The opening shot of the sun over Blood Gulch. It slides down to reveal Sarge and Donut watching over the canyon from Red Base.
Donut: So, just you and me hanging out at the base today, huh Sarge! This is new. I notice you use a shotgun. That's cool. I just use this pistol. It works for me. (whistles casually) So, you think the guys will be back soon? What do you think they're up to? Do you think they stopped at the store? I noticed we were getting pre-tty low on elbow grease. ...When you die, can I have your armor?
Simmons comes up the ramp behind them.
Simmons: Hey, we're back!
Sarge and Donut turn around.
Donut: Oh man, am I glad to see you guys! Sarge would not stop talking. Seriously.
Sarge: Grif, Simmons, were you able to work out a suitable exchange?
Grif runs up and stands next to Simmons.
Simmons: (sighs) Uhh, not exactly sir. You see, when we showed up the Blues were doing something, REALLY weird and then w-
Grif: Really weird! And they were rude!
Simmons: Hey dumbass, I thought we agreed I was gonna tell the story.
Grif: (half-heartedly) Excuse me! Go ahead!
Simmons: (to Sarge) Well you see, the Blue guys were really weird. And not just normal weird, really weird.
Grif: You're not telling it right.
Simmons: Okay, fine, how do you remember it?
Grif: Well, I remember we agreed that you're a kiss-ass. I got fuzzy on the rest of the details.
Simmons: ANYWAY, they didn't want the prisoner back, sir.
The camera zooms in on Sarge.
Sarge: Why those cunning, blue devils! Does their treachery know no bounds?
Grif: It wasn't a total loss, sir. I was able to steal his wallet.
Sarge: Grif, I may just make a respectable soldier outta you yet.
Grif: Really, sir?
Sarge: Hell no! Now leave the money on my nightstand and get back to work!
Cut to the Blues.
Church: Alright Arroyo, what the hell are we gonna do, man? I gotta get my legs working, here.
Arroyo: No idea, but we can't keep pulling wires down there. Who knows what else we can fuck up. What do you think Tucker?
Tucker: I think we should call in a professional to help figure this out. Maybe someone who can fix Sheila too.
Church: Okay, great idea, but the only two people that can do that are Senior El Roboto and Tex. You know since Arroyo can't do shit about it.
Arroyo: Oh fuck you, I was trying to help your ass.
Caboose: Hmm, Tex can be kinda hard to work with.
Tucker: Yeah, dead people usually are.
Church: Quite frankly, Tucker, I find your attitude offensive.
Arroyo: He's not wrong. You're the first ghost I met and I want to kill myself just so I can kick your ass.
Caboose: What about that Lopez person? Is he available?
Church: No. I'm in his body, remember?
Caboose: Well, why don't you just leave his body, and then Arroyo, Tucker, and I will make him fix you and my girlfriend!
Tucker: Girlfriend?
Arroyo: "La Mierda?" [The Fuck?]
Church: What're you, a retard?
Caboose: I-I mean uh, Arroyo, Tucker, and I will make him fix you, and ah, the beautiful tank lady means nothing to me, uh then we can get you back in his body when he is done.
Tucker: I'm confused. That actually seems like a good idea.
Church: I know...
Arroyo: It actually was...
Tucker: But Caboose said it.
Church: I know!
Arroyo: It actually was!
Tucker hits Church with his pistol.
Church: Ow! What the hell was that for?!
Tucker: I don't know, I thought maybe I was dreaming. So I punched you in the face to make sure I wasn't.
Church: Tucker, when you think you're dreaming, you don't punch somebody else, you get somebody else to pinch you!
Tucker: Dude, it doesn't matter what kind of dream I'm having, I am not going to ask you to pinch me.
Church: If you dented my forehead, Tucker, I'm going to be pissed!
Tucker: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Arroyo hits Church with his pistol.
Church: Ow! Didn't you hear what I just told Tucker?!
Arroyo: I heard you. I just wanted to hit you too.
Church: You're a dick.
Arroyo: I know.
