The longest chapter of this book, also the most emotional one atleast to me (;
2 years leap
Sidhant pov
"chachuuuuuu bachaooooo" I heard my 2 year old nephew whisper yelling at me.
" Ab kya kiya tune bhai ?" ( what have you done, now? ) , I asked him, knowing very well that he had gotten himself in trouble yet again, I still don't get it,how can this little man get himself in trouble every minute...
" chachuu woh, I was playing ball in room, ball hit ma's new vase, and it broke.... ma will scold chachu... plsss helpp.... app mere favo..fae.. ahaa favourite chachu ho na.. pls.." he told me with those puppy eyes which were filled with tears...
I knelt down before him pulling the little bundle towards me," Did you hurt yourself?" I asked concerned, inspecting him in the process. " No, chachuuuu abb help na please ."
Before I could reply to him, I heard footsteps and swiftly asked my champ to hide in his usual spot. Ya usual, this is every other day event in our lives.
"Sid, tum.."bhabhi abruptly stopped and lovingly ruffled my hair, I very well knew what those gestures meant. It's been two years since that day two years since she left.
" ohh I completely forgot your brother was calling you.. ya, here he is," Bhabhi said and left as bhai came beside me.
" Aur haan Sid tell your lovely nephew that he is banned from ice creams and toys for a week and you his lovely uncle will clean the room and also replace my vase" Bhabhi sassed and walked further, bhai laughed at us and I looked at junior helplessly, he sighed and came out of his hiding in response.
" What did you guys do now? You know what, forget it. Acha khasa mera payara biwi tha tum dono ne milkar hitler banadiya hain use"( I had a loving wife both you have made her a hitler now )
" Ji apne kuch bola," Bhabhi yelled a bit from where she was standing. Bhai quickly grimed at that, and both of us yelled at the same time
" kuch nahi jaan,"
" Bhabhi, he called you hitler." bhai glared, and I shrugged my shoulders, but both of us whinnied as she spoke her next words.
" You both are having pumpkins for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for a week, and you, Mr Mathur, come to room dikhathi hoon mein apni hitlergiri."
With that, bhai went behind Bhabhi to cajole her, and I took my car keys and went out.
On the way,I couldn't help but reminisce about the happenings of that day .
The Past
Tugging Ruhaani to sleep , I left home numb...
It was a lot to consume in a day that for a few minutes I felt numb, could not process anything, all I could see was her helpless face. And when, after a few minutes, everything started to process, all I wanted to do was kill myself in the worst way possible. The guilt was killing me, but what hurt me more was her past... it is rightly said that Hell Bornes upon you when your loved one goes through one.
The constant thought of what if's pondering on me but alas It's not in me to go back in past and mend my mistakes believe me if I could I would have done that at any cost...
With those ragging thoughts, my car took a pause near to a familiar ground. It was here that all started a start of new friendship... it was here that I promised to be her friend, and yet again, here I am as a failed friend, a failed husband, a failed lover...
it was drop by drop soon my eyes welled up, I cried, cried my heart for her, for us...
The one thing that I didn't want to experience in life was regret, and here I am deep in the pool of regret.
All these ifs are killing me. I don't even know how to face her. All I know is that this is going to be hard, but I am not going to repeat any of these ever in my life. I am not going to be prejudiced ever...
and the first step towards it was to call an old friend, Vedika...
Author's POV
After the call to Vedika, Sid felt a little light at heart, he knew this was not going to make his heart at bay but everything needed a start and this time he decided to take cautious small steps towards the path of redemption towards the path of love.
Reaching home at peace, he went to see his wife, only to have seen a letter in place of her.
With shivering hands, Sid slowly opened the letter his subconsious knew the contains of the letter, Yet he didn't want to leave hope, not yet.
(Hey Siddhu,
So, first of all I am sorry, you should have never been involved in all this mess, but I was equally helpless and secondly you were right I am hypocrite all the time I blamed you and I did the same with di, so we both are in the same boat I shouldn't have judged you. I hope it is in you to forgive. Areey yaar what should I write, I have lots to say at the same time nothing but all I know is whatever your feeling for me now is because of your guilt. I might be selfish, a hypocrite and everyother thing but whatever I am I know I deserve more than feeling of pity, I like you sid, a lot but I would never tie myself or you to this relationship, I have asked my senior to prepare divorce papers. Let's end this, Thank you for giving me those fun filled memories even for a few days. I was able to divert myself from reality with you, and I hope it is in you to forgive me.
