The drive back was about as unpleasant as you can imagine.
Pain and sadness clung in the air, filling the truck like smoke.
Jake's mind was reeling, his heart pounding, and his palms sweating. The drive back home seemed to take a lot longer than the drive to Wales. As though space and time itself wanted to drag this out to torment him with her presence.
He sneaked a peek at her, but she was facing away from him. Staring expressionless out of the passenger window, the sun lit up her face beautifully. It revealed every freckle and tone in her hair, which was dancing together like a flame. Red, orange, brown, and burgundy stands all rippling together in harmony.
How could he go forever without seeing her again?
The thought churned his stomach.
The idea of not texting her when he wanted to, not calling her when he needed to hear her voice, not sipping coffee at her shop on rainy mornings, and watching her walk funny the day after a hard session at the gym.
How could he go without kissing her now that he knew how she tasted? How could he forget what it felt like to hold her while she fell asleep in his arms?
Visions of Gideon by Sufjan Stevens came on through the speakers, just to torment him. The lyrics were so close to home that he audibly swore before flicking the track over.
He gripped the wheel tighter, forcing himself to look away from the women he loved. He was so in love with her that just looking at her made him tingle from head to toe. He couldn't imagine anyone else he would rather have next to him; he couldn't imagine another set of lips he wanted to kiss for the rest of his life.
But she wouldn't give him that.
No, Jake. I don't love you. I'm sorry.
The sting of her words burned still; it would probably linger in his core forever.
Yet he couldn't be angry at her.
She hadn't made any promises to him. She hadn't told him that she loved him. He suspected she had, but obviously now she has made it perfectly clear that it wasn't the case.
Eventually, he pulled up outside her house, and he took a long, deep breath, wondering what would happen next.
All she did was look at him, just for a moment. Her eyes were sad and teary. Her lips parted, with words he was certain were about the leave them, but she closed them again, forming a tight line before she opened the door and was gone.
He stared straight ahead, gripping that wheel tighter and tighter, his knuckles turning white as she got her belongings from the back of the truck.
When he closed the door, she heard a little tap on the window. He let the window down, snapping his eyes toward her.
Her eyes were firm on his now, watching him carefully before she spoke. "Thank you for coming with me and being there. And I'm so sorry." Her voice caught as tears started to run down her face. He clenched his jaw. "I'm so sorry for hurting you and for not being able to give you what you want. I wish I could, I just... I just can't let him go. I can't lose you, Jake; you're my best friend." As she watched him through the window, tears dripped from her chin to the floor below.
It would be easy to go and wrap her up in an embrace and tell her that everything was fine and that they would always be friends, no matter what.
He could live like this, in pain every day, for a while at least, but it would be bearable. He could long after her while she continued to heal from Adam. But he would eventually crack; every day it would chip away at him like it has been for so long. And he knew that if there was no future with her, he had to cut ties. For both of their sakes, he had to be the strong one.
He had to move on.
And she had to learn to be without him.
He looked down, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, Jess, I can't do it. I can't be what you need me to be anymore." Then he shifted into first gear and pulled away before she could convince him to stay.
***
Jessica stepped inside the threshold to her house, and it was as though she had stepped onto another planet. Everything felt wrong. The sofa sat at a weird angle, the colour of the walls was a different shade, and the pictures on the walls of her and Adams' lives seemed to tell someone else's story.
It didn't feel like her life anymore. It was as if she had travelled through time and found herself back at square one. She didn't want to be here. She wasn't this person anymore. Moving past a photo of her and Adam on their wedding day, she touched the image, trying to remember how she felt in that moment. Going by her smile, she looked happy.
But she couldn't feel that happiness anymore.
It no longer belongs to her.
Dropping her bags at the bottom of the stairs, she ran up them and quickly showered. Muck, grass, and dry leaves ran from her hair, spinning round and round on the shower floor before slipping down the drain. Once she didn't smell so bad, she quickly dried her hair and stuck it back out of her face, then changed into her usual work attire.
