*TW!!! Mentions of anxiety attacks*
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The day the Kazansky family dreaded had finally came, all the pain and sadness in the air was suffocating Olivia and she hated it. She hated how everything about this day was filled with so much pain, pain that she didn't even know how to acknowledge. It was so bad for her that she hadn't even gone down to start heading out with the family for the ceremony. Her family were all downstairs waiting by the entrance of the house for her but when they realized it was far too much time passing by Peter and Bradley shared a look and both made their way up to her room. Upon knocking they saw her sitting in front of her vanity mirror staring off into space in her dress blues. Peter sighed as he made his way over to stand behind her, placing his hands on her shoulders she only gave him a small smile whether it was real or not. Bradley remained at the door as he didn't know what to do in the moment since him and Olivia were still only getting back to being on good terms. He didn't want to push his luck. Peter stared at his sister, noticing the bags under her eyes despite her trying to cover them up, the red in her eyes clearly from crying. He hadn't seen her this bad since, well since the passing of their mother than shortly after the abandonment of their father.
"Li were all waiting on you to go. Are you ready?" Olivia tilted her head to a side and scoffed as she got up harshly causing his hands to drop, she walked towards her bed and turned around to face her brother.
"Am I ready to go? How could I possibly be ready for something I don't want to go to?" Peter stepped in front of her to try and reason with her but she shoved him away. She was closing herself of and it was killing him yo see her this way.
"Li don't do that please don't." The tone in his voice sounded like pleading and how Olivia hated that. She hated how he couldn't ever She her more than the little girl she once was.
"Don't do what huh?"
"Don't start pushing people away because you're afraid of the outcome. If you keep this up you're going to lose more than you could possibly imagine Olivia." Bradley only watched the scene in front of him as the two siblings both fought. One to be left alone and the other to not be shut out again.
"I am fine I do not need a lecture from anyone else I know what I'm doing." He scrunched his face at her clearly upset.
"Please Olivia just come to the funeral. Grandma needs us all there." She shook her head as another flow of tears came streaming down her face.
"Why should I go? I wasn't there when he needed me, I don't deserve to say goodbye"
"Olivia please." He placed his hands on her shoulder trying to reason with the girl in front of him but he rarely ever won. Bradley's heart only chipped away more and more as the girl he cared for was completely and utterly broken.
"I never got to say goodbye." She broke down in front of them and Peter caught her in his arms. Stroking her hair gently as he let her do whatever necessary to gain the strength to go. When she had finally managed to calm down she sat on her bed and wiped away tears and Bradley made his way over to her and sat next to her, giving Peter a look of "I got this".
"I'll be downstairs for whenever you're ready." He turned to leave and Bradley only stared in front of him trying to think of what to say. As he was about to speak Olivia stopped him and he turned to face her.
"Olivia I know things are getting overwhelming but you gotta talk about this it's not healthy." She shook her head as she sat on her bed, Bradley stood as he didn't know whether or not she wanted him there.
"I can't talk about it Bradley...not to anyone. I just don't know how." More tears fell from her eyes and Bradley sat down next to her and brought her to him. Bradley knew the one person who could talk to her about this was Jake but then again, the two weren't speaking and he was now preoccupied with his girlfriend May. He walked up to her and held out his hand for her to take although she of course hesitated because she didn't want to move from where she was.
