(A/N: The 50th chapter. Can you guys believe it?)
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"You sure you're not gonna sleep?"
Jimin narrowed his eyes at Mara. She offered a reassuring smile as she gathered the chicken's eggs, the basket beginning to fill up.
"I'm up and at 'em. There's a lot to do today and Namjoon needs all of you to help rebuild the watchtower. Jin and I have to take care of the rest," she approached Jimin, gesturing to the basket, "You up for some eggs for breakfast?"
Jimin chuckled, "Actually yes, I'm quite hungry."
That's all it took for Mara to almost waltz into the lodge, headed straight for the kitchen to retrieve the pan. Meanwhile, Jimin started up a good fire, setting everything in place for Mara to cook.
Before the girl could step out, she looked down at her arms and torso, the material that hugged her reminding her of Hoseok's gesture. She slipped the jacket off, not wanting the smell of smoke to stick to it. She took quick steps up to the second floor, careful not to make too much noise. The door to her bedroom was closed, and upon trying the knob, it did not budge.
She locked herself in my room.
Mara skipped paying Haneul a visit, going to Hoseok's door and knocking gently. The door creaked open, the empty bedroom, the open blinds and made bed notifying Mara that Hoseok had awoken and been up for a bit. She heard the sound of chatter, of faint laughter coming from just a few feet away. She approached quietly, the door to Yoongi's bedroom open just a slit.
The sight warmed her heart.
Yoongi sat at the center of the room, pulled up to the radio that never left his room. Hoseok sat next to him, his arm hung loosely over Yoongi's shoulder. Their muffled chatter grew clearer, but their conversation was so innocent and lively that she opted to leave them alone. Their friendship was not apparent to the naked eye, but just a bit of clues and close attention could reveal the tight bond between the two men.
Mara retracted from the door and headed into Hoseok's room, placing his jacket on the bed neatly and joining Jimin outside. The two were joined by almost everyone—everyone but Haneul.
"Haneul is still asleep, and she doesn't look like she'll wake anytime soon," Mara announced, noticing Sam's eyes narrowing into slits just as a groggy Jungkook joined the circle. Mara noticed this tension, but she said nothing and instead began cooking.
Someone is clearly protective over Haneul.
"I'll help you," Jin offered, taking a seat at the other side of the smiling girl. She lightly nudged him and shook her head.
"It's my turn to feed you," she said, leaning close to whisper, "First egg is for you."
"You can give it to Nam-"
"Let me do something nice for you," Mara playfully scolded through bared teeth. This amused Jin, and he chuckled at her expressions before sitting back into the chair. Mara had to say that Haneul's ambition was quite invigorating. Maybe in a way, Haneul did help Mara realize that regardless of the past, Namjoon was making an effort to keep everyone safe. She had to return that favor out of gratitude. It was a give and take kind of thing.
Because it is really nice to make a house into a home.
Indeed she stood by what she'd said, but Mara was starting to believe that maybe Haneul was, too. Not in her own home, though.
"You're awfully generous today," Namjoon sat across from the fire, analyzing Mara's small smile and her light eyes. She was nothing like the day prior, when she was sulking and "picking fights" (she was still a little bitter over that one.). However, Mara would try to make amends that very day, in the hopes of deeming all of their problems water under the bridge. Of course, it wasn't just up to her. If Haneul refused to stop vilifying Mara, then that was on her. Mara wouldn't waste so much energy on someone who was going to leave anyway.
Because she is absolutely leaving.
Right?
It seemed like forever ago that Hyunjae's people had arrived at Namjoon's camp. If she were severely honest, their departure was long overdue. Alas, it wasn't her decision so she'd have to suck it up.
"Just trying to do my job," Mara replied.
Namjoon was intrigued, "And that is?"
Mara hesitated for a moment. She felt like everyone was listening even though everyone else was distracted by other conversations.
"You take care of me and I take care of you," she chuckled nervously, "Though I think Jin does it better but I'm trying."
"You're doing good, angel," Jin softly praised.
Namjoon slowly sat back into his chair, appearing awkward at her statement. She was just as discomforted by his silence, but when he gave a short nod and muttered a 'thank you,' it didn't feel all that taboo anymore.
Jin stared at Namjoon, worry in his eyes over the conversation the two had the night prior. Namjoon seemed just as wary, but the two avoided bringing attention to it, refusing to ruin the lighthearted mood Mara had started the day with.
"And she's going to exchange a life of luxury and ease for this?" Jin gestured to the camp surrounding him, a snide look on his face. Namjoon's stare hardened.
"I'm proud of what we've built, are you not?" He challenged, jaw taut and words sharp. Jin sat across from Namjoon bearing skepticism. He didn't seem all too pleased but he was willing to entertain the matter for a minute.
"What exactly did she say was so enticing about this camp?" Jin asked.
Namjoon sharply inhaled, "She said she'd love to be a part of our closely-knit community."
Jin blinked, snorting and bursting into a laugh, "Us? Closely-knit?" Jin ridiculed, cackling for another second before dropping the smile and stoically staring at Namjoon, unimpressed, "Don't make me laugh."
Namjoon rolled his eyes, "Say what you want, but I think we're a pretty good team."
"Team? Yes. Family?" Jin softly smiled, "I wouldn't say that quite yet."
