Many weeks passed since I last met Jungkook on the bench, in the college's park. I had this feeling that he was ignoring me, and should have felt relieved but, surprisingly, I felt his absence, mora than I wanted to admit it to myself. Usually he would roam around me in college to get my attention, and I would avoid him, but now he stopped doing that. What happened to him? Why he changed his behavior? It was difficult for me to admit that I was missing him. It's okay... I'll get used to it. I kept reassuring myself, but a weird instinct inside me was telling me to go and talk to him, but I never had enough courage to face him.
On the other hand, my friendship with Yoongi was blooming again. Whenever crossing the hallways we would meet, he always flashed me his sweet, gummy smile. He was really kind all the time. Another change in the past weeks in college was Yuna. It looked like she came back to life again after disappearing for some weeks. She always tried to talk to me, and have lunch together. Sometimes I gladly accepted, while other times, I wished she was never with me, because being with her cost me all students' attention.
Currently I was sitting in class, when the last bell rang. Students immediately stood up, grabbing their books, and they all went away.
I was packing my bag, when suddenly a voice echoed in the empty classroom, making me startle. "I hope you haven't forgotten" Yuna smiled, entering inside. "I didn't" I grabbed my belongings and went towards her. "Great" she squealed in happiness. "Let's go then" she was excited, but I was tense again, because never in my life someone invited me to their house, but Yuna did, yesterday during lunch. I was about to refuse, but immediately she reassured me that it will be just the both of us.
So here I was following her towards her car in the parking lot. Her car was parked, exactly near a black bike, and soon I saw the owner of it. "Hi, Jk" Yuna said, as soon as Jungkook came near his bike. "Hi" he flashed her a smile, and then noticed my presence near the passenger seat. My mind went numb, I didn't know what to say, when we made eye contact. I gulped hard, and my hands became sweaty.
Yuna was casually talking to him, but her words couldn't reach my ears. The whole world seemed invisible when he was in front of me. What should I say? Sorry? I didn't know the exact reason, but deep down an inner voice was telling me to apologize to him... but for what? Maybe I avoided him for so long, now he's pissed off, that's why he's ignoring me now. "Right Y/n?" Yuna asked me. Wait, what? What they are talking about? I didn't follow their conversation at all, lost in my own thoughts. They both were staring at me. I gulped hard, and nodded a little. "See, even she thinks you're hot"
What the fuck! My cheeks became red, as I was trying to avoid his eyes, but I could feel his warm gaze on me. "I'll get going" Jungkook sat on the bike and started it. "Bye" he said to me and Yuna, and disappeared within a minute. "We should go too" Yuna sat on the driver seat, and I followed her, sitting on the passenger seat.
Soon I was standing outside Yuna's house. She pulled out the keys from under the small mat, in front of the door, and opened it. "Welcome to my shelter" she giggled, dramatically bowing and indicating to me to enter inside. Never in my life I thought Yuna's house would be like this. Never. A small cottage in one of the suburbs of Seoul. Stepping inside, the wooden floor cracked under my feet. I felt terrible, thinking maybe it was because of my weight. "Oh no, it happens every time, don't worry" Yuna said, placing the keys in a bowl on the kitchen counter.
"There's no one now" she declared as soon as we reached what seemed like the living room. Dust covered most of the furniture, the room was dank, I felt a shiver running down your spine, as the house temperature was really low as compared to outside. "Can I offer you something?" the smile never leaving her lips. "Hmm... it's the first time I'm inviting someone to my place" she scratched the back of her neck. "I'm sorry if it feels weird"
"Hey no no, everything is fine. And no, I don't need anything, thanks" I tried to seem reassuring with my words. That was the longest conversation I had with her till now, otherwise it was just her talking to me and me nodding.
"Let's go to my room" she said, before going towards a dark, chilly hallway. I followed her, and soon reached in front of a door, covered with scuff marks. It was impossible for me to ignore that, but I tried to not stare at it for too long and entered inside after her. The room wasn't reflecting Yuna's personality. It was all dark. No posters on walls, no make up pouches here and there, no messy sheets, just a clean bed, too tidy, as if nobody used it ever; a tiny desk with a lamp on it and some books; and, finally a dark brown wardrobe at the end of the room. A single window's light was illuminating the dark room. "Have a seat" she politely said, and I sat on the bed and she did the same and placed herself right in front of me.
