August 8, 2012
Buckingham Palace still poses dauntingly.
A rectangular beacon of bright white light against the starless dark sky, and inside it's not much better. It doesn't matter how many times she's been inside, or the hospitality she receives when she is. She's always on alert when there, looking over her shoulder and careful of what she does.
Perhaps, it's that she won't allow herself to fully embrace the place, that will one day be her home, as normal. Seeing the expansive palace as such would be a sign she was getting comfortable, and a betrayal to who she really was.
At the same time it's not like she hates visiting, she loves seeing William's grandparents. Especially when they all get together for dinners. This week it's just them, his grandparents, father, Camilla, and Harry. A final get together before they all split up again.
"Harry, tell me again when you ship out?" Philip asks, picking at his salad, and ignoring the reproachful glare from his wife at the head of the table.
"First week of September and I'll be back by the end of January," he grins, shoving a fork full of lettuce drenched in dressing between his smiling lips.
Philip nods, clearly pleased, but he seems to be the only person completely on board with the decision. Both the Queen and Charles stare uneasily, the older woman hiding her thinned lips behind her glass of white wine. Jaclyn tries to smile herself, knowing William is not, but even she can only go so far. Each time he ships out she can only think of the things that could go wrong.
There was always going to be some deep seated jealousy with William that his brother got to do the one thing he wanted to do for himself, but they never spoke about it. Sometimes, he mumbled about how he felt like a fraud in his uniform and honors. Always late at night so he could wake up the next day like it was nothing. She always made sure to hold him tight and repeat that he wasn't, that his work with Search and Rescue mattered.
"How's Cressida handling the news?" Camilla asks. There's a slight hesitation to her words, a retraction of her chin like she's readying herself for a blow up, but Harry only shrugs. "She didn't seem to care much."
Across the table Philip shoots her a knowing look. The words, I told you so, written all over his face. Her gaze drops down to her salad, all of the tomatoes which were too acidic for her senses brushed to one side, while she continues to pick at the greens.
Months ago when Harry first announced his relationship with the blonde actress Philip told her out right how he knew it wouldn't last.
I know what kind of relationship this is, it's not one that lasts, he said, but Jaclyn was trying to be supportive over the fact that he was finally trying to move on from Chelsy. Besides, she liked Cressida well enough even if she didn't see sparks flying between the pair.
She's not the type to give up her life for this circus, he said after.
I did, she remarked back.
Well that's not saying much. She knocked him on the arm for that one.
"So both of you boys will be gone in January?" The Queen remarks, and for a second Jaclyn blinks at her, fork balanced between her fingers as her gaze switches from her husband to his grandmother.
And then it hit her.
William was being deployed with Search and Rescue to the Falkland Islands for six weeks. It was something they all agreed upon months ago, but things were different months ago. She would be close to her due date by the time he got back, and based on his look of apprehension he was coming to the same conclusion.
"Yes, I suppose that is the plan." If anyone thought his words were off no one said anything, instead switching their focus as the second course came out.
As her new plate replaces her old, she wants to reach up for the server and take the salad back. The acidic tomatoes were suddenly very appealing when compared to the rosie red color of her venison and the squishy texture of the okra and carrots spread across the plate.
Trying to breathe through her mouth did no favors. Instead of attacking her nose the strong smells coated her taste buds, sticking to her mouth like gum. Across the room the Hanoverian kings and queen watch her with dissatisfied looks, their portraits larger than life and swallowing the small rectangular table that's been set up for the family.
She makes sure to smile as the table talk continues. Most of the conversations revolve around the last week of the Olympics and who everyone thought should've won, why they should've won, and who was going to win in the last few days.
"Jaclyn, dear, how are you holding up? William told us you weren't feeling well." All eyes land on her, and she freezes, glancing down to where her husband's grandmother sits. It's then that she notices how palpable their concern is. She never takes days off, hardly ever has days within her schedule where she's not doing something, so for her to fall ill enough to miss something was a big deal.
The grip around her fork tightens, the skin under the high neck of her blue dress heating up. "I'm feeling much better," she lies, but knows she can't keep up the facade for the older woman who knows everything. So she turns to Camilla plastering on a false smile. "I was really disappointed I couldn't watch cycling with you. I heard it was a good race."
