"But why are you just so accepting of what I explain and tell you without having to have proof?"
"Because I love and believe in you and therefore, I love and believe in you, Roza moya. And because of that I know without a shadow of a doubt that you would never lie to me. Not about your abilities, and not about anything else. Not ever." I shrugged. (my)
"You're not even going to argue that ghosts don't even exist? You're not even going to try to convince me that I was having stress induced hallucinations?"
"Nope. As I said, I trust you, I believe in you, I love you, I know you, and therefore I know that you would not ever even try to lie to me."
"Thank you, thank you sooo much, you will never know just how much that means to me. How much it means to me that you have such an unflinching belief and such faith in me. And you're right, I won't ever lie to you. I could never do that to you either." She sniffled.
"I may not be able to tell you things after I become queen... Queenly secrets." She giggled because I always teased her about guardian secrets. But there would be no more of those either, with her political rank she was privy to far more information and secrets than I would ever be. No matter how far up in the ranks of guardian that I may climb.
"As I have said before, there is and never will be anything that you will ever need to thank me for lyubov' moya. As for queenly secrets, I completely understand. But just so you know, there will be no more of those guardian secrets between us either." (my love)
"But I do thank you sooo much for not only believing me, but for believing in me Mitya, and without me having to prove it to you. And just so you know, you don't have to do that. If there is something that you can't tell me, things that I can't know, then I understand that."
"I do believe you lyubov' moya, and of course I believe in you angel moya. I always have and I always will, always detka. ALWAYS. But how could you prove something like that exactly? And there is something else Roza, as the future queen your security clearance is the highest that there is in our entire society, outside of the current queen that is. So, as I said, no more guardian secrets either." (my love, my, baby)
"I could prove it by simply asking Ivan to come for a visit just like I plan to do for our wedding and the births of each of our children and their own weddings. As well as any and all of ours and their important moments such as graduations. I mean he is your best friend, so you both deserve for him to be present at not only our wedding but also at the births of all of his nieces and nephews and all the other important moments in our and their lives. But back to what I was saying, when he got here, I could let you see and talk to him yourself. Just like, if you wish, he can be your best man at our wedding and the godfather to some of our children. And thank you so much for being willing to forgo your 'guardian secrets', but as I said you don't have to do anything such as that. No matter how much I appreciate your willingness to do so."
"You can really do that?!! That would be so great, it would be just like I never lost him to begin with, thank you angel moya. Thank you so very much. You will never know just how much that means to me." (my)
"Yes, I can. Do you want me to right now? We will need to go out past the ward lines with such short notice, but as I said, yes, I can do that."
"You're right, even if he is not physically present in my day-to-day life, he is still my best friend and brother, just as Lissa is your sestra and best friend, and he always will be. As for the guardian secrets, I want to do that, because I want us to share everything that we possibly can detka." (sister, baby)
"Thank you, you're just wanting to share everything with me means more to me than you will ever know detka." (baby)
"As for letting me see Ivan, no, no, not right now. Maybe some other time, after I have had some time to process and wrap my head around all of this. But why would the amount of notice matter? As for what you said about Ivan being able to be my best man at our wedding. I would never be able to thank you enough if you could pull off something of that magnitude just for me. And you are very welcome milaya moya." (my dearest)
"Ok, whenever you're ready to do it, you just let me know. The amount of time matters because I would need to not only arrange a good time with him. I would also need several days to gather enough energy to be able to have him appear inside the wards. Haven't you figured out yet that I would do ANYTHING for you Comrade? ANY-FUCKING-THING."
