Chapter 23
Mabigat ang pakiramdam ko kinabukasan. I'm not sure if it's because of my pregnancy or because of the argument I had with Terrence last night. Hindi ako nakatulog nang maayos sa kakaisip sa kaniya.
His words keeps on lingering in my head. The pain in his eyes when he said that he thought our love for each other was enough for us to get married always play in my ears.
Heaven knows that I want to marry him. It's just that he was too quick to decide about things he isn't even sure about. Dahil ang totoo, ako mismo sa sarili ko ay may alanganin na tatagal ang relasyon namin.
He can't blame me if I have this kind of mindset. He is the first man who has taken me seriously. The first man I let myself get involved with despite our age gap. I have so many insecurities when it comes to that. I have so many what ifs.
Hindi ba puwedeng alisin ko muna sa sistema ko ang mga 'yon bago ako pumayag sa gusto niya? That way, we can have a healthy relationship.
Kung sa bagay, pumayag naman na siya na huwag munang magpakasal. Iyon naman ang gusto ko, hindi ba? Ayaw kong matali kami sa isa't isa kasi maaaring dumating sa puntong magbago pa ang isip niya.
Pero bakit pakiramdam ko, nasasaktan ako sa ginawa kong pagtanggi sa kaniya?
I know. I'm very confusing at this moment.
"Ma'am Priscilla, may I just remind you that you have a meeting with Mrs. Parker at one in the afternoon in Solaire hotel."
Huminga ako nang malalim habang nakikinig sa mga sinasabi ng sekretarya ko sa kabilang linya. I'm still lying on the bed. Wala akong balak pumasok sa trabaho dahil na rin sa bigat ng katawan ko. I was even experiencing repeated vomiting.
"Please reschedule it by next week. I'm feeling under the weather right now." namamaos ang boses na sabi ko.
"Okay, ma'am. I will inform her secretary right away. Please get well soon."
"Thanks. Ikaw na muna bahala diyan."
I hang the phone up. Ipinikit ko ang mga mata. I felt my stomach grumbling again but I don't have the appetite to eat anything. Gusto ko na lang sumuka nang sumuka kahit masiyado nang mahapdi ang sikmura ko.
Gusto kong tawagan si Terrence at sabihin sa kaniya ang nararamdaman ko ngayon pero masiyado naman akong maarte no'n. Isa pa, hindi rin siya nagpaparamdam sa akin simula kagabi. I guess he's still mad at me.
Naiintindihan ko. Kahit sino naman ang matanggihan sa alok na kasal ay magtatampo o magagalit.
Tumayo ako sa kama nang maramdaman ang muling pagbaliktad ng sikmura ko. I ran towards the bathroom the moment I felt the bitter taste in my mouth.
Napaluhod ako sa harapan ng toilet bowl at doon dumuwal. It's just frustrating that nothing's really coming out of my stomach but the pain was intense.
Paanong may ilalabas kung wala pa nga akong kinakain!
Humigpit ang hawak ko sa gilid ng toilet bowl, habol ang hininga.
"Damn it!" I cursed as I puke my stomach out again.
Tears were already falling down my cheeks. My vision was starting to get blurry and I felt my strength slowly leaving my body.
Habang nagduduwal, ramdam ko ang paghawak ng buhok ko sa likuran at ang marahang paghaplos sa aking likod. Natigilan ako at kahit nakakaramdam nang matinding panghihina ay lumingon ako.
I saw Terrence squatting behind me. His smoldering pitch black eyes were stabbing into my soul like a sharp and pointed knife.
Walang emosyon ang mukha niya at mariin lang akong pinagmamasdan. Malayo sa nakasanayan ko. He doesn't even look worried.
So why is he here?
Muling umalon ang sikmura ko at humarap sa toilet bowl. The pain doubled it made groan loud and was followed by a soft sob.
"We'll go to the hospital." Terrence muttered while still caressing my back.
I didn't speak. Hinayaan ko ang sarili kong kumalma dahil ramdam ko ang pagkahilo ko at tila ba ano mang sandali, mawawalan bay ako ng malay.
