Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, more just implied but still thought I would put a warning up.
Anger, an emotion of strong annoyance and hostility.
An emotion Lo'ak is seeing right now, from his father, the only problem is he has never seen this anger before.
His dad is dragging him, Lo'ak's feet barely having the power to follow his father's long strides, and it's utterly embarrassing. His dad is doing this publicly, dragging him around the village, to their hut. And the worst part is that Jake doesn't care.
His father's grip on him is bruising, he knows there will more than likely be bruises, and yet the boy doesn't speak up, he feels he would just get in more trouble if he did.
When they reach the hut, Kiri and Tuk are there, and instead of letting go, Jake's hold seems to tighten.
"Kiri, take Tuk and visit your mother." Jake orders.
Kiri wants to protest. Sure, her and Lo'ak argue but she can see his sad expression, and how the hold their father has on the boy is hurting him.
"Dad-"
"Kiri, go! Now." Jake says a little more sternly, his gaze only softening when he begins to hear Tuk sniffle. "Tuk, I'm sorry for raising my voice, why don't you continue making that bracelet with Neteyam and Kiri with your mother?"
Lo'ak can't help but roll his eyes at his fathers suddenly soft voice, a contrast to the harsh grip he has on his arm. Jake, always kind to his daughters but always rough with his sons, something Lo'ak has tried to grow accustomed too, but is still annoying and unfair.
Tuk sighs but nods her head, grabbing her bowl of beads in one hand and grabbing Kiri's with the other. Kiri gives Lo'ak a look but the boy just shakes his head hinting that it is best if she just leaves, and so Kiri does, sighing out when her eyes catch onto the hold her father has on Lo'ak, still not letting go.
Once the girls are gone, Jake drags Lo'ak so he can shut the flap of the hut, that way he gets a little more privacy, and then drags his son back to the middle, then and only then, letting go of the boys arm.
Lo'ak grits his teeth together, his hand moving to rub his now tender skin that is showing signs of bruising, and gives his dad a glare, a mirroring expression as his dad is looking back at him with just as much anger.
Now, Lo'ak doesn't hate his father. He'll never be able to hate his father. How can you hate the person you look up to and inspire to be? He may not hate Jake Sully, but he is fearful of him. He is afraid of what Toruk Makto, his father, can do.
"What the hell were you thinking, boy?! Bonding with the outcast? Talking back to the Olo'eyktan. What the hell where you thinking?!" Jake asks, no longer speaking in Na'vi but English, something he only does when pissed off or talking to the scientists back at Hell's Gate.
Lo'ak knows English well, his father taught him and all his siblings it, as it was once part of his fathers daily life. He understood English and was somewhat decent at speaking it, but he wasn't going to give his father the satisfaction of knowing he taught his son something once apart of his life. His father may once been human, but Lo'ak is not, and he won't start speaking their language unless forced.
"If you actually took time to acknowledge me, maybe you would know!" Lo'ak grits out.
"Watch your tone." Jake threatens, returning to the Na'vi langauge, pointing a threatening finger to Lo'ak, and it causes the boys gaze to break just slightly, his ears pinning to his head before he stands his ground once more.
"Or what?! Going to hit me or something?" He can see that his words seem to affect his father just slightly, so he continues, "I know that may not be the Na'vi way, but I'm not stupid. Grace brought it up once in a video diary me and Kiri watched. Explained how some humans would discipline their kids that way, and how that's another way Na'vi and humans are different. But you're still part human, dad! No matter how Na'vi you want to be you're still part human. So what, going to discipline me like the humans? Huh?" Lo'ak seems to be just rattling his dad up further, but at this point he doesn't care.
"Maybe it would be good if I do!" Jake threatens back, his hand moving to the boys face, and to his surprise Lo'ak flinches away from the movement, as if he was expecting it to come.
Jake drops his hand before he touches the boy though, hissing in anger before turning away. He is Na'vi now. Children are seen as gifts to Eywa, hurting a child is like hurting Eywa.
