Seori lets out a long sigh, tugging her jacket to herself as she stretches her neck. She plans to drop by a bookstore on her walk home, wanting to browse around hoping it will distract her from these thoughts. She turns around and the ground shifts beneath her feet when she sees a figure standing not far from her, eyes looking straight in her direction.
Her heart slams so hard on her chest, the tremors of shocks travel all over her body as her breath hitches.
Taehyung
The world tunes out in slow motion, her surrounding becomes a spinning blur as she looks at him. She looks at him with doubt, not believing her own eyes as she takes in the sight of him. Taehyung stands a few feet away from her, his tired eyes mirroring hers, and he looks just as wrecked as her.
The fight or flight response kicks in but her heart dips at the same time, evoking the part of her that longs for him. Her stomach pools with anxiety as pain swirl in, and her body begins to shake at the way her emotions seem to knock her guts.
There is pain where there is longing. Her heart is filled with warmth but it leaks painfully through the cracks.
Looking at him breaks her all over again. Her heart tells her to run to him but her head is begging her to run away from him.
"Seori", he says her name, like a prayer.
He steps closer and Seori backs away from him in fear, hugging herself like she is trying to get away from him.
Taehyung wants to stab his own heart at her response. He hates himself more seeing the way Seori looks so hurt. He dislikes that she wants to get away from him.
"Can I come -"
"Don't come any closer", she takes another step back, her breathing getting heavier. "Don't. I do not want you to come closer"
Pain flashes behind his eyes and Taehyung swallows the lump in his throat. He nods weakly.
"Okay"
They stand in silence, looking at each other with so much heaviness in their eyes. There is longing. There is yearning. There is this need but yet, they stand there like two strangers.
"Have you been eating well?", he speaks so softly, trying his best to smile. "Did you drink your coffee with your oat milk?"
Seori says nothing, still too startled at his sudden appearance, her eyes processing his presence.
"Did you manage to get your favorite butter muffins? Did you bring your candles and essential oils here?"
She blinks at his question, her heart shattering even more. Hearing his voice - that deep soothing honey voice - feels like a balm to her stone-cold heart. Having him speak to her so tenderly feels like a bandage to her wounds. A small part of her wants to run into her arms and let him take care of her.
But another part is fighting against it.
"Seori...", his voice drips with pain, and it makes her heart slam in her chest.
"N-No", she shakes her head, looking away from his eyes. "I have not drunk any coffee. I hate coffee now. I no longer like the smell of lavender either. I brought no candles here too"
"Why?"
She breathes in deeply, her chest so tight it feels like a struggle just to breathe. She looks to the side, closing her eyes as a means to stop the tears. She cannot cry. Not here. Not right now.
"I hate them now"
Taehyung feels like someone just reaches deep into his chest and harshly grabs on his heart and rips it to shreds. The hurt in Seori's voice hurts him.
"I don't like them anymore", she says those words to herself. "They used to heal me but now they break me"
She gulps, her hands shaking as she clasps them together.
"All of them have traces of you", her voice breaks.
And Taehyung breaks. He wants to run to her but he can't. He hates that she is far from his hold. He hates that she looks defensive as if he is going to hurt her again. He would kill himself before he even think of hurting her again.
"I am so angry", her voice trembles even more. "I am angry because all these things I loved were mine first but now have traces of you in them. I put them there. I put you into everything I love dearly and I loved them even more. But now everything gives me pain. Everything reminds me of you"
If only the ground could swallow him alive, he would let it. He would let it swallow him and he would take all her pain with him, bury them deep in the ground. His heart shatters and shatters till there is nothing left. But the hollowness in him feels like a permanent wound that bleeds to no end.
Listening to Seori speak with so much weakness makes Taehyung want to drop to the ground and grovel at her feet. She's hurting because of him.
He takes a step forward but Seori steps back hastily.
"Seori...", he pleads, chest tightening. He gives her a long look and is met with a defensive gaze instead.
Seori looks like she wants to run from him.
"Namjoon told me that you mentioned I never spoke of Jiyeon to you"
Seori looks up, her eyes startling at the mention of Jiyeon's name.
"To be honest, Jiyeon never crossed my mind. Not even once. I left her in the past. I am in the present", his voice begins to shake. "Seori...you're in my present"
Taehyung can see his words affecting her in the way her body jerks slightly. Her eyes go wide but the light that appeared in those eyes disappears as quickly as it comes.
She looks away, hugging herself tightly like she wants to shrink into the ground. "I am mad at myself"
He blinks. "Why are you mad at yourself?"
"Because...", she inhales deeply, lips trembling. "Because everything is a mess - my feelings, my grief, my anxiety, and depression - my triggers - but instead of dealing with those...I was just missing you. I missed you and I hate that I am always in pain whenever I think of you. There is no end to this pain and I cannot fix it on my own. I am too disturbed by all these feelings. Oh god, it has been death to me. I want to feel calm. I want to be able to wake up and not feel heavy right here"
She presses a palm to her heart, breathing hard as she looks at him.
"I am tired of fighting my feelings. I am so tired. I want to end this"
Taehyung wishes the ground could swallow him right there right now.
"Seori, can I come closer...?"