"I promised I wasn't going anywhere in this very same room, now I never said how or in what situation me and you'd be in but I plan on keeping that promise and I'll stand with you the whole time." Olivia looked at him with tears in her eyes and she took his hand into her's and got up and fixed herself and Bradley extended his arm for her to wrap her's around his and they proceeded to go downstairs where the rest of the family were waiting for them. Her grandmother had the saddest look of all of them, she lost her love and best friend everyone's grief was different but her's was different to them all. Peter gave his best smile to her but Olivia knew deep down he was crumbling because he was the father he needed and now he was gone. The drive to the cemetery was quiet, nobody dared to speak but the little ones talked amongst themselves because they knew he was gone but they didn't fully understand like Noah did and he too had a blank expression and Olivia knew he was much like his father who struggled to express what they felt and wouldn't ever speak about it. When they arrived it all sinked in for her, the knot that was in her stomach tightened and every step she took towards the casket that was going to be carried by other pilots made her want to run out of there and collapse from all the anxiety that was building within her. Her grandmother stood first behind the casket with Pete, then it was Olivia's Aunt's and Uncles behind followed by Peter and Olivia and the rest of the grandkids and great-grandchildren, the closer they got to the guest's the more she felt the pain in her chest as her hands began to sweat and of course Peter saw this and he grabbed her hand and lead her to where the rest of the pilots stood taking her to her squad and they all gave a sympathetic smile until she was met by Jake who stood there and stared at her trying to read her eyes as if they could possibly tell him how she was feeling because he hadn't been able to do so and it killed him to be so out of the know but Olivia quickly diverted her eyes elsewhere before letting go of Peter's hand to stand in between Bradley and Natasha and he kissed her forehead before walking to the other end to stand with his grandmother and kids. The preacher began the service and for the whole time he spoke Olivia zoned out and didn't even realize when he was calling her name for the eulogy until Bradley nudged her and she snapped out of it and looked at him and he mouthed "your turn" and Olivia slowly nodded and walked up to where the preacher stood and with shaky hands and breath she opened what she had written for the eulogy.
"When I was asked to write something for this very day I immediately thought was does one write for a moment like this when all I want to do is scream out to the universe and continue to question; Why him?" Everyone listened carefully especially her family and friends since none of them knew what she had written and Jake looked at her directly in the eyes when she looked up as she struggled to continue on but something about the way he looked at her made her be at peace almost as if he brought her peace and she was able to look back down to what she had written. "To many he was Admiral Kazansky, a friend, a brother, a husband, a father and grandfather but to me he was everything, to me he was the air that I would breath whenever it would get sucked out of me, the arms that consoled me whenever my heart was heavy. There were countless times were he saved me literally and figuratively, he took me and my brother far away from a toxic environment and brought us to a loving and caring one, he taught me everything there is to know about aviation the reason I fly is not just because I love it but also because of him. He had made me a promise nearly a month ago and that was that we'd fly together because I was having a bad day....we never did get to do that and to be honest I knew it was no longer possible but God how much I wanted it to happen and how much I still do to this day, I found the notepad he had written it on and in my grieving I tore it apart because the anger I have within me took over. My grandfather didn't solely play the role of a grandfather but also that of a father, a role he wasn't supposed to take on but he did with no hesitation and I will never know anyone who could've loved me more than him. All I ask from him is that he waits for me so we can fly together in the sky's again but until then we all bury a friend." Olivia let out a huge breath she had held in since she began her speech and when she walked down Pete walked up and when they passed each other he saw how broken she looked even if she was hiding it, it was all in the eyes. Olivia only gave him a half smile, she wasn't going to fight right now with him despite him hiding his condition from her. When she walked back she once again made eye contact with Jake and oh how she wished to stand next to him and for him to comfort her like he always does but in the position the two were in denied her of it, she was grieving for so many reason and everything within her was ready to cave in, she stood and watched as Pete slammed his wings into her grandfathers casket and saluted him like the rest did and the guns were fired and the planes flew over them all in memory of him. The flag was slowly folded and handed to her grandmother with so much care as the casket was slowly lowered into the ground where her grandfather would be laid to rest and the entire time Olivia stood there motionless and her peers worried for her especially Jake. After the ceremony many of the guests walked up to the family and expressed their condolences it was one after another and Olivia had grown sick of hearing the same words over and over again that she stormed off to a tree far away from where her grandfather was buried and she leaned on the tree to support her legs that wanted to give out so badly as her tears fell down her face and she let harsh breaths out trying to make the odd pit in her chest go away but she knew all too well what was going to happen. Olivia was going to have yet another panic attack. Whenever she got one her whole body would collapse and there were times where she'd lay on the ground gasping for air because her mind was to busy with all the thoughts flooding her head that she'd forget to breath. Jake took notice of this and immediately made his way over to her forgetting the state the two were in. When he reached her she looked at him and held out a hand indicating for him to go away.
"Olivia, don't push me away not now when you need me." His pleading voice only made things worse for her because of the many reasons she was in this state, he was one of them.
