Solara could feel the lack of sleep starting to weigh her down, along with everything that would happen, or might happen. Though mostly the worry was caused by all the possibilities that hadn't become a reality just yet; making her tumble deeper and deeper into the sea of less than favourable possibilities, down to the point where, in the wee hours of the night, she nearly sided with Selena's fears. But every time, after every night, the sun still rose into the sky, casting those thoughts to the side.
No, there's a world of difference between where it's now, and what Lena fears. She'd think and sigh, every time those fears and thoughts tried to surface. And allowing light, no matter how faint, surround herself with the thought. Things will sort themselves out, she assured herself. Life has a habit of doing that. Just like 20... she hesitated for a moment, biting down her molars as an image of a scar flashed through her mind. A scar that ran from the right shoulder all the way down a back, onto the left hip; reaching deep within the muscles.
Just like 10 years ago... She hesitated once more as the memories of smelling something burning...sound of someone screaming... the sensation of something warm dripping down her arm reached her. Life...has a way of sorting things out...Life has a way of...moving forward, even if we'd be reluctant to do so. All we can do is endure it, deal with it... She took a deep breath. All we can do is deal with it. Even if the hardest thing one ever needs to do, is to deal with that which scares them. But it'll make you all the stronger. Every time I overcome something; I can say that I'm stronger than that which tried to devour me; throw me into the darkness of a pitch-black void.
Her train of thought halted for a moment. But then again, did I not once upon say that too? She thought as another memory coursed through her, which was followed by something her father once told her: "Every sun is set in darkness, and yet they shine. Because they do not reflect the light of others. They are their own light." She chuckled to herself. That's true.
So, she went through the motions for that day as well, sitting by her desk to find a document on which laid a name, one that made her brows furrow in wonder. 'Devil banishers' huh? She let her eyes dance over the lines, focusing on everything it had to offer. I see; the aftermath, the turmoil is beginning to shine through. Her expression was washed with melancholy as she continued to read, only to let out a heavy sigh, and started going through her work for the day.
---
Solara walked down the empty corridors, the floor feeling cool under her feet as she rubbed her eyes. Do I really need to have a glass of water this badly...? She pondered to herself as she drowsily made her way forward, letting her feet do the thinking in her place. She hoped that they'd take her to her destination, so she yawned, trying to remember what she'd have instore the next day. The schedule ran, flowed through her mind, clearing the dust in her eyes.
She stopped and looked around. This is nowhere near the kitchen...she sighed to herself. What was I thinking? Well actually I know fully well what I was thinking, but just... ugh. She rubbed her temples and turned around, but was stopped by a yell that pierced through the darkness.
Her heart stopped and eyes shot open as she knew that voice.
It was... Fuegoleon...
She bolted from the spot, no thoughts, just a drive to get to him as fast as possible. Her heart sank deeper in her chest, the strings around it being wrapped tighter and tighter until she was sure it might tear open. But pain was not what she felt, as all she could focus on was the direction of his yell, her eyes only seeing the path that was laid before her. She could not think as her feet carried her forward, only feeling the suffocating dread of arriving too late. Please no...she whispered in her mind; a silent prayer slipping from her as she feared to finish the thought, the cause of her prayer.
She burst through his door, her mana fluttering around her, ready to fight whatever had caused him to yell out in such agony. But what she saw, surprised her, making her brows furrow slightly as she glanced around the room hastily.
Her eyes found nothing else in the room. Nor did she feal unfamiliar mana; there was only Fuegoleon.
He sat on his bed, with his head hanging low, as his hand was placed where his right arm should've been, and his skin glistened as sweat dripped down. His gaze shot to hers, eyes full of terror.
Their gazes lingered for a brief second before she let hers wander around the room, still wanting to make sure there was no one else in the room. Her mana calmed down, her fury and terror dispersing, leaving only worry behind. She gazed back to Fuegoleon, taking a few steps closer.
"Is everything alright?" She asked, worry like honey coating her lips.
"I-," he paused and cleared his throat, unable to look at her and instead buried his face into his hand. "Yes...You just... got to sleep. I'm alright." His voice was weak and shaky, unlike anything she had heard before, and it tore through her chest and carved out her heart.
"Sir...?" She uttered as her hand reached towards him by instinct, but all he did was lower his hand and swallow, while turning his head to her.
