"I'm okay" Big whispered to himself again inside his dark room "I'm okay" but he didn't feel anywhere near okay.
He slid down the door, closing his eyes.
"I hate this" he muttered, voice breaking again.
Then his phone lit up with a single text, and he scrambled to get up from the floor, ready to leave this depressing room.
He threw his door open, almost hitting Porsche who was standing right outside. "Woah!" Porsche called out, wobbling a few steps back
"Sorry"
"Are you okay?" Porsche asked softly, seeing his hurried state "Yeah, I just have to go somewhere"
"Did you need anything?"
"No it's fine, it can wait till later" Porsche replied with a gesture of his hand, and Big hurried past him.
His heart was beating fast and loud as he neared the door. He took a deep breath, hoping his heart would calm down. It barely helped.
"Sir, it's me" he announced, the door buzzed and he took a few quiet, hesitant steps inside.
"I need you to tell me the truth," Kim said from the couch, but Big was focused on the folders scattered on the floor.
"Did you not hear me?" and Big regained his posture.
"What truth, sir" he softly asked, and he could hear Kim let out a sigh.
"What Khun knows. I'm going to ask you again, and you're going to tell me the truth." His voice was calm, but underneath was a hint of frustration. Pain.
"You know what's gonna happen if you don't," Kim's calm voice threatened.
Big took a deep breath again "Your brothers will notice if you hurt me"
"I'll just hurt you where they won't then," he calmly replied, finally turning around to face Big.
His eyes were cold, and Big's heart stopped beating, a shiver going down his spine.
He looked down at the floor again, his heart beating faster than ever. He couldn't tell him the truth, he was not supposed to.
He's a bodyguard of the main family, loyal to them, but he was also watching over Kim?
He could hear Kim get up from the couch, his calm footsteps slowly coming closer.
"I don't like repeating myself, especially when you're supposed to obey my orders"
His steps came to a halt, but Big didn't dare look up at him.
His breath hitched as Kim suddenly leaned in close to him, his breath on his ear "Or are you too broken of a bodyguard to do that?"
No, he wanted to reply. Maybe he truly was broken but not that broken. No matter how broken, he'll still take orders from the family, from the ones whom he owes his life, but he couldn't tell Kim the truth. If he did, he wouldn't trust him, he'd know he was working for Tankhun too.
Kim's hand suddenly held his cast ever so softly, and Big knew it wasn't out of pity or sympathy.
He sunk the lump in his throat. After a moment of silence, he finally spoke.
"Why are the folders on the floor?"
Big fell to the ground with a groan, pain shooting through his arm, and his heart pounding loudly in his ears.
Kim only looked at him with bored eyes, as he kept a tight grip on his arm, and Big looked away from him trying to breathe, to calm his heart. He wanted to tell him to let go, beg if he had to, but what would he be if he did?
Pathetic.
"You could've just answered my question Big" Kim spoke, his grip loosening a bit.
"Tell me- I mean what do you have left to lose?" he taunted again, letting go of Big's arm, who held it close to his body, his other hand shaking as it held the arm.
"You lost your friend, your position, trust, your love. What more do you have to lose?" Big didn't answer, only staring at the broken cast.
What did he have to lose?
The main family knew he was broken, they knew he was not fit to be there anymore. He's lost everything, everything but... everything but working for them, to gain back their trust.
What did he have left to lose?
His life.
"It's... It's" he tried to speak, but his throat closed up. He could feel Kim's glare on him
"It's Porchay" he took in a shaky breath, his chest feeling lighter, yet his heart clenched.
"What?" Kim replied with a hint of shock in his cold voice.
He crouched down in front of Big, "What does he know?"
"Tankhun knows about the two of you" he choked out, "he knows about Yok's bar-"
"-You told him"
Big's heart clenched again at his cold, but disappointed voice.
"I didn't-" he tried to mutter, but Kim had already gotten up and turned his back to him.
"You need to figure out where your loyalty lies Big"
"I didn't tell him" he spoke louder.