Damn it. Is this part of pregnancy?
Ilang sandali pa at naging mapayapa na ang sikmura ko. I tried to lean my palms against the bowl and stood up. Naramdaman ko ang pagtayo rin ni Terrence sa likuran ko. Bago pa man ako humarap sa gawi niya, naramdaman ko na ang pag-angat ko sa sahig at ang pagkakakulong ko sa mga bisig niya.
I don't know why being in his arms at this moment made me tear up. The lump in my throat felt so huge it gave me a hard time swallowing.
Kaya imbes na tingnan siya, isiniksik ko na lang mukha sa dibdib niya at sinikap na lunukin ang mga luha ko.
Marahan akong inihiga ni Terrence sa kama. I tried hard to avoid his eyes but I know for sure that he was looking at me.
"Kumain ka na?" tanong niya.
Umiling ako.
He sighed. "What do you want to eat?"
Umiling ulit ako. Nakakainis! Bakit ang arte mo ngayon, Priscilla? Ikaw na nga itong may kasalanan ikaw pa itong may gana mag-inarte!
Gusto kong maghurimentado sa bulong ng isip ko. Kasalanan na ba ang kagustuhan na makasiguro muna bago sumabak sa isang seryosong desisyon?
"You have to eat. Hindi ka puwedeng magutom." istriktong aniya.
My eyes remained looking ahead of me. Alam kong hindi maganda ang itsura ko ngayon. I probably look like a mess right now but it's already out of my concern.
"Mamaya na. Masama pa ang sikmura ko. Kung kakain ako, baka isuka ko lang ulit."
He didn't say anything. He was just staring at me and for the first time, I felt intimidated.
My body slightly flinched when he brought his hand on my still flat stomach. Marahan niyang hinaplos ito pero nananatili pa rin akong iwas ang tingin sa kaniya.
"Since when are you experiencing this?"
"Ngayon pa lang."
"We need to have you checked then. Do you have the energy to go out?"
Isang tango lang ang isinagot ko. Narinig ko ang malalim niyang buntonghininga bago marahang tumayo mula sa kama. He walked towards the door. Saka pa lang ako tumingin sa gawi niya.
He was wearing his office clothes. May trabaho siya kung ganoon. Aalis na ba siya? Hindi na siya magpapaalam sa akin? Pero hindi ba at ang sabi niya ay pupunta kami sa hospital?
I looked away when he closed the door and glanced at me once more. Nang tuluyan na siyang makalabas ay nagbuga ako ng hangin. Nilingon kong muli ang direksyon na 'yon hanggang sa mauwi sa pagkatulala.
This is just a phase, Priscilla. You two will be alright. You don't expect him to be fine after of what happened between the two of you last night.
Mabuti nga at kahit masama ang loob niya, narito pa rin siya para tingnan ka.
Kahit masama ang pakiramdam ay pinilit ko ang kumilos at maligo na. Hindi na ulit bumalik si Terrence. Siguro ay umalis na lang siya. Ayos lang naman. Puwede naman ako magpasama kay Mommy para sa check up na ito.
After wearing a boyfriend denim jeans and a black spaghetti loose top, I combed my hair and didn't bother to put any make up. Diretso akong lumabas ng kwarto para lang kaagad na mapahinto.
Terrence was standing in the middle of the living room. Nakatalikod siya sa gawi ko habang may kausap sa cell phone at nakapameywang ang isang kamay.
"Ganoon ba talaga 'yon, Ma? Please tell me if that's a dangerous sign," he sighed. "I'm getting worried here."
Si Tita Tatiana ba ang kausap niya? At ako ba ang pinag-uusapan nila? Wala naman sinabing pangalan pero baka kasi ang tungkol sa pagsusuka ko kanina ang tema nila.
Pretending that I didn't hear him, I walked past him and went to the kitchen. Kumuha ako ng pitsel ng malamig na tubig sa refrigerator at nagsalin sa baso. Ininom ko ito halos mapapikit nang maramdaman ang ginhawa na idinulot nito sa sikmura ko.
