I SAT ON THE BEACH DURING THE SUNRISE.
A moment of solitude with crashing waves, brisk wind kissing the tip of my nose, and unordered thoughts. I wanted to put my thoughts in a time capsule and let it float in the ocean until I was ready to organize them.
I pressed my hand against my heart and closed my eyes. Lub-dub-lub-dub. I thought of what I told Tuesday earlier. It was like opening a new door into my own past—all my childhood memories in a different light.
All the times he put me in trouble because of boys I'd had a crush on, he helped me when I was stuck with a concept in math, and he saved my ass whenever I needed it. I always thought he was jealous of me for being both a nerd and having a love life. That he tutored me because Aunt Annie forced him to. Could it really be that he actually liked me? Even back then?
I snorted a laugh, shaking my head. From this perspective, I'd been an asshole to him throughout our time together. This made me his childhood nightmare.
I never saw him in that light when we were kids. In high school, he was...Cameron. A constant pain in my ass. It never crossed my mind that either of us would like the other. We were too busy fighting each other.
But—he knew my dream college, and he picked it. I always thought it was his revenge, stealing my dream. What if he wanted to share it with me? And I gave up my dream of running away from him. Shit.
I—I needed to hear these from him. If it was true. If his feelings weren't as new as mine, and if he waited out at the churchyard because he didn't want to witness my ceremony.
Suddenly filled with the urge to talk to him, without any anger or prejudice this time, I got up and ran toward the tavern. Climbing the stairs at full speed, I halted in front of our room, collecting my breath.
It was four in the morning, so Cam was probably asleep. Which meant I had to wait for him to wake up for hours.
I inserted the key into the hole but couldn't twist it. The anticipation of waiting for Cam to wake triggered my anxiety, causing me to doubt the situation altogether. Maybe I should've gone back to Tuesday's house and faced him another time.
I pulled the key and shoved it in my pocket, still standing outside the door. Yes, I should come another time—or wait for him to come to me.
As I was about to flee the scene, the door opened, and a very awake Cam emerged. "Amber."
His voice was as hoarse as a whisper, and I wouldn't have heard it clearly if it wasn't so silent. Surprise colored his eyes as his lips parted slightly. I looked at him, the shame of being caught and the relief of seeing him, a strange mix in my heart.
"You're here," he added as if he was trying to ensure that I was real. "You came."
"I did."
I flinched when Cam stepped forward and wrapped his arms around my waist. "Can I hold you like this," he asked, his voice velvety. "just for one sec?"
I could hear the rest of that sentence even though he didn't complete it: while it lasts before we have to talk this through. So, I let him—snaking my arms around his neck, resting my chin on his shoulder, and shutting my eyes. This gave him the confidence boost he needed, so he hugged me tighter, burying his face into my neck.
One second seized into infinity, yet still ended like a bounded set.
When Cam pulled back, he left an uncomfortable chill down my neck in his wake. Eyes opened, lips pressed together. I grabbed my forearm with my other hand to fill the gap, taking breaths to suppress my anxiety. I only noticed we were inside when he closed the door behind me.
I looked into his eyes, surveying him, and parted my lips, but he spoke first: "Don't say anything." He raised his arms. "I—I should do the talking this time. Just listen to me."
Thank God. I nodded. I wasn't in any state to do any coherent talking. Listening, I could manage—people said I was a good listener.
I followed him when he sat on the bed's edge. Held my breath as he wetted his lips, looking down at his lap. The moment was stressful, like waiting for an exam result to be announced. At the same time, there was an underlying fatigue behind my adrenaline-fueled body.
"I meant what I said in the text message," he said. "I know I'm not good at words—you know I never was—and I fucked up earlier by saying nothing." He looked into my eyes. "But it's not easy to stand before the person you've loved all your life and confess your feelings in simple words."
My pupils grew large, enormous, and I felt the motion in my eyes. He'd spilled it out without warning for someone who said he couldn't confess his feelings. My cheeks started to burn, and my throat dried like a desert. I stifled a cough because I didn't want to interrupt him.
Inside my head, there was a court trying to adjudicate.
Pausing, Cam frowned, then laughed softly. "I just said it out loud, didn't I?"
I bit my lip and nodded. It was his ability to lighten the most dramatic situations.
He released a breath like he'd just thrown off a huge weight. "I was actually going to explain why I pulled back from your kiss first. I made a plan in my head, but I'm worse at thinking when you're around. In fact,"—he held my hand—"I decided to stop overthinking when it comes to you. I'll just follow my heart from now on."
I let out a chuckle, squeezing his hand. My eyes watered, still trying to process his confession. This was the first time a guy confessed his love to me first. Ever, my inner voice cut me off, it's the first love confession you've ever gotten.
I guess it hurt more that it was true. Although I'd been on the verge of marrying someone, I'd never truly fallen in love. And it was two-sided. Nobody had ever loved me that much—the heart-skipping-a-beat kind of love. I raised my gaze and looked at Cam.
Or you've been so blind to see what's been in front of you all your life.
