Wheein's school has its 20th anniversary tomorrow.
There'll be a whole festival and she's inclined to bring her own meals to impress everyone. I thought it was just an attempt to add yet another thing to brag about in her already perfect persona for the staff in school to see.
Other than that, she thought it would be nice to have a genuine 'youngster', which is herself, as a meal provider because as she says, "The oldies are aiming for vegetables but the kids don't want that-" then she points at herself, "-I'll fix that with something more kid-friendly." She's the youngest among her colleagues.
If I were a kid, I would certainly be overjoyed to munch on a variety of food rather than sticking to one; vegetables that adults prefer that is. Hearing how she's been gushing about her energetic preschoolers, I'm sure they would too.
I always help her when she needs one and she does the same. As soon as I walk into her house, she starts following me around the kitchen like a loyal pet for guidance because I've always been a better cook than her. Probably better than all my friends -- which are her words, not mine, and I don't mind the compliment.
One thing that I'm most proud of about myself is that I'm a pretty good cook. When I cook, it always feels natural and it calms me down. It helps that people like them too. That's why I would like to have my own running restaurant with foods that I create.
I bring Hong-Nan, my sister, with me because she's just as good. I knew Wheein will not be able to do a lot so I called for backup.
I'm on the kitchen counter finishing the Japchae, while Hong Nan works on the Omurice when Wheein speaks from the sofa.
"Will all this be too much? I think I might've overstepped coming up with these dishes," She stares at the list on her tiny notepad, "Ganjajeon, Wanja Jeon, Hobakjeon, Gungjung Tteokbokk-- won't this give them diarrhea or something?"
"They won't. Well, considering we're putting the right ingredients, we'll be totally safe," I reply.
Wheein gives me a look, clicking her tongue, "No funny business, I'm putting all my trust in you. One kid cries the moment they eat my dish, the principal's already digging my grave at the nearest cemetery."
"Relax. With this girl as a chef, what could possibly go wrong?" Hong Nan talks, coming up next to me with the last finished Omurice, "You should be worried that the servings might not be enough. They'll be taking seconds every minute, you might not even get your own."
Hong Nan pats my back energetically and I scrunch my nose at her.
She's like this because I cooked all the meals her friends wanted during her 16th birthday party. They did want seconds, a lot, and I was experiencing hell in the kitchen. She knows she owes me a lot when it comes to cooking. It's right for her to compliment.
Wheein nods, giving me an approving smile as the one parents give you when they're proud. "Not gonna lie, she does make killer cooks." She straightens up her form suddenly. "Which reminds me-- you definitely and I mean totally should register in the big cooking competition they're doing in this town next month."
Hong Nan and I look at each other, unaware of this news before turning to Wheein again.
"A cooking competition here?" I ask.
"Uh yes. People talk about it a lot in my school. I thought you'd actually know about this first considering how much money is at stake for the winner."
"Pfft, how would I know? It's not like I'd immediately know about every opportunity that involves money," I say smirking but then it falters as both of them give me a long silent look. "Okay fine, maybe I would but I don't know about this one."
Wheein scrolls through her phone before she walks over to me and flips her phone around. There's a poster about a cooking competition that will be hosted by a famous local chef on the 20th of July. It's supposed to be an event to promote Jeollak-Buk Do's as a tourist place in Jeonju.
"Look at the prize for the winner though," Wheein points to the lower part of the poster to which I follow it, and then every part of me felt as if they were paralyzed for a hot second.
₩13,000,000.00?! For something local?!
My thoughts gravitate toward the restaurant. With this and the money in my bank account combined, it's more than enough. It's so much more than enough.
"You're staring awfully long and your jaw is dropping too low," Hong Nan
snaps me out of my trance.
I cough as I back my face away as I nearly plant it on the phone's screen to compose myself.
"...That's a lot of numbers," I mutter.
"I know. You wouldn't want to miss something like this. You'd definitely give it a try right?" Hong Nan ushers.
Wheein nudges my shoulder, "You know...I can get the application form for you. A few of the teachers in my school are participating. There were some leftover forms."
Wheein takes hold of my hand and then squeezes it. She's comforting and urging at the same time. Her eyes are wide open, sending direct messages with it.
She and I know that this is a big opportunity for me.
"But--" I trail off and I hear Hong Nan groaning subtly beside me. "I'm going to be facing the public though."
"So? What's wrong with that?" Hong-Nan answers. She shrugs nonchalantly, "People watch competitions all the time. It's normal to watch people compete."
"It'll be okay. Just imagine that everyone's naked except you. It works for me," Wheein helps.
I give them a straight smile and the thought of going public hovers in my head. Everyone from Jeolla-Buk Do will be there to witness this open cooking competition. Which means all the people from my school will come too, and witness me.