Mara gave Jin the first plate, then handed out a few more before holding the next plate up to Jin, her cheeks turning slightly red, "Can you give this to Jungkook?" Mara asked him, voice barely above a whisper. She glanced at the boy, who seemed to be in his own world. Mara guessed that without Haneul around, he could finally enjoy just a moment of silence to himself.
I'll make amends, but later. I deserve a couple roasts.
"Give it to him," Jin whispered back, "I don't know what's up with you two but you better make up," he raised a brow.
"Yes, sir," she sighed, standing from the chair and extending her arm to Jungkook. He blinked himself out of his daydream and peered down, taking the plate and gently smiling.
"Thanks."
Mara felt her face grow hotter, and she quickly sat back down and made everyone else's food. Jin eyed the two with suspicion, but continued to eat happily as the rest had.
"We're hoping to get this finished by tomorrow if that's alright? For now we're gathering materials and tomorrow we're putting everything together," Namjoon announced, receiving affirmative nods from the men before him. Mara and Jin sat by the porch after having been banned from helping. The leader had said something along the lines of, 'you've done your part.' With some explaining, Mara found herself quite surprised—pleasantly surprised.
"Like you said, we take care of him and he takes care of us. We've organized this home and in turn, he does the hard work," Jin shrugged, "He appreciates when things are organized."
Mara stared oddly at Jin, "I'm honestly so confused."
Now Jin stared at her, "Why?"
"I don't recognize this Namjoon," she shrugged.
Jin's frown softened, "He used to be like this all the time, but sweeter and a lot more," he paused, gesturing with his hands, "Open. I feel like he wants to open up again, but he's afraid," he muttered, seemingly more to himself than Mara. The girl's brows raised in surprise.
"A sweet Namjoon," Mara mumbled to herself, "I would've loved to see that. So far he's on a rolling start," Mara smiled, a nod of agreement coming from Jin.
"I'm trying not to be biased here but I don't think he's a monster," Jin mused, eyes on Namjoon. The leader spoke aloud to the crowd of men—a total of eight—and with his chin held high with authority he assigned everyone their duties. Namjoon was a man of confidence, and his word was his bond, albeit sometimes his confidence was fixated on the wrong intentions.
If he was gonna be wrong, he at least owned up to it.
"Surviving in all of this," Jin ticked his head, "It roughed him up pretty good. He lost his family, his best friend, and God knows who else. And when people don't wanna lose more they kind've...lose sight of the big picture. They get tunnel vision and they hone in on protecting everything they love and care for," Jin spoke, staring into space, "Whatever threatens that...they make it disappear."
Mara felt the hairs on her arms stand and chills ran up her back. Everything Jin was saying was right on the mark, and not only did she understand what he meant but she had been through it. The whole debacle with Namjoon and the savages: it all made sense. Mara looked up just in time to make eye contact with Namjoon. It was an indecipherable exchange of uncertainty and bitterness, for both the past and what was to come soon, in the future, or maybe never. Mara flitted her gaze away from his brooding stare and offered Jin a tight-lipped smile,
"I wish this could come from his mouth," she softly spoke. Jin pursed his lips, saying nothing in return.
The conversation had ended in a brief silence interrupted by Kai, who's bright eyes asked for Mara's attention.
"Do you think you could accompany me to the stables?"
Mara blinked away the plethora of conflicting thoughts and nodded, giving Jin one last look before excusing herself from his company. Kai waited for her to lead the way, his hands at his back and his eyes on the side of her face. A small smile teased the corners of lips, but he quickly averted his gaze when Mara glanced.
"Will you guys be needing our horses?" Mara asked, the drying mud faintly squelching under their feet. Mara noticed how Kai's brown skin glowed in the sun, and the way his short and curly brown hair bounced with every step he took. He was an absolutely stunning man, one donned with perfect features and remarkable green eyes.
"Namjoon insisted we use his. He said our horses will need to rest before our trip back home," Kai replied. Mara hummed, and soon both reached the stables. Brownie was the first to notice Mara, and his ears perked up, eyes intent on the girl that couldn't help the grin on her face. Oreo and Fro-Yo were next, all three focused on the girl. Kai noticed this, glancing at Mara's smile and chuckling.
"You have their undivided attention," he commented.
Mara hummed, "I like to think I'm their favorite," she smugly shrugged.
Amused, Kai lightly spoke, "Even animals fancy a pretty woman."
Mara sheepishly chuckled, waving her hand at him, "I'm just more active with them than the others," she said.
Mara pulled open the gate, petting Brownie and offering for Kai to do the same, "Try petting them a bit so you gain their trust. Not sure how they'll feel out there."
Kai obeyed, gently approaching and offering his kind affection to the animal. He stepped inside with Brownie, Mara going to grab the leads. Just as she did this, a disgruntled, groggy Haneul came stomping into the stables. The horses immediately reacted, whining in apprehension. Their eyes turned wide and they stepped further back into their enclosure. Mara put distance between her and Haneul as well, tensing at her scowl.
"Why didn't you wake me up?" She interrogated, her eyes narrowing at Mara. The girl cleared her throat, offering an warm yet unsure smile.
"Good morning. I figured you'd want to sleep in," Mara nervously chuckled. With Kai in the enclosure, Haneul seemed completely oblivious to his presence.
Haneul stared blankly at Mara, "Did you, now?" She sarcastically replied. Mara raised her brows in surprise of her biting remarks, unsure why she would even be so upset.