Kim was silent for a moment, and Big was sure he froze, before turning back to him "From now on, just do as I say," and Big nodded.
"Instead of forcing me to do something I don't want to"
"Yes... Yes sir"
Porsche was walking around the mansion after his run-in with Big when he heard the sound of a guitar echoing through the halls.
He turned a corner and followed the soft tune to the balcony.
"I haven't heard you playing in a while" he threw at his brother who sat with his guitar out on the balcony.
Porchay turned to his brother who was leaning on the doorframe "Bro" he muttered in a greeting, then turned back to the night view of the city, while Porsche walked out and sat down beside him.
"Is it because of the university?" he asked, and Porchay's look faltered. Porsche put his arm around Porchay's shoulders "Don't worry, you'll get a chance next year. It's their fault for rejecting you" he said with an encouraging smile, and Porchay looked at him, a small smile on his lips, but the guilt was heavy in his heart. "Mhm," he nodded. "Yeah"
It was silent for a while, Porsche looking out on the city, Porchay looking at the balcony floor.
"It's going to be okay" Porsche comforted, pulling Porchay closer.
"How are you though?" Porchay asked, not being able to stand the silence anymore, knowing he was keeping secrets from his brother. Porsche looked down at Porchay "I'm fine"
"Really?" Porchay asked with a raised eyebrow
"you're the leader of the minor family. Do you really expect me to believe you?"
Porsche gave Porchay a sheepish smile "You shouldn't have to worry about that" but Porchay was still serious as ever.
"You're my family. My brother," Porsche looked at him in silence for a moment.
"I'm fine. You shouldn't know too much about this world. It's awful"
"Well, it's a little too late isn't it?"
Porsche was silent again, then let out a soft snicker, earning a curious look from his brother.
"I guess you're right, but I'm trying to keep you safe"
"I don't think I can be any safer than I am here already" Porsche didn't say anything in a while, just thinking about something, eyes drifting.
"You know, Kinn isn't close to his younger brother" he finally spoke, and Porchay tried to hide his curiosity.
"Kim, right?"
Porsche nodded "I think something really bad happened"
"Tankhun never mentioned they fought," Porchay replied, recalling the time Tankhun told him about their family.
Porsche leaned back "I can't imagine losing contact like that, and just, never..." he shook his head as he let the sentence fade out.
"Well, you did leave me with no way of contacting you" Porchay shot back with a shrug
"Okay, but that was to protect you, that's different"
"How can you be sure?"
"Because why else would you force your brother, who left, to go to therapy?"
"What?!" Porchay exclaimed. "What?" he calmly repeated, regaining his composure.
"Yeah," Porsche replied, nodding.
"I don't get it, but then again, their family is odd," he shrugged. Porchay held the guitar a bit tighter, softly nodding "mhm"
It was quiet again, Porsche turning to the night sky once more, and Porchay's mind spiraling with the thought of Kim being forced into therapy.
"Why, why would they force him? Why do they think he needs it?" he cautiously asked, and Porsche shrugged "I'm not sure, all I know, is that Khun believes Kim and Vegas are alike. That's all I know"
"That's odd..." Porchay muttered to himself, and Porsche turned to him "Yeah, it is" watching his brother slip through reality, his mind somewhere far away.
"Well, I'm tired, so I'm gonna go," Porchay then announced, with a sigh, and got up "mhm" Porsche replied, following his brother.
"Chay, I know we haven't spent a lot of time together lately, but I'll fix that" an arm placed around his brother's shoulders once again. Porchay nodded "It's fine, you have a lot of responsibility"
"You're my responsibility too"
Porchay rolled his eyes, but a smile broke out on his lips "I'm 18"
"And don't worry, I've been trying to get to know mom" and even if he was still smiling, the look in his eyes told Porsche he wasn't.
It's no secret it's been hard with their mom. She's not herself, and even if Porsche pretended not to notice it most of the time, something about it didn't feel right.
He didn't know what to say, so he pulled Chay closer "It's going to be okay, sleep well okay?"
"I will"