"You know you're only gonna be gone one night right?" Tristan asks watching Victoria pack everything she can into the diaper bag.
He gets no response as she keeps packing. "You are only gonna be gone one night right?" Tristan asks.
"Of course" Victoria answers. "Okay...and we-uh, we're..." Tristan says nervous. "We're figuring things out" Victoria tells him.
"Okay...and so then you leaving, that shouldn't worry me?" Tristan asks her.
"Not at all. I'm going for Lane and that is all" Victoria replies. "Okay" Tristan nods.
"I like that you're nervous" Victoria smiles. "I hate it" Tristan says. "I know, that's part of the fun" Victoria laughs.
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"Stupid London" Rory groans sitting across from Lorelai in the kitchen.
"Why's London stupid?" Victoria asks walking in with her baby carrier. "I didn't know you were coming over" Lorelai gets up to hug her daughter.
"Lane called, she's back from her honeymoon" Victoria explains her trip to Stars Hollow. "Oh, yay" Rory smiles. "She sounded kind of tired, which is good, I think. Tired after a honeymoon bodes well" Victoria says taking the baby out of his seat.
"My married friend Lane and her married husband Zach. Nutso" Rory says.
"Hmm. Spoken like a true grown-up" Lorelai replaces. "I gotta go to work, say hey to Lane for me though" she tells her daughters.
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As the twins get to Lane's house pushing the baby in his stroller they see Zach leaving.
"Hey, Zach. So, the honeymoon's over" Rory says. "Is the honeymoon over?" she asks him.
"What?" Zach asks. "How was Mexico?" Victoria asks him. "Full of parasites" Zach answers.
"Oh, gee, that's no good" Rory says.
"The whole trip was a total fiasco. It was the Stones at Altamont times a billion" Zach tells them. "But you and Lane were so excited about it. From the way you talked, I was half worried you'd start a mariachi band" Victoria replies.
"Mexico sucks. And we were psyched" Zach says. "That's part of why it sucked so bad. I thought I found this amazing deal online" he continues. "Right. Pedro's paradise" Zach tells them.
"It all sounded good. The website said it had ocean views, its own kitchen, and a Jacuzzi" he lists.
"And nobody loves Jacuzzis more than me. Nobody" Zach insists. "And then we get there, and it turns out Pedro's paradise is just this room in this dude Pedro's crappy apartment" he explains.
"No. His apartment?" Rory asks. "23 miles from the ocean, with a view of a billboard for Mexican nasal spray" Zach tells her. "So the website lied" Victoria says.
"The kitchen we were promised, it smelled like Rice-a-Roni and was always full of Pedro's jerky friends listening to the devil's music, playing cards, and making snide remarks about us in code" Zach rants.
"Pedro's friends talked in code?" Rory asks. "Well, Spanish, technically. Same difference" Zach clarifies.
"They knew I couldn't understand them. Pedro was evil, man" he scoffs. "Man" Victoria says feeling bad. "Anyway on the second day, I got some parasite, and I've been barfing Linda Blair style ever since. I'm getting better, but now it looks like Lane's got it" Zach keeps going.
"Oh no" Rory says.
"I'm heading over to Doose's right now to get some ginger ale and saltines, which by the way was all we ate in the way of Mexican food" Zach tells them. "Oh, I'm sorry your trip was so sucky" Victoria responds.
"Yeah, well, live and learn. Like, now I know not to drink the water in Mexico, which, by the way, somebody should really tell you" Zach says. "And I learned that I'm not morally against murder. I just wish I had the guts to do it" he adds. "Well, I'm glad you didn't kill Pedro. I mean, he's not worth it" Rory replies.
"Yeah, whatever" Zach leaves.
When the girls walk in the house they find Brain playing video games in a sombrero. "Hello" Rory says.
"Hola" Brian turns to look at them. "Hola" Victoria replies walking towards Lane's room. "Hey, sicko. Oh, welcome home" Rory says walking in.
"I heard Pedro's paradise wasn't so paradisey" Victoria says sitting on Lane's bed. "Mexico sucked" Lane says. "Oh. But guess who we heard it from, your husband" Rory tells her.
"Can we not squeal about that?" Rory asks.
"I don't really want to squeal. If you feel like squealing, go right ahead" Lane replies. "Of course you don't feel like squealing. You're sick" Victoria says.
