Firefight outside the Blue Base.
Church: Okay, Tucker, I need you to get up there, help Caboose shore up the defense, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice.
Tucker: I didn't even know what half of that meant.
Arroyo: It means go help Caboose shoot the Reds at his rock.
Church: Yea what he said.
Tucker: That rock? Yeah, I don't think so.
Church: We do not have time to discuss this.
Tucker: Sure, no time for you to discuss it. You get to hang out here with Nancy No-Bullets shootin' the breeze and Mister I've been working out. Meanwhile, I'm out there, running around, eating a machine gun sandwich.
Arroyo: Hey, I offer you to come train with me.
Tucker: Fuck that, that sounds hard.
Church: Tucker, we're gonna give you covering fire.
Tucker: Covering fire? Unless that means you're gonna build a huge, bullet-proof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now.
Church: No problem. Oh wait wait, does the blood have to be in your body?
Arroyo: I can't believe that we're having this conversation right now.
Tucker: Neither can I, but I want to live, so we are.
Zoom to Grif and Simmons firing their respective machine guns at the Blues.
Grif: Simmmonns... I-I can'tt ffeeel my handdds.
Simmons: Maybe you should lay off the trigger, you dumbass.
Zoom back to Church.
Church: Alright you, Doc, get over there and help Caboose!
DuFresne: My name isn't Doc, it's DuFresne.
Arroyo: Dufruset? How the hell do you even say that?
Church: Yeah. We can't pronounce that, so from now on, your name is Doc.
DuFresne: I'm not really comfortable with that. I'm not a doctor, I'm a medic.
Tucker: What's the difference?
DuFresne: Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable.. while they die.
Tucker: Mental note: don't ever get shot.
Arroyo: Other mental note: Learn first aid because your fucking useless.
Church: It's settled then. Your name is now Doc.
DuFresne: Alright, but I don't think it'll stick.
The background goes grayscale and DuFresne slides further to the foreground while DOC slides across behind him, with dramatic music playing.
Tucker: Oh, trust us, it'll stick.
Arroyo: Yeah for the next 17 seasons.
Church: Now get over to Caboose, and help him hold that position.
Doc: I don't have a gun, I'm a pacifist.
Church: Well then just get over there and yell "bang bang bang".
Doc: Eh, I don't know. Even that sounds pretty aggressive.
Arroyo: You got to be kidding me.
Tucker: Oh, come on.
Doc: Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt.
Church: Huh. I see.
Church turns toward Caboose and very deliberately raises his gun, then fires one shot.
Caboose: Ahow! My foot...
Church: Well, looks like Caboose has hurt himself. Maybe you should get over there and help him, Doc.
Doc: You know, you could have just asked nicely.
Arroyo: Church?
Church: Yeah? What?
Arroyo smacks the back of Church's helmet.
Church: Ow! What the fuck was that for?
Arroyo: You shot Caboose you dumb fuck!
Church: He's fine.
Caboose: There's blood coming out of my foot...
Zoom to the Reds.
Simmons: Ah crap, I'm out. Give me some ammunition, Grif.
Grif: Me? I don't have any extra. I'm down to one bullet.
Simmons: Wha- How can that be? You're the one who carries all the extra rounds into battle.
Grif: Wait, since when?
Simmons: Since the last staff meeting.
Grif: We actually talk about stuff in those things? I just fall asleep inside my helmet.
Simmons: Well, you missed your job assignment, and now we have no ammo.
Grif: What's your job?
Simmons: Me? I'm the Social Chairman.
Sarge: Grif. Me and Treasurer Donut are empty. We need some clips.
Simmons: Hey Grif, you remember that one bullet you have left? I thought of the perfect way you can use it.
Zoom to Doc and Caboose.
Doc: I'm here Caboose, where're you hit?
Caboose: Ah, ow, ow, ow, my foot, my foot!
Doc: The left foot?
Caboose: Ah, left. Let's see, that makes an L with this thumb and...
Doc: I'm just gonna assume it's the bleeding one.
Caboose: Yeah, the red one. Aeh. I can't believe Church shot me.
Church: Oh don't even start, Caboose! (echoing)
Arroyo smacks Church's helmet again
Church: Ow! Stop doing that!
Arroyo: Stop being a dick then! Caboose your gonna be fin... Doc's gonna patch you ... Look I'll read a first aid book later, then I'll help you myself okay! (echoing)
Doc: I take offense to that!
Caboose: Thank you, Arroyo! (Turns to Doc) he's a really good friend.
Doc: I can see that, so anything else?
Caboose: Uh, well wha?
Doc: You have a bullet wound in the foot. Is anything else wrong?
Caboose: Uh... Oh, I got one. Uh, well, sometimes when I fall asleep at night I think about my parents having sex, and I get really really mad for some reason.
Doc: ...Okay I'm just gonna start with the foot.
Caboose: Okay.
Zoom to Arroyo, Tucker, and Church.
Tucker: Hey dude, why aren't the Reds firing?
Arroyo: Good question, I wonder what was going on?
Church: I don't know, maybe they're outta ammo.
Sarge: Hey, Blues! We are giving you a chance to surrender!
Church: Surrender?
Arroyo: The fuck?