"You didn't miss much," she reasons, but behind her soft expression is something quizzical. Both women look at her and see the things she hides. The dark bags under her eyes that she covered and covered until they were nothing but a soft gray. The translucent glow to her hollow skin, and the food she's pushed around and cut but hasn't eaten.
William catches on, his hand lacing with the shaking one clutching her skirt under the table, and he tries to smile. Tries being the key word, because it's hard to smile when they're both exhausted and scared. "We actually have something we want to tell you."
The men perk up. Both Philip and Charles face him, and Harry miraculously stops eating to listen.
Suddenly she realizes how different telling his family is going to be. It's not better or worse but it's different, and it forces her to think about something she hasn't given much thought to.
This baby is going to be an heir to the throne. A future king or queen. William and her of course talked about it, mentioning amongst their happiness how there were decisions that had to be made, but that was before things took a turn for the worse. Now they weren't dreaming about golden princes and princesses, but praying for survival.
"Jaclyn's pregnant."
Someone gasps, Camilla possibly, and when Jaclyn's mind returns she's met by several overjoyed faces and Harry's hilarious dumbstruck shock.
"Congratulations to you both," The Queen smiles softly, and it's not the face splitting smile her own grandma gave her, but it's sweet and comforting nonetheless. Philip laughs, raising his glass while mumbling something crude into his drink, which breaks Harry from his stupor and earns the man another sharp glare from his wife.
It's Charles who's unsurprisingly the most excited, standing up to pull her into a hug. "This is such good news." It was no secret Charles loved the idea of grandchildren, Jaclyn was certain he had names picked out long before William and her actually got married. So she held onto that as she held him. A silent prayer circulating through her like a second nature.
"I'm going to be a grandpa," he tells his wife, opening up his hold so only one arm wraps around her shoulders
"Parliament is going to be thrilled," Camilla says, a coy and knowing smirk behind her wine glass, and Jaclyn blushes as she pulls back from Charles watching everyone else laugh lightly. She makes it a point to know the political atmosphere even if she can't comment or do anything about it, but lately... well she's fallen behind with everything going on.
Philip scoffs, "Well if this is the swift kick in the arse those bloody politicians need then so be it."
"Can I be there when you tell the prime minister, gran?" Harry snickers.
That's when she realizes what they're talking about. David Cameron was pushing for the Perth Agreement settled in Australia to become a succession act which would allow girls to hold their place in the line of succession without being bypassed for their younger brothers.
The only problem is Parliament is dragging their feet, stuck up on the technicalities. But no one would want another royal baby to be born, especially in such a modern age, without the matter being settled.
"Would you laugh if we told you we planned this?" She asks. Philip's boisterous laughter makes her feel lighter, like the pressure has lightened. As do the hugs from both Camilla and Harry. The latter who swears he's going to be the best uncle to ever grace the earth.
-----
August 15, 2012
The hospital is cold, pushing out air that settles under her skin until she's uncontrollably shivering. The gel covering her exposed abdomen is cold, matching the far off look that controls her eyes. The cold lives in her now, a rooted fear that's controlled her for the last few days, and as the nurse runs an odd looking wand over her stomach, Jaclyn allows herself to let her head collapse back.
Her eyes clench, a calming exhale attempting to extinguish the fear, but not even Williams' desperate hold on her hand can do that. Only the image of their baby can do that.
They wait in suffocating silence and eerie darkness. The blinds are drawn and the door is sealed as they wait in the furthest corner of St Mary's hospital. Not even the nurse knows what to say to them as she readies the ultrasound. Jaclyn imagines she can tell when something is not quite right, and by the way her bright smile tightened when they walked in, something isn't right.
Jaclyn knows that herself, she's an athlete after all, and even though she hasn't professionally danced in nearly two years she knows her body inside and out. Soreness became a part of her everyday life the second she committed to dancing, but this... it's something more. Her muscles sing sharply out of tune, and sometimes it feels like her steps are met with knives being lodged into her bones.
It's not something she can walk off or smile through like she has before.
The nurse breathes out muttering a soft, "thank god," but Jaclyn still can't open her eyes.
It's only when her name falls from William's lips, softly phrased and relieved that she feels safe enough to open her eyes. Of course, he's not looking at her.
The tv like screen on the wall has captured a grainy black and white image, the colors are distorted like static, but there's a clear image in the middle. It's enough for her to finally breathe and smile despite the exhaustion still pulling her down. Tears well in her eyes, and she holds William's hand tighter if only to assure herself that everything is real.
