My reflection stares back at me as I prepare to leave my apartment. My hair is long, full, and healthy. Each curl coming together to create a crown. The blonde is natural and cohesive, lighter at the ends due to sun exposure.
I cover my full lips with a minty plumping gloss I bring everywhere I go. I think I'm going to take a break from dating. I have the worst luck when it comes to love. I was screaming another man's name last time and I woke up this morning blocked on everything.
Tijuana is the busiest city I've ever been to. Living here for 3 years I have met more people than I did my entire life in the US. Mexicans and Americans rush out of the colorful buildings and cargo ship containers at all hours of the day. Drinks flow like water. This morning the weather is hot but the ocean breeze cools the air to an enjoyable calm.
The entire town is on the beach yet I can never get tired of staring at the shore. I enjoy my solitude on a sunset-colored towel as the gust blows grains of sand onto my skin. I'm right in front of a resort so there are other people coupled up behind me as a waiter takes orders for alcoholic beverages.
He's wearing yellow shorts and a floral shirt that's completely open at the front. When he walks up to me I make my back straighter and greet him with a smile.
"Cuanto?" I ask after picking out a frozen cocktail with a fresh fruit garnish.
The waiter takes the menu from me before telling me the price in USD. Even though I'm half Mexican I will always look like a tourist here. In my 23 years of living, I have never fit in anywhere.
I spend hours on the beach alone, one of my favorite forms of self-care. The water calls me. It's how I got here. To end my day I stop by a convenience store a block away from my apartment. The smells of barbacoa and other meats cooking are pungent as the city refuses to sleep. The entire block is illuminated by motorcycle lights and open storefronts.
I greet the cashier and his mom who's preparing lengue for the dad to grill outside. They all smile at me as I make my way down the aisles. I spot the specific type of Cheetos I love and that I've never seen in the US. The bag feels light and crunchy when I pick it up.
There's someone tall and dark in front of me. My eyes travel slowly up the familiar figure and I gasp out loud, almost screaming. Instead, I choose not to believe my eyes. I quickly pay for the snack at the register as he takes his time catching up to me.
Crisp air brings me back to reality as I exit the store. I turn around to make sure I'm not hallucinating this time. Because I imagined seeing the men here for years and they never came. This time has to be all in my head too.
"Sit," Von says.
He pulls out a chair from the outdoor dining table they have here. He keeps his hand on the back of it until I finally obey him. Then he pushes me up to the table with one hand.
My hallucinations have never interacted with the world around me. Things in my mind cannot have evolved like this. I can't be that mentally ill. He's real.
Von takes out a cigarette, lights it, and stares at me with his seascape eyes the entire time. I'm still taking it in. The slow exhale of smoke from his lips, the light wrinkles between his eyebrows.
"You smoke?" I ask, instantly remembering how intolerant he was when Kimori did it around him.
"Spent too much time with Hyun. It's an old habit. I can stop if you want me to," Von says, his voice deep as the Pacific Ocean. "I just like the brand they have here... and the tacos."
The way he says it sounds too nostalgic. The Von I know is obsessive. He lacks self-control and most of all he's selfish.
"Is this your first time here?" I ask.
"No," Von says flatly.
"When was the last time you were here?"
Von takes a long drag from his cigarette. He turns his head and I study the strength in his jawline as he exhales smoke. "About three months ago."
My heart starts racing. He's making me anxious. "Was that your first time here?"
"No."
"Then when were you here before then?"
"About three months prior, again." He relights his cigarette after the humidity blows it out. He turns away from me this time too, flipping the metal lighter open and bringing his face close to the flame.
I've never seen him before today. He's wearing dress pants and a white button-down with the sleeves cuffed at his muscular forearms. It's hard to look away from the patterns on his skin, yet it hurts to do so. I've never seen anyone here that I knew from back home. I've felt alone my entire time being here. Yet, Von is insinuating he's been visiting at least four times a year.
He's being so honest that I choose not to pry any further. I can understand him without him having to say too much. When the flame casts a glow on his face, he's transparent.
"Why did you come here this time?" I ask.
