After staying up all night, my head pounding and my legs feeling like jelly because of all the walking, I go to the chateau. It's the only place that I could stay at the moment.
But I hated this. I hated that whenever I came back I had to ask them to stay at the chateau. I thought they felt that I was using them. But I wasn't and would never.
I open the glass door to where all the pogues, and Sarah for some reason, were sitting and walk towards them.
"Well hello princess." JJ lights up a joint.
"Hey Gia." John B says, dryly.
"Can I uh-" I stutter.
This was really hard for me. Even though he was one of my best friends, I don't like asking for things.
"Can I stay here for a bit?" I ask.
"Your mom kick you out?" John B says, pulling a sarcastic sad face as Sarah laughs.
He's never been this rude.
"Very funny, so can I?"
"No, you're not welcome here." John B replies.
It had been me, JJ and John B since kindergarten, since me and Kiara have different dads, my dad took me to pogue school instead and my mom didn't care.
We've been best friends for the longest time, every summer we were all basically roommates, hanging out at the chateau. So
why not now?
I looked at Kiara, seeing her face was as confused as mine.
"What- why?" I look at him.
I look back at Kiara, her face not so confused anymore, but why?
"Guys-" JJ says, only to be interrupted by her.
"You're doing it again?" Kiara stands up, facing me dead in the eye.
"What?" I say, confused.
"Drugs, aren't you?" she asks.
I look at the pogues, I see Pope's face turn the other way in disbelief, and John B looking at the ground, avoiding eye contact with me.
But JJ looked right at me, with no emotions in his face.
"You all knew? Didn't you?" she yells.
"I didn't." JJ sighs, still looking at me.
He knows that he would've been the first person I told if I wanted to go back to my past actions, but I didn't tell him at all. I had the need for drugs but didn't do it. Thanks to Rafe.
"Calm down, it's fine, lets just-" Pope starts.
"No, it's not fine!" JJ shouts.
"What's going on Gia?" he keeps looking at me.
"I don't know-" I stutter, tired of all the shouting.
"What's going on with you?" he says.
"I don't know!" I yell back.
None of them were giving me any time to talk.
JJ rolls his eyes, pushing past Pope and leaving the chateau, making tears fill my eyes.
"Were you gonna tell me?" Kiara says, calmly.
"Yeah but I didn't-"
Before I can even finish my sentence, Kiara shoves past me and follows JJ out of the chateau.
It's almost as if they expected this. Almost that they expected I couldn't get better which just made me doubt myself even more.
Pope and John B look at me, then at each other, basically waiting for me to leave.
"So you're gonna let a kook stay here and not me?" I say, referring to Sarah in the corner.
"Go." John B states.
Sarah didn't interact with anyone, just looked down at her lap. Which was necessary because it wasn't really her business, I didn't know her.
I got the message and left the chateau from where I came, going in another direction from Kiara and JJ.
And just when I thought my life would piece back together because I finally got out of rehab, I was once again proven wrong.
My parents don't want me, my sister doesn't, my friends don't - not even my best friend.
My life is officially a mess. I have nobody.
My mind is filled with anger and I didn't know how to solve it other than drugs. It was the only option for me but I wish I wasn't. Usually when I had that feeling, I would talk to JJ about it, but that's no use now.
I ran towards for minutes to Barry's house, the adrenaline rushing through my body until I finally reached my destination.
"Barry!" I shout, knocking on the door harshly.
No answer.
I was so desperate for drugs that I felt as if I had to have them now. There had to be a way.
I punched the door, the only result being my knuckles scraped. Then I turned around, banging my head on the door continuously until the door finally dropped down.
I stepped over it and opened all the cupboards in his kitchen, chucking the glasses and cups, searching for the drugs.
Where was it?
I stormed to his room, opening the cupboard door and seeing his famous duffel bag. I laugh to myself. I unzip the bag, my hands trying to pick up whatever I imagined would be inside until I looked. There was nothing.
"No." a sob quietly comes out. I need them.
I look under his bed, in his drawers, inside his jackets. Nothing.
I slowly walk to the hallway, leaning myself on the wall and slowly sliding down it, balling my eyes out. No one's there for me, but drugs always calmed me down. I need them, and they weren't there, just like everyone in my life.
I feel like I've gone crazy. My tears were all over my face and my eyes, as I laughed realising what a mess I was.
I thought once I came back from the asylum, everything would change for the better. Not for the worse.
I look up, trying to drown my tears in my eyes, instead seeing Rafe in-front of me, only making me sob even harder.
"This is bad, this is really really bad." I cry.
The worst thing was, was that he looked at me as if I was some sort of monster.
"I'm so- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."
"I ca- I just- I don't know what to do." I blurt out, my hands rubbing my eyes.
"I'm sorry." I look at him, tears were running down my face and I couldn't stop them.
"What have you done?" he looked down at me.
I bury my head down, not looking at him or making any kind of contact.
"You broke into a drug dealer's house, how the fuck do you think he's gonna take that?" he yells.
I just wanted him to stop yelling. I couldn't take anymore, first my mum, then the pogues and now this shit? I starts shaking, my hands covering my ears.
"Hey-" Rafe says calmly.
"Please don't tell anyone." I sob.
"I promise, I won't."
I sigh, looking up at him. I sniff, wiping my nose and then standing up to his level.
"What do you need?" he asks, his eyes immediately softening.
"I'm sorry but- I need you to tell me where they are." I sob.
He chuckles, his tongue poking the inner corner of his mouth and his gesture shows he's about to leave.
"Wait, Rafe-" I say, holding his biceps to turn him back around to face me.
"Yeah?"
"I just need someone right now."
"I got that." he smirks.
"You got that?" my eyebrows raise.
"All day."
~
I sobbed in Rafe's arms for what felt like a decade. I don't know why he put up with me.
Then out of the blue, he gets up, walking towards Barry's bedroom, for a reason I don't know.
"What are you doing?" I ask.
"Getting high."
As soon as I hear that, I sprint towards Barry's room, seeing Rafe with a small bag and pouring out weed, coke, oxy and cigarettes. How did he find this so easily?
I'm about to take the coke, sitting down to get ready until he slaps my hand.
"Fuck you." I say sarcastically, rolling my eyes.
He takes the cigarettes and gives me one and himself, taking a lighter out of his pocket and holding it with his mouth while he sits down on the bed next to me.
I put it in my mouth as he lights his first. He then brings his towards mine in his mouth and the fire latches onto mine.
I wasn't addicted to cigarettes, only drugs, mostly coke.
We both smoke almost simultaneously and end up getting high, laying on Barry's bed.
I told him all about the pogues and how fun they were, until what they did to me. I know I'm messed up, but friends should be there for you, all the time.
"If you could do anything differently, what would you do?" he asks, turning to me with his red eyes.
"Hm, never do drugs?" I laugh as he does too.
~
I left the shack after an hour and I walk for hours on end, around the cut and figure eight until it got dark. That's when I decided I should probably find some place to stay.
I considered going to my dad's house, but that would just end even worse than at my mom's. People probably think I don't even have a dad, he never comes out of his house. Only ever to get beer.
I go into the woods, remembering the Hawk's Nest (the treehouse) from ages ago when all the pogues and I got drunk for the first time.
I try to find it, and after a few minutes I see it. Those are memories I would never want to let go of.
I climb up it, opening the squeaky door and seeing a not so big wooden space. How did we all fit in here before?
I smile to myself, seeing the beer bottles from ages ago, stashed in the mini drawer, which was wide open. So much for hiding it.
I wedge into the corner, curling up and laying my head in my hands, closing my eyes.
I'll figure it out. I always do.