I feel shivers all over me and I let myself stare at Wheein's phone for a long time. My thoughts begin to make their own scenarios. They're ranging in good and terrible and I'm trying my best to convince myself that I'm going to handle it well. I'm good at cooking and I know my way around ingredients-- I can definitely do it.
As much as my heart believes that thought, I can't bring myself to feel the same. God. With that much prize on the line, of course there'll be a lot more experienced people joining. Professionals even.
With that, I pan my gaze down towards the food in front of me and with a heavy heart, heave a sigh.
"Oh for fuck sake."
That surprises me. Wheein and I look at my sister questioningly.
Hong Nan lets out a humorless chuckle. Her brows are knitted tight and her hands are tucked into a fist on the kitchen counter while her knife now rested on the side.
"You're just so fucking annoying sometimes, Hyejin."
"Hong-Nan," I call firmly.
Feeling my glare, she turns to look at me and my expression falters.
Her doe eyes are rested, glowering right at me. The urge to patronize her drops immediately because she's already making it clear that she's the one supposed to be mad with that glare alone.
"You just can't shut all that insecurity off and be open already, can you? It's been 11 years, Hyejin. 11 years and you're still like this."
Hong-Nan takes her bag and stomps out of the house without another word. It was so sudden.
I stand in silence and avoid the stare Wheein's giving.
After a long stare, she talks "You know, I can probably do the rest from here. You've done too much already, let me take over."
She's signaling me to go and talk to Hong-Nan. I should and was going to anyway but now that she gave me the green light, I nod with a tight smile.
I say my goodbye and head for the door.
"I hope I see you at the reunion tomorrow!" Wheein shouts just as the door closes behind me.
»»----- ･✾･ -----««
Trying to mend things is a lot harder than I initially thought.
I'm downstairs at my house, watching the TV; or rather just blankly staring at it while being suffocated with guilt. White noises help my troubled thoughts.
My plan was to come in and go straight to her room and then settle everything nice and easy. But as soon as I stand infront of her room's door, I didn't know what to do, I just stood there frozen.
It's weird. Me and my sister argue a lot but we let time settle our trouble away. One week after an argument we'd normally be over it and then we're okay again. Being all soft-spoken and settled things the adult way like being face to face feels weird to me, and Hong-Nan probably thinks like that too.
But this case feels like it should be done the latter way; the adult way.
I'm biting my nail when I hear a tsk from the side and I look to see my mom with a laundry basket in her arms.
"Stop that," she warns with widened eyes.
I put my hand down instantly, remembering that I promised to stop the habit.
"Sorry, I'm just thinking about something. It makes me anxious."
"Does it have to do with a certain someone upstairs?" She asks, puckering her lips to gesture upstairs.
I shrug. She raises a brow and to that, I sigh with a nod finally.
"Settle it, now." She says.
"What am I supposed to do?" I ask.
"Just talk. Communicate. Ask what's wrong and if you're in the wrong ask what did you do to upset her and promise to try better," Mom smiles and disappears into the laundry room before I had any time to ask for something else.
I linger on the sofa a little while longer, and when I finally flattened all my ego, I jog upstairs to finally talk with her.
I'm in front of the door again. I don't know what I was expecting to hear, but I lean my ear closer to the door to hear what's happening inside.
One thing is for sure, I didn't expect to hear her laughing and giggling like a psychopath.
She sounds like she's having fun, not moping around.
I open the door confidently and lean my body on the doorframe as I witness Hong-Nan looking at photos of muscular men on her phone. She's on the bed with her back facing me, tucked under her thick blanket. It's actually maddening that she didn't hear the door opening and me calling her for the first time.
"You're having so much fun are you, pervert?" I say loudly and Hong-Nan springs up from her bed as if she was electrified.
She puts a palm on her chest while she stares at me in shock.
"My god, you scared me! Why didn't you knock on the door?"
"It's revenge for just barging mine open just to see your favourite men going for a jog."
I gesture my chin at her phone, "What a stud," I say and she covers her phone with her other hand. "Let me guess -- Jungkook again?"
"No." She says in a not-so-convincing way, drawling the vowel. "Go away, what do you want?"
I tsk at her. I approach her slowly and she scooches to the side when I sit on the bed.
"I'm here...to talk about what happened this morning" I start. "So, what happened?"
Hong-Nan sighs subtly and then looks down. She shifts uncomfortably on the bed, "It's fine. It was nothing, we don't have to talk about it. I was just...I was in a bad mood."
"No no, it's okay. I want to talk about it too. You seemed pretty mad at me. I wanna know... what's bothering you...and what I can do to help."
There was a pause for a moment, I contemplated what other possible things I could say here. Then I knew I was missing the key part. That one phrase.
"... and... and I apologize for doing it."
Hong-Nan grimaces with the way I'm approaching this. To be honest, I am too internally fighting the urge to just fold over those heartfelt sentences. We're clearly not used to this.
