Y/n’s mom starts crying when she opens the door and sees her standing in front of it with a nervous look on her face.
She hugs her for a long time, trying to calm her down as the guilt threatens to swallow her up because she keeps saying how much she missed her and how skinny she’s gotten.
She doesn’t look good. She has several strands of gray hair, which just shows how bad things are because her mom is one of those people that visit the hair salon twice a month to cover up the signs of their bodies aging.
And she looks skinnier too.
She just looks sick.
Her dad shakes her hand and gives her an awkward pat on the back, barely able to look into Y/n’s eyes. Y/n ignores the pang in her chest.
“Hey.” Chaeyoung already has her backpack slung over her shoulders, like she wants to leave this place right away. Chaeyoung hugs her, burying her face in Y/n’s shoulder tiredly which is concerning to say the least; while Chaeyoung is definitely a lot touchier than Y/n is, she usually tends to avoid physical intimacy with Y/n if not necessary.
“You okay?” Y/n asks, squeezing Chaeyoung’s shoulders.
“I’m good.” Her sister smiles up at her and Y/n feels a sense of pride in her chest at how strong Chaeyoung is trying to be even though Y/n can see right through her lie.
The house is dark; all the blinds are shut and it smells really stuffy too, like the windows haven’t been opened in a while. It feels a bit like there’s a dark blanket spread over their house, keeping sunlight out and the suffocating sorrow inside.
It’s a sight Y/n is too familiar with; her mom’s depression has always reflected itself in every corner and aspect of their life.
She can’t blame Chaeyoung for wanting to get away. It is one of the reasons why Y/n so selfishly decided to leave as soon as she graduated from High School despite there being good universities near their home.
“Chaeyoung has all the numbers from the village,” Her dad explains to her as he locks the door of the house after they’ve carried all the bags and suitcases into the cars. “I gave the school your contact details in case of an emergency but I want you guys to call us right away if anything happens. Chaeyoung’s asthma has been acting up the last couple of days. She has her puffers with her but just be careful around her. No smoke and no—”
“Scented candles. No perfume. No dusty rooms. Wash the bedsheets at least once a week. I know.” Y/n says, her jaw clenching at the mildly surprised look on her dad’s face.
“Right,” He says, his eyes flickering over Y/n’s face for a moment before he clears his throat and turns to give Chaeyoung a tight hug.
“I’m sorry Y/n,” Her mom says, already sitting in the passenger seat of their car. “I’m sorry you have to go through this again.”
“It’s not your fault, mom.”
“It is. I should be stronger than this. But I’m too weak. I’m failing as your mom again—”
“Mom stop,” Y/n sighs. “We’ve been through this. None of this is your fault. Just focus on getting better, that’s all that matters.”
“Y/n.” She starts tearing up again and Y/n’s chest tightens, not able to handle seeing her mom like this. “I love you so much. You’re an amazing daughter, you know that, right?”
She barely hears what she says. They’re just empty words, as always. She knows what she is. “Yeah.”
She hugs her tightly and kisses her cheeks. She smells like elderflower and it makes Y/n freeze; it’s bringing back memories of her sitting in front of her dressing table while she got ready for work with little Y/n watching her in fascination. She used to put a drop of elderflower oil behind her ear and she’d always smell like that. It used to be such a comforting scent back then and Y/n bitterly realizes how long it’s been since she last hugged her mom like this for her to forget about that habit of hers.
Her hands tremble where they’re tentatively stroking her hair. She wants her to stay for a bit longer. She wants to talk to her about school, about the coffee shop, how much she misses her food.
But her dad interrupts them, says that they need to leave, and Y/n gives her a tight smile after pulling away. She waves at them through the window, blowing them cute kisses as they drive away.
Y/n gulps, taking a calming breath before she turns to Chaeyoung, who’s still watching the car disappearing with a deflated look on her face. “You ready to go?” Y/n asks and reaches out to ruffle her hair.
