★ LORELAI ★
August 4th
1997
"And you're one-hundred percent sure that this is what you want?"
"Yes, Faye. For the hundredth time, yes." I groan, throwing all my clothes into my suitcase. "I told you, Harry and I talked about it and we agreed this would be for the best."
"I know," She sighs loudly. "I'll just miss you."
"Everyone keeps saying that," I laugh dryly. "I'm only gonna be home for like a week! I bet I'll be bored and come back prematurely."
"Well don't do that,"
"I don't want you to miss me too bad," I joke, my smile dropping when I notice the serious expression on her face.
"Lori, you're going home so that you learn to take care of yourself. Heal from all the shit Harry has put you through these past couple of weeks. Don't rush your healing, or else you will come back and be just as unhappy." She keeps eye contact with me as she speaks, her words hitting me like a bus. "Plus, I'm gonna need time to whip Harry into shape," She laughs.
"But what if I miss you guys too much?" My heart already hurts at the idea of not seeing my friends for however long I'll be gone.
"Then you can call me, whenever you need, I'll pick up." She smiles warmly.
"And what if I never heal, or Harry doesn't change?" Our conversation has quickly become serious.
"You will," She assures me like she knows something I don't. "And you said it yourself, you saw your Harry still in there the other night. You both just need time apart for a bit."
"I really hope he gets better fast," I sigh. "I love him too much to let him slip away." The words have become easier to say aloud, but I'm still too scared to tell anyone but Faye.
"And if my suspicions are correct, and he loves you just as much, he'll do anything to make you stay." Her words bring a smile to my face, even during this somber talk.
"Well," I sigh loudly. "That's everything." I stare at my overstuffed suitcase, amazed at how many things I've collected in such a short time.
"What time is your bus?" Faye asks, knowing I have to take a bus to the train station.
I've decided to take a train back to San Francisco. Yes, it'll be a longer journey, but flights were far too expensive. Plus, the long train ride will give me more time to think.
"It's at noon," I breathe the words, checking my watch for the time.
"Well then we better get you to the bus stop." Faye jumps down from Zayns bunk, landing on the unstable floor below.
I grab the handle of my suitcase and wheel it behind myself as I walk to the door of the bus. My feet stay close behind Faye's as she throws open the rickety door. She helps me lift my suitcase down the three steps, the wheels hitting the concrete below.
We conveniently parked the tour bus a block away from where the bus will be picking me up. The whole band stands at the exit of the tour bus, watching me exit with sad smiles on their faces. There's a large imaginary gray cloud looming over all of their heads, only making this harder for me.
There's an awkward silence as my eyes drift to every person waiting for me. Niall has a closed lip smile on his face, his eyes void of emotion. Harlow stands next to Micth, her eyes glossy. Whereas Mitch lets the tears flow freely, cradling Sarah in his arms for comfort. Zayn pulls Faye into a side hug, putting on a brave face and comforting her in this moment. If you were to see us right now, you'd probably think I am dying.
Harry stands-
"Where's Harry?" My heart drops to the floor, getting flashbacks to yesterday.
No one else seems surprised by his absence, which only eases my mind a tad.
"He said he had to run a quick errand, and said he would be back before you got on the bus. He left like thirty minutes ago, so he should be back soon." Niall explains the situation for me, but my heart rate doesn't slow.
"Well the bus gets here in," I check my watch. "Five minutes."
"He'll be here," Faye assures me, but once again it doesn't help.
"We should walk to the bus stop, he'll find us there." Zayn speaks for the group.
"Okay," I sigh, my mind full of worry.
I grab onto the handle of my suitcase, following behind the group as we all walk in the direction of the bus stop. Niall slows his steps to walk beside me, occasionally bumping shoulders with me. I wouldn't consider us close at all, but I can always depend on him to boost my spirits when it calls. He doesn't have to say anything at all, just use his cheesy grin and small gestures to show that he's here. If we got more chances to talk, I think we'd be great friends.
The walk to the bus stop is short, and it doesn't help to ease my nerves. Without Harry being here, it makes me not want to get on at all.
My heart breaks with every second he doesn't turn up, and I fear everyone can read it on my face. My eyes darted all over the streets, scanning everyone's face just in case they were him.
But they weren't.
And the bus is slowly approaching, I can see it in the distance.