Von stares at me. His blue eyes hold a cityscape with him and I in the tallest building. "I can't stay away."
"No." I shake my head to clear the emotions he brings up. "Why did you come find me here?"
"What?" Von chuckles. "Did you think I didn't always know where you were?"
"You're going to take me back there, aren't you?" I ask after not getting the response I wanted.
Von smirks at my impatience. I've always been this way. I remember fighting him if he wouldn't let go of me fast enough. I hate sex now because other men take too long to make me cum. He's probably been having a blast being with other people. A new Rosalina is no doubt in my spot and I'll be impatiently waiting for her to die.
"I'm here to bring you back, yes," Von says. "I promise it's safer for you now. That's why I did all this."
"If you're there it's not safe." I get up from the table and push it into him when I go to move past it.
He glares at me as I walk away. "Still violent. I have to do a better job training you this time."
He's so hopeful it's insulting. He still thinks I'm weak. I'm not weak for him or anything else. He follows behind me yet I don't feel like I'm leading.
"I will never be with you again, Von, Damian, whatever the fuck you want to go by now that you think you've turned a new leaf." I keep walking ahead of him. "Stop following me."
"You can call me whatever you want. Just treat me like your lover." From the corner of my eye, I see him run a hand through his hair, slicking it back from his face. "And I don't need to follow you to know exactly where you live, Little Mia."
"You've been there before," I realize, stopping in my tracks and turning to stare at him fully. "You're obsessed."
"I can't say I don't miss tasting you," Von's voice is low. "Keep walking me to your place."
"Should I walk you to the police station instead?" I ask.
"Involve whoever you want. See how it works out for you."
"You're still threatening me. You're still the same."
"They were never threats. They're guarantees. You're coming home with me, now or later. However you want to play it." Von continues after me.
I don't want bloodshed. I don't want anyone to lose their life because of me. I walk the stairs to my apartment and try to unlock the door as Von stares down at me. My nervousness takes over as I struggle, fumbling with the metal key and feeling the jagged edges on my fingertips. As soon as the door opens I slip inside and close it behind me. I twist the lock as Von twists the handle.
"You're scaring me," I say once he makes it inside.
He breathes deeply. I watch the slow rise and fall of his chest. I wonder how I look to him, if my lips are glossy enough, and if my hair is too frizzy.
Von apologizes softly. He tells me good night and lets his inked hand linger on the doorknob before he opens it again. My studio apartment gets tattooed. Excerpts run off from his skin and onto the walls, giving the small studio personality and familiarity. It looks darker. It looks like something from my past.
Von leaves me alone.
•••
The next morning I'm struggling with the three combined hours of sleep I got. I know Von is still here. There's no way he comes all the way to Mexico just to stay for one night. I wonder how much time he's spent just watching over me without my knowledge. Fucking creep.
I stall leaving my apartment. It looks different after last night. Everywhere is decorated with colorful little trinkets and sculptures I picked up from the tourist traps around town. The bedding and couch are neutral colors as to not clash with the traditional patterns I have on the curtains and rugs. Even my bathroom has five little tattooed sugar skulls strewn about.
The mood is so much calmer now. Less like a guesthouse and more like a prison cell. Granted I have never felt the most welcome here since this is where I was sent after I got off of the boat the men shipped me on. I tried my best to add life to my little cage but at the end of the day, Von reminded me of how little control I have over my environment. I don't even pay any bills here. My card still works so I use that to buy everything I want and need otherwise.
Once I leave, Von is right outside my door. He's wearing basically the same thing as yesterday except his suit pants are made from a different material. His white shirt is too crisp to have been worn before. My landlord smiles at him as they converse.
The Von I know hates talking to strangers, yet Von smiles back. Curved lines form on his face as his freckles glow in the sunlight. It's a genuine smile. He even extends his hand first as the two men shake on it to symbolize the end of their conversation.
Von still has a light smile on his face when he turns towards me and when he notices I'm staring back, it reaches his eyes. I should've been using this time to run away but I got distracted. I think I look too friendly, too inviting in my red flory dress.
"How are you?" Von asks.