Chaeyoung looks up at her and nods with a smile. She still looks sad.
“Do you want to buy pizza for dinner?” Y/n asks a few minutes into the drive.
Chaeyoung’s face lights up. “Sounds good!”
Even if things might not be ideal right now, Y/n promises herself that she’ll at least try to make things as easy as possible for Chaeyoung.
-
Y/n only has one bedroom, so she makes Chaeyoung sleep in her bed while she takes the couch. Tzuyu helps Chaeyoung finding her way around her new school and Y/n feels a lot calmer knowing that her sister already has a group of friends despite being the poor kid that appears in the classroom in the middle of the school year.
They don’t see each other that much during the week, with Y/n having her own classes and working when she’s not at school. She tries her best to be at home for dinner so she can… cook for Chaeyoung, but her cooking abilities go as far unpacking some noodles and boiling them together with some seasoning. Chaeyoung isn’t complaining since she doesn’t get to eat that much junk food at home but Y/n decides that she’ll at least make an effort to cook something with fresh ingredients.
She talks to her mom, and she says that the weather is beautiful; cold, crisp with the sun shining all the time. She keeps apologizing whenever they talk on the phone, and when Y/n asks her to stop, she starts to cry again. She feels she should know by now how to handle her when depression drags her down into this dark hole she can’t get back out of without anyone’s help.
When Y/n used to live at home, she’d do small things like take care of the dishes, or sweep the floor and do the laundry. She’s not physically there for her now, and Y/n’s never been good at providing emotional support with uplifting words and encouragements, so she feels extremely helpless and useless in the entire situation.
And this might just be the first time she’s felt like this, but she’s almost glad that school is keeping her busy with assignments and essays. It leaves her with no time to worry about things too much before she starts descending into the abyss of panic and anxiety.
-
Sana sends her a picture of her dinner she just dropped when Y/n gets home from work one night, followed by another one where she has actual tears in her eyes.
Y/n can’t even admit it, but Sana kind of… makes her entire day with it.
-
Two weeks into their new living arrangements Y/n comes home after work to a troubled-looking Chaeyoung sitting on the couch in her living room, blankly staring at the sheet in her hands.
“What’s wrong?” Y/n asks, slipping out of her jacket.
“I got my math test back.”
Y/n sits down beside her, glancing at the bright red D on the top right. “Oh. Wow.”
“Yeah.” Chaeyoung looks like she’s either about to start crying or laughing hysterically, maybe both. “What am I going to do?”
“Hey, it’s just one test.” Y/n tries to comfort her. “You’ll just study harder for the next one.”
“No, it’s not just one test, Y/n.” Chaeyoung sighs and throws the test away. “This is the third math test I’ve failed. I can’t afford to do bad again if I want to get my grade back up before the semester ends.”
Y/n purses her lips. She didn’t even know that Chaeyoung struggles with math. “Uhm. Yeah, that sucks.”
Chaeyoung gives her a sad look. “That’s not what you’re supposed to say.”
“Sorry.”
“I need someone to tutor me, like right now. I don’t have any time left and I won’t get into a good college oh my god—”
“Okay, calm down.” Y/n huffs and picks the test back up. “You still have a few months until the semester ends, right? Why don’t you talk to your teacher? I’m sure one of your classmates would help you.”
“They’re all busy with college applications and studying for finals. I doubt any of them would take their time to help the new kid.”
“What about Tzuyu?”
Chaeyoung snorts. “She’s failing, like, two classes. She’s being tutored herself so she can’t either.”
Y/n scratches at her hair. “I see… Don’t worry. We’ll find you someone.”
“Someone? I was thinking you could help me.”
“Did you forget who needed a math tutor back in high school as well?” Y/n chuckles, remembering how she had to accept the fact that she was a total failure when it comes to math back in elementary school when she managed to fail her very first algebra test.
Her teachers used to call her a lost cause.
“But why are we so bad? Mom and Dad both love math!”