"Um...yeah?" Mara shrugged.
"I'm guessing you did it to make me look bad? You wanted me to look lazy?" Haneul deadpanned, her lip curling in distaste. Mara could feel Kai's stare, and she bit her tongue to keep from saying anything rude.
"I didn't think it would be a problem," Mara said.
Haneul scoffed, "Do you have something against me? 'Cause I can feel the envy," she crossed her arms. Mara chuckled, shaking her head.
"No, that's nonsense," Mara smiled, "I think you're great."
Haneul made a face, "Yeah well, you have no other choice. You're just a maid, you don't get to have any other opinions," she curtly remarked. Mara rubbed her lips together, staring at the ground for a second before looking back up at Haneul. For a second, Mara also forgot Kai was in earshot.
"I don't understand why you belittle me everyday," Mara bit her lip, "I've been kind to you, and in return you've lied to our leader about me. You've tried turning Jungkook against me, and I think about these passed few days and what I've done that could have possibly upset you. I come up empty-handed," Mara politely explained, hoping to get to the bottom of Haneul's very blunt and impudent behavior. Haneul did not seem pleased, her eyes narrowing at Mara and another scoff leaving her.
Mara was curious, so she asked again, "Do you wish to replace me?"
Haneul snickered, "Replace you? I already have. It's extremely easy to. You're nothing spectacular."
Mara smiled, "If Im nothing spectacular, then what is so appealing about what I have? Do you crave the attention you believe I receive?"
Haneul looked offended, and she held a hand to her heart, "Are you calling me an attention whore?"
Mara's eyes widened, "I don't believe those words left my-"
"Just admit that I'm better than you," Haneul snapped, "Soon I'll be taking everything you thought was yours," she smirked, "He said I'd get your room."
Mara's face fell, and she stuttered out a reply, "Wh-Huh?"
"Namjoon offered to accommodate me indefinitely. He wants me to be a part of this camp," Haneul smugly admitted, her eyes scanning Mara's expression with satisfaction. Mara was dumbfounded, speechless, but still quite wary to their truthfulness.
"Jungkook is really excited for me. I am too. We'll get to see each other every day," she airily spoke, "I guess they saw how hardworking I was compared to you. They want someone who doesn't just complain all the time."
"I sincerely doubt that," Mara bit back.
All attempts of making amends had gone out the window, and Mara was left to try and figure out exactly what Haneul's problem was with her. Haneul's intentions were clear now—very clear.
Haneul's smile fell, and she was back to her curled lip and deprecating glare. Mara gave her a small smile, trying to be reassured by her own thoughts even with doubt prevalent in the back of her mind.
"Are you calling me a liar?" Haneul challenged, "Because I don't like being caller a liar," she seethed.
Mara held her hands up defensively, "You keep putting words in my mouth."
"I don't understand how Jungkook could be friends with someone like you," Haneul scrutinized her from head to toe, bearing a condemning glint in her eyes.
Me either, Mara thought, referring to the bratty girl.
"Kookie likes girls like me. Hardworking, beautiful, submissive. He doesn't like girls that act like a man and look like one too with nasty scars on their faces and backs," Haneul stepped closer, in Mara's face as she said, "Speaking of: I see right through you. You can't lie to me."
Stunned, Mara searched Haneul's stony gaze for answers, but she was left just as confused, if not more.
"I don't know what you mean?" Mara muttered.
"I know your secret," Haneul stepped closer to her, the smirk on her lips casting doubt onto a softly frowning Mara, "I know who you really are," she whispered. The poor girl was left to mull on exactly what kind of dirt Haneul had on her. Of course, there was only one thing Haneul could leverage. But the only way she could've known was...
To have read that notepad.
So much for burning the damn thing.
And so the words were not as dead as Mara wanted them to be. They were still in Jin and Haneul's minds. However, that had to mean she took it from Jungkook at some point...or was even given it by him.
No...Jungkook wouldn't do that.
Jin wouldn't do that.
Then how?
"It would be in your best interest to help me win Jungkook over," She tsk'ed, "Unless you want me to spill," Haneul threatened. Mara was nervous, but she refused to show it. There was nothing remotely intimidating about Haneul, but the implications of her threat were a bit daunting.
"If you believe he likes you then why do you want my help?" Mara interjected, "F or anything for that matter? I thought you were capable of doing everything, or at least that's what you've been saying these passed few days. Why ask the person who you're trying to replace? The last thing I would do is help you, especially when you're constantly condescending towards me even with your little nice-girl act," Mara ranted, maintaining her stoic face as Haneul's smile fell.
"What?" Haneul whispered, "Nice-girl act? I'm the kindest person you could ever meet-"
"I think you know very well what I'm talking about. So figure your situation out before you leave. I'm not helping you with anything, and I'm going to continue doing my work, so if you'd please have some self control. I understand you want to be the center of attention and the woman of the house- fucking whatever," Mara groaned, "No matter how good you think you are, nothing will ever be enough for anyone," Mara muttered, "I know from experience."
Mara gestured to the exit, hoping Haneul would leave her alone just for that day. She had started off so well and Haneul's presence, along with her ill-timed tirade, was really about to turn her mood sour.
"You've always had a lot to say," Haneul dramatically sighed, "Without really saying anything. I really thought we could get along as women-"
"You never tried to get along with me," Mara shook her head, "We," she laughed, "We are not friends. You are a stranger staying at our camp. At first I understood that you wanted to help. But then your intentions became clear."