I'm trying to figure out what angle he's trying to play here. Why all of a sudden he's so kind when that's never been in his nature. It's like he's broken out of the character mold I had him in all these years.
Bits of the shell remain on the outside of him, in his tattoos, and on his face like a mask. No matter how nice he thinks he is, he will always wear all of the pain he caused on his exterior. I could recognize someone so sinister from a mile away.
I walk down the metal stairs leading from my apartment. They creak and cry out under my weight like I'm hurting them. I decide to ignore Von as I go down the street to start off my Saturday errands.
"Somehow you're even more beautiful than before," Von continues talking to himself behind me. "That dress looks so good on your body."
"Can you leave me alone?" I ask as I turn around, suddenly self-conscious of every move and jiggly my body makes.
Even though I'm not eating heart-attack-inducing American food anymore, I still managed to gain a bit of weight while down here. I'm alone most of the time so there's nothing to do but eat. And the food is just so damn good everywhere.
"Never," Von says taking a heavy step toward me. The sun is behind him making his frame appear darker than usual. "Never again."
And I've never been afraid of the dark. Growing up so secluded and cut off from the real world, my biggest fear was being alone. I step towards him. He was watching over me this whole time to make sure I was safe. I thought I was abandoned here but Von was always lurking in the shadows, making sure nothing happened to me.
I wrack my brain trying to find something mean to say to him. It was easier before when he was being mean back. Now I can't even fake it.
"What were you talking about with my landlord?" I settle on asking not even because I'm curious, but just to give myself more time to sort out my feelings.
"I told him it's your last week here," Von answers.
"I told you I'm not going back with you. Are you dumb?" I tilt my head at him feeling my curls frame my face. "Do you think you can change my mind that's been made for three years now in just a week?"
"You seem to have a lot of questions," he says. "Let me take you to dinner. I'll answer everything and I'll give you dessert."
Three years ago he gave my hopes up. I got dressed in fabrics I knew he'd love and wore jewelry I knew he picked out, especially for me. That was when I expected a dinner. When I docked in Tijuana the first thing I did was burn everything I was wearing. I made a fire pit in the sand and watched as the materials turned to ash.
"Sure," I say. "Not tonight though. I'm tired."
Von looks a bit shocked, the waves in his irises have stilled. It's like he can't believe I fell for that. But I didn't. I'm going to stand him up the same way he did me.
"Can you leave me alone for the day? I have some shopping I need to do today and I don't want to be distracted." Being around him still just reminds me of how he hurt me.
A moped drives past us. The tanned man riding without a helmet as he slows his speed to take a shortcut through the market. Bright red floral blankets and tablecloths follow the wind pattern he creates. Von pulls out a cigarette.
"Whatever you want," he says as he lights it, keeping it between his lips the entire time.
I continue my usual Saturday shopping, checking out the shot glasses with the Mexican flag on them and the Viva la Tijuana ripped tees. The female vendor is extremely friendly towards me and offers to let me try some things on. I frequented this area and never took the time to check out her stuff. I'm not leaving in a week, no matter what Von thinks, but I still regret not doing more.
I'm halfway through the outdoor market when I notice Von beside me. He never left. My eyes roll instinctively.
"What are you still doing here?"
"Oh, I decided to do some shopping as well." He's looking at women's clothes.
He reaches over to me and holds one particular piece to my chest. I miss the way he felt against my skin. His hand just hovers there. Then he takes it away. My feelings are starting to overwhelm me. I need him gone. All of the female shop owners stare up at him.
Even compared to the other tourists he stands out with his tall frame, tattoos that go all the way up to his face, and casual business attire. I'd recognize any of the gang members even in a room full of people. Romero would tower over anyone. It wouldn't be hard to spot him with his long curly hair. I wonder if he's cut it. Seven's energy is so strong he radiates a golden light wherever he goes. I wonder if he overcame his mental illnesses.
I wonder if L has a new prosthetic or if Kimori has any new piercings. Are the guys all still alive? I want to ask Von but I don't want to get too invested.