"All right, I will. Yes, I know that you will Roza moya, it's just so hard for me to understand that you or anyone else would ever be willing to do something like that just for me. I mean I know the lengths of which my biological family would go to for me. But I just never thought that I would find you Roza. And I never thought that you would love me and be willing to go to such an extent all for me, the same as I love and would be willing to do anything for you angel moya." (my)
"That is more of that chert brainwashing from the moroi to the dhampir that makes you think and feel that way. I know because I feel exactly the same way, I always have, but for me Janine caused it for the most part. The training of the dhampir, insisted upon by the vast majority of the royals. Caused some of it even though my family, Lissa, and her family did their bests to shelter me from all of that. The royals want us to think and feel as if we are deserving of less than nothing for ourselves. That our lives mean less than nothing if we are not protecting those disgusting zhopa spoiled royals who think just like them. But that bred sivoy kobyly is going to yeblya change, after we take the thrones, our world will be equal everything for everyone. And I am more than willing and sooo yeblya happy to do anything and everything in the world for you Comrade. Anything and everything. Always and forever." (damn, ass, bullshit, fucking, fucking)
"Thank you, angel moya and I will do the same for you detka, I promise. Always and forever. You're right about how we dhampir are trained. That mental and emotional bred sivoy kobyly needs to yeblya change detka. It really does." (my, baby, bullshit, fucking, baby)
A thought hit me. "Does contacting the dead hurt you like the darkness does?"
"Not really." She didn't sound completely sure about that. Plus, she wouldn't really meet my gaze when she answered.
"What do you mean by 'not really' exactly Roza?"
She sighed. "It is just like being outside of the wards... well, that's not exactly true either."
She thought for several moments as she tried to figure out the best way to explain exactly what she means and then tried once again to explain. "Being outside of the wards, for an extended period of time, is VERY painful for me. It feels as though my skull is going to either implode or explode, as if it is going to be ripped into several different pieces. And when I fly, if I am in an unwarded plane or not sedated, then I see ghosts whether I want to or not. They just float all around and through the plane some of them even attack me causing me unimaginable pain." She shrugged.
"But just stepping right outside of the wards and calling a single spirit to me is just a little uncomfortable. But given the pain I have had to deal with in my life it's barely even noticeable to me anymore. Not anywhere near as painful as it is when I am outside the wards for an extended period of time. Like that shopping trip to Missoula for instance, that was extremely painful, near crippling to be completely honest about it. Even though I tried my absolute best not to let anyone see it. I was in so much pain not only because I was outside of the wards but also because I had been having to hide so much about myself from so many people for so long. And having to do so from so many people and for sooo long is tiring, exhausting even. Along with being mentally and emotionally unimaginably painful, and that is on top of all of the physical pain. But Lissa always helps, as best as she can anyway. Which is why she tried to keep me away from the others, and close by her side, just as much as possible. She helps me block it out by helping to keep me distracted. Which is why she wanted me to try on so many clothes and model them for her. But once I reminded her that no one knew who I really was, she understood why I couldn't." She smiled and laughed a little.
"Of course, she was also slipping around behind everyone's backs and reaching out to me, when no one was looking, and healing as much of the pain away as she could in quick bursts." Angel moya admitted with a sly grin on her face. (my)
"I wondered why she tried to keep you away from everyone else on that trip so much. I don't know if anyone else noticed it or not, but I sure did. Although I didn't know if she was actually trying to keep you away from others or just close by her side. But what you hid, far too well for my liking, was how just much pain that you were in because of being outside the wards. And I wish so much that I could have done something, anything, to help you with that. But thankfully neither Victor, Natalie nor any of their guardians didn't seem to notice any of it either though. Which I think was a very good thing for everyone involved, especially you lyubov' moya. It probably kept the both of them from targeting you the very same way that they targeted Lissa, if not even worse." (my love)
I could see her thinking about what I said. Looking up at me she said, "I guess you're right. His not noticing probably kept me safe so that we could get Lissa back."
I interrupted her. "No, so that YOU could save Lissa detka. YOU saved Lissa, if it weren't for you, we would never have found her. And most definitely not in time to save her from what that lunatic Victor had in mind for her. YOU saved her angel moya, we only assisted you." (baby, my)
"You can't be serious..."
