Harry's POV
"Harry."
I heard the voice as I slowly woke, keeping my eyes closed as I drifted into consciousness.
"Harry!"
This time it was accompanied by a light kick to my shin.
I scrunched my face up as I tried to bury it in the pillow, but the voice just grumbled. Then I realised it was Louis.
"Harry, goddamit." He snapped, moving around in the bed.
"G'way, Boo." I mumbled as I tried to pull him closer against my chest and send us both back to sleep, but he wasn't having any of it as he kicked my shin again.
"Harry," He snapped. "Turn off that fucking alarm. Now."
Then, I noticed another sound in the room. My alarm on my phone was going off, loud and clear.
I grumbled and slowly opened one eye as I looked around the still dark room. The sun was only just beginning to rise as the tiniest orange rays streaking in through the edge of the curtain barely had any affect.
"Sorry." I mumbled as I rolled over to find my phone on the bedside table. Only it wasn't there.
"Fucks sake, Harry." He grumbled again, as the stupid alarm got louder and louder.
"Sorry." I whispered as I desperately tried to follow the sounds. I reached down to find my jeans on the floor and found it in my pocket.
I shut it off and put it back on the bedside table before crawling back into bed with Louis. I wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him close, nuzzling my nose into his hair.
"Sorry." I whispered one last time before pressing a kiss to the back of his head.
For a minute, we were both silent and still, and I had nearly fallen back asleep again, but Louis started to stir.
He shuffled a little bit, then moved his legs around so I let go of his waist as he moved.
Then he tried to roll a little bit, but gave up with a sigh.
"Wha's wrong, boo." I mumbled, my eyes still close as my head rested on the pillow, still half asleep.
"Nothing." He said, then moved again. "Go back to sleep."
But I opened my eyes instead and saw him now on his side, facing me. He didn't look as happy as he had last night, so I frowned.
I reached out and cupped his face gently, stroking his cheek bone with my thumb.
"What's the matter?" I asked again.
"Can't sleep." He pouted. "My head hurts."
"Hungover, are we?" I smirked and he slapped my hand away playfully as I laughed.
"Shut up." He mumbled, turning away from me.
"Oh, baby." I chucked. "Come back, m'sorry."
I reached out and hooked an arm around his stomach, dragging him back across the sheets so he was close to me again.
Again, we drifted into quietness and I nearly managed to get back to sleep for a third time, but Louis rolled onto his back and I realised something felt off.
I opened my eyes to see him staring at the ceiling with a thoughtful expression.
"Still can't sleep?" I asked him and he shook his head.
I gulped and rubbed my eyes before rolling onto my stomach so I was nearly on top of him.
"H-Harry," His eyes went wide as his heart rate quickened. "Um."
For a minute, I wasn't sure what was wrong, but then I remembered.
He still wasn't quite comfortable being this close to a boy after all those years, and sometimes I forgot that.
Even though he had made so much progress, it was still difficult for him to accept after such a long time of telling himself that it was disgusting and hurtful.
So I quickly moved away, making sure I didn't press up against him and make him feel too uncomfortable. That was the last thing I wanted.
"Do you want some tea?" I asked him, looking down as he watched me apologetically. I knew he thought that it was his fault, but I wanted him to know that it wasn't. That I was completely okay with going as slow as he wanted.
He nodded. "And some aspirin, please."
I smiled and pecked his forehead before climbing out of bed, pulling on a t-shirt over my bare chest and making my way to the kitchen.
I flicked his kettle on, got out the mug and tea-bag, and turned around to lean against the bench while I waited for it to boil.
I pressed a finger to my lips as I thought about the same thing I was thinking about the previous night.
I didn't want Louis to feel pressured or anything, but sometimes it hurt me to know that to the rest of the world, he was a straight man with many girls chasing after him.
Because it was a lie.
And sometimes, it made me feel like a lie.
I knew Louis needed someone to be there for him no matter what, and I always thought I was going to be that guy. But lately, I had been feeling differently about it.
Maybe I wasn't cut out to be the secret love in someone's life. I always thought of love as something to be proud of, but with Louis, I couldn't openly admit how I felt.
And it was getting to me a little bit.
Suddenly, I heard the cabinet behind me close.
I jumped and saw Louis standing behind me in one of my sweaters, reaching up into the cupboard above the other side of the bench as he grabbed the aspirin box.
"I was going to bring it in to you." I told him with a smile. "Go back to bed, hun."
"It's okay." He shook his head as he took out two pills and went to the sink for a glass of water.
He swallowed them quickly as I poured his tea and handed it to him, kissing the top of his head as I hugged him.
"Thanks, H." He whispered as he took a sip.
"Feeling better?" I asked him and he groaned.
"Never let me drink that much again." He laughed a little bit as we went into the lounge and sat on the couch.