I'll never be able to crawl back out at this rate. The air in Mexico tastes like freedom. I've wanted to come here for so long. Why am I considering being under the gang's control again?
Von buys two dresses and a few trinkets similar to the ones I already have in my apartment. I leave the market with a bracelet myself. Anytime Von would notice me staring at something for too long he'd purchase it anyway. He follows behind me with three shopping bags.
I don't let him in. So he leaves them outside of my door.
On the third day, I'm tired of seeing him. It's too tempting making it feel like torture more than anything. I want to give in. Especially when he knocks on my front door.
"Can't you just open it?" I mock him instead of greeting him. I find it highly unlikely he wouldn't be the owner of the spare key.
"I didn't want to scare you," Von says as he looks down at me. "Come here."
"No." I hold the door tighter thinking it's best to close it while I still can.
"After all these years, more than anything I miss holding you." Von stares down at me with nothing but pure adoration, nothing apologetic about it.
Back then he'd hold me so tight, his hands around my waist, my neck. I thought he'd never let me go, but he did. Everything he's saying now is an afterthought.
"Forgive me," Von demands. "You can't carry this around with you. I forgave Seven, Romero, despite getting in physical fights with them every other week. I care more about their love than I do about hating them."
I'm not them. They need Von. I don't. I've proven it by living here this long.
"Have dinner with me like you promised," he says.
I'm an idiot. But also I haven't been on a date in so long and certainly not one this fancy. There's a mariachi band playing from our view on the top floor. They have youthful dancers in vibrant red, green, and pink dresses passing between the tables.
"Is everyone still alive?" I ask.
Von takes a bite out of a strawberry from the platter of fresh fruit we have on our table. "Everyone is still alive."
"Then why haven't they come to see me?" I feel so betrayed I get choked up. Fuck these men. They have no control over me anymore so they shouldn't have any control over my emotions.
"They don't know where you are, Mia. I told them you were dead... that I killed you before another gang could get the chance to hurt us."
My mouth hangs slightly ajar before I get the chance to close it. If I'm mad at him now I can imagine how angry the other gang members were. Then again I know they got over it. It probably took a month or two max.
"What made you so sure I wouldn't die out here? Have you forgotten about Rosalina already? She was put in protective custody just to be burned to a crisp right in front of us."
Von holds up his hand to get me to stop. "Everything I did was to make sure that didn't happen to you. I'm one of the only two people that know where you've been this whole time. Any more than that and things would get too risky. I kept coming back here because I couldn't leave it all to Hyun. I needed to check in on you myself."
Hyun dropped me off at the docs. I was stupid enough to board without asking any questions but he's not the easiest guy to talk to either. He's Korean with a full sleeve of tattoos and probably more I can't see.
The fact that I've survived this long being affiliated with so many dangerous men is crazy. It's also thanks to Von whether I want to admit it or not. He's sitting in front of me in a dark red shirt. I've never seen him wear color before, except when he was pretending to work at the auto shop and wore the same dull blue coveralls as the rest of the gang. Sharing everything was one of the syndicate's number one rules. They've always moved as a unit.
Von went rogue. The rest of the members unanimously wanted me out of the gang, for their safety. L probably wanted me dead and was happy to hear so. But Von used L's tech and a bullet to make sure I was safe even all the way out here. Tijuana isn't the safest city to live in, especially as a single female.
I've had some drunken nights. Some nights when I was scared someone unknown was following me. I've let some sketchy people in, I always have. But I never ran into the same issue twice.
I had a fling my second year here. Alejandro had curly hair and tan skin. His deep brown eyes made me feel like I could trust him and his smile made me feel like he cared. He was just taking advantage of me, using me for my body. I was a dumb slutty tourist.
"What's wrong?" Von creases his eyebrows, holding onto the top of his wine glass with new finger tattoos.
I thought his being with Rosalina was cheating. Alejandro ghosted me for a week after sex and came back with three new bodies and his dick smelling weird. Cheating is betrayal. Through all of the fighting and bloodshed, the syndicate has always been loyal. They always come back to each other, and I'll always come back to them.