"Of course, I'm serious detka." I could tell just by looking at her that she didn't believe me. That doubting herself bred sivoy kobyly is just more of that not just wrongful training that we were discussing earlier. But it also came from Janine's and my own mistreatment of her. (baby, bullshit)
"All right answer me this, if you had not tracked her down, if you had not been there to lead us, if you had not been there to tell us what was going on. Then how in the world would we have ever found her and how long would it have taken us to find her? Or I guess I should say would we have ever found her, let alone in time to save her? You led us straight to her Roza moya. Just you. We followed YOU." (my)
"You really think so?" She questioned me as if she wasn't as sure of that as I was.
"Yes, of course I do, and I am not the only one. You ask anyone that was on the recovery team, Alberta, Headmistress Kirova, Dr. Oldenzki, Christian, Lissa, and the other guardians. They will every single one of them tell you that you are the one and only reason that we found her, as I said let alone found her in time to save her detka." (baby)
I watched as she lay there face to face with me, both of us on our sides on her very narrow twin size bed. Her with one of her arms around my waist the other up under her head. Me with one of my hands on her hip and my other arm under my own head just as hers was as she thought over what I'd said.
Eventually she looked stunned as she looked up and caught my eyes again. "Really?"
"Yes lyubov' moya, really." I assured her again. (my love)
"Huh. I guess I never really thought about it that way before."
"That's probably because you are so used to saving her, and everyone else who needs it, as much and often as possible. And no one outside of our circle realizing or acknowledging it. Plus, the fact that you hardly ever think anything positive about yourself Roza moya. Janine, the royals and their brainwashing and training, and even me to an extent. Have all deeply tarnished and damaged the way that you see and think of yourself." I replied with a self-deprecating smile. (my)
She nodded. "That's possible, as far as everyone but you go, I guess."
I shook my head, "Roza..."
"No, I won't stand for you lumping yourself in with people like all of them."
Nothing else was said for several minutes as we lay there running our hands and eyes all over each other, at least where we could in our clothes. Because I didn't want to argue with her, not right now, not about this, there was no need.
Getting back to her story she continued. "Anyway, the longer that I am outside of the wards the more and more painful and debilitating that the pain actually becomes. If I have to spend the night outside of the wards, then by morning I am unable to do much of anything. Which is one of the reasons why the house that we were staying at in Portland was warded. All of which is why baba has had all of his jets warded. It is also why Aunt Tati insisted that all three of the academy jets be warded, just in case I'm ever on one of them. And aside from the night that you brought us back to the academy, that has never happened because we've always traveled on one or another of my babanin private jets. But if the wards are thin, then it is still painful, just not as horrendously painful, as it is when there are no wards at all, and even with thin wards me some of the ghosts can still get through. The Dragomir's, my paternal grandmother, my paternal great grandparents, and great great grandparents. All do their absolute best to get between me and the other ghosts, the ones that wish to do me harm, in order to keep them away from me. All of them actually surround me in multiple layers and knock as many of the other ghosts away as they possibly can. They also let me know if and when the wards on the jets or around all of the academies and even all of the court locations need to be reinforced. So, if the wards around any of the courts or the other academies need to be reenforced then someone will tell me, and we get in touch with Aunt Tati and tell her. And if the wards here or on any of the jets need to be reenforced then I tell Aunt El and mommy Al and they have someone reinforce the wards immediately. Even if they have to wake them up. And they do it, not only to protect everyone from the strigoi. But to protect me, to try and keep me from being in so much pain. That is why mommy Al and Aunt El wanted us to take one of the academy SUVs, for me and Lissa to ride in, to Missoula that day. But Victor refused, saying that there was no problem with us taking his instead. Lissa and I have wondered, since we found out that it was him behind it all. If he knew how much pain it was going to cause me to be in an unwarded vehicle. And if he did know if he was hoping that because of the pain I would have to stay behind, and he could have taken Lissa that day instead of the night of the Equinox Dance. You remember he kept saying that I kept getting in the way of his plans by being around Lissa all the damn time?" (daddy, father's)
"Well, it was verynice of them to make sure all of the academy transport has been warded insidefor you. And yes, I do remember him saying that. Now that you mentioned it thatmay very well have been his first plan. And once again you thwarted him and hisplan by looking after Lissa."