But his eyes didn't lift from the sheets as he tried to catch his breath, chest heaving and an occasional shiver running down his body. His lips parted as he searched for words, but nothing came out. He buried his face into his hand once more, and she couldn't, for the life of her, bring herself to leave the room. So, she backed just enough to close the door before hurrying to him.
His head barely lifted, but she saw him glancing at her from the corner of his eyes.
"I really am fine," he tried, but there was nothing convincing in his tone. He shook like an autumn leaf, still grasping onto the tree from which it hung before being blown off by the wind.
"I'm sorry Sir, but you're not being very convincing," she whispered as she sat on the edge of the bed.
His body was hunched, but slowly it straightened as he tried to get a hold of himself, his hand lowering down onto the sheets with a clenched fist. His heavy breathing pierced through the silence. Seeing him like that... it felt like someone was trying to carve out the fragments of her heart, the ones that still laid in her chest, and grab her by the neck so that she struggled to breath.
"Sir...?" she cooed without realizing it, and took a hold of his hand before she was able to stop herself. Her eyes searched for his, ready to meet his gaze whenever he'd allow for it.
His eyes travelled with her hand, following the gentle hold she had of him. Her skin felt like the soft caresses of morning's light cascading onto the floor, her thumb massaging circles onto the back of his hand. And though her hold was careful, as if she was asking if she could, he didn't want her to let go. He wanted to grasp onto her hand and pull her closer, but he couldn't. I can't. She... She's not mine to hold... He clenched his jaw as he couldn't either bring himself to retract his hand from hers, nor ask her to stay, and yet his eyes travelled up her form until they met hers. His sheer force of will being the only thing that kept his emotions from rolling down his cheeks, for the sincere worry that was reflected from her divine green eyes, from which specks gilded hope glittered, bright as rays of dawn after a pitch-black night; those eyes looked at him with all the blessings of heaven itself.
He forced himself to tear his eyes away from her, biting down his molars as his heart clenched in his chest, the pain of his nightmare coming second to having to push her away. She's just trying to be kind. And she is, but I can't... She doesn't see me like that and I would rather keep her close, as a squad mate, than give her any more reasons to leave. But I- no, it's not proper.
As he battled with his thoughts, Solara couldn't look away from him, seeing that he battled, but thought that his conflict was purely because of pride.
He doesn't want to admit it; not being alright. And I- I do understand, but this'll be just between us, and allowing himself to accept help, won't make him any lesser. But... am I just thinking that for selfish reasons? I do want to hold him, and care for him, but would that really be more for my sake or his? She frowned as she wasn't quite certain of what to do, but as he opened his mouth to say something, he once more failed to find suitable words. And so, she made up her mind. "You want to ask me to something?" She asked, the question fluttering to him with fragile wings, landing on him as if a faint kiss that brought his eyes back onto hers.
He swallowed as his eyes briefly shifted from her, spilling the secret that he held. "Yes..." he admitted with a forced whisper as his brows furrowed.
"Then ask," she implored, seeing how her words twisted and turned around his heart, making him turn his head away from her. But still his hand lingered on hers, without an effort to pull away from her.
"It's not proper..." he mumbled to himself, an action which confirmed Solara's suspicions.
"You wish to ask me to spend the night?" The words lingered in the air between them as nothing more than silent breaths, which made them unable to look each other in the eye, as they both knew what they desired, but which they couldn't ask for.
"I can't," he whispered, the syllables flowing through the air as more traces of words, than an actual statement.
"Why?" she asked instinctively, not taking the time to process his reply. Her question made a trace of a frown that oozed desperation and dread, pass over his complexion.
"Because you'd be seen leaving my room in your nightgown in the morning," he stated frankly, with his hand grasping onto hers without him realizing it. His brows were furrowed and his eyes radiated worry, and such sorrow that she felt his pain as hers.
She found herself to be taken aback by the gravity of his tone. And yet, once she had recovered, her expression was washed over by a gentle smile.
"And?" she paused while her thumb continued to draw circles to the back of his hand. "You seem to think that it'd tarnish me," her words dripped down like forbidden elixir that he craved. And it made his throat feel like desert sand, her affection being the only water that could quench his thirst.
