I have a problem. I can admit that. I'm honest with myself. I really do, but in my defense, I don't realize it's happening until someone is calling me out on it. It's unconscious, I can't help it.
"You're staring again." Gaz's teasing voice rang out like a song as he sat down next to me.
"Huh?" I asked, my eyes not leaving their mark.
"Jeez, you might be worse than Ghost." Gaz laughed.
I finally ripped my eyes away to glare at him. "Fuck off." I snapped.
Gaz smirked and took a bite of his sandwich. He mumbled something with his mouth full.
With a face contorted in disgust, I spoke once more. "Fuck, swallow before you speak dude."
Gaz rolled his eyes and continued to chew.
"Absolutely disgusting. A feral animal you are." I teased. "Didn't your mama raise you better than that?"
He hummed before swallowing. "My mama raised a gentleman."
Now I was the one to roll my eyes.
"I said, 'you really have a problem.'" He repeated his earlier statement.
"I do not." That's a lie.
"You've also got a lying problem." Gaz laughed.
"I do not!" I laughed loudly. For a brief moment, I looked over to see Soap looking at us. He smiled and offered a small wave. My stomach did flips as I waved back. I tore my eyes from him to continue my conversation with Gaz.
I liked being around Gaz. He was funny, and close in age so we were able to connect well. We often ate our lunches together on the bench outside the mess hall.
Recently, it's been less chatting about our usual topics and more him teasing me for the big fat fucking crush I had on John 'Soap' MacTavish. I had tried to hide it. I really, really tried to pretend I didn't have feelings for the Scotsman, but I couldn't help it. He was so pretty, so unlike everything I had ever known. He was something rare, something new, something special.
If she was being honest, the only person she would tell would be Gaz, but he had caught on quickly. He knew before I even said anything, which made me nervous that everyone else knew as well. That Soap knew.
And that's because I have a staring problem.
Soap was like a work of art. Every little feature about him was perfect and wonderful. He was like a walking painting. His eyes seemed to sparkle, his smile warmed my soul, and even his stupid mohawk sent my head spinning. Every chance I got I would study his face, his features.
He had scars, which I longed to reach out and trace, try and provide comfort for an injury already healed. The most noticeable one was on his chin, the jagged line ran through the light stubble, but I was more entranced by the much smaller one that rested just below his eyebrow. I wondered how he got them. Had they come from a mission? Beaten too badly to leave a lasting reminder. Or maybe it came from when he was a child, still learning how to move in a big scary world.
His eyelashes were long, and one particular night when we had been paired up on a mission stakeout, it started to rain. The small water droplets caught on his lashes and I found myself thinking about imagining snowflakes doing the same. His eyes seemed to sparkle as he looked at the stars. He told me about them, each constellation he pointed out with such happiness and excitement. He had wanted to be an astronaut as a kid. Wanted to travel through space and make new world-changing discoveries. I wondered why he had chosen this path instead.
He had a crooked smile to match a few crooked teeth. The right side of his mouth seemed to turn up just a tad more than the left side. And you would only notice his bottom row of teeth were slightly crooked if you were really looking. You couldn't see it when he smiled or spoke, but when he laughed, when he was really laughing, the kind where tears prick at the corners of your eyes and your sides hurt, his mouth would hang open and that's when you could see it. You had to be observing every little detail of him to pick it out, but I noticed.
"(Y/n)?" Gaz sang next to me. He waved a hand in front of my face, snapping me out of my trance once more. I groaned, embarrassment creeping onto my cheeks red and hot.
"Sorry," I mumbled.
Gaz laughed. "You know, you should just tell him. Get it over with. I wouldn't be surprised if he liked you back."
"Unless you know for sure, absolutely not. He would have to tell you flat out and even then I probably wouldn't believe you." I gave him a small glare. "Plus, there's no way."
"What do you mean no way?"
"Gaz, he treats me like everyone else. I'm just a teammate to him. Barely a friend." I sighed.
"He flirts with you all the time," Gaz said as if it was the most obvious thing ever.
"Just like he does with every single other female on base. He's a flirt, that's who he is, how he acts."
"No he do-"
"He's pulled the same line on me as he did to another girl three weeks ago," I said pointedly. "He's got a reputation. I've heard all about it. Girls go ahead and drool over him as he walks by and he uses that to his advantage when he doesn't want a lonely night."
"Yeah, but this is different," Gaz tried.
"I just-" I stopped and sighed. "I just don't want to be another name on the list," I admitted. "So I'm happy watching from afar."
"(Y/n)," Gaz sighed. He seemed sad like his heart sank for me. Felt the pain I was feeling thinking my love wasn't reciprocated.
"It's okay. I'm sure it will go away soon." I waved him off. I could feel the lump in my throat and my eyes started to sting, but I refused to be the girl with the middle school crush who thought it was her soulmate. I wouldn't cry over him, I deserved better than someone to cry over.
There was a small silence as Gaz debated something in his head. I could tell he wanted to say something, but I didn't want his pity. I didn't want anyone's pity.