The other passengers of the bus slowly stand as the bus comes to a rolling stop along the curb. I hear the squeaky doors open behind me, and the rustling of everyone making their way onto the bus.
My heart begins to beat in my ears, a large lump growing in my throat.
Of all times that Harry would have not shown up, of course it's today. Of course it's the day I am getting on a bus and leaving for who knows how long. I thought I had seen a change in him, a glimmer of hope. But I guess I saw wrong.
My heart shatters beneath me, and this time I'm not sure if either of us can repair it. He's not here, and-
"Miss! Are you getting on the bus or not?" My thoughts are interrupted by the rude bus driver calling out for me.
I whip my body around to face him, his face looking very displeased at my lack of movement.
"Yes! I am! I'm just waiting for someone! Give me two minutes!" I plead with the man, hearing him sigh loudly.
"Two minutes! If you aren't on the bus by then, we're leaving without you!"
"Dude, seriously-" Zayn goes to defend me but I cut him off.
"Okay!" I comply, knowing deep down that if Harry shows up or not that I am getting on that bus.
But if he shows up or not will change everything about my trip home.
"He's gotta be on his way, he's probably freaking out and sprinting." Niall tries to assure me, but at this point I've lost all hope.
"Yeah, I can feel it. He's on his way." Harlow adds, a reassuring smile on her face.
My foot nervously taps against the concrete, my eyes getting tired from scanning the sidewalks.
Nothing.
He's nowhere to be found.
And he's not here.
"Two minutes is up! Are you getting on or not?" The bus driver calls out to me.
"I'm getting on," I sigh, speaking loud enough for him to hear me but facing my friends.
I can sense the tension looming over all of us. The growing anger and spite at Harry that builds within all of us. I send a sad smile to the group, the kind that doesn't dare to reach my eyes. I grab onto my suitcase and turn around slowly, hearing everyone sigh and mumble their thoughts about Harry's absence.
Niall walks up and helps me lift my luggage onto the bus, his eyes holding an emotion I can't depict. I walk up the short steps, looking back down on all of my friends before walking down the aisle of seats. I take my seat, the fabric being torn up and uncomfortable. My head slowly drifts to the window, looking down on all my friends, but all of their heads are turned down the street.
I look to where their eyes are pointed, my heart breaking even more when I spot it through my blurry vision.
Harry comes sprinting down the street, looking disheveled and out of breath. He quickly notices everyone standing at the bus stop, yelling something to them that I can't hear. And then, in his hands, I spot a large bouquet of flowers. My heart breaks impossibly more.
I hear the muffled voices of everyone berating him before his eyes snap up to my window. Our eyes connect quickly, and I have to blink away the tears to see him clearly. I think he can spot the hurt in my face, because his features quickly contort to full on concern.
"Lorelai!" I can hear his muffled scream.
I drop my gaze to my lap just as the bus begins to roll away from the curb.
"Lorelai!" His voice enters my ears again. "I'm so sorry! I'm here! I'm here! Please!"
I lift my gaze to the window again, noticing how he runs to catch up with the bus. He stays beside the bus, pleading through the thick glass until the vehicle is too fast for him.
I keep my eyes on him as the bus speeds away, having to crane my neck backwards.
I watch as he throws the flowers to the ground forcefully, the petals scattering all over the floor. He puts his head into his hands and yells something that I can't hear.
And that was it.
That was the last I saw of Harry before I went home.
★ HARRY ★
"C'mon, where the hell are you?" I mutter under my breath, my eyes peeking around the corner.
I check my watch for the time, my nerves growing with every second that passes.
11:42
Eighteen minutes until Lorelai gets on a bus and goes back home. Eighteen minutes to get this shit over with and go back acting like nothing happened. I was told to meet this guy here ten minutes ago and he hasn't shown up. I'm starting to get nervous and antsy. I can't miss Lorelai's bus.
11:45
"Fuuuck." I mutter under my breath, continuously checking the sidewalks for any sign of him.
I have no idea what he looks like, but from what our transaction will be, I'd have to guess he'd look like he's hiding.
I'm starting to wonder if it's even worth it at this point.
All this waiting around and anxiety for a drug that will cause nothing but damage in my life. I'm fully self-aware of that. I think that since I've gotten this far, I'm too scared to back out now. It sounds ridiculous, but it's true. I'm in too deep, who knows if there's a chance of saving me now?
