the back of her hand. Warm and wet and bland. But she isn't going to tell Jihyo about it. She don't even remember if she felt anything about that kiss, she just wants to try it again.
So she doesn’t expect it to feel all that different this time around.
Jihyo presses her lips against Y/n’s very slowly, and the only word Y/n can come up with when Jihyo starts kissing her is sweet. There are no sparks flying, no fireworks, her heart doesn’t go crazy; none of that stuff.
It’s nice, but It’s just that. Nothing more. And Y/n seriously thinks something’s wrong with her, because even though she hasn’t kissed that many people, she can easily tell that Jihyo’s kissing skills are more than just above average. Her lips are soft and she tastes of something strawberry.
It doesn’t even last that long, just three short pecks, maybe five seconds at most, before Jihyo has already pulled back again.
“First things first; are you in love with me?”
“No.” Y/n huffs.
Jihyo smiles, clearly relieved, before she moves back to her seat at the other side of the balcony. She stares at Y/n for a second, and the both of them start smiling at the same time. “So, how was it?”
“It was… nice.”
“You don’t have to lie, Y/n.” Jihyo chuckles. “It was… like kissing the back of your hand, wasn’t it?”
Y/n bites at her lower lip. “So there is something wrong with me?”
“Some people need to have actual feelings for the person in order to feel something when they kiss. I mean, you’re clearly one of those people too. If you’re kissing someone you like, or you know, love, kissing feels ten times better than what you felt just now.”
“Did you like kissing me?” Y/n wonders and Jihyo starts to smirk at her.
“You have nice lips, and you’re good looking, so yeah. I did.”
Y/n must look slightly panicked because Jihyo rolls her eyes and waves her off.
“Not in a romantic way. I meant physically, or you know. Sexually.”
“Sexually?” Y/n starts blushing all over the place and Jihyo just keeps laughing, like she didn’t just admit to being sexually attracted to Y/n—
"Relax. I’m joking.” She snorts. “For the most part.”
“Ji!”
Jihyo laughs, throwing her head back like she finds amusement in Y/n’s misery. “Y/n, seriously, Sana’s already called dibs on you and I’d never stab my friends in the back like that.”
Right. Sana.
Who’s probably still making out with Taeyong in there. Handsome, social, cute Taeyong, who’s way more suitable to be at Sana’s side, and who isn’t as complicated as Y/n is.
Only a complete idiot would choose Y/n over Taeyong, so she can’t even blame Sana for her actions.
“You two should talk.” Jihyo shakes her head with a solemn smile on her face. “I know it’s hard for you, Y/n, but communication is key if you want to make things like this work. You already know what happens if you keep your mouth shut about your feelings.”
And she knows Jihyo’s right, but it seems like it’s too late for that anyways, so Y/n just tilts her head back and opts for staring at the empty sky.
----