Love wasn't a dreamy concept in my life. It was a stigma, a burden, something only great in fiction. The examples in my life ended in failures, obsessions, and heartbreaks. Knowingly or unknowingly, I'd spent my whole life trying to deny its existence even though I tried so hard to belong with someone. I never warmed up to the idea of love. Peace and steadiness allured me more or gave me a sense of security.
It was always less risky to be loveless than to be heartbroken.
"I didn't know why you kissed me, and I was afraid it was impulsive or meant nothing to you."
Cam felt the need to explain himself while I kept my silence. If he knew the storm of thoughts inside me, he'd thought differently. I wasn't looking for his explanation. I was digesting his confession. I wondered how something so simple, so direct could leave such a huge, life-changing impact.
I could understand why he said it wasn't easy to talk when it came down to your feelings. I wasn't good at feelings, either—I was cozy with numbers, facts, science. Not with sentimental things like love or poetry. Even now, I didn't know how to respond to his confession though my heart was about to burst out of its cage.
"It wasn't impulsive," I answered, wetting my lips. Then, I shook my head, looking at him. "I never act on impulse, Cam. Especially when it comes to this." I showed between us with my hand. "I kissed you because I wanted to kiss you—and it took a battle in my mind and courage because you're important to me, Cam." I looked at him with a thin smile. "You're so important to me that I had to think over and over again if I would be ruining what we had for the sake of a kiss."
He intertwined our fingers.
"That's why I was so devastated when you pulled back. I thought I ruined everything."
Tears glinted in his eyes while a smile formed on his lips. Then, he pushed a strand of hair behind my ear and brushed his knuckles against my right cheek. "I handled it in the worst way possible. I was too busy thinking about what happened, and I couldn't consider the damage it could've done for you."
Listening to this man talking about his feelings so openly was mesmerizing. The frown on his lips when he explained himself, his fingertips traveling on my jawline absentmindedly, his eyes shining with a light that set fireworks in my heart.
"I can never walk away from you, Amberoni. You know that." He gave me a smile that sealed his promise. "I'm here as long as you want me to be."
I lunged forward and pulled him into a tight hug. "Don't you dare leave me," I muttered into his neck. "And no more stupid misunderstandings."
He chuckled. "No more stupid misunderstandings."
When we retreated and looked at each other, there was a goofy smile on our faces, and I could feel my heart pounding so fast, like it was about to stop. Maybe this was what they called a beat skip. Maybe I finally, finally found the love that everyone was looking for.
"When I took you to the boat that day," Cam said, our hands joined on my lap. "I was planning to ask you something, but you kissed me, and you know the rest."
I frowned. "What were you going to ask?"
"Go on a date with me."
I bit my lip before I said, "I'll have to think about it."
He brushed his leg against mine. "Don't keep me waiting."
"Did you really wait for me?" I asked, thinking about what he had said earlier. "All these years."
He released my hand and lay down on the bed, staring at the ceiling. "Not actively. Like when you went to New York for college and didn't come to visit during the summers, I lost hope. But when you love someone, it doesn't fade that easily—especially if you've loved them for so long. I guess I didn't have hope that we'd ever be a thing, but I couldn't help but compare everyone to you."
I remembered his words on the beach, which made perfect sense now. "You were too committed to something to start a new thing."
He nodded with a smile. "You should know nobody compares to you. It wasn't a fair battle."
I laughed and lay on my side with my head propped on my hand. "What about waiting outside the church?"
Cam rolled his eyes. "You're smart enough to figure it out."
I poked his chest. "I want you to say it."
He held my hand and looked down. "It was the end of an era for me. You were going to marry, and I would end this nonsense, helpless waiting—start new. Still, I waited outside because I couldn't bear to see you with someone else, saying yes, kissing, whatever." He shook his head in dismissal like he wanted to erase the image. "Then, you knocked on my car in a wedding dress, asking me to take you away from that place. You could tell it was the opposite of what I imagined."
"It was the opposite of what I imagined, too."
"You were not so happy to see your old friend—what was it, childhood nemesis?—while I thought it must've been fate."
"Please," I huffed. "You hated me during our road trip."
"Just because I love you doesn't mean you don't annoy the hell out of me sometimes."
I love you. He said it again—fluently, naturally. Unaware of its effect.
I took his face between my hands and put a peck on his lips. "Take me on that date."
I just wanna stay in that lavender haze. 💜
I outlined the whole story, so I know what will happen when but sometimes I don't know how it will happen. I like leaving blanks in my outline, so I can mumble words and hope for the best. It was one of those chapters that I just went with the vibes, and I think it is my favorite chapter so far.
If this chapter had songs, they would be I GUESS I'M IN LOVE by Clinton Kane and The Way I Loved You by Taylor Swift.
I love how Lavender Haze music video premiere coincided with Land's End update because it's a Camberoni song for me. I loved the music video, and Taylor is so freaking gorgeous. 😍
Thank you so much for your passion and interest in this story! We almost hit 15K, and it happened so fast for me...all thanks to you. I love you all! 💓
See you next Friday,
Sev xx
CHAPTER TWENTY THREE SNEAK PEEK:
I huffed, settling next to her on the bed. "We...made up last night."
"Made up or made out?"
"Really, Tues?"
"Just making sure you didn't mix it up."