11:48
This isn't worth losing Lorelai. That I'm sure of.
"Fuck it," I breath, stepping out of the dark alleyway.
I walk fast down the street, attempting to gain my sense of direction so I can get back to the bus. I pick up on familiar street names, my pace quickening. My body is already so stricken with anxiety over what was about to happen, that the idea of missing Lorelai before she leaves, pains me to great extents.
I pass by a small flower shop, the large bouquets displayed gracefully in the window.
Hey, if I'm already running late, it might as well have been for a good reason.
My shoes scrape against the pavement from my harsh stop, and I quickly turn back around and head to the flower shop. I grab the cold door handle and swing it open, hearing a bell chime over my head. The shop is quiet and the hundreds of smells infiltrate my nostrils. An older gentleman greets me as I rush to the counter.
"Hi! Welcome in, are you here for anything in particular?" His large mustache wiggles along with his words.
"Just a bouquet of flowers," I rush the words out, my foot anxiously tapping against the floor.
"An assortment is fine?" He asks and I nod my head vigorously. "Would you like to add a card?" He asks as I check my watch.
11:53
"No, no thank you."
"Okay, let me ring this up for you." He types slowly into the machine, and I use all of my will not to snap at him. "That'll be twenty dollars."
I reach into my pocket for my wallet, grabbing out a crip twenty dollar bill and slamming it down onto the counter. I snatch the bouquet from his hands, my feet already moving towards the exit before he can even put my cash into his drawer.
"Thank you!" I call out as I shove my body through the door.
11:55
I rushed down the street, praying that time would move slower. I stupidly told this guy to meet me at a place that was somewhat far away from the bus, just in case. Worst idea of my life. My breathing is erratic as I practically run down the sidewalk, strangers giving me weird stares as I blow past them.
11:57
Jesus, is time working against me today?
She is either extremely worried or extremely pissed off right now. Neither are ideal.
I make several right and left turns down random streets, the buildings surrounding me beginning to look somewhat familiar. I pick up my pace impossibly faster, my heart beating in my ears.
I should've never even made plans with this guy. If I miss her getting on the bus, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. I don't know how I would forgive myself, or how she would forgive me. And the worst part is, I didn't even get the coke! I'm racing down the streets, potentially missing my girlfriend leaving, for absolutely no reason.
If I thought I hit my low before, I was wrong.
This is rock bottom.
11:59
Still no sign of the bus stop, and I feel like I've been running for ages. Sweat has built up in my hairline and a lump has formed in my throat.
12:00
I sigh a breath of relief when the street that we parked our tour bus on comes into my view, and I know I'm close. I just have to hope that the rest of the passengers on the bus are taking a while to board.
12:01
I get stopped at a crosswalk, only a block away from the bus stop. I consider sprinting across the street multiple times, but with the heavy traffic racing down the street, I decide against it.
As soon as the walk sign is on, I sprint across the street. I see my friends in the distance, all standing around the bus stop. Somehow I pick up my pace again, feeling like the flash in all those comics I used to read. I can see the end, and a weight begins to fall off my shoulders as I approach the group, all of their heads turning to look at me.
12:02
"Harry! What the fuck!" I hear Harlow yell from the distance between us.
"I'm here! I'm here!" I yell back, a large grin on my face.
As soon as I'm close enough, I notice the shift in energy around the group.
And then I notice the fact that Lorelai isn't standing with them. All of a sudden all of their bickering and berating comments go mute.
I look up to the bus instantly, straight into the window where Lorelai is sitting, Our eyes connect like magnets, and my heart shatters as I watch her eyes brim with tears. I can read the hurt on her face, the trembling lip and crease between her eyebrows.
I fucked up.
"Lorelai!" I scream as loud as I can, watching a single tear fall down her cheek.
Her gaze drops to her lap, and I feel as though I've lost her completely. The bus begins to pull away from the curb, my legs instinctively moving along with it.
"Lorelai!" I yell again, trying to get her attention. "I'm so sorry! I'm here! I'm here! Please!" I plead through the thick glass, my voice full of emotion.
Her watery eyes connect with mine through the glass once again, my feet rushing to catch up with the bus.