Haneul rolled her eyes, crossing her arms apathetically.
"You're no competition," Haneul raised an eyebrow, "You're so caught up in your own emotions, in your own weaknesses that you make it easy for someone to come in and take your place," she sneered.
"We've all got hurdles to overcome. I'm no exception. But you underestimate my awareness, and I take offense to that," Mara smirked, "You may know about my weaknesses, but I never made an effort to hide them. It's the first thing people go for, and it makes it easy to to see what they'll do next."
"You think you're so smart," Haneul scoffed, "You're just some girl in some camp nobody gives a fuck about. You have some kind of grandiosity that makes you feel important?" She sneered.
"If I'm not mistaken, this camp 'nobody gives a fuck about' is the same one you're trying to stay at, so I would have just a bit more respect for it, if I were you. And I'm not better than everyone," Mara pointed at Haneul, "I'm just better than you."
"Right," Haneul rolled her eyes, "Everything so far has gone my way. I don't think you know how far ahead I am. And I was thinking about what you said to me the first day," Haneul picked at her nails, "And you're right. It's really rewarding to help make a house into a home. "
Mara chuckled, "Okay."
Haneul's smirk twitched, "Okay? That's it?"
Mara shrugged, "Yeah."
"You gave up already-"
"No, I just said okay. I'd love to see you try and take my place. That's what I meant," Mara grinned, watching as Haneul rolled her eyes.
"You won't have any smartass comments to make once I prove you wrong," Haneul muttered, "Oh and you've got more clothes to wash. So you better get to that," she snapped, turning on her heels and walking away. Mara watched her go with a blank smile, her eye slightly twitching. The silence was deafening, but Brownie's small snorts calmed her down a bit.
"I'm so sorry about that."
Mara seemed to have the words taken right out of her mouth. She expected herself to be the one to utter them, but a guilty looking Kai stepped up to her, shaking his head in disapproval. Mara was surprised, and she blinked at him in confusion. He rubbed the back of his neck, sighing.
"She does this all the time back at our camp. Sam and Haneul used to be rich kids with rich and privileged parents," he shrugged, "Haneul never stopped believing she was superior."
Now knowing what to say, Mara blurted, "Damn."
Kai paused, snorting, "Makes sense doesn't it?"
Mara heavily exhaled, "A lot of sense, actually."
"I promise you won't have to worry about her. She's all talk," Kai reassured, "And I know this sounds weird coming from me—a supposed," he air quoted, "Friend of hers but even Sam knows she's a bit spoiled."
"A bit? She's being spoiled even by my own leader," Mara rolled her eyes, remembering the argument with Namjoon the day prior. After her fall from the watchtower, he seemed to go easy on her. At least for the time being.
"Seems like you're used to it," Kai observed, eyeing Mara's frown. The girl shrugged, trying to brush off the concern.
"We've been working on it," she distractedly muttered.
"I'll talk to Sam about it-"
"Let's..." Mara sighed, "Let's keep this between you and me. I don't want any problems. I especially don't want to jeopardize Namjoon's alliance with Hyunjae all for some petty rivalry."
Kai pursed his lips, still unsure. Mara was just glad to have somebody to witness Haneul's treatment towards her. It was lonely when being falsely pinned as some envious villain.
"You're too good for these people," Kai suddenly spoke, meeting Mara's gaze with a warm sincerity that filled her heart with ease. Kai was a comforting presence to have around, and she would definitely miss the kind of energy he carried. He offered Mara a smile, gently taking the lead and mouth guard from her hands and placing them on Brownie.
"I don't think so..." she trailed off.
"And humble," Kai playfully added.
Both shared a laugh, continuing their conversation as they brought the horses to Namjoon, who seemed quite impatient as he watched them arrive.
"Deuteronopia? Which one is that?" Mara asked.
"I can't perceive the color green," Kai replied, seeming to be quite disappointed, but also used to his inability to see the color.
Mara sadly hummed, "So your eyes are green, but to you they appear...?" She trailed off with uncertainty.
"Brown," he finished for her.
"I guess for you, it's always fall then huh?" She commented, her eyes widening by a fraction as she placed a finger to her lips, "I'm so sorry, was that rude?"
Kai chuckled, "No. Not at all. Making light of it is always refreshing," he reassured.
"Your optimism is contagious," Mara grinned, "And hey, you don't have to see to believe your eyes are actually the most stunning green I've ever seen. Reminds me of this super pretty lake I used to-"
Someone cleared their throat as they stepped between Mara and Kai, the conversation coming to an abrupt end. Jungkook silently gestured for Kai to hand over the lead, and Kai did so with a faltering expression. The two stared at each other stoically, and Mara peered over Jungkook's shoulder with a deepening frown.
"I was talking to him," Mara claimed from behind Jungkook, who turned to Mara and looked down at her, mirroring her expression. She looked down at his open hand, which awaited for the lead. She lightly slapped the rope onto his palm and rolled her eyes, petting Brownie and giving him a kiss before stepping away.
"I'll let you get to work," Mara spoke over to Kai, making sure Jungkook saw as she grinned and gave a thumbs up. Kai's stoicism melted away and his eyes glinted with the rays of the sun.