She shakes her head vigorously, stepping back like she is terrified of him. "I am afraid of you. I am afraid my heart will be in much more pain if you come closer"
Tears brim in his eyes at her words. Her words feel like multiple stabs to his heart, twisting as his heart bleeds.
"I just want to feel safe again", she looks down, a tear slowly tricking down her left cheek and she rubs it away quickly. "I am not sure if you are the person who can make me feel safe but it pains me so much to hope that you will be the person"
A beat of complete silence passes between them. Taehyung does not even blink, afraid that she would disappear if he closes his eyes even for a second.
"Seori, I am in love with you", he says softly. "I do not even need to think about it. I love you and I am desperately in love with you. You do not have to ask me to sort my feelings because I am sure of what I feel towards you. You can take another step away from me but I will follow you. You can push me away, refuse my feelings or my apologies but I still want to give you everything"
She turns to him slowly, lips parting in surprise and she gives him a processing gaze.
"I never thought of telling you about Jiyeon because she never crossed my mind when I am with you. When I am with you...I could not think of anything else. I am consumed by you, Seori. And I willingly want to let myself be consumed by your presence. You can take everything of me because I am yours, entirely"
He pauses, inhaling deeply as he looks at her.
"But I realized I was careless. I was careless because I was too distracted by my feelings for you. I was too busy falling in love with you and...you got hurt because of my past"
She looks at him, conflicting emotions spreading over her face. Then slowly she lets out a sigh, turning her body to him.
"The night of Taeri's death"
Taehyung's heart skip a beat. He knows this conversation was coming. He is prepared for this.
"The scarf...and...the lavender scent", she struggles with her words, frowning at the difficulty.
"I know", he says.
She looks at him, wide-eyed.
"I know", he says again, softer this time. "I recognized you when we went to Seoul for your alumni party"
She looks down, eyes twitching as she thinks hard.
"We happened to walk past Sungkyukwan Hospital. I went to the convenience store for a while and I saw you looking at the hospital with an expression that mirrored mine. When you turned to me, everything from two nights ago came back to me - the flashbacks. I was not sure about it but when Namjoon told me everything - the events overlapped"
She stares at him for a long moment, weighing his words with a slight frown on her face. It feels unreal to hear him say those to her. It is even more difficult to let those words sink in and process everything. Suddenly she feels afloat like she is thrown into another dizzying dimension.
She takes a moment to get her bearings, tuning back to the present.
"You left your scarf that night"
He smiles. "I did not. I put it there on purpose because I realized you were sitting out there for hours without a coat or a scarf. You were shivering. I did not think twice about it - I just put it there hoping you would take it"
Her heart squeezes tightly and waves of emotions hit her all over again. She wants to smile at his smile but she could not. Her entire body feels heavy with exhaustion.
"Your scarf...it had smelled like lavender", she sighs, tugging on her jacket. "I remember how strong the lavender scent was. That was the moment I realized how the scent was so soothing to me. It calmed me that night"
She breathes in and out, her lips trembling.
"Everything is connected now", she sounds confused at her own words despite the clarity. "Your scent, the smell of your room"
Taehyung makes a move to step closer but Seori immediately backs away from him.
"Please, no", she shakes her head. "I am not in a good state and you cannot handle me right now"
He gives her a gentle look and a slow smile curls on his lips. "Not handle you, Park Seori. I want to be with you. Let me be with you. I want to be by your side no matter your state. You can say anything to push me away but I will not buy them. I want to be with you and I mean it. Let me hold you. I want to"
Taehyung watches as she steps back but not quite enough to create more distance between them. He sees the way her eyes slowly soften over his assurance, her body relaxing slightly and that is all it takes for him to take another step toward her. Then another step. Then another, until he is standing directly in front of her, watching her glassy eyes looking up at him like a silent plead.
She is internally screaming for help. Her silent scream reaches him and he swears to God he wants nothing but to reach into her soul and hold her fragile heart in his own hands.
He doesn't hug her immediately. He lets her take in their closeness, and he takes the chance to inhale her familiar scent that he has longed for. A month without her felt like an eternity.
He looks at her, speaking to her through his gaze. She returns his gaze, silently telling him that she is not stepping away.
As slowly and gently as possible, Taehyung wraps his arms around her, one hand around her body and another at the back of her head, and he presses her into his embrace. She tenses in his hold at first, but Taehyung tightens his hands around her and presses his mouth to the side of her hair.
"I am here", he whispers softly. "Seori, I am here"
Taehyung can feel the exact moment everything goes still inside of her before she slowly goes limp in his hold, her breath hitching before she breaks into tears. She buries her face into his chest, and he holds her even tighter.
"You have me, Seori", he kisses her hair.
She shakes her head and Taehyung caresses the back of her head, coaxing her with so much tenderness in his touch.
"Please", his voice breaks a little. "Never run away from me again. Please don't ever walk away from me again - I can't deal with that, Seori. I don't have the strength"
He rubs her back, offering comfort when her cries get louder but muffled in his chest.
"It felt like death not knowing how you were - where you were - Please, don't ever walk away from me again"
~~~~
NOTE
Happy reading everyone <3
I've been feeling blue this week and probably relapsing thus the slow update + short chapter (i am sorry 🥲)
I hope 2023 has been gentle so far for everyone ! Here is some 🍓🍓🍓🍓🍓🍓🍓 !