"I-I-I'm fine, please just don't-"She tried to speak but she could hardly breath and her legs gave out and Jake rushed to catch her before her body hit the ground causing many heads to turn and for family to run to her. Jake held her close to him as he laid her head on his chest and removed the hair from her face. In that moment everything within him broke because to see her in this state always broke him and with the possibility of him being a reason why only broke him more.
"Olivia please I need you to breath. Just feel the rhythm of my heart okay and try to match it alright?" Jakes voice was laced with worry and desperation because how much could he truly do for her? Peter ran up next to him and saw Olivia holding onto Jake for dear life and he kneeled down cupping her face in his hands and his brotherly instincts switched on.
"Olivia, hey hey it's okay you gotta breath alright." Jake and Peter gave each other a look and the two knew this wasn't going to get better any time soon. Olivia's eyes were fluttering as her body was far too strained to help keep her awake, and her brain wasn't receiving enough oxygen. Peter gently slapped her face as he held it in his hands and frantically tried to keep her awake, seeing her this way was nothing he wanted to ever happen. Family members all circled around to see what was going on and it only made it more difficult to focus on her with them all crowding, Peter turned to look at them all and found Noah his eldest child frozen in place trying to keep his siblings back.
"Noah, get them away from her okay they can't see her this way okay." When Noah wouldn't respond he got even more frustrated and yelled his name to gain his attention. "Hey buddy I need you to do this for me okay, I promise she's okay." Noah nodded and did as he was told and took his siblings elsewhere to distract them from the chaos.
"What happened!" Pete came up to the two as the rest of the pilots took the family towards the cars to give them room, there he saw the girl he considered to be his niece fighting for air.
"She started having a panic attack and all of sudden she's collapsing to the floor and she can't breath, Mav I don't like this one bit she needs help now!" Jakes frustration was clear and the two other men were well aware of it.
"She needs to get to a hospital, it hasn't been this bad in years. Jake pick her up we're leaving now we don't have time to wait for them to come to us." Jake didn't even hesitate as he scooped her into his arms and carried her into Maverick car and Peter followed closely behind. Their grandmother had a worried expression but Peter looked at her to let her know he had her and that she'd be okay. Jake sat in the back with Olivia laid across him and the empty seats with Peter in front with Maverick and Jake wouldn't take his eyes off of her, everything that was once on his mind left him and he centered his focus on her. Olivia was fighting to keep her eyes open and Jake shook her to keep her awake.
"No no no, Olivia you gotta stay awake okay just hold on. Please." Olivia tried so hard but her body was shutting down on her and she had no more fight in her, it was almost as if she didn't even want to try and fight. Jake yelled for maverick to go faster and he did just that, writhing minutes they arrived to the Emergency entrance and Peter opened the door for Jake to get out and get Olivia help. When they walked through the entrance the three men with a nearly lifeless body in the arms of one drew attention from the staff and they rushed to them.
"What's her name sir?" Jake couldn't respond it's almost as if the moment her body touched the gurney he finally acknowledged that Olivia was not okay. Pete spoke up for him as he noticed his state and spoke to them as Peter and Jake followed behind as they rushed down the halls to work on her.
"Her name is Olivia Maeve Kazansky, she's 26 years old and has a history of panic attacks but this time it's gotten out of hand we can't get her to control her breathing." The doctor nodded and they checked her airway to see if she was even protecting it and when he rushed for them to hand intubate her they knew it was far worse than they had imagined.
"She's experiencing what is known as tachycardia where the heart beats far too fast that it can't properly pump blood to the body and that's where the oxygen cuts off. We need to get her intubated stat do I have the okay from you?" Pete nodded without second guessing it and the doctor made sure they did just that and the nurses kicked them out of the room and into the hallway to give them room and that left them all to pace back and forth through the halls. Peter sat with his head in his hands with his tie undone and handing across his neck, Maverick stood facing the window that overlooked the parking lot and had one hand on Peters shoulder. Jake however couldn't bring himself to sit down, the entire time they had been there he was anxiously pacing around at one point he began to undo his tie so aggressively when he couldn't get free of it quick enough. Maverick looked over at him and sighed as he walked up to him to stop him from walking any further.
"Kid you gotta calm yourself, it won't do you any good to be this way and it won't do her jay good either." Jake scoffed and shook his head.
"I can't do any good to her. How can I sit and act like what's going on in that room is okay? I couldn't help her calm down, when she needed me I couldn't help her!" Maverick looked at him knowing the position he was in was all too familiar for him.