“Wait— How come you didn’t ask them for help?” Y/n gives Chaeyoung a suspicious look. “They do know about your grades, right?”
“Uhm…yeah, about that. No they don’t.” Chaeyoung chuckles nervously. “Look, my grades started going downhill after what happened with mom. I didn’t want to tell them and make the situation even worse.”
Y/n stares at her sister for a while, feeling really tired all of a sudden. Chaeyoung’s basically going through the same things Y/n went through back then and Y/n wishes there was something she could do to help.
“Don’t give up now. There’s still time left. I’ll find you a tutor, okay?”
Chaeyoung sighs, nodding her head. “Yeah, okay.”
“Come on. Let’s eat dinner.” Y/n ruffles her hair and smiles when Chaeyoung swats her hands away, grumbling as she tries to fix her hair again.
-
“Momo is pretty good at math.”
Lisa slurps down her noodles, blinking at Y/n owlishly.
“Really?”
“Yup. She aced all her midterms.” Lisa speaks through a mouthful, her spit flying everywhere, and if they weren’t best friends Y/n would find it disgusting. “You should ask her, I’m sure she’d help Chaeyoungie.”
Y/n gets Momo’s number and reminds herself to ask Momo about it as soon as possible.
-
“We need onions.” Chaeyoung mumbles absently when they walk past the vegetable section of the grocery store.
“We do?” Y/n asks, tightening her grip on the basket in her hands.
Chaeyoung snorts at her. “Y/n, do you even eat anything besides noodles when I’m not here?”
“Of course I do.”
“What do you eat then?”
“Eggs.”
“Oh, yeah we need eggs too!” Chaeyoung rushes away to grab a pack and Y/n follows her sister with a sigh. She’s tired to her bones, having had early classes followed by a rather stressful shift at the café and now shopping for groceries because Chaeyoung said so.
To her defense, they do not have any food left apart from a few packs of cup noodles and some toast bread that’s probably expired a week ago.
Y/n yawns and eyes the chocolate section while she follows Chaeyoung, feeling slightly overwhelmed by the number of different flavors and fillings and the colorful packaging. She doesn’t have that much of a sweet tooth so she rarely bothers visiting this section.
Someone screeches loudly and it’s followed by a loud laugh and Y/n freezes a bit. It sounds familiar.
“Stop! You’re going to get us kicked out!”
“We’re going to pay for it anyway.”
“Girl—”
Y/n hadn’t even noticed she was walking towards the voices until she reaches the end of the shelf and comes face to face with the people responsible for the ruckus.
It’s Sana.
It’s Sana and Momo.
They both look like deer caught in the headlights when they notice Y/n standing there. Y/n doesn’t know what to make of the situation; Sana is holding an open gallon of milk in her arms and Momo has some of the milk dribbling down her chin.
“Y/n,” Sana utters, slowly screwing the gallon shut. She looks like she’s wearing her pajamas, dressed in a worn-out hoodie and a pair of sweatpants with a baby blue beanie on her head.
If Y/n walked around like that, she’d look ridiculous, but Sana looks good. She looks so good that Y/n has a hard time looking away once their gazes lock, especially when Sana’s shocked expression turns into one of excitement.
“What are you two doing?” Y/n asks once she manages to tear her eyes away from the girl.
Momo wipes the sleeve of her jumper over her mouth, shrugging her shoulders. “Buying milk.”
Y/n scowls at the gallon in Sana’s arm that seems to be missing quite a bit of its original content. “And you decided to give it a taste beforehand?”
“We’re paying for it!” Sana quickly states. “We’re not, like, going to put it back or anything.”
Y/n’s eyes flicker up to her face and she feels her chest tingle at the smile Sana gives her. She averts her eyes for a second but when she looks back, Sana is still smiling at her and Y/n doesn’t know what to do with herself.
“Y/n, I know these are more expensive but you always have to buy free-range eggs—” Chaeyoung comes to a halt next to Y/n, blinking at the others standing in front of them with owlish eyes.