I opened my eyes only to see Terrence standing against the refrigerator. He was leaning his body against it while staring at me.
"I ordered a light breakfast for you. Kumain ka muna bago tayo umalis." seryosong aniya.
Umiling ako. "No need. Cold water is fine. Wala rin akong gana kumain."
Hindi siya sumagot, naiwang nakatitig sa akin. Tumango siya at inalis ang pagkakasandal sa refrigerator.
"We'll just grab something on the road then. Hindi puwedeng walang laman ang tiyan mo."
Hindi niya na ako hinintay pang sumagot at tumalikod na. I watched him walk away from me, his gestures were obviously restrained.
I wonder if we're going to stay this way for the next couple of days. Kung ganito lang rin, huwag na lang muna kami magkita. Mas gugustuhin ko 'yon kaysa naman ang magkasama nga pero malamig ang pakikitungo niya sa akin.
Pero maisip ko pa lang na hindi ko siya makakasama at makikita ng ilang araw, nalulungkot na ako.
I was eating a plant based burger while on the road. Hindi talaga pumayag si Terrence na hindi ako kakain kahit na kaunti kaya nag-drive thru siya.
Pumayag na rin ako dahil wala rin naman akong magagawa. Now that I am carrying his baby, I have to be careful.
"Have you already scheduled an appointment here?" I asked while we're walking along the hallway of the hospital.
"Yes. Last night."
Oh. He didn't inform me.
"Kilala mo ang titingin sa akin?"
Tiningnan ko siya. Tumango siya bilang sagot at hindi na nagsalita pa. We don't look like a couple. Para lang kaming mga estranghero sa isa't isa. Parang nagkasabay lang sa paglalakad sa lugar na ito.
"Clarrise's friend."
Babae? Malamang. Bihira naman ang OB na lalaki, hindi ba? Kung mayroon man, iilan lang.
Hindi na ako nagsalita pa. Tumigil kami sa harap ng isang kahoy na pintuan. May nakasabit doon na pangalan ng doktora.
Dra. Charm Nicoline Rosales | Obstetrician
"Come in!" dinig kong sabi sa loob.
Terrence held the door knob and slowly twisted it. Marahan niya itong binuksan at isinilip ang ulo.
"Hi."
"Terrence!" I heard the doctor greet from the inside.
Hindi ko pa nakikita ang itsura niya dahil hindi pa gaanong bukas ang pintuan. Si Terrence pa lang ang nakakakita sa kaniya. At sa tono ng boses niya, naiirita na kaagad ako.
"Morning, Charm."
My eyes narrowed. Wow, first name basis?
"Good morning! Come in! Kanina ko pa kayo hinihintay."
Niluwagan na ni Terrence ang pagkakabukas. It finally revealed the doctor and right now, it was a big regret that I didn't take time to fix myself. I was too bare compared to her! She doesn't even look like a doctor but a damn super model with a goddess beauty!
Pasimple kong tiningnan si Terrence na nakatuon ang mga mata sa doktora. Kung puwede ko lang sana siya komprontahin kung bakit dito niya ako dinala, o sinadya niya ba para mainis ako, ginawa ko na.
But then that's too unprofessional.
"This is Priscilla," pakilala ni Terrence.
Ano, Priscilla lang? Wala ng kadugtong 'yon?
Ngumiti sa akin ang doktora at iniabot ang kamay.
"Priscilla, Terrence's girlfriend. Just in case he forgot to mention it." nagtatagis ang bagang na sabi ko at tinanggap ang kamay niya.
The woman smiled sweetly at me. "Hi, Priscilla. Yes, Terrence mentioned it to me last night when he called. He informed me that he'd bring his girlfriend here because you are pregnant. By the way, congratulations!"
Pasimple kong tiningnan si Terrence. He was looking at me, his eyes were taunting. Para bang sa tingin niyang 'yon ay napapahiya na ako.
Sinabi naman pala, Priscilla! Why still need to emphasize that you are his girlfriend!
