"You're fucking kidding me!" exclaimed Justine.
"Nope," I shook my head and took a sip of my iced water, hoping the entire restaurant hadn't heard her.
We had agreed to meet for lunch at El Toro's for fajitas on a Saturday afternoon. I'd let Justine get about halfway through her margarita before clueing her in on what had been going on between Harry and me since that night at Mikado's.
"Damn, woman!" she said in a loud whisper.
"You think bad of me, don't you?" I cringed.
Justine sighed. "No. No, hon, I don't. Who the hell am I to judge?"
I bit my cheek and looked down at my plate.
"I could tell something was up when I saw you last."
I raised my head with wide eyes. "Nothing was going on between us then, I swear."
"No, I mean your marriage. You didn't seem happy when I asked you about it."
I thought for a moment. "But that doesn't justify my cheating, does it?"
Justine gave me a sympathetic smile. Instead of answering my question, she asked me another one. "How bad is it?"
"That's the thing, Justine. It's not bad. It's just...okay."
Justine was silent, waiting for me to continue. I sighed.
"I know he loves me. He's very good to me. And when I told him I wanted to go back to school, he was very supportive."
"But he doesn't know about Harry, does he?" Justine asked, eyes wide.
"No!" I shook my head with nervous laughter. "At least, not in that way. He knows about the partnership in Soc. class. But that's all."
"But you're together all the time, right? He's bound to suspect something."
I shrugged again. "I don't think James is the type of person to suspect anything. Jealousy is not in his nature."
Our waiter came by to check on us and refill my water. When he'd left Justine asked me the question I'd hoped she wouldn't ask.
"What do you think he'll do if he finds out?"
I closed my eyes, wishing for a moment that I hadn't confessed to her. Or moreover, that there had been nothing to confess. That I could make it all go away, turn back time. But how far back would I go? To that night at Harry's apartment? Before we'd had sex? Or further back - to the day we'd met. Maybe I wouldn't have let him sit next to me. No, the truth was I feeling guilty. Up to now I had been justifying my actions, denying that what I was doing was wrong. But Justine's question, the inevitable question, brought me back to reality. And the question wasn't if he finds out, but when.
"I don't know, Justine," I shook my head. "I have no idea what I'll do either."
Justine pursed her lips. Then she folded her hands on the table and leaned forward. "Is this just about sex?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean...you know..." Justine tilted her head. "Is it just physical with you and Harry, or are there feelings involved?"
I blinked. "I guess...well, I guess it's just sex. I mean, I like him. Actually, I really like him. But I don't think I'm in love with him, if that's what you mean."
Justine nodded. "Good."
"Why is that good?" I asked, although I knew the answer.
"Because..." she started. Then she stopped and took a deep breath. "Because, if you were, I'd tell you that you're walking on thin ice. And that you have a serious decision to make. And I'd hope that this time you make the right one."
Her words cut through me like a knife. I knew exactly what she was referring to, but neither of us chose to pursue that topic. For that I was grateful.
*
The next week was pretty uneventful. Harry and I got another A on our Sociology project. After getting a B on my English paper for Pride and Prejudice, I decided to step up my game and spend almost all my free time reading Wuthering Heights so that I could get a head start on that report. Harry was a bit disappointed that I had to reduce our time together, but he understood.
I never told him about my lunch with Justine. It was always on the tip of my tongue, but I concluded that it wasn't worth bringing up. I knew it was selfish of me, but I liked things the way they were for the time being. Harry was great company, but I knew it was purely a physical relationship. I was in a content, albeit virtually sexless marriage with someone I knew loved me. The only thing I really needed to focus on now was school.
On Friday morning, after History class, and after Harry and I had said our goodbyes, I grabbed a coffee at the snack bar and sat on a bench outside to read my book which I had almost finished. It was a lovely autumn day, my favorite time of year. I was so engrossed in the story that I almost didn't hear my name called. I looked up to see Zack, Harry's roommate, waving at me with his own cup of coffee in his other hand.
"Hey!" I exclaimed, somewhat shocked to see him. I had yet to run into any of Harry's friends on campus.
"What are you reading?" he asked as he sat down beside me.
"Wuthering Heights," I answered, lifting the book and showing him the cover.
"Let me guess...Professor Lloyd."
"How did you know?"
"I had her last year," Zack replied. "You think it's going to be easy because all you have to do is read and write papers. Ended up being one of the hardest classes. She's a tough broad."
"Tell me about it. I got a B on my first paper. I thought it was really well-written."
"A B?" Zack shook his head. "Then you're doing great. I got a D on my first one. Ended up passing with a C average."
I groaned. "I just really want to prove to myself that I can be an A student."
"Then don't give up," he grinned. "I'm sure you'll get there."