I am leaving India, don't try to find. Forget all of these like a nightmare
Ruhanika
Sid hands trembled as he finshed reading the letter, He didn't know what to do except for the fact that he can't let her leave, so he quickly went of to search for her he tried her house and all other places but in no vain. He was about to take to the airport but decided to check at one last place, their park.
SID POV
Relief washed over me when I saw a familiar silhouette facing her back towards me. I walked towards her unsteady, Where did that forever confident Sid go? He died,died in burning pain of his loved one. My subconscious subtly mocked my alter ego.
" You shouldn't've come here, Siddu." Her words brought me out of my self-pity.
"Why?" I know I might seem like an arse to ask her this, but I couldn't help it.
She looked at me with a sad smile, her eyes it scared me. Because it was blank completely blank, the Ruh I knew had eyes that spoke volumes, but what I saw today shook me to the core, Am I too late? Is this it. No Sid, you are not going to assume things from now. You will hear her. Yes, I will.
" I have nothing to tell you other than what I had written in the letter Siddhu, maybe there is one thing..." she paused and took hold of my trembling hands, and I stood their in anticipation, but what she spoke fed more to my persisting doubts.
" Sorry Siddhu, you should have never been involved in all this. We should have never got married. My selfishness led you to this. Look at you. All I see is guilt in you. I can tell from experience that don't fuel it more, siddhu. Forget all this siddhu just let it off like nightmare. Forget us siddu, forget me..." her hand slowly loosened hold on mine, but I was quick to grab them, tightening my hold on hers. I looked onto her eyes, expecting any emotion maybe anger, love, accuse at this moment even hate would do, her words hurts me hurts me a lot but her blank stare it breaks me into pieces, it seems her words were genuine but there were no feelings in them. Did I really lose my ruhani in the sea of remorse.
" Ruhani," I choked down my tears before continuing. " Jaan, I should be the one to have said those words, Sorry! Why are you sorry, ruh, for what, I.. I... I'm sorry, ruh I am sooo sorry, I should have been there, you needed me and I failed you. I am sorry, ruh. I am guilty ruh guilty to the core. Why shouldn't I be, I failed you as a friend, as a husband. I failed the only person who I had loved with everything that I had, the one person who I should have protected. I failed her. Yes Ruhaanika I love you, love you more than anything and this is the point I don't agree with you it's not my guilt ruh, because I have loved you when you were my friend, I have loved you when I pretend to hate you, I have loved you when we rekindled, I have loved you even when I asked for a divorce and I still love you when I stand before you with full of ambiguity" she looked at me and took her hands out of mine and this time I let her.
" Not able to trust me right, Not able to believe my words." she looked at me with astonishment as soon as I said these words. I don't know if I should feel sad because my words were true or feel contented that finally she had shown me some emotion.
Unknowingly, a chuckle left off me as I continued, " I have done nothing great enough to gain your trust Ruh, it would be inhumane of you trust me after my previous actions. I understand Ruhanika. Whatever I spoke sounds insane even to me. Now, when I look back, I feel like an idiot for not to have just trust you and wait for you to tell me. I... I should have made an effort to know your side, but instead I fucked up my mind constantly battling between my love and the presumed truth and when I couldn't handle it any more instead of being patient I took the easy way out, to run away, away from you, away from love."
She slowly looked with tear filled eyes," I have to leave Siddhu." At that, I didn't know what to feel, what to say. Does she think I confessed just so that she would stay with me. I know I want anything but for her to leave me, but at the same time, I am not going to force her to stay and accept everything.