Louis put his drink down on the coffee table before cuddling up in the corner of the couch and laying a blanket over the both of us.
"It was cute though," I answered as I put an arm around him and he turned the TV on. "You had fun, yeah?"
"Yeah," He nodded as I picked up the mug and gave him his tea. "It was really good. I missed having that much fun with all you guys."
He took a sip as we watched the tele. America's Next Top Model reruns were on that morning, and we decided to watch it.
"Hey," Louis piped up as the girls were just starting a photoshoot. "I-I think, I vaguely remember you saying something last night. About wanting to talk?"
I chuckled. "I'm surprised you remember anything from last night." Louis rolled his eyes at me and blushed a little bit.
"I wasn't that drunk." He protested as he rested his head on my shoulder.
"You were a little bit." I laughed and kissed his temple as he blushed harder.
"I didn't say anything stupid, did I?" He asked me and I shook my head, making him let out a sigh of relief.
"But you did try and make me have a heart-to-heart with you when we got home." I told him.
"Oh God," He hid his face in his sweater-paws and I cooed at the sight. He was adorable.
"Don't worry," I told him with a smile. "We didn't."
"Oh good." He replied. "That wouldn't have gone well." He paused. "Did you want to talk about it now?"
He sat up and looked at me, crossing his legs on the couch and turning sideways so he was facing me too.
"Nah," I shook my head. "It's not that important."
"Anything you say is important." Louis smiled at me. "Spill."
I muted the TV as I sighed, also turning to face him on the large couch.
"It's just-" I paused as I thought about the best way to word it. "Um, you know how you had to stay together with Eleanor until the movie premier was over?" He nodded as he put down the mug. "Well, um, I was just wondering how long after. You know, like, so maybe we could... I don't know... well, uh,"
"You want me to publicly break up with her?" He asked me with a small smile as he gripped both my hands. "Cause I can just call someone to start a rumour and it's done. Easy as-"
"No, I mean well yeah," I stopped and sighed. "I just wish I could be your date to events and stuff. Like she was yesterday. I mean, I had a great time and all, but the whole time I wished I was with you."
"I-I," Louis was clearly at a loss for words. "I don't know, Hare..."
"Oh," I sighed. "Y-You don't want to?"
"No!" Louis exclaimed. "It's just... everyone thinks I'm straight, the whole world does and it would be weird just coming out and all the backlash I would get and my agency would hate it. And they wouldn't want to cast me in half as many movies, I bet, and-"
"Okay," I cut him off, standing up abruptly. "I get it. Wow, Louis..."
I was upset with him at that response. He said 'I' so many times, I couldn't believe it. It was all about him and what would happen to him. It was like he never even spared a though for me.
"Harry." I heard him stand up and come after me as I went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. "Please don't be mad."
I spun on my heel to face him.
"Don't be mad?" I asked him. "Did you even think about me once during that? Did you think about how I might feel about all of this? God forbid 'Louis Tomlinson' get any backlash."
"I-I'm sorry," He stuttered. "I didn't mean to be selfish. I just thought I-"
"Exactly, Louis." I shook my head at him. "'You just thought'. You just thought about you."
"Stop." He started shaking. "Stop shouting at me!"
I did just that and let out a long breath as he scrunched his fists into little tiny balls.
"Remember when you made me promise to always talk to you about things? You need to do the same, Harry." He said, trying to control his anger. "How was I supposed to know that you were feeling this way if you always ran off to Charl or someone instead of talking to me about it? I'm your boyfriend, Haz. I'm not some child who's going to cry the moment you want to talk about something serious. I'm not going to break, Harry, so stop trying to protect me from everything."
"Okay, fine." I shrugged and crossed my arms. "Let's talk then."
"You go first." He told me. "Tell me how you feel."
"Okay," I answered with a frown. "I feel like you're ashamed of me. I feel like you're too afraid of what other people think, instead of just being yourself. Being happy."
"Okay." Louis said through gritted teeth. "Well, I feel like that's a bunch of bullshit. You know I'm not ashamed of you, Harry. I care about you so much, I can't believe you don't see that."
"Then why don't you want me with you when you go to all your big parties and whatnot?" I retorted, throwing my hands in the air.
"I-I," He stuttered. "I can't."
"Why, Louis?" I breathed, shaking my head. "I get that your scared. And I get that this is hard for you. But it's hard for me too."
"I-" He stood there, almost shaking. I could see that he was on the verge of a panic attack, and I didn't want that to happen, so I stopped and took a breath.
"You mean so much to me, Lou." I stepped forwards and put my hands on his shoulders. "But I don't know if I can keep doing this. I don't want to hide who I am anymore."
"Don't do this Harry." He begged me, tears forming in his eyes. "D-Don't leave."
I looked at him sadly, sorry for what I had to do.