"Thanks. Oh, and don't worry about the clothes," he pointed at her and sternly said, "It's not your responsibility."
Mara gratefully nodded, "Okay."
From the sidelines, Jungkook watched the exchange with a clenched jaw. He begrudgingly pulled the horses over to Namjoon and the rest of the men, helping to tie the wagon onto their backs. The men were at it in no time, opening the gate and beginning their work out in the forest, cutting trees and loading them onto the wagon. The sounds of hacking and falling trees filled the forest. The vibration of trunks that slammed onto the forest soil reached far, but the sounds grew muted the farther you got from the hustle and bustle of hardworking men.
Mara headed inside momentarily, filling cups with drinkable water and brining them outside two by two.
"Thanks," Taehyung gave a tight-lipped smile, gulping down the water in just a few seconds. He was lightly socked by Jimin, urged to not drink so fast. Taehyung paid no mind and gave Mara the empty cup back, immediately going back to work. Mara gave the next full cup to Jungkook, holding oddly deep eye contact with his as he drank. It was never easy to hide how flustered she became when under his intense stare.
"Thank you," he muttered, handing her the cup before reaching up to wipe his face. Mara quickly held his wrist, stopping him from touching his skin. The boy blinked in confusion, and Mara rolled her eyes.
"If you don't want splinters on your face, I suggest you use a rag," Mara suggested, "Splinters aren't fun to take out. I know from experience."
Jungkook slowly nodded, and she retracted her hand, stepping away and heading back inside the walls.
"Can I help with something?" Mara heard Haneul ask, her doe eyes staring up at Sam. The guy's breathing was ragged as he eyed his sister, acquiescing only to get her to stay away from the dangerous environment. The girl had been sitting dejected on the porch near Jin and Mara, refusing to speak a single word but often sparing a couple glares and rolling her eyes at an oblivious Mara. The latter was too focused on Haneul's threats, wondering what exactly Haneul possibly knew that could potentially make her life difficult.
Not much that I know of.
"You can help get rid of the yew berries," Sam pointed to the logs already inside the walls. Haneul looked back at Sam with a raised brow.
"That's it?" She deadpanned.
"You're not helping out here," Sam shook his head.
Haneul crossed her arms, "Why not?"
"Haneul, no offense, but you can barely do a push up. I don't expect you to be able to chop down a goddamn tree, even less lift one," Sam chided. Haneul leaned back, offended and turning red in embarrassment. She glanced around, catching Namjoon's side-eye.
"I'm capable of anything-"
"Please don't fight me on this. Go. Those yew berries aren't good to leave scattered around," Sam ordered, tilting his head at Haneul when the girl remained motionless, "Now."
Haneul rolled her eyes, "Fine."
The girl began picking yew berries from the branches of trees, breaking said branches to make sanding them easier. She muttered unintelligible nothings as she scavenged for the red berries, shoving them into her jacket pocket. Haneul glanced at Mara and Jin, who had engaged in conversation, seemingly a deep one too. She stared down at the berries in her hands, huffing and clenching her jaw.
"I wanted to ask you a lot of things after I read your notepad," Jin had muttered to Mara's unease. He was the only one (if Haneul was bluffing) to have read her notepad. His eyes told her everything, and his curiosity along with a deep concern was only the start of his journey to getting the answers he wanted from Mara. She used to think she could trust Jin with everything, but considering that he caved at the chance to share Mara's intimate thoughts, the girl was more cautious to the extent of her confessions. She had to go back to being reserved. Writing her thoughts down only served as a temptation for others.
"You're not completely entitled to the answers, but if I feel like answering, I will," Mara frankly spoke, and Jin nodded in reception. He still seemed a bit ashamed to have looked through the notepad.
"I...saw the thing about your parents," Jin mumbled, biting his lip and anxiously picking at his frayed shirt. Mara's blood ran cold. She wasn't expecting for him to go for the homerun when he hadn't even stepped into the field yet.
"Is it true?" He asked.
Mara inhaled sharply, "I'd rather skip this one."
"Wouldn't it be better to put it out there? Once and for all?" Jin pressed, leaning over to get a look at Mara's face. She turned to him with a deep frown.
"To soothe your curiosity, you mean?" She bluntly asked, Jin's brows twitching with disconcerted surprise. He didn't expect her to respond so coldly—not to him. She wouldn't apologize after her privacy had been invaded.
"I don't mean it that way, angel-"
"I wrote those things in there so that I could make myself feel better, not so that I could be blindsided by someone I trusted," Mara softly spoke, "That's why I burned it."
"The notepad?"
"Yes."
"I'm sorry. It wasn't my intention to ruin that for you," Jin lamented, "I just wanted to look after you."
"You still gave it to Jungkook. Imagine if he'd read it. The things in there could've jeopardized our friendship-" Mara groaned.
"Not if you knew what I know," Jin cryptically said.
"The point of secrets is that you're supposed to keep them," Mara gave him a pointed look, and he scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.
"Yeah...I was just hoping things would play out differently," he admitted.
"I don't know what that means, but things need to happen on their own. You can't force whatever outcome you were hoping for," Mara muttered, shrugging, "I do wish I could read minds," she stared at Jungkook, her glare softening at the sight of his pout and focused frown, "But that's the beauty of it. If someone tells you how they feel, it's because they want you to know. They want to share their private and most intimate thoughts because they trust you."