"I actually feel okay right now. My aversion to squealing is more emotional than physical" Lane explains. "I'm sorry your honeymoon was such a bummer" Rory tells her. "On, like, the fourth day, Zach got so paranoid that Pedro and his friends were talking lasciviously about me in code that he lunged at Pedro-leapt at him from behind the door. Luckily, Zach was so weak from parasites that he missed-just flopped to the kitchen floor like he was a pancake someone threw across the room" Lane tells them.
"People throw pancakes?" Rory asks.
"I just stared at him lying on the floor and thought, I just married that man" Lane continues. "And you didn't squeal for joy" Victoria says.
"Nope. I went into the other room and stared at Pedro's poster of Spuds McKenzie hanging 20 and ate my 20th saltine of the day" Lane replies. "The whole trip sounds kind of rough" Rory says. "Oh, you have no idea. What I just told you are the highlights compared to the real stuff" Lane tells them.
"No. What?" Victoria asks in disbelief that it could be worse.
"We can't talk here. The walls have ears" Lane says worried Brian will say something to Zach. "And giant sombreros" Rory adds.
"And big mouths. Let's go for a walk" Lane gets up. "No your not feeling well, you should take care of yourself" Victoria tells her. "I'm feeling all right right now, actually. Um besides I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, and if I start to barf in public, you could just pretend we were partying too hard" Lane insists.
"Which would do wonders for my rep. All right, Mrs. Van Gerbig, let's blow this popsicle stand" Rory laughs.
Once the girls are outside of the house and start walking Lane feels safe enough to talk. "So, now I know" she speaks up.
"Know what?" Victoria asks confused. "That it's bad. It's terrible...sеx" Lane answers. "Oh. No" Rory's eyes widen in shock.
"Sex was bad?" Victoria asks.
"You can drop the act, it's okay" Lane says. "I've known the real deal about Santa Claus for years. Now I know about sеx" she shrugs.
"Lane..." Rory starts. "You know what's funny? I really thought my mother was being an insane prude when she said that sеx was horrible for women" Lane laughs. "But now I can see that, in fact, my mother was the only woman who wasn't willing to maintain this ridiculous, pervasive, media-supported charade" she continues.
"What ridiculous, pervasive, media-supported charade?" Victoria asks.
"That sеx is normal. That sеx is a wonderful part of life" Lane answers. "That sеx is sexy. I mean, can we just not admit it?" she asks.
"Sex is not sexy. Sex is horrible" Lane keeps going. "Sex doesn't have to be horrible" Rory tells her. "In a way, I'm impressed with the depth of the conspiracy. If you think about it, it says something about the potential power of women that the entire gender could collude in creating the sеx is sexy myth" Lane says.
"So sеx with Zach was bad?" Victoria asks.
"Unbelievably bad" Lane confirms. "Every time?" Rory asks her.
"Yeah, right. Every time" Lane laughs. "You only did it once" Victoria realizes. "That's right, and I'm out" Lane replies.
"Well, the first time can be weird. My first time definitely had its weird aspects, but it gets better" Rory assures her.
"It gets good" Victoria nods. "Um, sorry. I just don't believe you" Lane stands her ground.
"Um...okay. You have to walk me through what happened" Rory tells her. "Not graphically though, we have baby ears here" Victoria adds. "Okay. So we decided that, for our first time, since it was such a big deal and everything, since we've been waiting and waiting and god, if I'd known what it was going to be like, I would have gladly kept waiting" Lane starts.
"But anyway we decided to re-create the scene in From Here To Eternity" she says.
"Wow. Sex on the beach, ambitious" Victoria says shocked Lane would do that for her first time. "Anyway, the whole thing was a disaster. Because you know what movies don't tell you?" Lane gets back to the story.
"That sand is basically dirt. It was dirty" she says. "It was cold. My hands were shaking" Lane continues. "I'm trying to remember stuff about cоndоm and bananas. And then suddenly I realize, we got crabs, live ones that are scuttling all over us" she says horrified just thinking about it.
"Zach starts freaking out because, apparently, he's afraid of shellfish. And it's getting colder and dirtier" Lane just keeps going.
"And at some point, this pervert with a snorkel mask appears out of nowhere. And I'm thinking, we took three buses from Pedro's apartment for this" her story only gets worse. "Oh, Lane" Victoria sighs feeling bad.
"Yeah, just talking about it makes me feel sick and queasy" Lane says. "Well, you are sick and queasy. You have a parasite" Rory points out. "I think you should try again when you feel better. Indoors this time" Victoria suggests.