"You don't even know what you're apologizing for."
"Yeah well, I'm struggling so help me here," I blurted out of frustration. "So like... what's the deal?" I ask, nudging her with my elbow.
"I don't know if I should talk about it," Hong-Nan says, massaging her neck.
"Please, just let everything out. I need to hear it."
I watch her lips press and relax for a few times, like she wants to let the words out but is afraid that they would overflow. At last, her mouth began to slowly open.
She shrugs, looking down again flipping her phone around, "I guess I got frustrated. You do it all the time and I witness it everyday. It gets hard each time I witness it. I guess those pent up emotions decided to just burst out today."
I know what she's talking about. I just needed comfirmation and now I'm sure of it. She's tired of the way I'm always in denial.
"In case you don't know what I'm talking about, it's about you and your anxiety. You said you're trying your best, but all I see is you going back to square one the day after you said stuff like that. It gets tiring to lean on an impossible hope."
"Impossible? Ouch." I snicker, "I'll let you know...I'm making good progress getting myself out there you don't even know!"
"There you go again," Hong-Nan groans with her head tilted up wearily.
"What?"
She turns to me, "You're putting everything into words! You have to realize that the things you are saying are promises too. You can't just say that and expect me to nod my head, swing my hand and go Oh definitely!" Hong-Nan shrugs, "So what progress are we talking about, Hyejin? Because so far, I've been seeing nothing."
I'm taken aback. Even though I knew it was coming, my ego still hurts bad. I sit there like a statue, her words hitting me like bricks because no matter how much I want to deny it -- they're true.
Hong-Nan presses both her palms to her face groaning, "Ugh I'm sorry, that was too far. This is getting super awkward and the fact that I just say that loudly makes it worse."
I feel her words to be truer and more as I digest them all deeply. Has she been seeing me like this all this time? Like a miserable stray dog trying their best to stay alive in the streets? Of course she has. I know she's been seeing me as just that. But still...it hurts when your fears have been proven to be real.
It hurts.
I snap myself out from a trance and clear my throat to relieve the loud silence in the room.
"What do you think I should do then?"
Hong-Nan releases her palms from her face and slowly turns to me. I look at her with a smile despite feeling terrible at the moment.
"Progress. Get out of your comfort zone."
"And how do I do that? What's the first step?"
She stares at me.
"Go to the school reunion tomorrow."
I gasp, internally.
I want to spring out from the bed and scream NO! and just dramatically exit the room after hearing that. If it weren't for my pride and Hong-Nan's view of me which I just realize is important to me, I would have done it in a heartbeat.
"Sure," I say, "Okay then," I say instead, masking my distaste of the idea with a calm expression.
Hong-Nan looks at me with wide eyes her head backing up a little as if doubting that.
"Really? Wow, that was easier than I thought."
"I told you, I've been making progress," I lie.
"Well then -- good. I-I like that."
"You do?"
"Actually I'm mostly excited that you're able to get Jungkook's autograph now."
I scoff and punch her on the arm and she yelps, "You're just doing this for that thing aren't you?"
Hong-Nan dodges my punches left and right and she easily zig-zagged around them to be closer to me and then at last embrace me.
"I'm happy for you of course. So happy. This is nice progress."
"Now you're just being sappy," I wrap my arms around her back, "But thanks."
I let the moment go on for a few seconds longer. Apart of me is worrying about the idea that I have just accepted but mostly, at least at this moment, I feel relieved that this conversation has gone a lot better and less more complicated than I had expected. It's great.
"Hey!" Hong Nan detaches herself from me, "I'm feeling like rewatching old Disney movies. What do you think about staying up late today?"
I blink at her sudden proposal, "What, Princess and the Frog again?" I say mentioning both our favourite Disney movie.
"No. You know that's only for special occasion. I'm thinking...Hunchback Of The Notre Dame?"
"I'll cook dinner then." I wink at Hong-Nan and she starts squealing in delight. She's back to her jovial self.
We're big fans of Disney works, especially the older styles. Rewatching them soothes our mind. It's fun fantasizing about such marvellous storyline in your head, it makes you forget a thing or two about your problems. Not only that, Disney movies tend to give advices that I didn't know I needed. It's true, somehow every advices given by the characters has something to do with my own troubles. They help a lot. I tend to tweak them a little to fit in with mine just to feel that I'm totally okay because to come up with advice like that, I know that there are others that are going through the same thing.
They're therapeutic. Even diving into the movies with different kinds of problems helps you a lot, because the advice would always turn into a whole different meaning and could still patch the holes we have.
Hong-Nan clearly wants to clear her mind. That's why she's suggesting this. I needed it too, so why not.
I need to prepare my mind for tomorrow anyway.
🤍🤍🤍