"Do you not trust me?" Jin dejectedly asked.
"Of course I do, but your actions make me mindful of what I say next," she confessed, a small smile playing on her lips, "I wouldn't want you spilling the beans on purpose or on accident," she nudged him.
Jin sighed, "I feel like a dick."
"It's not that bad. You're not a complete asshole," she tilted her head side to side, "Maybe just a little bit."
Jin looked up at her, guilt clear on his face. At this, Mara burst into fits of giggles. Jin shook his head, a small smile twitching on his lips.
"I promise to never snoop unless you want me to," he timidly said, to which Mara heavily sighed, linking her arm around his.
"I forgave you. I know you meant no harm."
"I care about you."
"I do too, Jin. Trust me."
The day continued onwards as if doom were not imminent. A day in the sun proved tiresome for the eight men that had been hacking away for the next couple of hours. Mara and Jin made sure to bring them water and rags to dry their foreheads of the thin sheen of perspiration. The sun was at its peak, the day becoming warmer as the hours progressed. Mara was pleasantly surprised to see an active Yoongi, guided by a proactive Namjoon who guided him. Ever since coming back from the city, Namjoon had been making quite the effort. She figured it had to do with Jin and Yoongi's argument.
Things are finally changing.
Mara and Jin entered the greenhouse with tempted fingers ready to pick vegetables and other greens for lunch. Jin figured that the men would be hungry, and two eggs for breakfast wouldn't be enough energy for the workload. Meat and other ingredients had been taken from the resource pile brought from Hyunjae's, and it was then that Mara saw the extent of the bulk of supplies.
"It's perishable mixed in with non-perishables. They'll last us a while," Jin said, "But I also don't want my greens to rot, so we gotta use both."
Mara hummed, helping pick out the vegetables and once the basket was filled with variety, she headed out to make a fire.
"Not too many logs remember!" Jin called out to Mara as he returned inside with his arms full.
"Not too many," Mara mumbled to herself, "Three or four should-"
Mara grew quiet, the sound of commotion from the front yard drawing her attention. She stood up straight, listening as the loud neighing made its way to her ears. Mara's eyes widened, the sound of a distressed horse causing her stomach to drop. She watched with trepidation as Fro-Yo, a usually calm horse, whirred past her in a panic, ears drawn back in fear. He galloped away, but the almost pained whining did not stop.
Mara dropped everything, legs sprinting to the front yard before she understood what was going on. The backs of everyone's heads came to view first, dread flourishing in Mara's heart at their frozen postures. The neighing grew distressing to hear, but she didn't quite expect the sight just feet before several pairs of stunned eyes. She pushed passed everyone, clutching her chest with tears threatening to spill.
Brownie laid on the ground helplessly, involuntarily thrashing and twitching in what appeared to be a spontaneous seizure. His wide eyes portrayed terror at what he could not understand but could intensely feel. Such a gentle and defenseless animal was going through something so traumatic, not only for him but for Mara and Jungkook. Both had only ever hoped for health and happiness for the creature, and yet both were left to watch as it suffered on the ground at arm's reach.
Around Brownie there was excrement and other bodily fluids, all a product of something that seemed to have terribly affected and gained control of his stomach and bowels. Brownie heavily salivated, his tongue and lips twitching to Mara's horror.
Mara attempted to step forward, wishing to offer her comfort when the poor animal must've felt like some sort of horror show, watched intently by eyes that found his pain to be disturbing.
"What happened?!" Mara cried out.
Jungkook stopped the girl from stepping forward, restraining her even she tried pulling away. He held her against his chest and tried keep himself from crying. His eyes were glossed over with unshed tears. He loved the animal, and to see something he loved in pain was painful to him. Mara covered her mouth, trying to muffle her desperate whines.
Nobody could do a thing. Nothing could be done except wait for the seizure to end.
Whatever ailment had plagued the horse was gluing him with uncontrollable convulsions to the ground. Everyone knew that such an animal could not spend too much time laying, and time was critical to helping stabilize it. However, the look on Namjoon and Jin's face told of their unfortunate cluelessness. They didn't know how to help him, and neither did Mara nor Jungkook. In fact, everyone seemed quite distressed at their inability to help.
Mara had covered her ears, hidden in Jungkook's chest to keep herself from freaking out even more. She couldn't be afraid and stressed; Brownie could feel those emotions that emanated from the anguished woman like a foul stench. Doubt and relinquished hope floated in the air, and from what could be seen, much could be determined.
The horse seized its twitching, stretching out its legs stiffly in an attempt to release tension. Mara immediately pulled away from Jungkook, kneeling beside Brownie and pulling his head onto her lap. She ignored the bile and drool, her trembling lips whispering comforting words and hushing his incessant, tired neighing. His eyes remained wide and they wildly shifted, but Mara tried to direct his focus to her and only her. At the sight of her, Brownie tried to stand up, and Mara welcomed his attempt with a bit of help. The weight of the animal, however, proved to be too much to handle, even for Brownie. His legs gave out from under him and he fell back down in a heap, rousing a cloud of dust Mara inhaled and harshly coughed at.
The girl turned to everyone, eyes pleading for someone, anybody, to help. Unfortunately, with no way to help, she was left to resign and cry unto the horse's sweaty coat.
Whatever had hit Brownie, hit him hard.
No no no.
Why is this happening?