" Mein yeh sab tume rokhne ke liye nahi bola tha Ruh," I said, holding her towards me, hopping that she could feel the sincerity in my words.( I didn't confess to stop you)
" toh phir chod do na Siddhu, khatham karte hain yeh sab. I don't know what I have become, Siddhu. I don't know what to feel, what to trust. Bilkul khali sa ho chuka hain, isliye as a friend I am telling you move on..." I interrupted her before she could complete whatever bullshit she was telling.
(" Leave me siddhu lets end all of this; I feel empty inside, therefore)
" Nahi, I will not move on, ruh, and why should I. I know mein is duniya ka bada duffer hoon par itna bhi nahi hoon ki mein doobar wahi galti repeat karu, dobaar who sab karlu , dobbara tumhe chod du," I sobbed sobbed hard and fell on my knee. I couldn't help but hold her hand and beg.
( No, I know I have been a dumb idiot once, but I am not that dumb to repeat the same mistake again, I am not gonna leave you again)
" Please ruh, I know I had made a lot of mistakes. I never worked on this relationship, on us. I promise I won't force you to stay or to love me. But at the same time, I can't let go of us like this, not when both of us are all over the place with our emotions, not when we haven't sorted ourselves. Ruh all I am asking of you is to do what you have decided, you decided to leave from here and I know you would have thought well before leaving our family behind, you want to discover yourself, do that. I understand you want space right now and by all means you will have it, I will not disturb you but all I am asking is to let me be here and wait for you, let me be here and be the guy that you deserve, let me wait for my Ruh to come back to me. Please give me a chance to amend my doings, let me in to be there for you when you need me, let me please ruh, please.." A warm hug stopped me from my rambling. I froze for a moment and hugged her back. We broke our moment after a few minutes.
" Siddhu, I will come back."
flashback ends
And here I am at the airport after a long wait of 2 years, I would never say these two years went off in blink. No, it didn't. Heck, it pained each second being away from her, but her parting words had me going. In these two years, I kept my promise and worked on my trust and anger issues, It was difficult at first, but when you know that someone out there enduring the same for you, it keeps you moving. Ruh did call me a few times in these 2 years, but then she stopped abruptly, and yesterday, I received a message saying she is landing today.
A tap on my shoulder brought me out of my reverie, I looked towards the person, and a smile adorned my face. Their stood my love with those doe like eyes of her that spoke in numerous. My Ruh is back. She is back. I don't know the fate of our relationship, but I am happy that she is finally back.
" oyee kha kho gaye hoo," she asked, snaping her fingers, and I couldn't help but reply, " tum pe," and I knew what she was going to say.
( where have you lost ; on you)
" flirt ka flirt he rehenga tu ek number ka," I chuckled at that and decided to tease her further,
( You will always remain a flirt)
" haan hoon mein flirt per sirf ," I slowly tucked her hair and whispered huskly. " apni biwi ke liye," she pushed me slightly and laughed and I kept looking at that mesmerised. I am sure people would think of me like a creep, but only I know how long it took to see her like this.
( yes, I am , but only for my wife)
" bas hogya abb give me the keys," at that I looked at her doubtfull.
" Have you gone deaf in these two years, keysss siddhu...*sighing* Okay , I have rested enough for almost 13 hours in the flight. Now I want to drive, so keys." I looked at her suspiciously but still handed her the car keys. Don't ask me how, but I know she is on to something. She swiftly took the keys and drove us.
Author Pov
Both of them left with eyes with content and happiness, and they talked and joked the whole ride, but none of them addressed the elephant in the room. Their relationship, though Sid wanted to initiate the conversation he decided to wait for the right time. After some time, Sid noticed that ruhi had taken a wrong turn and was about to correct her but stopped looking at her parking towards the park. The one place that holds all their memories, their place.
A smile of content left of ruhi as she parked the vehicle she swiftly got out and opened the door for Sid, who on the other hand looked at her with a mix of shock and suspicion.
" If you keep bulge opening your eyes, it would soon be on the ground, Mr Mathur," Ruhi teased him. Before Sid could reply to the statement, she dragged him towards a bench
Both of them sat in silence, and Ruhi cleared her throat.