You aren't human anymore, Jake.
You aren't in the battlefield.
You are hiding, you're family is hiding.
This is your son, not your soilder.
"You disobeyed direct orders! Do you find joy in doing that or something?!" Jake asks, his hand moving down his face in exhaustion.
"No."
"No?" Jake moves over to the boy once more, his hands clenched fists at his sides.
"No sir." Lo'ak tries again.
"Than please explain to me what the fuck you were thinking!?"
"I was thinking that Tonowari is wrong! Th-"
"It doesn't matter if he is wrong or not! That is the Chief here! I'm no longer the leader, I can't just protect you from all the stupid shit you do! You could get us kicked out! And then what!? Villages are burning Lo'ak! The skypeople are on to us! You want to put another Clan in jeopardy?!" Jake interrupts, his hands moving to his sons shoulders, having a firm grip on them as he shakes his son.
Lo'ak grits his teeth once more, the pain of his fathers tight hold surprising him, his hands moving to try and pull his fathers grip off but it's no use.
"Payakan isn't a murderer! He fought against the skypeople! He saved my life!"
"I don't care that he saved your life Lo'ak! You c-" Jake stops when he realizes what he just said, letting go of his son when he see's the hurt expression that rises on the boys face. "Lo'ak, I didn't mean it like that."
"Sure, whatever." Lo'ak mumbles, his hands clenching and unclenching into fists.
"I'm just trying to keep this family safe." Jake tries instead.
"Then I'm not part of this family I guess." Lo'ak shrugs off, his feet kicking the floor below him, trying to get his fathers gaze off of him.
"What?"
"You said you are trying to keep this family safe, but what about me? Neteyam told me that you didn't know I was missing outside of the reef the entire day. The only reason you even knew I was gone is because Neteyam forced the confession out of Ao'nung. And then once you found out, you didn't even join the search team! Once I get back instead of treating my scratches or checking if my lungs weren't full of salt water you say I bring shame to this family! You yelled at me when I got this scar" Lo'ak points to his abs, "-instead of saying you are proud I protected Esmyrie. You cause bruises on my arms" The boy shows the bruise that is forming where his father was roughly holding him, "And you almost fucking hit me! You don't care about me dad! Just admit it! You don't care."
Jake shakes his head in denial, his eyes casting to the yellow and purple on the boys arm but not wanting to believe it. He protects his family, that's what gives him meaning. He has protected his family. He has protected Lo'ak, right?
"Son..."
"Am I even your son? You make me call you, Sir! What family does that?" Lo'ak interrupts, moving and pushing his dad in his anger. "You don't fucking care! Payakan isn't a murderer! He saved my life when you didn't! You make me feel worthless and stupid! You make me feel like I do nothing right! You make me feel like it would be better off if I was dead!?"
With each sentence he pushes his dad harder, almost making his father fall but his father grabs onto his wrists before he can push him once more.
"Let me go! Let me go you asshole!" Lo'ak yells, struggling his fathers arms, digging his feet into the ground to try and pull his hands away but it's no use.
"Stop fighting!"
"If I stop fighting I'll end up dead because no one fights for me, they just fight against me! Is that what you want! You want me dead?! I'll ask Eywa right now to kill me!" Lo'ak yells, wanting to finish his sentence with let her kill me instead of Neteyam, but he decides against it, instead just continuing to yell, "I'll ask her! It's fine! I'll do it! Because I know in the end, you would choose my siblings over me. Every damn time!"
It seems the words Lo'ak speaks defuse the fire that was in Jake's heart, because he lets his son go, and seems to stand there shocked, and then he begins shaking his head, denial in his brain.
The thought of losing one of his kids, a fear he hopes to never experience. He can't imagine his life without any of them, losing them would break him. Losing any of them would make him no longer be the strong warrior he is, but instead show that all he is and ever wants to be is a husband and father that protects.
"Damnit, Lo'ak! Stop! Stop!"