"I'm open to the idea of a sexless marriage" Lane tells them.
"I mean it happens for some people, eventually. Why wait?" she asks. "Try a bed first. Seriously" Rory says.
"You would not believe what a comforter can do in this kind of situation" she adds. "Hey, aren't you supposed to be in Asia right now? How come you're not traipsing around Thailand with Logan?" Lane asks. "Um, Logan's job started. He's far, far away in London" Rory answers.
"You're lucky" Lane says knowing that means no sex.
"Yeah" Rory doesn't feel lucky.
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Victoria and Rory enter their house carrying shopping bags to see the living room decorated and Japanese rock music plays.
"You've made Asia for me?" Rory asks seeing her mother wearing a kimono. "Mm-hmm. Here's your kimono" Lorelai hands her one.
"Thank you" Rory takes it. "You made crazy Asia" Victoria says looking around. "Well, actually, believe it or not, but this is an exact replica of Japan, China, Vietnam, Cambodia, Hong Kong, Korea, and any other Asian countries that might have slipped my mind. This is exactly what you would see in the other Asia" Lorelai tells her daughters.
"The one that's not in our living room" Rory says.
"Yeah, the old Asia" Lorelai replies. "The first attempt, I like to call it. The prototype" she adds.
"Asia's a lot smaller than I thought, more intimate. And more fragrant" Victoria mentions. "Yes well, Miss Patty donated a bottle of her opium perfume, and I spritzed it around a little" Lorelai explains. "A little" Rory says smelling a lot.
"Well, little at first, and then I tripped on my flip-flop and broke the bottle" Lorelai says.
"Asia's so pretty. I love all the lanterns and the poster of Mao, very nice" Victoria notices. "And one of Sandra Oh. Oddly, you have a poster of Sandra Oh" Rory points out.
"Well, she's a goddess" Lorelai explains. "And those aren't posters. They're billboards" she insisting. "You've lost perspective" Lorelai complains.
"Ah. I see you Feng Shuied the furniture" Victoria says.
"Because it was so Unfeng Shuied before. It was ridiculous" Lorelai responds. "All right, well, first stop is Japan, land of the rising sun, ruled by hello kitty, where we are gonna make our own sushi" she tells her daughters.
"Us and raw fish? Is that safe?" Rory asks. "Well, I took a lesson, and if you're really nervous, then we can skip the Fugu. After we're stuffed with sushi, we will take an invisible Rikshaw to the rice paddies, I.E. your room, where we will spend hours Origamiing" Lorelai replies. "Paper cranes" Victoria gasps.
"Yeah, and paper bulldozers and paper dump trucks and whatever else your little heart desires. Then, we'll take a bullet train straight back to Tokyo where we'll relax with some tai chi in preparation for the kabuki play I wrote" Lorelai says.
"Tai chi's actually chinese" Victoria tells her. "Duh. I know that" Lorelai lies.
"We're gonna teach it to the Japanese" she says. "That's nice of us" Rory nods. "We're very nice that way, alright so, finally, we will conclude our journey with some fortune cookies and dessert sushi" Lorelai tells the girls.
"Dessert sushi, I do love Asia" Victoria smiles.
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"You are honestly asserting that you like the Tootsie-roll marshmallow Twizzler roll better than the butterfinger junior mint chocolate-chip jujube roll?" Victoria asks in disbelief.
"Hey call me crazy. I don't think butterfingers go with jujubes" Rory shrugs. "Crazy. The limitations of your palate astound me" Lorelai says.
"Hey, I liked the Oreo red hot sashimi" Rory points out. "Me too" Victoria agrees. "See, I'm not a hater" Rory says.
"Did you notice how the red hots acted as a dessert-Sushi Wasabi?" Lorelai asks.
"I did, which is something we should remember when we go to mass-market these. I am telling the invention of dessert Sushi is gonna make us our first million" Victoria says. "And our second" Rory adds.
"I'd like our third to be go-go dancing" Lorelai tells her daughters. "Sounds like a plan" Victoria agrees. "Hmm, I'm not following this plot" Rory looks up at the movie.
"Okay, um...in the last scene, there was a sign that said, no shirt, no shoes, no service, and this guy, shirtless guy, is angry about that, angry. And he's like, no, I'm not gonna wear a shirt, I hate shirts, and that pissed those other guys off" Victoria explains.
"Hey, you know what would be amazing and really Asian? Fried ice cream" Lorelai brings up. "Oh, cows must envy your stomach" Victoria says.