"Thanks," I smiled. "So, how come I've never seen you around?"
"I usually have a class at this time, but the teacher didn't show up today."
"Oh," I nodded. "Do you have any classes with Harry? I haven't even thought to ask him that."
Zack shook his head. "Not this semester. Last year we had almost all of our classes together. We got on each other's nerves so much, we had to duke it out a couple times."
"Like an actual fist fight?" I asked with wide eyes.
"Yep. We each wanted the other one to move out because we were so sick of each other, but then we realized we were the best roommates. And neither of us could afford to live alone."
"I'll bet," I chuckled. "You have other friends though, right? Grayson...and Joey?"
"Joey's an old friend of mine from high school. And I wouldn't live with him if you paid me."
I laughed louder.
"And we just met Grayson this summer when he started working at Mikado's."
"Oh, okay. So how long have you known Harry?"
"Since the summer before. We started at Mikado's on the same day. We got along really well and learned that we were both looking for a place to live. Our manager at the time was about to move out of his apartment and told us about it. It was rent controlled so we jumped on it."
"Cool. So when did he date Alison?" I asked, curiosity getting the best of me.
"Oh you heard about her, huh?" Zack smirked.
"As a matter of fact, I saw her. When I was with Harry."
"Yeah? That must have been awkward."
"She didn't see us, I don't think. So what's their story, if you don't mind my asking?"
Zack took a breath and thumbed the edge of his styrofoam cup. "Well, he dated her for almost a year I guess. In fact, she used to work with us."
"Really?" I tried not to act surprised as I brushed my hair back with my fingers.
"Yeah, she started on the same day too. She was a hostess. They had gone through a major overhaul at the restaurant and hired a large batch of new people. So we all went through orientation and training together."
"Oh, I see," I said as I took a sip of my now luke-warm coffee.
"Anyway," Zack continued, "It was obvious they both had a thing for each other. Soon after Harry and I moved in together, they started dating. And I guess it was going pretty well, at least from my point of view. Then Alison started showing serious signs of...I don't know...craziness."
"Craziness? How?"
"Like she was super possessive of him. And jealous of any girl she saw him talking to. I mean, he was a waiter, right?" he commented with a shrug.
"Right."
"And around this time was when our manager had decided to start training us at the bar. So of course there were women coming up to the bar. And...c'mon, Harry's a charming guy."
I nodded with a grin.
"Alison would just about have a cow. Not in the restaurant or anything, but afterwards. Several times I'd catch Harry and her in the back parking lot fighting. Finally, she quit."
"Oh my God. Did she think he was cheating on her?"
"I don't know," Zack shrugged again. "They didn't break up. But apparently she couldn't watch him with other women, even if they were the ones doing the flirting, not him."
"Hmm," I said through pursed lips. I supposed in a way I couldn't blame her. "So what happened then?"
"They were together, but not together, if that makes sense. From what Harry told me, he was sort of afraid to break up with her. But he was working a lot, I think mostly to avoid her."
"That doesn't sound good."
"No. And you know how I said we had a lot of classes together? Well imagine that, plus living together and working together. I think with all that combined with the Alison crap, Harry had had enough. He blew a fuse. He came home one night and I don't even remember what now, but I said something to piss him off and he decked me." Zack made a punching motion with his fist.
"Damn," I murmured.
"So after that he was looking for a place to live. Alison had offered to let him stay with her, but he didn't really want to. Finally, she basically told him she'd had enough, that if he didn't love her back, she wanted nothing more to do with him."
"Ah," I voiced.
"After we'd patched things up, Harry told me that he just wasn't in love with her. He said he had a hard time loving someone that possessive."
"I can understand that."
"I've probably said too much," Zack chortled.
"No, I appreciate it. When I asked Harry about her, he just said things didn't work out."
"That's Harry," he nodded with a pause. Then he added, "Listen, I know he hasn't know you very long, but he seems to like you a lot."
"He does?" I almost dropped my cup, which thankfully was almost empty.
"Definitely. He talks about you a lot."
"Yeah, well wh—" I started to ask before Zack cut me off.
"Speak of the devil," he snorted.
I looked up to see Harry walking toward us.
"What's this?" he asked with his lopsided grin.
"Just chatting," I replied. I stood up and put my book in my backpack, then threw my cup in the trash can next to the bench.
"I should get to class," Zack announced. "Hopefully this teacher shows up. Nice talking to you, Tisa."
"You too, Zack."
"See ya, bro," Zack said to Harry, patting him on the shoulder as he turned to leave.
"You have the sweetest friends," I told Harry.
"What were you chatting about?" he asked.
I gazed up into his emerald eyes. "You, of course."
*
"What are you wearing?" Harry asked in his raspy voice.
"Harry!" I whispered loudly.