Von is staring into my soul right now. A tear is tickling my left cheek as I struggle to maintain eye contact. No matter how comfortable I get with him, he will always intimidate me. There's a collar on my neck with a metal buckle and holes punched in. It's placed there for easy manipulation, domination, and Von holds the leash.
"I want to hold you," Von says as he stares at me with eyes full of emotion. "So bad it's hurting me. But I'll wait for you."
I wipe my face and let my hand run over my bare neck to see if what I'm imagining is really there.
"Why are you being so gentle?" I ask. "You usually just take what you want."
"Mia," Von cuffs his sleeves, pushing them up even more and revealing his deep black tattoos. "I already have you."
•••
I don't want to be alone tonight. Von walks me to my apartment door then he's playing this game like he won't come in unless I invite him. He wants me to beg for it.
"I missed you," I confess. I'm holding the door as the breeze blows my yellow dress. "I wished you were here... I was scared."
"I was here," Von corrects me, peering down with his seascape eyes. "I never would've let anything happen to you. I couldn't control things back home. That's why I sent you here. That's it."
I know that now. I'm grasping for straws as I squeeze the wooden door. It's like I want to be mad at him but he's done more for me than he has to me.
"If I let you in you have to leave when I tell you to," I say.
"Cute," Von smirks at me.
The two of us are just so volatile though. Our conversation quickly turns into an argument once inside. Von never raises his voice at me, but I'm loud enough for both of us.
"I don't want to go back there!" I yell, again. "You think you've changed but you're still trying to control me."
"You make it so easy little Mia," Von sits in my desk chair. His large build making it appear like it's more suited for a child.
"I lied. I don't miss you, your belittling, your gaslighting, your smart-ass comments."
Von chuckles. He swivels slightly in my chair, just happy to be here.
I scan over the trinkets and skin care products on my nightstand stand before deciding on a travel-sized bottle of lotion to throw at his head. He catches it easily. Nothing fazes him.
"We don't have to live together to be together..." I trail off as I stare down at my pink nails. "Can't you just be happy with me letting you back in my life?"
"No," Von says. "I want it all."
"I never get everything I want. Especially not from you."
Von scoffs. "You're such a brat. All that I've done for you, not getting shit in return. You owe me."
Something about the way he switches, more like the man I used to know, I used to love, it causes me to flip out.
"I owe you?" I ask in disbelief.
I get up from my bed and walk across my apartment. There's a sugar skull piggy bank with change and cash I've collected over the past three years. It breaks into a thousand colorful pieces as I smash it on my hardwood floor.
This catches Von's attention. He eyes me as I grab two bunches of pesos and dollar bills in both hands. I fling the money at him and it flies everywhere, falling from the air slow like confetti. There's the powder from the broken porcelain clouding the atmosphere and still on my hands.
"My debt is paid," I say with finality.
Von shakes his head at me from one side to the other. "Pay it with your body and soul. I want all of you."
He's not angry. He's mad.
"If I were to do something like this back then you would have been pulling my hair or punching walls. I still can't believe you did that," I say as I flashback to the most violent he's been with me.
I can see Von reminiscing as well. He probably still feels the pain in his fist. "I got really angry. I wanted to hurt myself for ever getting that angry with you. So I hurt myself instead of hurting you."
It hurts to think back so far. I will never forget that day for as long as I live. "It did hurt me though."
"I want to stop– I wanted to stop hurting you." Von runs a tattooed hand through his hair in frustration. "It was fucking hell living like that and hurting you on top of that... I wanted to protect you from myself. I wanted to protect you from everyone who could hurt you."
So many intimate moments with Von. This is the one that breaks me. I feel my eyes overflowing and lower my head.
"But I needed you, Von." I'm shaking, my voice is shaking. "I need you!"
Von stands up as I break down. His first instinct is to comfort me. I beg him to hold me but it is so inaudible with my theatrics. Yet somehow he understands me. He understands as I fall into him, as I fall for him all over again.
Von wastes no time and crashes his lips against mine. He has his hand at the back of my neck as I passionately give in to him. I taste his lips, my tears.
"You're the love of my life," he says in between breaks for air. "I need you too."