I can't... I can't look at her, because how... if I did, how am I supposed to restrain myself? I just- Even if- She doesn't, but if by some miracle she did- I would want to do it properly. Not like this. Yes, I want her to lay down next to me, and hear her breathing next to my ear, lulling me to sleep. By god, how I wished that she would, even if just for a few seconds, she'd wrap her arms around me and I could press my head against hers. Her silken hair caressing my skin, and her soft embrace... I- But I can't. She deserves more than this. She deserves more than me needing to feel her warmth. Her warmth... and that gentle hum of her that never fails to lure me closer to her. I- what would I not give if I could, if I could need her tonight. But I can't as she's not mine.... His jaw quivered as he thought, squeezing his eyes shut as he bit down his molars; his head still turned away from her.
"Fuegoleon..." it was the first time she had uttered his given name without his title, and ah, what sweet agony it brought him. His heart cried of joy as his head tried to distance himself from her. He manifested his fire arm and hid his face, while his hand that still held onto her, still refused to let go. "You can't sully me. You can't tarnish me or my reputation," she paused as a smile formed on her lips as she thought about how much he wished to protect her honour. "You imply that seeing me leaving your room in the morning would create an impression of you having touched me, and I won't deny that it wouldn't imply such a thing... But, your hands... They are not stained and they cannot taint me. No hands could do so unless I allowed for it, because my dignity, pride and worth are things that can never be taken from me, unless I hand them over."
Another silence fell between them, the motion of her thumb ceased as she swallowed, her heart trying to break through her ribcage and her stomach twisted. "Your hands... they are clean an you're with pure intentions." She lifted his palm on her cheek and closed her eyes, feeling his warmth spearing over her complexion before continuing: "Your touch could never tarnish anything..." She knew that which she was doing, the action spoke with such gravity that she could not hide the meaning behind it, but she didn't want to.
His mind became empty as he felt her soft skin under his palm. He unveiled his eyes and turned to look at her, which proved to be fatal. The moment he looked at her, her tender smile and her hands holding his... he knew for sure that his heart wasn't his anymore. It was hers, and so it'd stay. She opened her eyes, moonlight cascading over them, making the specks of gold glitter as if before him would've been a goddess in mortal flesh. He leaned closer to her, his mind staying still as his heart took over, and she did the same.
She wrapped her arms around him, letting him sink into the embrace before laying down on the soft sheets. What nightmares he might've had, were forgotten as all that now existed was her heartbeat piercing through the darkness. Her hand ran across the skin of his back as she hummed a tune, pressing her head against his as he closed his eyes and listened.
This must be heaven, he thought as he felt sleep creeping up on him.
He pulled her closer into his embrace, wrapping his arm around her before dispelling his fire arm, and allowing himself to drift off. Her warmth, her voice, and her gentle heartbeat banished all the wrong in his world and silenced his racing mind. I love her...was the final thought that ran through him before sleep took over, but his embrace never faltered.
She could only smile as she was finally able to hold him so close, feeling his heart against hers. Everything that she didn't dare to ask for, was now right there, in her arms, and nothing could've made her happier. It was only as she heard a change in his breathing pattern, telling of his silent slumber, did she dare to cease the movement of her hand and fall asleep as well, with her smile still imprinted onto her lips.
---
Early morning came, Fuegoleon waking at his usually time well before anyone else. Despite the nightmares that he had experienced during the early parts of the night, he felt light, not remembering the last time he had slept so well. His eyes fluttered open, revealing the complexion of the goddess lying next to him. Their arms were still wrapped around each other, imploring the other to stay, which made him feel such tranquillity.
All he saw was her. All he could hear was the sound of her steady breathing in the silence, and all he could feel was her warmth. His hand moved to brush off a few strands of her hair from her face, his touch soft as feathers. She's so beautiful. And she's so good to me. His gaze shifted out of the window for a second before returning to her. Everybody is still asleep, so she could still make it back to her room, unseen. Then there'd be no rumours flying about. Though I'd like to think that my knights wouldn't spread them, but something might slip up by accident. So, it'd be better if she went back to her room, right? Yes. That way she'd still have her reputation intact. She's not the kind of a person to do one-night-stands and she shouldn't get such a reputation. No. She doesn't deserve that. Slight pain pierced through him as he thought about waking her up, not wanting to disturb her peaceful sleep. But the urge to protect her honour tugged harder in his chest, so he placed his hand to her side as he manifested his fire arm, and propped himself up with it.