Church: Let's try this. I'll jump outta Lopez's body real quick, you three just watch him and make sure he doesn't try anything. Got it?
Arroyo, Tucker, and Caboose: Okay, Church.
Church: (clears throat) Alright, here goes nothing. Hegerkerker. (Church leaves Lopez's body)
Tucker: You know, I have to hand it to you, Caboose, you finally came up with a good idea.
Arroyo: He's right Caboose, you had a great idea. I'm proud of you.
Caboose: Aw, thanks, guys. It was nothing. (Lopez looks around, apparently confused)
Tucker: No, no, you really contributed, and that's what it's all about. (Lopez turns around and runs off the base)
Caboose: You know, I just enjoy the process.
Arroyo: Just keep doing that and maybe one day you'll get promoted. (Lopez continues to get farther away)
Caboose: You really think so?
Church: (back to being a ghost) Yeah, back in the spirit world, alright! Man, I forgot how good this feels.. kinda loosey-goosey. Hey, what'd you guys do with my body?
Tucker: What do you care about your body, you can't even move your- (turns around to see Lopez running away) Oh hey, look, your legs work!
Arroyo: How did we not notice him leaving?
O'Malley: (holding up the sniper rifle) This one is mine! (he shoots)
Church: Hey, Caboose! Whoa, cut it out, man! You're gonna damage my body! Arroyo, Tucker, you guys go through the teleporter and cut him off. I'll meet you guys out there. (he fades away)
Tucker: There's no way I'm going through the teleporter again. I still got this tingle in the back of my... look, dude, I'm just not going back through the teleporter, okay?
Arroyo: Agreed. I'm just gonna run after it.
Caboose: But Church said so-
Tucker: Yeah, but Church didn't think of THIS! (he throws a grenade through the teleporter) Come on, let's go. (he runs off the base)
Cut to Lopez near the teleporter's exit. Church appears in front of him.
Church: Alright, hold it right there, amigo.
The grenade comes out of the teleporter exit.
Lopez: Mira, que cosa mas fina. (runs away)
Church: Hey, I said hold it not run away! You big... robot baby! What the hell? That rock looks just like a grenade. ...Ah crap. (it explodes)
Cut to the explosion being seen from Red Base through a sniper held by Grif. Cut to the normal view of Grif with Simmons standing next to him while Sarge approaches them.
Sarge: What in Sam Hell is going on out there, Grif?
Grif: Sir, I think we're under attack. A very sloppy, poorly coordinated attack.
Sarge: How many do you see?
Scope view of Arroyo, Tucker, and Caboose running toward them.
Grif: There's three coming our way and another one seems to be... (sees Lopez) ...retreating?
Cut to the normal view of the Reds.
Sarge: Oh, we'll give them all the reason to retreat. Saddle up, Simmons. Let's go rope us some blue steer!
Simmons: Woohoo!
Simmons and Sarge run off the base.
Simmons: Alright, yeah!
Sarge: Yeah, woohoo, let's go! Alright!
Simmons: Let's do it!
Donut stands next to Grif.
Donut: So, just you and me hanging out at the base... That's cool!
Grif: Shut up, rookie.
Donut: Do you think they'll be gone long? Me and Sarge had a great time together. We talked about all kinds of stuff...
Grif: (while Donut babbles, most of his lines overlap) Oh my god. I'm not gonna be listening to this all day long.
Donut: He showed me a picture of his mother, we talked about home decorating-
Grif: Are you ever going to SHUT UP?
Donut: -we made macramé ideas-
Grif: Jesus Christ!
Donut: -we shared recipes for soufflés. Oh man, it was such a blast! And then we talked about our feelings-
Grif: (exasperated sigh) Ugh.. god...
Donut: -and then we also discussed what it was like to be the loner in high school-
Grif: Jesus Christ... You've got to be kidding me. Oh, man... I don't wanna listen to this...
Donut: -and, you know, all the kids made fun of us, but we had a really great time! I mean, Sarge is a really neat person and we talked about his dream the other night where he dreamed that uh.. some shit happened.
Grif: Why me?