"D-Do you remember when I told you about Dan?" He stuttered. "Do you remember all those nights you comforted me when I had an episode." He stopped to wipe his face briefly. "Do you remember what you said to me?" He whispered.
"Of course I do." I answered.
I had told him that none of it mattered. That nothing about his public life could ever drive me away. That I wanted to be there for him always and that nothing could change that.
In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have promised all of that, because I knew I couldn't keep that promise.
"Do you remember how you said you'd never leave me?" He continued. "Never. You promised me that this wasn't going to come between us. You said you were going to be there for me until the very end."
"Louis." I cupped his cheeks. "I don't want to leave, I just can't keep hiding this anymore. I don't want to share you with other girls. I don't want to be waiting up all alone in bed at night while you're partying at some club with girls hanging off you. I can't be that guy."
"P-Please." He whispered as the first tears started running down his cheeks. "I'm sorry. I know this is hard. I know I'm fucked up and I know I'm a hard person to date. I know, okay?"
"Louis." I said softly, stepping forward to embrace him. "You're not fucked up. You're beautiful and I'm sorry."
He sniffled against my chest and I stroked his hair softly as we stood in the middle of the kitchen.
"I-I'm... I'm sorry." I said again. "But I-I... I can't be that guy."
He looked up at me and saw the regret and sorrow in my eyes, and he knew.
"You know what, Harry." He pushed me away and angrily wiped his tears. "Fuck you."
I furrowed my eyebrows in surprise.
"If you want to leave, then fine. Leave." He snapped. "If you can't deal with me, with all of me, then maybe you were never cut out for this to begin with."
"Wow, okay." I scoffed. The whole dynamic of the conversation changed so quickly. "Sorry for caring."
"If you cared, you wouldn't be pressuring me into doing something that I'm not ready to do." He answered.
"I'm not trying to pressure you!" I exclaimed. "I just want you to understand how I feel about this."
"It's not about you!" Louis shouted. "This is about me losing everything that I've ever worked for!"
"Seriously?" I hissed. "That's what this is about? You? Why does everything always have to be about you, Louis. I care about you so much, okay? I don't want to leave you! I just want you to understand that I can't spend my life as a lie."
"YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULDN'T LEAVE." He screamed. "You were supposed to be the one person that I could count on. The one person who would always be there. Always. And now you're walking away."
"I don't want to!" I shouted back. "I don't want it to have to come to this, Lou. I just wanted you to know that I'm not going to be stuck in the shadows of your life for the next however-many-years while you decide when you're ready. This isn't all about you! There are two people in this relationship."
"But I'm the one who suffers!" He hissed as he thumped his fist down on the bench, knocking a mug to the floor and shattering to pieces. "I'm the one who loses his contract and I'm the one who stops getting all the roles in the big-shot movies. I'm the one who gets the news articles written about him and I'm the one who as the twitter trends where everyone calls me horrible names! You don't have to deal with any of the hate, Harry. I DO!"
My jaw practically hit the ground. Why was it always about him.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" I said, eerily calm. "You don't think I've had to deal with hate? You don't think I know how hard it can be to come out of the closet. Because I do. I've been there and its not nice. But you can get through it, its not impossible Louis. I just think you're too scared to try."
"Stop calling me scared." He snapped. "I'm not fucking scared. I'm smart. I know when to keep my mouth closed and not ruin my reputation."
We started each other down while the words hung in the air. It was horrible. We both said things we didn't mean, but it was too late to take them back. There was too much anger and betrayal to speak about it civilly, leaving me only one option.
"Fine."
I stormed out of the kitchen and went straight to the bedroom to get my things. If he was going to be an asshole about it, then I wasn't going to stick around to hear it.
"Harry." He called out as he followed me. "Harry, what are you doing?"
I didn't answer, I just quickly grabbed my clothes from the floor and changed into them, leaving the worn pyjamas on his bed.
"Harry!" I looked up and he was standing in the doorway, horror written all over his face. "W-What are you doing?"
"Leaving." I said, emotionlessly as I pushed past him and headed for the front door. "You mean the world to me, Louis. I never thought it would come to this but if you can't see past that huge ego of yours to see that there is someone else here, with feelings too, then I don't know what I can do."
I reached the front door and turned around to see him standing there in my sweater, eyes teary as he watched.
"W-Well... Well you're the one who's leaving." He sobbed.
"And you're the one who's not stopping me." I answered as he wiped his cheeks.
"Call me when you decide I'm worth more than your fame." I said one last time before opening the door. "Goodbye, Louis."
He didn't say anything, so I closed the door.
And left.
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3K words of heartbreak omg
I'm sorry
i spent longer than usual on this, making sure it was perfect for you all.
THOUGHTS?
also, i have a question...
should I do a Character Ask? cause I feel like now is a good place in the book to do one.... idk what do you all think?
x