" This place has seen all our phase, na Siddhu..." Sid smiled at her and encouraged her to continue. Ruhi on que stood up and went on her knee. Sid, who was perplexed, was about to interrupt when Ruhi spoke,
" This is the place where we spent days having fun as friends, this place has seen the change in our relationship dynamics, therefore I want this place to witness a yet another moment of our lives" Ruhi slowly took out a box from her pocket that revealed couple rings.
" Siddhu I know the first time we got married, it was against your consent you were forced and we were in it for all the reasons, you hated me and I was held for my selfish reasons. So this time I want us to start as fresh, I want to give you the best version of me, So Mr Siddhant Matur, I love you with everything in me, Will you marry me and accept my love." Sid welled up little at her confession and pulled her up by her shoulder, taking the ring from her hand.
" If you want us to get married then I am okay but If I have to be honest with you, I had a massive crush on my friend Ruhanika, but I fell in love with my wife, my Ruh, Yes she was broken but yet she was one of the strongest woman I have ever seen. Yes, she might not have been her best version, but I did fall in love with her worst version. You were right we were in this relationship for all the wrong reasons, but how could I deny that it is this relationship that had taught me what love truly means. If you had wronged me, so did I Ruh, in fact much more than you, but still here we are in each others arms being the best versions of each other. I don't want to start with a fresh slate, ruh. I don't want to break a relationship that has made me feel so much and start a new one. We would still have fights but would come again much closer, just like now. Though whatever we have gone through was tough, I still love every bit of it, I love every bit of you. Yes, the decisions you made changed our lives, but in the end, it seems all right to me, and I want to stand by you. I want you to take decisions moving forward without worries about the outcomes because this time, I promise you I would be by your side to face the outcomes of it. I LOVE YOU, RUH." saying this, he slowly slides the ring on Ruhi's finger.
Ruhi didn't know what to say her eyes welled up with many emotions. She felt lucky, cherished, and happy. Most importantly, she felt loved.
"arree mera chirotaa kab itna bada hogya." Ruhi joked as she slid the ring in his finger.
( my boy grew up to be a man)
Sid pulled her towards him and sensuly tucked her hair and huskly said, " dikha du kitne bade hogye hum..." Ruhi pushed him slightly and chuckled.
( Let me show you how much of a man I had become)
" yeh sab badh mein, ghar jaana hein di ko batna hain shaadi cancel hogayi hain unka devar thoda kanjus nikla hain" Ruhi joked ( stop all this, let's go home,I have to inform my sister about the cancelation of the wedding, her brother in law had turned to a miser)
" kanjus, hawwww," sid faked hurt, and ruhi instantly mimicked his reaction. Both of them had a hearty laugh and drove off to their home.
At Mathur house
Mathur house lightened up with happy tears and laughter at the arrival of their daughter. Even Neela and Rajeev( ruhi and juhi's parents) were present to welcome their daughter. The sisters hugged each other cried out their years long distance, Neil looked at ruhi still remenscing the night his pari came to him all helpless he was the one who supported and helped her to move to cannada he was the one who encouraged her to take up therapy and today when he sees his pari smiling happily all he could do was pray to god to always keep his pari and famiy happy like this, ruhi's tight hug broke him from his reverie.
Amidst all this, a doe like eyes watched her carefully trying to recall her, when he finally could he tugged her top.
Ruhi looked at her junior and bent towards him.
" You Machii.." the 2 year old asked innocently.
" Machi?" Ruhi asked, unsure
" ohhhoo, massi plus chachi, machi." 2 years old explained her with a done look.
" Who thought you this junior?" to which he pointed at Sid who had a proud look on his face and everyone chuckled at the duo. Though the little one has never met ruhi. Juhi made sure to let him know about his machi and often compared his antics to hers.
After the heartfelt welcome, the couple was sent to their room, ruhi went to take a shower, and Sid decided to help his wife unpack and starts arranging her clothes in the wardrobe when he stumped upon a videocam
He knew it was the videocam her father gifted her on her 17th birthday since then she had a habit of video diary but stopped them after all those happenings, he remembered her once telling him that her therapist had told her to continue video dairying. Out of curiosity, he decided to scroll through her cam
The first video brought a smile to his face seeing a young Ruhi.