"Please! I'm sorry!" I yell but the bus is too far at this point.
"Fuck!" I scream loudly, my feet stopping in their tracks. I throw the bouquet of flowers down onto the pavement, the petals scattering everywhere. My hands cover my face and I scream profanities into my palms, my body overflowing with emotion.
"Harry! You fucking asshole! Where the fuck were you!" I hear Faye screaming from behind me, only making the self-hatred thoughts worse. "You had one job! One fucking job! Show up! And you still couldn't fucking do that!"
"I know," I mutter, my back still to the group.
"She's going home to try and heal from the repetitive stress you caused her, so how do you think not showing up today will sway her decision?"
Her decision? Decision about what?
"I know," I groan quietly, her words beating me straight into the ground.
"Y'know, just today she was telling me about how she could sense you changing and getting better, but I guess she was wrong-"
"I know!" I yell, turning around to face the group.
They all keep their heads low except for Faye. She stares at me with fury in her eyes, a look that could actually kill. Her eyebrows are furrowed, her lips a subtle pout. She breathes heavily, and I can read the anger in her body language.
"I know I fucked up, okay! I don't need you to be screaming at me about it! I know!"
"No, I think you do! You need someone who isn't gonna walk on fucking eggshells around you and tell you how much you are ruining your life, and your relationships right now. I'm sorry that person has to be me, because I could give two shits about how my words make you feel. You hurt my best friend countless times in the past month, so everything that comes out of my mouth is the truth and completely deserved!" Her screaming grants us a couple stares from innocent bystanders.
"Can we at least go back on the bus? Then you can yell at me all you want."
"Oh, I think public humiliation is the first step in getting you to get your shit together," She laughs dryly. "You're an alcoholic with anger management issues. You're a lousy boyfriend and selfish human being. If you ever want to see Lorelai again, I recommend you take a couple days to really reflect on who you are as a person. Really delve deep and wake the fuck up. Because I promise you, if you don't get your shit straight, you will lose everyone who cares about you." She seethes, slowly sauntering towards me.
"Okay," I breathe quietly.
"Okay?" Her eyebrows quirk.
"I'm gonna do better. I'll be better. I'm sorry."
"You better fucking mean it, because trust me, there won't be a next time." Her facial features read nothing but the truth. "Oh, she wanted me to give you this." She reaches into her back pocket, shoving a folded up piece of paper into my hands.
I hold it between my fingertips, watching as everyone slowly walks back to the bus without me. Their faces are full of disappointment with a hint of sympathy, but mostly just telling me what I already know.
I fucked up really bad.
I sit down on the curb, hearing the sounds of passing strangers behind me. My eyes wander the empty street where the bus just was. The paper in my hand taunts me, begging me to open it as my brain screams at me not to.
I have no idea what could be written here. Maybe it's her letting me know that she wants to break up? Maybe it's her telling me that she's never coming back? Or she's found someone else? But from the solemn look on her face as the bus pulled away, I'm nearly certain that my suspicions are incorrect. And all that does is make me even more nervous for what's written.
Before I can think anymore about it, I unfold the paper quickly. My eyes scan the page, her recognizable and distinct handwriting splayed out in front of me. It's almost like my brain won't allow my eyes to register the words on the page in fear of what it will say.
Harry,
My heart already sinks from the way she writes my name.
I wanted to write this letter because I wasn't sure how to say the words aloud. I don't know why, but writing it down and fleeing before I can see your reaction is the only way I can tell you this.
Harry, I miss you.
I know this will sound odd, as I am currently on a train leaving you, but it's true.
I miss you while on the train, I miss you in the morning when you're asleep and I wake up before you, and I miss you when you're right in front of me. I don't even know what to think about anymore, it's always about you.
You are just so different these days, and that's not always a bad thing, not at all. But sometimes I just really miss a certain thing about you.
I'm not even sure what it was really, but I saw it in your face last night. A black eye and cuts all over your face, but somehow there was still the old Harry peeking through.
It was the same damn thing that made me fall for you in the first place.
I want him back, and I know he's in there. I need to know that when I come back to you, that we will be alright. Just like you used to tell me, and what I told you last night. I need you to believe that, but I also need you to understand that it won't happen unless you heal yourself.
Please don't forget about me while I'm gone.
I care about you more than you'll ever know,
Lor <3