"Oh don't get me wrong, my stomach's ready to explode" Lorelai replies. "This is not a physical hunger. It's more of a spiritual hunger" she says. "For fried ice cream?" Rory asks.
"Yeah, it's an eastern-philosophy thing. You wouldn't understand" Lorelai get up and goes to the kitchen.
"So, how do you think one actually goes about frying ice cream?" she asks. "Probably in a frying pan" Rory says.
"Uh-oh. Oh" Lorelai says from the kitchen. "Bit of a situation here" she calls out to her daughters. "What?" Victoria asks.
"We are out of ice cream" Lorelai answers before the phone rings.
"I'm a cat with no legs" Rory says to full to answer the phone.
"We can't answer it. We're out of the country" Victoria insists. "No ice cream. Unbelievable" Lorelai complains.
"One time I feel like cooking there's no ice cream to fry" she scoffs. "Lor, hey, it's me. Just still trying to reach you" Christopher's voice comes on the answering machine. "Arr sorry I missed your call before. I wasn't calling about that whole Luke hitting me thing" he continues.
"I don't care about that. I just want to talk to you" Chris insists.
"I want to talk to you about the other night. You said it was just a one-night thing, but I want to talk about it, and about you and me, so...call me so we can talk" he keeps going. "Okay. Bye" the call ends.
"So...you slept with dad" Victoria says shocked. "Yeah. I did" Lorelai admits. "You slept with dad. Um, that's just...I can't believe you slept with dad" Rory says.
"Is that why you and Luke broke up, because you slept with dad?" Victoria asks.
"No, honey. No, I...believe me, no" Lorelai answers. "Um, Luke and I had broken up before" she assures her daughters.
"For how long?" Rory asks. "I mean it couldn't have been long. You and Luke have only been broken up for three days" she points out. "Yeah, it was that night" Lorelai replies.
"The night you and Luke broke up. Wow" Victoria says still in shock.
"So you just rushed right over there the minute you were free, huh?" Rory asks her mother. "Rory" Lorelai says.
"Sounds like you were in quite a hurry did you put a dummy in the passenger seat so you could use the car-pool lane?" Rory keeps going. "Rory" Victoria says this time. "What you didn't think of it? In too much of a rush I guess" Rory doesn't stop.
"I hope you buckled your seat belt. You're supposed to buckle your seat belt even if you're in a rush" she adds.
"Hey, Rory..." Lorelai says. "No, don't Rory me. You don't get to Rory me" Rory tells her.
"You slept with dad" Rory repeats. "Yeah. I-I-I...I know" Lorelai says. "Are you and dad together now?" Victoria asks.
"No, it was nothing. I mean, it...it had nothing to do with me and Luke" Lorelai responds.
"What happened between me and your dad was nothing. It was nothing" she insists. "Mom, you slept with dad" Rory says.
"For the love of god, will you stop saying that?" Lorelai asks. "No I can't stop saying it because it happened. And you're trying to pretend like it didn't" Rory tells her. "I'm not perfect, okay? People make mistakes" Lorelai says.
"I mean, Gwyneth Paltrow dyed her hair that dark brown. It was very unflattering" she gives an example.
"If she's not perfect, how do you expect me to be?" Lorelai asks. "Yeah, because what you did is equivalent to dying your hair. That's great" Victoria says sarcastically.
"Things were finally good between you two and between me and dad. Did you not care that things were really good between me and dad?" Rory asks her mother. "I mean do you not want us to be close? Did you mean to ruin that?" she accuses. "No! God, no" Lorelai replies.
"I love that dad's been good and that things with you and dad have been good. I...I was hurting" she says.
"I was heartbroken. And...it happened" Lorelai can't come up for a real reason for it being Chris. "I slept with your dad. It's over now, and it was a mistake" she insists.
"I can't believe you didn't tell me this. I mean, when I didn't get a full story I assumed you were too upset to talk not that you slept with dad" Victoria says shocked that Lorelai of all people wouldn't tell her. "Honey, I was gonna tell you. I just wanted-" Lorelai tries. "You know what, mom? If you're heartbroken, rent An Affair to Remember, have a good cry, and drown your sorrows in a pint of ice cream" Rory stops her.
"I'm going to Lane's, are you coming?" Rory turns to her sister.
"Jamie's asleep" Victoria tells her. "Okay" Rory leaves.
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It just hit me during that last line that Paris' ex's name is Jamie...too late I'm not changing it but shit