( * her recording in the first chapter*)
He scrolled through few of her young videos and then clicked upon the first video of hers after she landed in Canada he could see a huge difference from the girl in the previous video to the woman in this one.
Ruhi recordings ( all of them are not their only relavant ones)
" Hey ruhi, shit yaar why is it soo difficult, this always used to be something I enjoyed. Huff So Ms. Smith has asked me to record my feelings in video diary, but how do I let her know that I don't feel a thing it's just hollow. it's numb."
"I started working, I miss everyone,"
"There is this huge void in me, I want to badly talk to everyone their, but what will I tell them. I don't want to bother them. "
" Today, Alex asked me about my family, and I was on the verge of breakdown, I cried for the first time I had been here, I cried, I feel... but do I want to feel all these emotions"
" So doc told me that it is a good thing that I had started to acknowledge my feelings, She told me that in the midst of my guilt and fierous need to protect di I had locked up all my emotions and letting them out is first sign of recovery... "
" I can't, I can't anymore, Today in round table we discussed about abuse, I could't sit through I left from, there I feel dirty, it pains , it pains physcialy , it feels like I am feeling those scars real time... I can't , someone please make it stop pleaseee, it was better when I did'nt feel anything, I prefer the void pleaseee it pains , it hurts, I don't want thisss MAKE IT STOPPPPP!!"
" I talked to siddhu today, IT felt good, good after a long time."
" I mustered up courage and sat for the round table today, each one started narrating their experience of getting abused, I shivered badly as my turn neared, I sturred, my words slurred almost like a drunkard, but they were considerate and gave me my time to open up, it was not easy, it pained revisting those memories.
Do I feel good after I let it out ? I don't know. It feels like I had given a closed piece of mine to someone. I feel vulnerable, a tiny part of me occasionally regrets letting them, But alas maybe the next time I would be able to narrate the incident with a little lesser impact maybe I won't feel those shivers anymore when I visit those memories, maybe all these will be a fading black mark in my life, may be all of this is for good, May be!"
" Today, Alex cracked a joke, I cracked up a bit. It felt good to hear myself laughing, but the feeling left as soon as it arrived, I don't deserve this, not after what I had done to them. I don't deserve to be at peace, I simply don't."
" Guilt is the worst feeling one could have it has the power to question your very existence, and unfortunately for me, I am summoned by the very feeling. Today, Mathew offered me a strip saying it has magic to cure this feeling of me. I was not fool to not know what it was, but in that moment of vulnerability, I was about to slip, but thankfully, Sid's call brought me back to reality."
" I am relying too much on Sid. He has somehow turned to the light to my darkness... No, this is not right. I shouldn't find the light in him, I have to find the light in me. A tempting as it is to give into him, I shouldn't, I want him to have me not my emotional baggage I should be the light to my life..., So with heavy heart I asked Sid to again distance from me."
" Doc says I am doing great, but how do I tell her I want to be the ruhi from the first video tape? Have I lost her completely, or is she waiting to be found."
" Today, Mia got into a minor accident while waiting for me. Am I doing it again? being the bad omen in their lives."
" I talked to Mama and Papa today after almost a year and a half, hearing their voice I broke, but this time I felt good, those tears were a mix of sadness and happiness.... Ruhi, you are not a bad omen, you are not mama and papa are waiting for you they still want their sunshine, give them their sunshine, you have not destroyed... no, I have. I have destroyed his life."
" I got a call from Aravind. I was shocked at first, he let me know that he had recovered from comma a month ago and is recovering well, he said he was thankful for all I had done for his family , his mother. I cried and apologized to him, we had a heartfelt conversation, and he told me he now thinks my decision was for good. I asked him whether he will ever be able to forgive me, he told me that there was nothing to forgive about whatever happened was not his or my fault it was just the circumstance, he told me he had no hard feelings .
I know I don't deserve his forgiveness, but it still feels good
.
.
.
.
" I found her, she was just waiting to be found, I feel at peace." Tear slipped Sid's eyes as he heard the final recording he slightly felt a tap on his shoulder. With teary eyes, he looked into those brown eyes that had always managed to turn his world. Ruhi gave him a sad smile as she looked at those love filled eyes.