At mabuti pa siya, tinawagan kagabi. Ako na pasilip silip sa cell phone at naghihintay sa kaniya, walang natanggap.
"Thanks. Can you check me now? I already want to rest on my place."
"Oh!" she giggled and even glanced at Terrence before anchoring her eyes back to me. "Yeah, sure. Don't worry I know you are experiencing morning sickness now but it will pass by. Kasama talaga iyan sa first trimester."
Tumango lang ako. Inaya niya na ako sa isang maliit na kwarto na nahaharangan ng kurtina. She had me lie down on a single bed that it's surely made for pregnant women.
Terrence, meanwhile, was sitting on a couch. He was watching me very carefully. Kahit kinakausap siya nung doktora, hindi niya pa rin inaalis ang tingin niya sa akin.
Charm asked me to unbutton my pants and pulled the hem of my top up. May kinuha siyang device katabi ang isang monitor at nilagyan iyon ng tila jelly o petroleum. She rolled it on my stomach and the coldness of it sent shiver deep down my spine.
"Oh, wow. I'm seeing two little cute beans."
Nagsalubong ang mga kilay ko sa sinabi ni Charm habang titig na titig sa monitor. She was still rolling the device across my stomach.
"What does that mean, Charm?" Terrence asked who was now standing beside me.
Humagikhik si Charm at tiningnan kami parehas.
"Your girlfriend is carrying twins, Terrence. Congratulations!"
Umawang ang labi ko at wala sa sariling tiningnan si Terrence. His lips were a bit parted while looking at the monitor.
Kambal ang dinadala ko?
"For real?" he asked.
"Yup! Right now, we won't be able to hear their heartbeat since Priscilla is just seven weeks pregnant. Wait for few more weeks and come back here again. As for the gender reveal, wait till she hits the second trimester."
For a moment, I saw how his eyes turn bloodshot and a bit glassy. It's as if that news shocked the hell out of him. Ako rin naman. Hindi inaasahan na kambal ang dinadala ko.
Tiningnan ako ni Terrence. I smiled at him. He didn't smile back and that pissed me off! I was even expecting him to slouch down, kiss me and say that he's fucking happy!
Pero wala! Nakatayo lang siya sa tabi ko. Tinititigan ang monitor habang pasulyap sulyap sa akin.
Mas iniintindi niya ba talaga ang ginawa kong pagtanggi sa alok niyang kasal kaysa sa magandang balita na ito?
Sa inis, ni hindi ko na nagawang intindihin ang mga bilin ni Charm sa mga dapat kong inumin na vitamins. I let Terrence deal with those.
These pregnancy hormones were making me extra sensitive and I hate it! I ain't hating that I am pregnant. I am hating the kind of emotions that I wasn't supposed to feel right now.
Tahimik ako sa buong biyahe. Nagngingitngit ang kalooban ko at ayaw kong ipaalam 'yon sa kaniya. Ang nakakainis pa, sa kabila ng pananahimik ko ay tila ba hindi niya man lang napapansin 'yon.
Pagkarating sa basement ng penthouse ko ay mabilis akong bumaba ng kotse niya. Marahas kong isinara ang pintuan na naglikha nang malakas na echo sa lugar.
Malalaki ang naging hakbang ko papasok sa building. I even heard his door shut loud but I just ignored it.
Dali-dali akong sumakay sa elevator. I pressed the close button quickly so he won't be able to ride with me.
Nakarating ako sa penthouse nang hindi siya kasama. Lumingon lingon pa ako dahil baka mas nauna pa siya sa akin. Pero wala. Baka umuwi na rin o nagpunta sa kung saan.
Bahala na siya. I am done pretending that I am not hurting with the way he's treating me. Kahit pa mali ako.
I pressed the code on the digital door lock. Nang magbukas ito ay kaagad akong pumasok. Ganoon na lang ang pagtalon ng puso ko nang maramdaman ko ang paghawak sa palapulsuhan ko at ang pagpihit sa akin paikot.
Terrence's chiseled chest welcomed me. His arms wrapped around my body as my palms were unconsciously resting against his chest.