"College was tiring today" she never had problems initiating conversations. "I saw Jhope flirting with a girl, you know" she laughed. I wanted to do the same but something felt weird in her tone. I blinked a few times, not knowing how to continue the conversation. "Y-You live with someone?" I made a huge effort, when those words left my mouth. "Yes, my mom and my little sister, Yujun" she immediately answered, as I nodded. "You?" She was curious.
"Oh.. with my mom" unconsciously my hands went to cover my big thighs. "Oh great" she mumbled, and then everything went silent in the room.
None of us uttered a word, but surprisingly it wasn't uncomfortable. I kept looking around, while she kept staring on the wooden floor. "So... how are you?" I just witnessed for the first time Yuna being awkward. "I'm g-good" her voice cracked while speaking. Silence again. Many questions were roaming in my head: why she invited me to her house? She said she never asked anyone else before... What should I ask her now? Why I suck at continuing conversations?
"Your mom is at work?" I asked randomly, when the silence started suffocating me. She nodded, still staring at the floor. Silence again. "Are you good?" I softly mumbled, looking at her. She looked up at me this time and flashed me a cute smile. "Yes, I am... Don't worry"
"So how's life going?" she started talking again, after her small break. "Like usual" I immediately said. I wanted to ask her about Jungkook, but words were refusing to form in my mouth. "Hmm... how is your life?" I repeated her question, too nervous to choose new words. "As usual too" she giggled. I nodded and started roaming my eyes on her room, and stopped on the wrecked door.
"Hmm.. do you want to eat something?" her eyes were following mine, and, when she noticed me focusing on the door, she tried to catch my attention, which she successfully did, as I immediately turned to face her again. "Okay" I nearly whispered, as she squealed in happiness. "Great. Let's order something. What you say?....hmmm... Pizza?" she spoke in one go, while grabbing her phone. I stiffened at my spot, memories of what happened at the restaurant flashed in my mind.
Maybe she will make fun of me too. But she seems good. "Hey you okay?" she softly said, noticing my hands' white knuckles and my tensed body. "Y-Yuna..." I called her, she was looking at me, but I didn't know what to say, I didn't know why I pronounced her name, I didn't know how to complete the sentence, but still it felt right to call her. "Yeah...you're right... it's not even dinner time, let's order something else..." she tried to ease the cold atmosphere between us. "...but I know you like pizza" she mumbled, tossing her phone from one hand to another.
"No, it's okay... I think I should go now... it's getting dark outside" incoherent words left my mouth, and without realising I stood up. "Why? Am I making you uncomfortable? Why you want to go?" She stood up as well. Her smile vanished away. "No no... it's just me... I-"
"You think that I'll make fun of you? Why would I do that?" She interrupted me, eyes locked with mine. "Y-you w-won't understand Y-yuna..." I mumbled breaking eye contact and looking down. "We are different" I stated, as she took a step closer to me. "Oh we are?" a tint of sarcasm mixed with hurt in her voice. "And how's that?" She was a few centimeters taller than me, standing really close. I sighed and looked up. "Don't act as if you don't know... You're slim and beautiful... and me... just ... you're friendly, extroverted... and I can't even form a proper sentence to talk to anyone" my words sounded rude.
She sighed as well and sat back on the bed. "Sit" she told me. I looked up at her and shook my head. "Please Y/n. Just five minutes, then you can go"
She wasn't trying to control me, it was just a small request. A small smile appeared on her face, when I sat near her. "You didn't ask about my dad" She said and looked down. I wasn't understanding why Yuna asked me to stay, or what she was trying to tell me... everything was confusing for me. "People see what they want to see, or better what we want them to see. Everyone thinks I'm perfect. But, for me, I'm clearly not. I have a body that I don't even want in the first place, while people call me lucky for it." She continued talking even when I didn't ask her anything, even when I wasn't interested in her story, because of the mess I already had in my life.