“Who are you?” Momo asks, tilting her head.
“I’m Chaeyoung. Who are you?”
“They’re friends,” Y/n speaks up, slightly hating herself when her eyes flicker to Sana and when she sees the flash of an undefinable emotion in the girl’s eyes. “This is my sister.”
“Ohh, you’re Dahyun’s bestie!” Momo reaches out to ruffle Chaeyoung’s hair and Chaeyoung – once again – grumbles to herself at being petted like a puppy all the time.
It’s only at the smile Chaeyoung and Momo exchange that Y/n remembers what Lisa said. “Uhm, Momo. Lisa told me you’re really good at math.”
Momo raises her eyebrows in confusion. “She did?”
“Yeah.” Y/n points at Chaeyoung. “She’s kind of failing math right now, and I was wondering if you’d have time to help her out a bit?”
“Oh.” Momo chuckles a bit. “Sorry Y/n, I suck at math.”
Y/n blinks at her. “But Lisa said you aced your exams—”
“Yeah, that’s because this girl here helped me out.” Momo digs her elbow into Sana’s side. Y/n stares at Sana who just grins at her. “But I’m sure Sana can help your sister too.”
“Oh.”
Of fucking course.
“Hey buddy, can you help me find the cream cheese? I’m still not really good at reading in Korean and last time I bought sour cream instead.” Momo suddenly says, grabbing Chaeyoung’s arm who follows the girl with a confused look on her face.
Y/n watches them leave for longer than necessary, just so she doesn’t have to face Sana again. She eventually does, obviously, and she’s a bit surprised by the beaten look on Sana’s face.
“I can help you find someone else if you want.” Sana says, tightening her grip on the gallon in her arms. She looks weirdly adorable with the hat on her head and the sleepy eyes.
“Oh, uhm. I understand, if you’re too busy—”
“No, that’s not it.” Sana shakes her head. “I just thought maybe you’d prefer someone else. You looked a bit… disappointed.”
“No,” Y/n rushes out a little too quickly. She might not feel too happy about the turn of events, because this just means Sana will play even more of a part in Y/n’s life, even if it’s just as Chaeyoung’s tutor. “If you have time, I’d be really glad.”
“I have time.”
A guy walks by and Y/n doesn’t miss the way he glances at Sana, or how Sana tries to hold back a smirk because she notices it too.
“Okay.” Y/n clears her throat, frowning to herself at the flash of irritation she suddenly feels. “I’ll give you Chaeyoung’s number.” She pulls her phone out and sends Sana the number. “And uhm. How much do you want? Because I can’t offer much—”
“What?” Sana chuckles.
“What?”
“You think I want money for this?”
“… Yes? Or— do you want something else?”
Sana stares at her for a moment, her features turning soft. “No. I don’t want money. Or anything else.”
“But you’re busy with school as it is, at least let me—”
“I’m not taking money for helping a friend out.” Sana rolls her eyes. “Just stop. I’m not a greedy asshole.”
“I didn’t say that.”
They look at each other in silence for a moment, the pop song playing in the store suddenly sounding a lot louder.
“Thank you,” Y/n finally says.
“It’s nothing.”
“Why are you wearing your pajamas?”
Sana splutters a bit at the question, looking down at herself. “We weren’t supposed to go out tonight. But then Momo decided she wanted milk and she didn’t want to go alone and I was too lazy to change. Does it look really stupid?”
Y/n can’t help but chuckle. “Only a little bit.”
“Damn, I’m starting to think the universe hates me.” Sana sighs, the milk in the gallon sloshing around when she twists her body.
“Why?”
“Every time I’m trying to leave a good impression on you it keeps going wrong.”
Y/n stares at her with her heart pounding in her ears. She thinks about Sana asking her out and Y/n rejecting her, thinks about Sana showing up at the café and annoying her to the extent of Y/n calling her stupid names and how she was so scared of that horror movie at the cinema that Y/n had to hold her hands.