Our eyes met. Mariin ko siyang tinitigan.
"Leave me alone." I uttered.
Iyon pa lang ang nasasabi ko pero halos nag-uunahan na sa pagpatak ang mga luha ko.
He chuckled. "That's the first plan... to leave you alone... while I cool myself down..." He sighed and slightly tightened his hug on me as if he missed me. "But I can't."
"If you're worrying about my pregnancy, then I'm fine. I can take care of myself-"
"I'm more worried about losing you during the process of calming myself down, Priscilla. Baka habang nagpapalamig ako ng ulo, maisip mo bigla na hindi ako ang tipo ng lalaki na gusto mo. I remember that you hate petty fights and I just gave you one."
No. It's not petty. You have the rights to get mad at me. I rejected you. It made you feel unloved.
"Ako dapat ang nagtatampo pero naisip kong baka nga masiyado kitang nabigla sa ginawa ko. I won't say that it was an impulsive decision because if I'd be given a chance to do it again, I woud. Aayain pa rin kita..." huminto siya para patakan ako ng halik sa aking noo. "Dahil 'yon ang gusto ko."
"But you don't seem very happy that I am carrying twins. You didn't even hold my hand. Tinitigan mo lang ako!"
Hindi pa rin ako nakaka-move on doon.
Humalakhak siya. "You have no idea how bad I wanted to kiss you and suck your tongue out earlier. I was just getting ahold of myself because I already noticed that you were being jealous of Charm since we arrived at her clinic."
Ngumuso ako habang nakasiksik pa rin ang mukha sa dibdib niya.
"I did it on purpose, Priscilla. That way, I could have my revenge on my girlfriend for rejecting my marriage proposal." he chuckled.
Marahan akong kumawala sa pagkakasiksik sa dibdib niya at tiningala siya.
"Terrence, I'm really sorry. Rejecting your proposal doesn't mean that I don't love you. Nag-aalala lang talaga ako na dumating ang panahon na pagsawaan mo ako. Pagsisihan na nagpatali ka kaagad sa akin. That's possible to happen since we just knew each other for a short time," paliwanag ko.
Mariin niya akong pinagmasdan. The anger and pain I saw in his eyes last night weren't there anymore. All I can see now is the understanding about the situation. Understanding what I really want and not forcing what he thought is right.
"May mga bagay pa tayong madidiskubre sa isa't isa. Gusto ko lang naman patagalin ang relasyon natin para bigyan ka ng panahon na kilalanin ako... ganoon rin ako sa'yo... at maging mas sigurado ka pa sa akin."
He licked his lip and nodded his head once. Hindi niya pa rin ako binibitawan na tila ba ayaw na niya akong pakawalan.
"I'm sorry. It's just that I have never been this in love with a woman," he said and tugged me close for a gentle embrace this time. "Just tell me when you're finally ready. I will gladly buy you a new ring."
Natawa ako at ipinulupot na rin ang mga kamay paikot sa bewang niya. Huminga ako nang malalim at ipinikit ang mga mata.
Aaminin kong lumuwag na ang pakiramdam ko sa mga sandaling ito. Dahil maayos na kami kahit papaano. Communicating is really important when it comes to a relationship.
"I will. But I want to keep the first ring, too," I said. "A remembrance that I once rejected a Monasterio."
He chuckled, his tone was laced with amusement.
"And that's an achievement?"
"Of course. You are a Monasterio. Women are willing to kneel just to be noticed by you. Ang ganda ko para tanggihan ka, hindi ba?"
"Hmm," he slightly distanced himself from me and stared into my eyes. A ghost of smirk was rolling over his lips. "Damn right. And those women has no match against you. Sila ang luluhod sa akin. Pero sa ating dalawa, ako ang luluhod sa harapan mo."
Humalakhak ako at hinaplos ang perpektong hugis ng panga niya.
"Patay na patay ka sa akin."
Lumalim ang ngisi niya. Inilapit niya ang mukha sa akin at itinagilid ito. Pinatakan niya ako nang malambot na halik sa aking labi.
"Gandang-ganda lang."
—
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