"My mom was and is still now a bit overweight. For me, it's completely fine, but, I guess, it wasn't for my dad. He left her saying he was embarrassed for her... he said he couldn't go out with her, because she wasn't the slim girl. I witnessed it with my own eyes... and it hurts... trust me..." her voice broke a little, while she was still staring at the floor. I wasn't sure, but maybe her eyes were teary.
"They got divorced and mom shattered completely. Because of my dad, she started thinking she isn't worthy of any happiness, she doesn't deserve to live. After her broken phase, once she got divorced, she told herself to teach her ex-husband a lesson and make him regret what he did to her, so she ... crazy woman... started losing weight in the worst ways possible. She was hurt mentally.... yes.... but by doing this she started hurting her body too. Losing weight isn't a magic trick you can do ... maybe you know that..." she mumbled the last part.
"... soon she stopped doing all that, because she wasn't seeing any results of her wrong process. Still being frustrated by whatever happened to her, the only targets she saw were me and my sister. We both were really young when my parents got divorced...
So she started telling herself that her daughters will be beautiful ... more than other girls... she thought she could give us whatever she couldn't get in her life... and that was a slim body... this is completely wrong... even if she is my mom, my body is different from her.
So since childhood my mom forced me and my sister to follow a specific diet, so that we both can't gain some kgs. Y/n you won't understand how crazy she is...
We both have a long list of food that we can't eat and it's not allowed in our house. Then every single week, we have to measure our weights in front of her so that she can ...., how she says, take control of our bodies. It's a nightmare for both of us, because, like every person would do in our place, we do have cheat meals outside, we both, when we go outside we eat whatever we can't eat at home, and when it's the weight measurement day, before that we need to lose that one, two kgs we gained, otherwise our mom...
Well her life was tough... yes, but she has many bad habits, and one is ... alcohol. The signs you saw on the door are left by her, when I used to hide from her, with my sister, here in this room. She gives us the worst punishments when she finds out we didn't follow her rules..."
I stared at her, astonished by whatever she said. Now I understood why she called me at her place, maybe she wanted to take off all the weight from her heart, she wanted someone who could understand her and she could share her personal problems with. And for all this she chose me. For the first time I felt useful for someone. Not realising what I was doing, I got closer to her and hugged her tightly. Pain, frustration, hurt. Two hearts were feeling the same but for many different reasons.
She didn't refuse my touch, actually she needed someone to embrace her, so she melted in my arms, her teary eyes making my jumper wet.
"I'm sorry for talking rubbish" she pulled herself from the hug, and sat like before, wiping off her tears. "Don't ask sorry. I'm glad you spoke to me" words were automatically coming from my mouth without me even realising... I was feeling safe near her, at this moment even more... now that she opened up. "I just needed to le-"
"Shhh... it's fine, your secrets are safe with me. I won't tell anyone. And yeah... if you need to talk to me, whenever you want, I'm always here" I never thought that me, the person who always needed confort, would be giving comfort to others... I was kinda feeling proud of myself. She smiled, the smile she always had on her face, so did I.
"Thank you" she mumbled and squeezed my hand, which was resting on the bed and not holding the hoodie's hem anymore.
After two hours, I was still at her place, enjoying myself like I never did before. After the emotional talk, Yuna tried to ease the sadness in the air, she ordered food, we girls watched a movie together, and now she was showing the sculptures she made out of wood pieces. "It's amazing" I told her, mesmerized by her work. "I can never make this" I giggled, holding an incomplete butterfly. "I still need to finish that one" Yuna said, smiling.
I was still admiring her art work, when a muffled sound caught my attention. Someone was at the door, ringing the bell. Yuna looked at me and then at her wristwatch. "She must be at work" she mumbled, while going towards the main door. Unconsciously I followed her behind. Arriving at the door, she looked back at me before glancing through the peephole. She smiled. Yes, I saw her smiling, and that meant it wasn't her mom. Soon she opened the door, and I saw a manly silhouette entering inside. He hugged Yuna and pecked her lips. I just stood there shocked, looking at him.