She’s right; those aren’t the best impressions you can leave on a person, but Y/n doesn’t have a bad impression of Sana. If anything, it’s the complete opposite.
Because Y/n will think about those encounters randomly at work and she won’t be able to stop smiling like an idiot.
Sana scares her. She scares her a whole fucking lot, but that’s not something Y/n can say without raising questions she couldn’t even answer herself.
“It’s just me.” Y/n tries to laugh it off, not knowing what else to say so it won’t come off like she understood the meaning behind Sana’s words. “You don’t have to leave a good impression.”
“But I kind of want to.” Sana drops her head, chuckling softly. “I really want to.”
Y/n knows she’s gaping, but she doesn’t know what to say because she doesn’t know what Sana means.
Sana’s features have hardened and Y/n sees her clench her jaw.
Y/n gulps, not knowing what’s happening, and she shrugs her shoulders a bit helplessly when their gazes lock again. “Did I say something wrong?”
“No.” Sana shakes her head. “Forget it. It’s nothing.”
And before Y/n can ask anything why the hell Sana looks like… like a wounded animal right now, Chaeyoung and Momo join them again and Y/n pretends to miss the worried look Momo gives Sana after sensing the strange atmosphere between them.
“Momo is really cool,” Chaeyoung says when they walk home a moment later. “How did you make so many new friends?”
Y/n is still thinking about Sana’s words why Y/n’s chest won’t stop feeling so tight and it takes Chaeyoung grabbing her arm to focus back on their conversation. “What?”
“Did you hear anything I just said?”
“Not really.”
Chaeyoung rolls her eyes and repeats herself but Y/n’s mind still feels like it’s filled with cotton and the shade of blue of Sana’s hat.
-
Chaeyoung and Sana decide to have the tutoring lessons at Y/n’s apartment because it’s more convenient that way; Momo’s and Sana’s place is a lot further away from their respective schools.
At first, the prospect of having Sana over pretty much on a regular basis from now on has her feeling— uneasy, to say the least. But since Y/n works in the evenings and Chaeyoung and Sana meet up whenever she’s at the café anyways, it doesn’t end up posing a problem.
They get along really well, too. Chaeyoung won’t shut up about Sana, about how good she is at explaining things and how funny she is and how Chaeyoung wishes she’d be as good looking as Sana and how Sana might just find the cure to cancer—
Y/n gets the memo; Sana is a godsend. She needs Chaeyoung to shut up about it.
-
Y/n comes home after work the next Wednesday night and finds another pair of sneakers at the entrance of her apartment.
She walks in, slipping out of her jacket and finds Chaeyoung and Sana sitting at the coffee table in the living room floor. Did she leave work earlier today? Sana shouldn’t be here anymore.
“Uhm. X equals 0.5?” Chaeyoung sounds unsure.
“Not really.” Sana shakes her head and leans over to eye Chaeyoung’s notebook. “You made a mistake in the second step, otherwise it would be right. Do it from the beginning, okay?”
Chaeyoung huffs out a tired breath, turning to a fresh page. “I fucking suck. Why is math so easy for you?”
“Believe it or not, I used to struggle with math a lot back in high school.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“I had an awful attitude when it came to studying altogether. You hate math because you’re bad at it, but maybe you’re just bad because you hate it. Yeah, you have to understand how to solve problems but that won’t help anything if you have a negative attitude. You gotta change both.”
“Damn,” Chaeyoung mumbles, scribbling into her notebook. “You’d make a pretty great teacher, Sana.”
Sana chuckles and ruffles her hair. “Why do you think I want to become one?”
Y/n’s been watching their interaction quietly from her spot behind them, and the sight of Sana patiently trying to help Chaeyoung understand the problem makes her chest feel all tight and tingly.
“Alright, show me again,” Sana says once Chaeyoung is done.