"You helped her most out of everyone, when she needed someone she'd go to you Jake. She needs you and in order for you to do that you have got to trust that she will be okay."
"But what if she's not?" He said the words so quietly that his voice cracked. He couldn't lose her, not when he needed to make things right between them. He had moved on from the feelings he had for her in hopes of finding something similar in someone else but no one could ever be Olivia Kazansky. That girl had his heart and he needed her to know that. She couldn't give up on him just yet, not when there was so much left to say. Maverick sat him down in a chair as he broke completely in his arms not being able to know what would happen broke everything in him. Peters mind was flooded with all different kinds of outcomes, he had been here before with his mother. This situation was nothing new and it worried him that Olivia would get worse that she wouldn't recover from this. He used to think she'd exaggerated her panic attacks when they were younger, sure he knew she struggled and he'd always be there but he never knew it was this bad. What stopped him from going down a never ending rabbit whole was the team and family rushing into the waiting area near the rooms to see if there were any updates. Laura came up to Peter and sat next to him and she gave him a look as if asking if there was anything new, he could only shake his head no as she rubbed his back in a comforting way. Then the doctor walked out of the room and Peter, Jake and Bradley shot up from their seats to hear what he had to say.
"I'm guessing everyone here is family?" Everyone nodded, it didn't take blood to make them all family. "Well as you know she experienced a panic attack, one that was uncontrollable and forced her lungs to shut down from all the force of trying to breath. Her heart took a major toll so we put her into a medically induced coma which is her being heavily sedated to allow her body to recover from the lack of sleep, and oxygen. If I may ask has there been anything that could've caused such a reaction like this?" What couldn't have caused this to happen? Her whole life caused this.
"We just buried our grandfather." Peter spoke up and the doctor nodded as he wrote down on his clipboard.
"She's intubated and resting, there's monitors to check brain waves to make sure her brain is activate and getting oxygen. Jake shook his head hearing the things the doctor had to say. "Go in by 2 or 1 at a time. We have to be patient with her." Everyone nodded and there were sniffles around the room, the little ones clinched into their older brother for dear life. Noah couldn't help to feel guilty because he knew what happened a week ago and he didn't say anything to anyone to respect his aunts wish and he couldn't help but think, could this have been prevented? If he had chosen to go to someone about this, would she be okay? Peter turned to face his kids and saw Noah deep in thought and walked over and kneeled in front of him.
"Hey, whats got you so deep in thought?" Noah shook his head, he wasn't one who was known to express his feelings as much as the others did. "Come on you can talk to me, we shouldn't keep how we feel to ourselves."
"It's my fault." Peter looked at him confused and everyone around them looked at him. "She had a panic attack last week and I found her and she told me to not say anything and if hadn't listen maybe she would've been okay-"Peter cut him off by pulling him in for a hug and he held him so tightly while reassuring him it wasn't on him.
"This is not okay you, do you hear me? This is not on you." Noah sobbed in his shoulder, not being able to keep up a front. Jake couldn't help but try to think about last week, where Olivia saw him with his current "girlfriend" who was really only someone to attempt to get over her, but her reaction clearly broke her and he knew it. What once was a question of if he was a reason why she had a panic attack, the answer was yes. Yes he was. He walked out of there without saying anything and Bradley rushed out to follow him.
"Jake! Hey where you going?" Jake kept walking away and Bradley had to jog to catch up to him and stop him. Jake fought him and Bradley grabbed his shoulder putting him against a wall to stop him. "Stop it alright, aside from this what is wrong?"
"I'm the reason she's having this panic attacks more frequently, shes in there because of me."
"No don't say that-"
"How Bradley? How can I not, the women I love more than anything is laying in a hospital room with machines breathing for her!" Bradley's face went from being stern to soft, he knew how much he himself cared for her but Jake was the one who truly loved her.
"If you love her then you know that you're not the cause of any of this, if you love her you'll set aside whatever doubt you have and be there for her because out of everyone she needs you most."
"I've only caused her pain, knowing what her father did to her and vowing to never be the man to hurt her and yet I did just that." He shoved Bradley away and walked out of the hospital and he let him go he knew he needed time, he only hoped he'd be smart and realize that she needed him.