It was 10 a.m., the morning rush for lunch was soon to begin at the bakery, and she was eager to get her hands messy to distract herself from wanting to cry all day.
The weather was overcast, chilly, and miserable. The sun that had peaked through the treeline back in Wales was long gone now. Her once-content and happy mood had vanished.
She walked her usual route, which led past both Jake's flat and the recording studio where he worked. Sometimes she'd stop in for a quick cup of tea or coffee if she had time, but instead she just noticed that his truck wasn't parked outside either place before she hurried to the shop.
The door pinged, and Mel spotted her first. Jess avoided her confused gaze and made note that there were no customers inside yet, apart from their regular Pete, who would sit for around 2 hours every morning in the back with a black coffee, reading the news paper.
"I thought you weren't back from your trip until tomorrow." She asked as Jess ducked under the counter.
"Change of plans, that's all. I didn't want to be away from the bakery for that long." She told her as she washed her hands, still avoiding her eyes.
"What happened?" Mel asked, and not for a second was she fooled by her bullshit answer. She could tell something was off.
"Nothing; it was a lovely break. And we scattered Adam where we wanted, and it was beautiful." She paused and turned to her friend, who was leaning against the counter with her arms crossed; her face read, "I know you're hiding something."
Jess bit her bottom lip, and tears sprang to her eyes. "And I also slept with Jake, and I think I'm in love with him, and I don't know what to do about it." She squeaked out, her voice shaking as she began to sob.
"Fuck sake." Mel sighed and pulled Jess in for a hug. Jess sobbed uncontrollably. She had been so strong; the whole ride home, she had wanted to break, to cry, to beg him to forget everything she had said and take her in his arms and kiss her like only he could. But she didn't. It wasn't fair on him to lead him on when she didn't know or understand how she felt.
"Jesus, what's wrong with you?" Louise asked, dropping the baking contents in her hands on the counters and rushing to Jessica's side.
"She'd finally realised that she was in love with Jake." Mel explained with a sorrowful look in her eyes, and she stroked Jessica's hair from her wet cheeks.
"Aw, love," Louise cooed, patting her back, and all of them moved from behind the counter to sit at a nearby table.
"You both knew?" Jess hiccuped, wiping her damp face.
"Of course. It's pretty obvious." Mel said, and Louise nodded in agreement. Though she did look a bit apologetic. "I think there were only two people on this earth that couldn't see that you were both mad about each other, and that was you and him."
Jess sighed, looking at her hands, defeated. "It's ruined now anyway; I ruined it."
Louise leaned back in her chair and said, "Start from the beginning. Tell us everything."
So she told them everything about the holiday. The drive there, the puddles, having to share a bed, dancing, swimming under waterfalls, running from lightning, and crashing the truck. The kiss that changed everything. The passion afterwards. She bared her soul and her heart, and her hands were shaking while she relived it all. By the end, they were all near tears.
"Wow, Jess," Louise sighed, "you don't know how lucky you are."
Jess frowned, so Louise continued. "Some people go their whole lives never once feeling that type of love. You are lucky enough to have experienced it twice."
Jess shook her head. "But I shouldn't, not with him. Not with Adams' best friend. It's wrong."
Mel leaned over and took Jessica's hand, which she squeezed hard. "You listen to me, Jess. Adam would want you to be happy. I know you think it's wrong, but I think it's right. How can love be wrong?"
Jess didn't know how to answer that question, and luckily she didn't have to. Instead, the bell pinged, and in poured a huge rush of customers. The girls sprang to work, taking coffee orders and making rolls to go. Jess took a moment, considering Mel's words, before joining them.
How can love be wrong?
She spun to Mel as she tied up her apron, remembering the bad Welsh she had taught her that nearly killed Dai. "Thanks for telling me how to say, 'I like dicks,' in Welsh too."
"It's okay, you're only speaking the truth," Mel said with a wink. "But maybe next time you should say Dwi'n hoffi Pidyn Jake."
All Jess could do was gape.
***
Vote, Comment!
Shunice x