Brownie was tense and his breathing had slowed, but every breath looked labored. Mara stared into Brownie's eyes, sincere and profound adoration in her watery eyes. Mara's lips twitched into a frown even as she tried to smile through the stinging pain. The horse still tried to stand, but Mara hushed it into laying back down. He was deeply hurting, and this spontaneous collapse paired with pained seizures only drove Mara into a disoriented loop of what-ifs and self-blame.
"You're okay," She cooed, leaning her head against the horse's head. As Namjoon and Jin argued over ways to save the horse, Mara gave the horse the company he needed. She would be there every second through the pain. If Brownie made it, it would be a miracle, but the horse could not stand, no matter how much it tried. Laying down in such a condition meant one thing:
Brownie would not be getting back up.
"Such a good boy," Mara whispered, petting his mane and hushing its snorts and whines. Jin ordered for everyone to head inside, hoping to spare Mara some privacy and dignity. Everyone obeyed with discouraged expressions, but Haneul stayed behind, staring at the events unfolding.
"W-We have a vet at camp, don't we Sam? We could...We could bring him-" Haneul urged, pulling at Sam's sleeve. Sam, however, stood somberly off to the side, slowly shaking his head at his sister. Haneul's face fell, and she bit her nails in realization.
"What if it's my fault?" Mara wept, but an appalled Jungkook refused to let her take the blame. He kneeled next to her, warning her to never say that again and wiping her tears away with his thumbs.
"It's not your fault," Jungkook sniffled, "I don't know what happened to him, he just..." Jungkook sighed in desperation.
"Was he bitten?" Mara whispered, but when the boy shook his head vehemently, Mara nodded in what little sliver of relief she could possibly hold on to. She leaned to rest on Brownie again, noticing that its snorts and whines were growing faint. Mara gave him small kisses, comforting him as he was slowly but surely embraced by the darkness. It was quite difficult to accept that from the start he would not be making it out. There were some things optimism could not solve.
"I love you," Mara whispered, embracing Brownie.
"She knows he's not making it out," Namjoon whispered to Jin, "Should we put it out of its misery?"
Conflicted, Jin pursed his lips. He stared at Mara and her horse, the animal at the throes of death. The threshold would be crossed soon, and causing more trauma in the young woman was not an option.
"Why make it more painful for her? He's not gonna last another five minutes," Jin whispered, "Let her say goodbye."
Namjoon dragged a hand down his face in exasperation. Not only was Mara losing her companion, but the camp was losing valuable livestock. Namjoon did not say this, however, as he was well aware of the tension and Mara's proliferating grief at that moment. An objective truth was not quite adequate at the moment.
A silence blanketed over the calm day; it was almost too peaceful. Brownie was no longer thrashing around or making sounds. I'm fact, he'd stopped moving all together. His stomach ceased to rise and fall in tune with its breathing, and the slow beating of its heart could not be heard, no matter how hard Mara pressed herself against him. Mara continued to pet him, stroking his sides just like he loved. The girl silently cried, her blank stare and the unfortunate loss the subject of pity from those that surrounded her.
An animal so beloved had passed knowing it was loved. Never alone, in the arms of a woman who cared for the quality of its life. She sought to make it a worthy life—a happy life—and she did.
"I'm so sorry we couldn't do anything," Jin lamented, whispering his condolences to her ear. Jin offered comfort to Jungkook, who appeared just as affected as Mara. Jungkook had turned his back to everyone except Mara, refusing to let anyone see him cry. He pulled the girl into his arms once more, wishing to be embraced by someone he loved and who could feel his pain. Mara clung to Jungkook as if her life depended on it. Maybe in that instance it did.
"He was okay this morning," Mara whined in disbelief, "What went wrong?"
"Life happens Mara," he sniffled, "We can only bear witness."
"It's my fault," Mara lamented, Jungkook's hold tightening.
"Don't say that," he whispered, "You took care of him better than anyone else. You know that," he reassured, his own voice cracking. Their passed grievances were momentarily forgotten as the two were struck by grief. Mara stared into space with memories of her and her beloved horse, whom she had entrusted with more than she ever had anyone else.
Death, regardless of who or what it took, would always be a mournful stage of life. Grief came in all shapes and sizes, most certainly guaranteed in ones lifetime.
"You don't get rid of sadness, you just make room for it."
"Do you want to stay out here for a bit?" Jungkook asked after several minutes had passed. The silence accompanied by the gentle sway of the branches was oddly comforting in such trying times. The girl nodded, but didn't let go of Jungkook.
"Stay with me," she beckoned, pleading eyes staring up at Jungkook. He brushed strands of her hair behind her ear and kissed her tear stained cheeks one after the other.
"Of course," he whispered.
"I-I hope they're okay," Haneul whispered, sitting anxiously on Mara's bed. Sam sat beside her, rubbing her shoulder and offering a comforting peck on her forehead. She was shaking, hugging herself with her leg jumping incessantly.
"Me too," Sam sighed, running a hand through his hair, "I can't imagine how they're feeling. You could tell Mara really loved that animal."
Haneul seemed troubled, her flitting gaze prompting a frown from Sam.
"Are you okay?" Sam asked, "I know it must've been quite upsetting to see that unfold, especially from how close you were to it."