"Solara?" He called out, her name flowing past his lips so gently, almost afraid of it breaking. And oh, how it caressed his tongue, making him want to savour it. For her name was the sweetest thing he knew, and saying it felt almost like a violation, as if he wasn't worthy of calling her by it.
He got no reaction, so he nudged her gently, calling out to her once more, wanting to feel her name pass his lips again. But all she did, was turn to her side and snuggle closer to him, letting out a hum. He felt his heart clench as he wanted nothing more than to be able to wrap her into his embrace once more, but which was something he couldn't do. So, he tried again, but with no result. She's a quite heavy sleeper, I see, he thought as a smile curled onto his lips. But I need to do something. Otherwise, people might get the wrong idea. His smile fell as he tried to think of a solution, but found himself captivated by her, which made his thoughts muddle.
I suppose I could carry her to her room...He wondered, looking at the clock by his nightstand. If I hurry, then I'm able to do that. And with that, he made up his mind, slipping out of bed and going through his morning routine, trying to hurry each step to buy himself some time.
Taking a last look into the mirror, he concluded that if he was seen by his knights, they wouldn't be able to tell that something was off. So, he glanced at the clock. Good, I still have time. He sighed in relief as he walked over to the bed, seeing the steady heaving of Solara's chest as she was still blissfully asleep.
"Solara," he began as he nudged her one more time, seeing if she'd wake up. "Let's get you to your room," he continued as she still seemed to be in deep sleep.
He took a hold of her, taking her into his arms and resting her head against his chest with a bright smile. Her scent, laced with a hint of jasmine, lingered in the air and the sound of her breathing made him unable to do anything but smile. She's so lovely, he thought as the strings of fate kept tying tighter around his heart as he wanted to just hold her like that, and not let go. But instead, he forced himself to turn around and make his way to the door. The handle proving to be a tad bit difficult, which cost him some valuable minutes as he fumbled with it. As he was about to groan in frustration, it finally bent to his will, and he was able to make it out into the hallway.
His heavy steps echoed around the corridor as he didn't want to hasten them too much, in fear of rousing suspicion, but still trying to keep up a good pace. A small sigh of relief left him as they passed Randal's room, him being the second one up and awake on most days. His mana sensing heightened as he tried to detect anyone approaching them, but felt nothing. And yet, the journey had never felt longer, even if each step brought them closer and closer. Until they were finally there. Outside her door.
And now for the tricky part... he thought as took a deep breath before trying to open the door. Seconds ticked away, feeling like minutes, and minutes feeling like hours. Each time his attempt failed, he could feel his stomach twisting, but he tried again, and again, and again; feeling his nerves to be tested for the first time in a long while, until the door swung open, relieving tension from him.
He walked in and pushed the door closed behind him. "We made it," he smiled to her as he took a moment to admire her sleeping form before making his way to her bed. The covers were slightly pulled to the side as she had gotten out of bed during the night, so he was able to lay her down onto the sheets, soft as a feather. A hum escaped her as she was out of his embrace, making him freeze in place. Why am I afraid of waking her up now? He frowned to himself, but carried on.
He placed her on her bed and pulled the covers over her, tucking her in with a tender smile on his lips. His gaze cascaded over her; watching her peaceful form. Her chest rose and fell as her steady breathing was the only sound, he heard; the sight that was before him being the only one he wished to see at that moment. If only he could, he would have liked to lay back down with her, and play with her hair, twirling a lock around his finger while watching her slumber. But he couldn't. It would've served against carrying her back to her room. So, he pulled the blanket over her, hunching over her in the process. And before he knew it, he already leaned closer to her; his lips pressing a soft kiss on her temple.
Once his lips left her skin, he froze for a moment. Why, why did I do that? I-, she's still not mine... But... I wish she was...He thought as he straightened his back, still taking a moment to admire her.
"Sleep well," he wished her before taking a few steps backwards towards the door. His gaze staying on her all the time, almost as if he was afraid that she might disappear if he turned his gaze away. And, right before closing the door to leave, he took one last glimpse of her. Sleep well...He thought.