I heard him chuckle on the other end. He'd had to work that night and had just gotten home. I imagined him lying in his bed, shirtless with his arm folded behind his head, cell phone in his other hand.
"You're not gonna tell me?"
"Just a t-shirt and shorts," I said. "Nothing sexy."
"Sounds sexy to me."
I rolled my eyes, grateful that he couldn't see me. "If you say so."
"I do say so."
"Whatever, Styles." I propped up my pillows and crawled underneath the covers, getting comfortable. James was asleep in the next room, and I prayed he wouldn't awake to hear our conversation. But as I heard the low groan of his snores through the wall, I figured I was safe.
"Aren't you going to ask me what I'm wearing?"
"Huh?" I jumped from Harry's question.
"Don't you want to know?"
I raised an eyebrow. "I don't know, do I?"
Harry chuckled once again, making me sigh. So not only was he shirtless, but pantless as well. This boy was going to be the death of me.
"You have nothing on," I said, not as a question but a statement.
"Mmm, but d'you know what I wish was on me?"
"Stop it."
"Your sweet little—"
"Stop it!" I exclaimed, cutting him off.
"Babe, are you blushing?"
"Never."
Harry sighed. "You don't like dirty talk?"
"Not on the phone," I answered.
"No? Phone sex is not your thing?"
"Nah," I said, nonchalantly. The truth was, I'd never done it before. The thought of it sort of made me feel uneasy. And I wasn't about to start with my husband sleeping on the other side of the wall.
"Alright then," Harry conceded, dropping the subject. "So tell me what you did today."
"Um...well, not much really. I worked some on my English paper. Almost finished with it. How was work?"
"Exhausting."
"Yeah? Did you wait tables or tend bar?"
"Bar," Harry replied. "Grayson was with me this time, and he's one of my best mates so that made it fun. But my back is killing me now."
"I'm sorry," I said in a pouty voice. "Wish I could rub it for you."
"Mmm, that would be nice," he yawned.
I imagined being there with Harry, rubbing his back, making him feel better. I almost thought for a moment that he'd fallen asleep until I heard him speak again.
"Do you recall that girl that took your seat at the bar that night?"
"Um...the brunette you mean?" I asked, rolling my eyes. "Britney?"
"That's the one. She was there again tonight."
"Ugh, seriously?"
"Yeah, she asked me out."
"She...what?" I felt my heart pounding.
"Well, not directly, but in so many words. She kept flirting with me and asking her friend if we would make a great couple."
That bitch!
"What did you say?" I asked. I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. I knew I had no right; he wasn't like my boyfriend or...actually I didn't know what he was. I promised myself I was not going to be like Alison.
"I told her thanks," he replied with a smile in his voice.
"That's all?" I despised his deliberate teasing.
"Well, she mentioned something about her brother having a Halloween party and I should come."
"Oh." Halloween was next Friday.
"But then Grayson chimed in and mentioned his party."
"Grayson's having a Halloween party?"
"He is now," Harry laughed.
"What?"
"He was just being a good mate, seeing as Britney was kind of all over me and making me uncomfortable. So he said something like, 'Sorry, Harry will be at my party Friday night'. Soon after that, Britney and her friend had gone and Grayson and I were having a laugh about it. Then he said, 'Why the hell not? Let's have a party'. So there you go."
"Silly boys," I mocked.
"So do you think you'll be able to come?" Harry asked.
I was taken aback. I hadn't really expected an invite.
"Um...well...I don't know."
"I'd like you to be my date, Tisa, but if that's too awkward, you can bring a friend."
"Like Justine?"
"Yeah, her," said Harry. "I like her."
"We old gals won't cramp your style?" I joked.
"Old? What the fuck do you mean old?"
I giggled. "Oh, Harry, you keep me young."
"Do you honestly think you're old?" Harry asked.
"Sometimes."
"Not even close. Besides, age is just a number."
"I know, you're right," I sighed.
"Plus you're fucking gorgeous."
"Harry."
"What? You are."
We were both silent for a moment or two. Finally, I whispered, "Thank you."
"I don't like for this to be our topic of conversation, but I have a feeling your husband doesn't realize how lucky he is."
"Harry," I repeated, closing my eyes.
"I know. Nevermind." I heard him let out a deep breath. "I suppose I should say goodnight."
"Okay."
"Please consider coming to the party. Whatever you have to do. I want you there."
"Alright, I'll call Justine tomorrow."
"Great. Goodnight, Tisa."
"'Night, Harry."
As I turned off my phone, I wondered what I would tell James. Even if he wasn't suspicious of my friendship with Harry, he still might wonder why I would be going to a Halloween party at a college boy's apartment. I decided it might be best to just tell him I was going out with Justine. One more little white lie...