I feel I've lost my touch.
That thing that separates me from every other being... I feel as if it's no longer within me.
Though it's probably only been a few weeks, it feels as if it's been months since I've written anything.
Months since I thought about my dreams.
Like the strings that were attached to me, moving my body and controlling my limbs are cut, snipped and buried as my patience growers ever so thin.
I ran to the lord the moment he showed me the light.
But now I feel as if I'm sitting in darkness, hindering my sight and slowly making me blind.
As if I was once on a search to find all that was set out for me, and now I'm stuck, sitting in pity, wanting to flee from anything that's ever caused me to think.
Think about who I am and where I want to be.
Life is really setting in on me.
As I grow, the decisions I have to make burn slow as the clock ticks at a hurried speed, life is kind of starting to scare me.
I feel as if I've lost a piece of me...
Not anything in relation to a romantic thing or anything as far as interacting with someone socially... but something inside of me is dying.
A makeshift smile and being able to hold a conversation for a little while is the perfect facade to keep the people from questioning.
Keep them from guessing and building a mental reflection of me and what I'm going through and what they need to do to save me when really I want to be free from this whole thing.
One moment I can be so happy but then this too normal feeling of depressing comes and washes over me.
I thought I'd gotten away from it for good but it still creeps up on me, hooded and dark, mentally tearing me apart.
I've been struggling.
Sacrificing, suppressing just to try and have a happily ever after ending is so tiring.
I'm only seventeen.
But I dont want to be forty-three wondering why I just couldn't go through these little things for a better me.
But what life is worth crying for? The same life that Jesus died for.
For me to have a chance and do greater things, but somehow I still keep sinning.
Somehow the enemy still has a hold on me.
Yet... I'm still running.
I tried to face this oh so big thing from the lower depths of me but I can't look at it anymore.
To know I'm not perfect is one thing, but to be beaten and have my own name slandered by me is something that I can't continue to see.
To feel less than because of me is the heaviest burden.
I let go of a love I still want today.
I suppress my emotions for those who couldn't care less about my pain.
I keep on carrying on because I know theirs more for this life to bring.
But the question in my mind still remains.
Haunting me and taunting me as I fight this mental battle every day.
When will it all be ok?
I've lost my touch.
To look at the brighter side and cross over, staying there and focusing on getting a win than my past loss.
To forgive and forget, when forgiving only makes me want to run back and try again.
It's so hard to feel on those days when I'm stuck in the battlefield. Not physically but mentally at war with myself and I'm losing!
Temporary distractions only worsen the pain when my mind is allowed to yet again run, breaking me down, criticizing my actions.
Despite what my GPA may be or what the grades show.. I feel as if my brain holds nothing, pushing me to a new low.
Theirs no point in wishing for time to slow... it'll only make this hurt grow.
When my mind is full and my body aches... my temple is raided and I have no place else to go.
No where around here truly feels like home...
I'm not the same girl I once was and that's the thing that's hurt me the most.
Overcoming and learning, I can still feel my heart hurting from my last discovering.
The world only clouding me with more misery.
All it takes is faith the size of a mustard seed, and I pray that God holds on to me.
I may be straying but I'm really trying.
With little to no strength, if I could, I'd still reach out to help the person next to me... my touch being nothing but empty from my emotional inability...
Though it's hard for me to do for you anymore,
I wish you could still feel for me.
- Donna