"Based on size and everything you've told me I'm going to say you're ten weeks along," the nurse explains, moving the wand a bit to adjust the image, "That's the head and arms right there and the legs..."
Jaclyn only looks away to share an ecstatic smile with William who leans down to press a soft kiss to her head while the nurse is turned away. "That's our baby." Her voice fills and swells like she might break down happily, and one look at William shows he's in the same boat as he nods, bottom lip pulled between his teeth.
Dum da dum...
The Intricate rhythm floods through the room once the nurse has found the heartbeat, and that's when Jaclyn's tears fall, her hand reaching up to stop the choked sob from filling the room. It's music like she's never heard, and she curls towards William as they listen with content and dopey smiles.
Once the nurse is done and cleans the gel off of Jaclyn's stomach they get a few copies of the sonogram photo, and she can't stop smiling at it. There's still a part of her that can't believe the baby is in there at all, but the proof is in her hands.
It's only a few minutes until the royal household's personal gynecologist is knocking.
"Your Royal Highnesses, it's a pleasure to meet you." Marcus Setchell has a presence that immediately has Jaclyn relaxing. His eyes crinkle under his wire framed glasses, and he smiles like they're the first couple he's had the pleasure of helping. He bows quickly, but kindly shakes both of their hands.
"Her Majesty speaks highly of you," William explains as the elderly man feigns playfully, "And we're grateful you're postponing retirement for us." Jaclyn agrees, bobbing her head. The man had been serving as the royal gynecologist since the nineties, and was on the brink of announcing his retirement when the queen called him.
"The pleasure is mine. Now, Jaclyn I'd like to go over your medical history. I know both you and your brother underwent genetic testing to pinpoint what caused his autism and if you were a carrier, and the results came up negative for known chromosomal variations. It's still possible for you to have a child with autism nonetheless. Genetic testing is often unreliable, and there's still a lot unknown."
She nods, not really concerned by the possibility. She knew there would be people bothered by it, but William and her already agreed that it didn't matter. They just wanted a healthy child.
"I was also told you both may have some concerns with how the first trimester is going?"
Hesitantly, she glances to William, unsure of where to start and how to do so. She grew up lying to doctors about her pain and injuries all so she could dance. Looking back she wants to smack herself, but that was how the dance world wired her to think. Pain was an illusion if she fought it hard enough.
The grim line of her husbands lips speak volumes, afterall he was often the one to drag her to hospitals kicking and screaming, so he takes the lead. As he goes on about the morning sickness, that really should be called all day sickness at this point, she finds herself adding things as well.
Describing the unfamiliar aches and pains in her body, and the fear she felt for not eating, Dr. Setchell writes it all down diligently.
After their spiel he looks her over, doing normal check up things, and she sits up with her arms braced to her sides holding her up.
He pauses to stare at her arms, a white eyebrow quirking over the rim of his glances at their hyperextended state, before the quizzical stare returns to his clipboard. William catches his pause too and they share a confused look, Williams hands impatiently tapping his knee as the man takes his time.
"You mentioned experiencing extensive morning sickness?"
"Yes," she says, wary of where this is going.
"Have you had problems with chronic pain or muscle fatigue before?" He asks, never looking up from where he's writing, and slowly the worry crawls back through her, coiling with nasty taunts. Something's not right... somethings wrong
She shakes her head forcing herself to stay present. "Umm... I danced for several years. I just thought those were normal things." That's when his gaze shifts, disbelieving eyes staring at her from over the top of his glasses. So, she tries to recount every major thing wrong with her body. The things her friends and her would all brush off, but other people would squirm at.
"I have a swayback, and there's a part of my spine that always has to be popped into place. I used to dislocate my shoulder as a joke when I was younger, but I stopped once it started to hurt. My knees hyperextend which I can mostly control unless I'm really tired and then the right one clicks back, and my hips pop whenever I bend and straighten my legs."
"And you're hyperextended in your arms..." His voice trails off, mind following a thought, and Jaclyn's sure William will never have feeling in his hand again after she squeezes it for the hundredth time. "Try something for me. Can you pull your thumb to your wrist? Now pinky backwards past ninety degrees? And I'm assuming you can touch the ground with straight legs?"