"I have to go. I've got some paperwork that Price wants me to finish." I smiled at him. He knew it was an excuse to get out of the conversation, but he let me go anyways.
I got up and walked away. I could feel eyes on me and I assumed they were Gaz's. If I had looked back I would have seen it was Soap watching me walk away.
Later that day I found myself in the designated training room. I beat harshly against the punching bag, music blasting in my headphones. I needed to clear my head, needed to let some frustration out. I was focused, zeroed in on my task.
I didn't notice that others had entered the room. Didn't realize that it was my teammates, my best friends who came in to train as well. Didn't realize they had jumped into the ring to spar.
Sweat beaded against my brow and fell down my temple. My face was contorted in anger and frustration as I beat against the hard bag. It swung lightly with each landing blow. My hair was falling out and sticking to my face and neck uncomfortably, but it didn't stop me.
My lungs burned and were becoming desperate for air. When it became too much I stopped. I panted as I rested my forehead against the bag, looking down at the droplets of sweat that littered the ground. My knuckles stung and I was sure they would be bruised despite having wrapped them.
When my breathing had evened out I pushed myself off the bag and moved to grab my water. I jumped slightly seeing the four men in the room. Gaz waved at me and Price gave a nod. Ghost and Soap were too busy sparring to realize I had stopped my own activity. I waved back at Gaz and moved to the bench. Sitting down I grabbed my water bottle and took a swig.
Gaz had moved over to me and sat down on the bench as well. He elbowed me and tried to start up a conversation, but I was too out of breath to give much response besides a smile and nod.
As always my eyes found their way toward Soap. He was shirtless, something I didn't often see so I was extra hooked.
My breath had calmed and I was giving better answers to Gaz. We had both gotten used to my responses coming without eye contact. I hadn't even realized Ghost and Soap had stopped sparring. I was too distracted by every grove and detail of Soap's body.
"Eyes up here, soldier," Soap called out. His voice seemed to echo against the walls and I looked up in horror to see he was looking at me with a smirk.
My face burned like it was on fire and my heart pounded in my chest. I didn't say anything, just stared at his face. I didn't know what I would say.
Soap stepped out of the ring and down the steps towards me and Gaz.
"Wanna take a picture? It will last longer." He smirked. I stayed silent but my eyes didn't leave his face. I barely registered Gaz saying Soap's name in a warning tone.
"Or, if it's okay with Gaz, we can go back to my place and we can exercise together. I'll give you a better show. One you won't forget and will dream about for-" He said cockily. He was cut short though when I stood up quickly and slapped his face.
The smack actually did echo throughout the room. It was the only thing ripping through dead, shocked silence. Everyone's eyes were wide with shock. All but mine which were pointed and angry.
My lip twitched as it was forced into a frown. I was breathing heavy, no longer from working out, but from the fiery rage that was coursing through my veins.
"John MacTavish," I spat his name out as it tasted bitter and sick on my tongue. "I am not just another name for you to add to your list of conquests."
His hand went to his face to touch the cheek that stung and was turning red. He opened his mouth to say something but I didn't give him the chance.
"I deserve more respect and going forward I'd appreciate it if you didn't treat me as just another piece of ass to try and fuck." I snapped at him before walking out of the room and off to my sleeping quarters.
In my outburst, I had forgotten my water bottle, but I was too proud to go back and get it. I was sure Gaz would bring it to me later.
When I arrived in my room I rushed in and straight to the bathroom, spilling the minimal amount of contents into the toilet. The intense training, along with my rage that mixed with embarrassment made me nauseous. I wouldn't be able to go to the mess hall tonight. Not when I had just yelled at my superior officer. Nor would I be able to handle the stares and whispers about the incident as news travels fast on the base and someone would most likely overhear my team talking about the incident.
I sighed and washed out my mouth before showering to get the sweat and grime off of my body. When I finished, with nothing else to do and the inability to leave my room, I sat down on my bed and opened up a few files for the next mission. I silently prayed Price would partner me with someone other than Soap.
— — —
I was awoken by a knock on my door. When had I fallen asleep? I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and glanced at my clock. It was almost three in the morning.
"Who the fuck goes knocking on someone's door at three in the morning?" I mumbled. In my groggy and now annoyed state, I stomped over to the door and swung it over.
"What the fuck-" I started my demands strong but the words died in my throat and the question was finished weakly. "-do you want?"
I stared up at Soap who looked down at me. His jaw clenched and he swallowed hard.
"You weren't at dinner." He stated the obvious. I blinked at him. I let him sit uncomfortably in the silence. "I thought you might be hungry." He mumbled holding up a bag of food he probably stole from the mess hall.
"I'm fine, thank you," I said sternly. My stomach betrayed me and growled loudly. My eyes closed and my lips tightened into a straight line. I really was hungry, starving in fact, but my pride was refusing to let me admit it to him. I didn't want him to be right.
He held the bag out and I looked at it before taking it.
"Mind if I come in?" He asked softly.
"I do," I stated. His jaw clenched once more. "Why?" I asked.
"I wanted to talk. To apologize." He answered honestly.