Sid hugged her and sobbed, he cried for her, for them. Ruhi sobbed in his protective arms. It was an emotional combust for them, That hug in itself spoke a lot more than words could ever have.
Ruhi's eyes glisted with naughtiness and smirks lightly as she slowly makes space between them. " waiseee.... Sid crocks his eyebrows; she slowly moves her hands towards his chest and locks them on his neck and huskly whispers Canada jagee hum bhi thoda beshrami sikha hain... ( I have also learnt to be a little shameless after being in canada)
Sid smirks lightly pulls her by her waist. "acha, toh saath mein thoda beshrami karlein..." ( oh really then, let's just be shameless together)
Ruhi then chuckles and says, " chii yaar ithini cheese lines mister flirt, ithna cheese humee hazam nahi hoga..( You're too cheesy, I can't handle this)
Ab toh hazam karna padeinga bii wii"(you will have too,wifey) sid pulls her a bit closer they are about to kiss when neil coughs and breaking their moment. Sid pulls away a bit shy looking away while Ruhi on the other hand bluntly says" kya yaar jiju app romance pein haadi kyu ban rahe hoo, app ki romance ki nishani yaha wah goom raha hain app nahi chahtein kya appki bhai kein bhi ase hi ghoome...
( What jiju, why are you being such a bone? Evidence of your romance is roaming here and there. Don't you want the same for your brother)
Sid blushes red at her bluntness to which Juhi further teases her brother in law "hayyee mera devar sharam se laal peela ho raha hein... socholo Sid, she doesn't have any control over her words. Life long aise, hee blush karna padengaa...
( Aww, look at my brother in law bushing. Think about this once again she doesn't have any control over her words. This is going to be your life)
To which Sid looks at a now slightly embarrassed ruhi murmering..
"Yeah, sahi hain, in front of others, he makes it seem like I was teasing him, and out in reality, he is the flirt, abb inne is chupe rustum kein bhaar mein kon samjayeen.." Sid smirks at that...( now who will tell them who is teasing whom)
Finding his brother and sister in law leaving their room, he slowly back hugs her and huslky kiss her neck, moving towards her jaw pepping kisses all the way and finally pauses at her lips... she closes her eyes for the kiss, ruhi waits for a few seconds and opens her eyes to find sid smirking at her.
" thoda wait karo... this is for teasing me in front of everyone..." sid runs from their making ruhi huffs in anger, and before she could shout at him, Sid chestly kiss her cheeks at murmers. I love you... He then walks from their towards junior and neil
Ruhi chuckles at his childshnes and slowly her eyes moves towards her cam recorder she switches on the recording and pans right to which records their parents having tea together probably talking about their childhood she then swiftly moves the cam to juhi cheering her son, Sid and Neil playing football with junior...
Ruhi pov
"It took me 499 video tapes to reach her.. and now when I take the 500 th video, all those 499 seem worth it..."
" Machiii..." I laughed lightly at his whining
" Comingg..." I yelled and kept the cam at the table, Time to rescue my junior from his chachu and papa.
Recording continued to record their cherished moments, but I have put an end to narrating their lives.
Thank you all of you for giving this book a chance
This is my very first book, but it took me almost 3 years to complete this.
I sincerely apologize to all my first readers who had waited for this update, and I kept delaying it for years, so here we are.
And I would like to thank few of my initial readers who had been my support through this journey;
@Angellish, @Sam_Vida, @infiniteflames_99, @Namas48, @Mata_20, @cuteshy12345,@bairiya_
I hope I was able to provide justice to the characters and the story.
And yes guys I know for a fact ruhi and sids moments are not enough I might write few bonus chapters, if this book gets some reach so, whoever is reading this please do vote ( atleast in this chapter) and also share among your friends, if you enjoyed the read.
Fun fact this was not the initially planned ending they were never separated in that one but then I realised about ruhi's mental state and I wanted you all to know more about it hence the separation and therapy part..
Don't know if I would be writing any new story, so till then tata bye byee and all the best
and please don't forget vote, and share your overall review on the book and this chapter
kudos love..
yours sreeku