After each command she does as he says, showing off the extent of her natural mobility, but she does so with miniscule tremors seizing her body. Each task only leaves her with more questions than answers, and she wants to scream at him, but what about my baby? What does this have to do with my baby?
Finally he exhales, puzzling at his notes like he needs to double check the answers of a test, but when he meets her eyes again she feels like a pawn in a sick game. He's holding her fate in his hands, and she equally longs to know his assessment as much as she wishes to never hear it.
"I can't say for certain since genetics and joint mobility is not my area of expertise, but I think it's very possible you have a connective tissue disorder called hypermobility ehlers danlos syndrome."
Her brow furrows, and she feels William shift closer. As if he's going to protect her from something within her own body. "Are you sure?" She asks, not even entirely sure what he's saying. "How could I have not known?"
"It's very commonly overlooked, it makes sense that as a dancer your doctors and trainers would have brushed all these symptoms off as something normal and to be expected. Most women actually don't know they have EDS until they're pregnant because pregnancy worsens the condition."
It's William who speaks up, his voice even and controlled despite the desperation that crawls against his skin. "What can you tell us about it? Will both Jaclyn and the baby be alright?" In his eyes the monsters return, and she wants to go back ten minutes. Ten minutes ago happy tears lived where the monsters now lurk.
"I can't say for certain. EDS essentially means your ligaments are overly long, and with pregnancy those long ligaments will only grow longer and they won't return to their normal length. Which is a problem because the ligaments brace the bones in our bodies. So your body will be prone to subluxation or dislocating the further along you get which means miscarriage is possible."
"Over the years the biggest problems are seen during labor. The baby is usually born prematurely, and labor is dangerously accelerated. Perineal tears, uterine rupture, epidural failure, and post-partum hemorrhaging are also common."
He lists everything off so factually, and each one is another stab to her heart, another worry to keep her up at night. He continues talking, saying how they need to get her to a genetics specialist immediately to confirm his theory, but his warnings turn to a droning noise in the back of her head.
Angry tears fight to free themselves, but Jaclyn clenches her eyes wanting to be strong. She can't lose her baby. She can't lose her baby. She can't lose her baby...
"But there's absolutely no reason to think this won't be a perfectly normal pregnancy." Her jaw drops, and the only thing keeping her from strangling him is William's anchoring hand and the fact that the man is genuinely sweet.
No reason except all the reasons you just listed, her mind taunts.
Once he's left, to give them a moment and to schedule an appointment with genetics, she crawls from the examiners table into William's lap. It's probably a sight to see, her clinging to him desperately while he's squished in the awkwardly shaped hospital chair, but she hardly cares.
For the first time since she found out she sobs. Her fingers fist into his shirt, and her face hides against his shoulder while her other hand holds her stomach. His chest heaves under her, his own tears silently falling down her back as he holds her. Neither one of them can soothe the other, and neither one of them wants to be soothed. They just want a moment to be sorrowful together before they have to smile like nothings wrong.
He's gazing at the forgotten sonogram over her shoulder, and he reminds himself that everything's okay. They heard the heartbeat. It's okay. Maybe it's foolish to love someone so desperately when they've never met, when the object of affection is a bundle of cells and still growing organs the size of cherry tomato. But all the same they're both already so in love.
-----
Shit guys I swear this isn't supposed to be depressing! It actually does get better I swear, but the anxiety and stress of the unkown and then the terror of getting an unofficial diagnosis just can't be all rainbows and lollipops. But as the pregnancy progresses they'll both ease up more, and start to enjoy it.
Now onto the big topic... EDS
As said in the chapter ehlers danlos effects the connective tissue often resulting in hypermobility. If Jac having this is a shock I actually have been sprinkling this in the story since the beginning. It's the reason she's so flexiable, and why she hyperextends. I also mentioned her snapping hip briefly while Leo was dealing with his back pain and all of these were clues. And again because she's a dancer she didn't see anything wrong.
I do want to say though that most people have to fight tooth and nail to get a diagnosis and be taken seriously, but Jaclyn is in a privelged position which I am aware of and she will be as well once the shock wears off. So don't expect this to be common among pregnant women with EDS, majority are not believed and that puts them in very dangerous and life threatening situations.
Also my phone is broken so I am updating and commenting from my laptop lol.
Anyways let me know what you all think in the comments!!!