"Maybe you guys weren't being vigilant enough. Maybe you were pushing him too hard and he just-"
"Haneul," Sam interrupted, "They're used to hard work. I doubt we overexerted the horse too much. They're incredibly strong animals and capable of strenuous jobs. We gave them breaks," Sam shook his head, "And plenty of food and water."
"Jungkook was devastated," Haneul whispered, covering her mouth with her tremulous hands. She leaned onto Sam, lips twitching downward.
"You and that boy," Sam sharply muttered, "You two need to separate. You're acting like a high school girl who's never seen a man before," he chided. This was received by an unresponsive Haneul that seemed to have not heard a word. Sam scoffed, disapproval in his narrowed gaze.
"I feel so terrible," Haneul sharply inhaled, blinking away the haze, "I wish I could've done something more."
Sam sighed, "That was nature taking one of its own. Nothing much can be done about it. Just the way life is."
"Right..." Haneul bit her lip, forcing a chuckle, "I wish we could gift them another one."
"That's not a luxury we can afford," Sam shrugged, "I wish we could do something to make things better too."
"I know..." Haneul pursed her lips, "Sometimes you just feel guilty even though it was something completely out of your control, ya know?"
Sam stared at Haneul's disconcerted expression, nodding slowly, "It was most likely an undetectable illness the horse had, and regardless of what we did, that would've inevitably happen," Sam tried to reason, sighing at Haneul's zoned out stare.
"Yeah," she whispered, "Inevitable."
"Mara, please just...stop."
The request fell into deaf ears, a grief-stricken Mara stabbing the shovel back into the ground, kicking the blade deeper into the soil before pulling up and throwing the dirt behind her. She continued to stab the shovel into the dirt countless times, the hole in the ground becoming progressively bigger. Jungkook witnessed Mara's stubborn, careless behavior with a desperate frown, his eyes digging holes into the side of Mara's face. The girl did not spare him a glance, adamantly digging the hole she decided Brownie would go into.
This sudden belligerent act had been triggered by Namjoon, whom despite the still grieving Mara, had quite insensitively suggested to burn Brownie's carcass. This was met by a warning glare from Jin, received by a guilty sigh from Namjoon. Jungkook's stare burned holes into the side of Namjoon's face, and he too spared him a tasteful choice of words.
"Are you fucking kidding me? Are you in a rush or something? Fucking asshole-"
"Jungkook! Watch it," Jin snapped, "I understand you're upset and it's too soon to be talking about that, but have some respect."
Jungkook bit his tongue, remaining silent after Jin's scolding. Namjoon looked apologetic, but said nothing as well.
Mara however, abruptly stood from Jungkook's embrace, heavy and fast steps taking her to the backyard. The three remaining men—Jin, Namjoon, and Jungkook—were perplexed at her sudden rise, concern apparent when the girl returned with a shovel in hand. She brushed stoically passed Jin and Jungkook, neglectful to their gentle, beckoning calls. The girl looked a wreck despite her blank stare. The tear stained cheeks glinted in the sun, and her red, puffy eyes blinked and stared up ahead with determination.
They'd burn Brownie, but only over her dead body.
"Lets go back inside so you can lay down for a bit. We'll dig this up later," Jungkook plead, "Just...please don't let this have a hold on you."
Mara dug aggressively again and again until a considerable hole had been made in the ground. Jungkook stood next to her for thirty minutes, attempting to talk her out of the self-punishing acts. Mara refused to listen, her lip curled in ardent hatred for Namjoon's suggestion. It was strange, thinking back to that moment. Mara doesn't remember when she started digging, or when and where she had gotten the shovel from. Her only intentions were to dig a grave big enough for Brownie to fit in.
Jungkook's voice was a muddled mess of pleads and apologies, which had completely gone over her head. The thought of burning Brownie, of the sound of his skin crackling and his charred flesh crumbling brought her to tears again. She was in distress, her mind resurfacing trauma she had once believed she had conquered.
Finally, Jungkook had had enough, snatching the shovel from her tight grasp and chucking it into the walls of the camp. It clanged loudly as it slammed against the logs, falling with a thump to the ground below. Mara felt her hands sting, both from having something forcefully taken from her and from the ache of several unhinged minutes of non-stop digging.
"You're driving yourself crazy here!" Jungkook cried out, taking Mara by the shoulders and forcing her to look at him. She refused, her eyes staring right through him.
"I get that you loved him, but he's gone," Jungkook sighed, "And we'll dig him a grave for you but just don't..." he hesitated, "Don't be so stubborn."
Mara's lips quivered, and she finally let out a sob.
"I can't burn him," Mara cried, "I can't let everything I love burn," she sobbed, her words incoherent to a dumbfounded Jungkook. He sighed in distress and held her face in his hands. In her eyes there was misery. She was falling apart at the seams after an onslaught of tragedy after tragedy.
"Why?" Jungkook asked, attempting to comfort the anguished girl.
"They asked me to bury them next to each other when they died," Mara sniffled, "Mom and dad."
Jungkook gulped, unsure of where her train of though was headed.
"But...But when I found them, they had been burned," Mara sobbed, "And I ran away. I ran so far away and I didn't want to believe that they were really gone," she confessed, shaking her head in incredulity.
"I let them down," She cried,
"And I let them burn,
I let them burn."
Jungkook paled, sinking down to the ground with Mara in his arms while she cried. He sighed, relinquished as he stared at the hole she'd dug out.
—
A/N: *gasp*
-wethenaive