My eyes narrowed and I searched his face for any sense of a lie. For any sense that he might be joking and this was all some big plan to embarrass me further. When I found nothing that indicated he was anything but truthful I opened my door further and moved to the side to let him in.
He took a couple of steps in and stood in the middle of the room. I sat on the bed and opened the bag. My mouth started to water when I saw the cheeseburger and fries inside. I pulled the burger out of the bag, it was still warm. Had he warmed it up for me? I took a bite and my eyes closed in satisfaction.
When my eyes opened I saw him still standing and looking at me. It was like he was waiting for permission to speak, to sit, to do anything.
I spoke with my mouth full, ignoring the little voice in the back of my head that chastised me for scolding Gaz about the same action earlier today.
Soap blinked at me, confused. I rolled my eyes and finished the bite.
I nodded to the desk chair. "You can sit down," I told him.
His head turned to the chair and he pulled it out before sitting down. He looked back to me and opened his mouth but closed it.
"You said you wanted to talk?" I asked. It came out harsher than intended, but I was hungry, embarrassed, angry, and impatient.
"I'm sorry." He said. "I truly am. I shouldn't have- fuck. I shouldn't have said that to you. I shouldn't have treated you so poorly. You're my teammate and you're a damn good soldier and you deserve more respect, more notability than I or others give you."
I took a deep breath. "Yeah. You shouldn't have. So why the fuck did you?"
Soap opened his mouth to say something but the words never came. He seemed to search his mind for any explanation.
"No reason that could possibly try to rationalize why." He stated.
"Tell me anyways." I wanted to know why. I wanted to know why he looked down on me. Why he saw me as lesser than the others. I knew it would break my heart, but I'd rather know than live wondering why.
"Because I was jealous. Because I'm an idiot. Because I think I'm in love with you." He admitted.
"What?" I asked, shocked by the admission.
"And I know you and Gaz are-" He sighed. "I wanted to push it down, swallow it but it made my stomach hurt. I was upset that I couldn't make you laugh, couldn't listen to your secrets, couldn't hold you in my arms. I want to be the one you want to be with, you call yours. But I can't and it fucking hurts every time I look at you."
I looked at him confused. How could these words be coming out of his mouth?
"I can't breathe properly when I'm around you. Everyone else annoys me because they aren't you. I can't eat, can't sleep, can't think when I know you're upset or in a dangerous situation. I can't take my eyes off of you when we are in the same room. I thought that maybe I could get you close by-" He stopped and shook his head. "It was stupid and I'm an asshole."
"Gaz and I aren't dating," I said. It was the only thing I could think to say.
"Fuck." He mumbled. "I fucking blew it."
"Soap why are you doing this?" I asked. The familiar lump of sadness sat in my throat. Tears started to well in my eyes and my lip trembled.
Upon seeing my distress Soap quickly moved from the chair to the bed. He hesitated before reaching out to cup my face and wipe a few stray tears.
"I'm selfish. I'm horrible and I am a selfish man."
"Stop lying to me, Soap. Don't be harsh."
"Oh bonnie. I am selfish, an asshole, a right cocky bastard, but I am no liar. I don't want anyone else to have you. I don't want your heart to beat for someone else. I don't want another to feel your touch or kiss your lips. I don't want them to be the reason you smile. I want to be yours in every single way I possibly can. I want to be the end, your last everything. I want to be the one you love." He promised.
"Soap-" I let out a small sob. "Johnny, you already are."
"(Y/n)," He whispered my name in disbelief.
I slapped his chest, wanting him to stop. He had to be lying.
"This is a sick joke, MacTavish." I cried as I continued to hit his chest.
"(Y/n), (y/n)," He mumbled. He grabbed my hands and held them tightly. "It's no joke. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. More sorry than I'll ever be in my entire life. I'll regret it for eternity." He told me. He brought the palm of my right hand up to his face and placed a kiss in it. A kiss for me to hold onto forever. A kiss that was mine, and only mine.
"I love you, Johnny. I'm in love with you. I- please." I begged. I didn't know exactly what I was begging for. Maybe for him to kiss me. Maybe for him to confirm he wasn't lying. Maybe for this to not be a dream.
He softly shushed me and pulled me in close. My head rested on his chest and his heartbeat comforted me. Soap rocked us softly back and forth. Mumbles of how much he cared about me and how much he loved me were placed in my hair.
He softly pulled back and his hands held my face gently. "Can I?" His request was soft and he didn't finish what he was asking for but I knew.
"Johnny," I whispered just as quietly with a small nod. My hands found his own face and I slowly pulled him in closer. He got the hint and moved in placing a soft kiss against my lips. I melted into him, returning the kiss with just as much care. I had dreamt of this, craved it for almost as long as I had known him.
It was short and soft but it was wonderful. When we pulled away I rested my head on his chest.
"Johnny, I don't wanna be just another-"
"Oh no, bonnie. You could never be. You're so much more. Too special." He held me tightly. "I don't ever have to touch you. As long as I can make you smile, make you happy, and make you feel loved, that's enough for me. I'll be happy just to be yours."
"I'm yours, Johnny," I whispered.
"And I'm yours."