"You want me dead! You want me dead! You don't fucking care! You never have! You said it just this morning that it would be worse if one of my siblings died! If you want me gone so bad then fine! I'll be gone! Norm is one call away and I can-"
"Stop!" Jake yells, moving so fast that Lo'ak flinches at the rapid speed, trying to escape but his father grabs onto him, pulling his son into a hug. "Don't say that, please. Please. I can't lose you. I can't lose any of you." Jake whispers, his hand moving to hold Lo'aks head, just like he used to when Lo'ak was a baby.
Lo'ak wants to get away from his father, this seems wrong. He shouldn't be getting comforted. He hasn't told his father about Neteyam's death. He hasn't told his father that his favorite child is going to die. He hasn't told him, and so he shouldn't get this love. He shouldn't be given this comfort. He doesn't deserve it.
I don't deserve this. Eywa should chose me. Neteyam is always dads favorite.
I don't deserve this love.
"Let go!" Lo'ak cries out, but Jake just holds onto him tighter.
"I can't. I can't let go because I can't have you run off and ask Eywa for something that would break me! Damnit, Lo'ak! I can't lose you!"
"You can! You can! Just... just let me ask Eywa this request please."
Jake's heart breaks even further, which he didn't think was possible. His youngest son is pleading with him, pleading to go to Eywa and pray for his death. A prayer Jake has never wanted his children to plea for.
It's unknown to Na'vi, the thought of suicide. They take their life as a gift, and even in the worst scenarios they push through, because to Na'vi, Eywa choses the perfect time for when they shall die. But humans, it's common, especially during the more recent years when Jake was on earth.
And yet, he never thought his kids would have this thought. They were Na'vi, right? And Na'vi see their life as a gift, and death as a welcome when Eywa decides. But his kids aren't fully Na'vi, his kids are also part human, just like Lo'ak said. And his son is more similar than Jake thought.
"Please, baby boy. Stop!" Jake moves his boy from his hold, shaking his shoulders to try and get the boy out of his delirious state.
It seems though that his son is wanting to fight his kind words, as if he doesn't want to accept the truth that Jake cares about him. That his own father doesn't want him dead.
"I just wanted to prove to you that I'm not all wrong! I'm not! Payakan isn't who you think he is! But... you don't even believe me with that! And I'm trying so hard to prove to you that I'm not stupid! I'm trying to make you proud! So let me fucking make you proud and let me fucking die!"
Let me die instead of Neteyam.
"Why would I be proud that you died!" Jake asks.
"Because then you would have the perfect family!"
"Damnit boy! You are apart of his family! You are what makes this family whole! Don't fucking leave! Don't you dare fucking ask to die again! I can't lose you! I can't! And I'm sorry if I didn't believe you with Payakan and I'm sorry if I yelled and I'm sorry if I have been a shit father, but please, please don't ask that from Eywa! Please know I want you safe. I want everyone apart of this family safe! That is all I ever wanted!" Jake shakes the boy, crouching so his eyes are level with his son. "You have purpose in this world. You have purpose in this family. I'm sorry if I made you feel like you didn't."
Lo'ak shakes his head.
I doesn't deserve his love. I don't deserve this love.
"Yes - Yes Lo'ak. Come here." Jake pulls his son into a hug again, and Lo'ak completely breaks.
Tears falling down his face, no longer being able to hold them in. Sobs leaving his mouth. His arms holding tight onto his father, like if he lets him go he will disappear, like if he lets go his dad will see him for what he is, a failure.
And he cries. Cries for still not being seen. Cries for still not hearing the words I love you. Crying because he must hold onto the secret that Neteyam will die, because if he tells his father he will break even more.
He isn't seen, he isn't loved, he isn't important and he doesn't have a purpose.
But for now, he will let his father hug him, let his father hold him, and let his father say the lies that easily go out of his mouth. Because if they were true, if the words his father spoke had meaning and truth, Lo'ak would feel seen, but instead he just feels more far away.
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this one really hurt to write....
let me know your thoughts