“Is it right this time?” Chaeyoung asks, voice filled with hope.
Sana frowns. “Chaeyoung…”
“Oh my god,” Chaeyoung nearly whimpers. “I should just die; I’m too stupid for this world—”
“I’m just kidding. It’s right.” Sana laughs and gives her the notebook back. “Well done. You almost got every equation right today!” She’s still smiling as her eyes move to the side, right where Y/n is still standing. The smile falters for a moment before it changes; she’s still smiling. But it’s different. “Y/n.”
Chaeyoung turns around to look at her as well. “Y/n? When did you get here?”
“Just now,” Y/n lies, walking closer to place her jacket over the back of the couch. “Are you guys still doing math?”
“I think we just finished, right?” Chaeyoung gives Sana a questioning look for which she earns a nod.
“I bought dinner,” Y/n says, lifting the plastic bag in her hands.
“Nice! I’m starving.” Chaeyoung reaches her hand out for the bag and places the boxes of chicken on the table. “Sana, you should eat with us.”
Sana and Y/n lock eyes once again and Y/n wills herself to stop acting like this; holding her breath whenever Sana so much as looks in her direction.
“You can stay, if you want.” Y/n manages to get out, and she releases the breath she was holding when Sana’s shoulders drop in something that looks like relief.
“I’d love to but I kind of promised to have dinner with Momo already.” Sana stands up and reaches for her jacket. She puts it on and proceeds to stand there, staring at Y/n for a few seconds before she breaks out into one of her goofy smiles.
There’s this… weird tension between them that wasn’t there before; not even after Y/n rejected her. She’s not sure when it started, maybe after they fell asleep holding hands when they both weren’t all that drunk. Or maybe after their strange encounter at the grocery store – which Y/n still doesn’t understand. She knows something happened, but she can’t put a finger on it.
It’s hard to Ignore – this tension in the air – but Y/n is willing to try.
Chaeyoung looks at them with her eyebrows furrowed. “What are you two doing?”
Y/n jumps and starts to flush. She clears her throat and gestures Sana to follow her to the door.
She watches Sana put on her shoes in silence, somewhat missing the beanie on her head. It kind of made the girl look way less intimidating when she wore it.
“Are you coming to Jihyo’s birthday on Friday?” Sana asks once she’s all dressed and ready to leave. She pushes her hair back and Y/n bites down on her tongue to stop herself from telling Sana to cut her hair shorter.
She looks like one of those bad guys from the dramas Lisa always watches; the one the main girl is in love with while there’s the poor nice guy on the side who’d treat her better than Sana ever would. Not Sana, god… The bad guy.
“Uhm… She said something about having booked a table somewhere?”
“Yeah, it’s nothing huge. Just a hole in the wall barbecue place but the food’s pretty good.” Sana trails off, her eyes flickering over Y/n’s face the way they always do. Y/n doesn’t know if she does it to… check her out, or if she’s trying to evaluate Y/n’s looks. “Are you coming?”
“I think so,” Y/n slowly answers. She really didn’t expect Sana to get along so well with Chaeyoung, or to be so patient with her, but Y/n feels herself grow ridiculously soft at the thought of Sana being so nice to her little sister.
And all of a sudden she has this strange urge to push the stray hairs of Sana’s black hair out of her eyes—
Fuck. No… No…
“Good.” Sana smiles, all cute teeth and crinkling eyes and Y/n wants to either cry or laugh because there’s a hummingbird in her chest and there are scary words on the tip of her tongue and this is not what she wanted, it’s not. “I’ll see you then.”
“Y-Yeah,” Y/n stutters.
Sana opens her mouth like she wants to say something, and she has this mildly pained look on her face when her eyes drop to Y/n’s lips, like she wants to—
She doesn’t. She leaves, and Y/n hastily locks the door, her forehead pressed against it.
She comes to the painful realization that whatever Sana was thinking about doing to Y/n—
Y/n wanted her to do it.
----